The Big Sex Lie

I had a friend who didn’t feel hunger. When she had a boyfriend and lived with a roommate, she ate when either of them ate, and did fine. Then in a couple of months’ time, she and her boyfriend ended it and she move into an apartment alone. She ended up in the hospital due to not eating! She wasn’t anorexic, she simply did not have hunger to reminder her to eat. After the hospital stay, she developed ways to be sure she ate enough.

Many women don’t have a sex drive the same way my friend did not feel hunger. A number of studies have shown many women don’t have a spontaneous sex drive, and many others have a spontaneous drive only on occasion*. Research is ongoing, but it’s looking like spontaneous sex drive is mostly a male thing. 

Contrasting men and women © Sergey Nivens |

This is not to say women don’t want, desire, or enjoy sex; it just means they don’t get horny at the drop of a hat. You husband gets turned on seeing you naked. He gets turned on thinking of you naked. The sight of your panties on the floor gets him going. In fact, the thought of your panties on the floor may be enough! While there are women who react similarly, they are few, and it seems this is God’s design, not some problem to be fixed.

For most women (and a very few men) sex is responsive. A bit of kissing or flirting can get them going. Some light making out is even better. Foreplay is a sure path to arousal. Most women need something like this to get their sex drive in gear. Not because they’re broken, because it’s how God created female sexuality. 

Unfortunately, we’ve taken what’s normal for men and declared it normal for everyone, male and female. We then use that to label most women as broken. This is why so many women think they are sexually broken. Truth is the vast majority of these women are exactly as God intended. The only problem is they and their husbands have bought into a lie.

If you and your husband reject this lie, things will change wonderful ways. You will be free of the expectation to do something you weren’t designed to do. You and your husband both get to stop thinking you’re broken, and can start to explore sex as God intended it to be.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and things got a lot better when I stopped expecting my wife to have a male sex drive.

* There are variations, of course. Ovulation causes spontaneous sex drive in some women. It also seems spontaneous drive is increasingly common as women age.

Reprocess: Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today 

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9 Comments on “The Big Sex Lie

  1. Any advice on how to balance this with the reality that men WANT their wives to initiate, to come on to them? I know my husband really appreciates it when I think AHEAD and put on lingerie or wear something sexy under my clothes, so that I am prepared when the feeling hits. However, when I do that, it is interpreted as my readiness to go 0 to 60, right now. That ends up being a lot of pressure – like I have to do all the foreplay mentally, all by myself, before engaging him at all.
    I don’t mind taking the first step: initiating, dressing up, speaking an invitation, etc – but I’m trying to figure out how to communicate that, even though my mind is set and ready, my body could use some quality TLC to get on board.

    • He needs to understand your reality, which comes down to discussing it – probably more than once.
      “I wear lingerie for you because I know you enjoy it. When I wear lingerie it means I am open to sex, but it does not mean I am ready to go. I still need to be aroused so it’s as good for me as it is for you.”

    • I would like to know this too! My husband doesn’t really understand that I need time to mentally prepare – and then physically prepare too once things get going. It’s not like Cosmo magazine or the movies where the women are all seductive femme fatales and everything is instantaneous.

  2. To Virginia and Maghan,

    Understanding partners in a marriage takes time but more importantly it takes communication. During non-sexual times when you two are having a relaxed discussion is a good time to share with your husband what you need to get in the mood beforehand.

    Initiating can take many forms: notes in his lunch or briefcase, on the mirror in erasable markers, even tame suggestive texts that say you are up for sexy time tonight.

    These ideas give both of you a time to prepare and it is still initiating on your part.

    Lingerie is a short time suggestion that says you are ready “right now” possibly to your husband. That would be great after a bubble bath while he does the dishes or cleans the living room.

    Encourage your husband to learn what “non-sexual touching” means to you and how important of an “appetiser” it is.

    Tell him you get turned on from the inside out (Emotional then physical) while he gets turned on from the outside in – the physical gets his internal motor running.
    Jerry Stumpf recently posted…How to gain help when loneliness crept in & upset your marriage?My Profile

    • Hi Jerry,

      I don’t disagree with anything you said, but want to provide either a different perspective, or clarification on your comments (since we might be having the same ideas but express them differently)

      Jerry says: “Lingerie is a short time suggestion that says you are ready “right now” possibly to your husband. That would be great after a bubble bath while he does the dishes or cleans the living room.” While Virginia says: “….like I have to do all the foreplay mentally, all by myself, before engaging him at all.”

      It sort of sounds like you are suggesting that she gets herself “in the mood” during a bubble bath by herself. I certainly can’t speak for all women, but for myself, arousal and foreplay is the best part of sexual intimacy. I don’t want to do it in the bathtub all by myself. That’s the foreplay equivalent of solo masturbation. Just because a wife wears lingerie or initiates sex doesn’t automatically mean it’s okay to skip the foreplay.

      Here’s a comparison. If a woman’s favorite part of sex is arousal through foreplay, and the man skips that part to get to the part HE likes, how is that any different than if the woman participated in foreplay and then left the man to take care of HIS favorite part of sex on his own?

      I also have a different perspective on the term “non-sexual touching.” If it is an “appetizer” like you say, then it is sexual touching. Non-sexual touching is not an “appetizer” for sex. It is giving and receiving physical affection and intimacy for its own sake, not as part of sexual intimacy. It is holding hands, a warm embrace, a pat on the leg while riding in the car, a kiss on the forehead, a pat on the rear and a quick kiss while she’s cooking dinner, a quick backrub, etc….. all without a sexual subtext.

      What I infer you meant by “non-sexual touching” is also important to women. As a woman, I appreciate sexual touching that does not begin with groping of the nipples and genitals. This kind of touching I would refer to as an “appetizer” like you say. Maybe it could be called “non-genital sexual touching.” It can include the above listed actions, but within a sexual context. It also includes targeting the less-obvious erogenous zones, like perhaps a lingering kiss on the nape of the neck, a warm embrace coupled with an enthusiastic a** grab, a little frottage, a sensual foot massage, etc. (but it really depends on the woman and her individual preferences- i.e. I find a foot massage quite boring)

      • My understanding is a bubble bath is more about relaxing and letting go of the day. The sensuality can move a woman towards being sexual, but it’s more about getting rid of the obstacles.
        Of course some women have no interest in bubble baths, and some would much rather have a long shower.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Knowing When to Keep QuietMy Profile

  3. Thanks to both of you! I will act on your suggestions!

  4. Just a little over a year ago I did a post entitled “Her Sex Is Broken and I Gotta Fix It.” It has now expanded recently into 6-part series and is still growing. About part 4, I began to think I needed to reprise the story behind the title at the head of the post for the very reason you cite here. I was concerned some may be taking the title very literally. As the reader gets into the posts, they realizes the title is a bit of misdirection and I have bamboozled them. It isn’t her sex that needs fixing, but his idea of what effectively stimulates her, and maintains her arousal to her satisfaction. Men need to realize their idea of sex is drawn from their paradigm and not as applicable to women as they may hope. You hit it right on the head when you said “For most women (and a very few men) sex is responsive.” and “You and your husband both get to stop thinking you’re broken, and can start to explore sex as God intended it to be.” Women’s idea of sex is not broken, but it is different. Also ladies, OUR idea sex is not broken, it’s just male. Vive la difference.
    Dan recently posted…Her Sex Is Broken and I Gotta Fix It: Part 6 — Mental Sexual StimulationMy Profile

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