Giving Him A Hand – Survey Results

A month ago in Why Isn’t This a Thing? I asked why couples don’t use manual sex to help deal with mismatched sex drives. This would work regardless of which spouse has the higher drive, but I was mostly thinking about it for husbands with higher drives. The article included a survey, and the survey results can now be found on The Marriage Bed.

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There were some interesting results from the survey.

  • Regular handjobs for hubby are rare: 10% of couples say they do it once a week, and 5% more than once a week. About a quarter are doing it a couple of times a month.
  • The number one reason women gave for not doing it, or not doing it more often, was “He gets all he wants” – chosen by 42% of women. This may be accurate for those who answered the survey, but it’s not what men report. Seventy-eight percent of the men said they would like to receive, or receive more, handjobs. 
  • The second most common reason women don’t do it, or don’t do it often, was “I don’t know how to do it well”. This answer was selected by 20% of all women, and by 43% of the women not doing handjobs. (Maybe this needs to be my first how-to article.)
  • Twelve percent of women said they had never thought about it or discussed it. A few indicated they would bring it up because of the article and survey!
  • Eleven percent of women said, “Sex should be about more than physical release”. I agree with this 100%, but not enough physical release is a big problem for many men, and taking care of his need is both a good plan and a loving act. Besides, a handjob need not be just physical.
  • Only 5% of the men said they do not want handjobs. Forty-three percent of these men said, “Just not that great” while thirty-one percent said, “I feel it lets her off the hook sexually”.

Bottom Line: Only one man in 20 has no interest in receiving a handjob, while four out of five would really like it. If he ever wants sex when you don’t, this seems like a good compromise. Likewise if you want sex when he doesn’t. If either of these is the case in your marriage, how about discussing this as a possible partial solution?

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26 Comments on “Giving Him A Hand – Survey Results

  1. One of my most vivid memories of my wedding night was of my husband ‘getting himself started’ and I could hardly believe it – like priming the old pump, LOL! I am much more gentle :-)

  2. Paul,

    I agree with your assessment “There were some interesting results from the survey.”

    That your respondents indicated the occasions are rare and that most men (a large part of your survey) said they want them is puzzling and revealing. So most men want hand stimulations by their wife and their wife is resistant or refuses? I wonder how many wives who are the HD partner would also accept this as a viable substitute once in a while?

    (I haven’t looked at the survey yet)

    Maybe we should colaborate on the “technique” and “conversations needed” to draw these couples a bit closer?

    Perhaps much of the issues are due to the stigma of a hand or toy stimulating one partner for the purpose of pleasure without the other partner being also brought to orgasm.?

    Thanks for always generating thoughtful substance.
    Jerry Stumpf recently posted…9 friends posts to enrich your life & marriageMy Profile

    • To be clear most of the men would rather have intercourse, but they see some of both as a good way to deal with the drive difference.
      I’m less clear on how HD women would feel about such a solution. I’ve had a few say they would take anything they could get. Others are less than thrilled about something aimed at climax only.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: For Her Body OnlyMy Profile

  3. We are pretty evenly matched I think as far as drive goes so the only time I’ve given him a hand job and he didn’t return it was in the first week after each of our babies were born. I desperately wanted a connection so after the first week when I was a bit too bruised and tender to even want manual stimulation myself (or sometimes during my period) we have taken turns with the hand jobs. I personally find it less satisfying than intercourse but better than nothing.

  4. My husband is in the very small category of men who does not want a HJ or BJ to completion. Why? Because one, we have very limited time each week for sex (once, sometimes twice/week) due to his long work hours and he would rather have intercourse than finish with a HJ even though we do include OS as foreplay. He also doesn’t have the strong physical desire for a release very often and once he’s climaxed he needs several days to ‘recover’ if you will before desiring sex again or being able to O. He has also said he’d rather wait for me then finish another way knowing he may not be interested for a while.

    And I have to say, as a HD wife, as much as there are weeks where I’m getting pretty frustrated having to wait so long, I do not want him to give me a HJ just for the release…and yes, that is all it would be about. I don’t feel the connection like when we make love for the two of us and actually feel rather selfish about it.
    He has done this for me too on occasion but it only leaves me feeling kind of empty.
    Amy recently posted…Paradoxical thinkingMy Profile

    • My husband, too, always wants PIV no matter what we do first. Sometimes I would be very happy to just give him a quick HJ or OS (when I see he is desiring something but I don’t have time, am half dressed for work, etc.) but he would rather have nothing if not finishing with PIV. No religious reason, just his preference.

    • Amy, thanks for sharing this. I live in a different country to my husband at the moment and I enjoy all the other intimacies of marriage but my husband doesn’t seem to be interested only in sex. I think now, I understand the reason and you’ve explained it well, it’s because of the fact that he doesn’t get it much so he wants what he likes most maybe when we’re finally together he’ll desire these other things.

  5. Some men don’t seem to be able to orgasm from either manual or oral sex, regardless of how good it feels. So, even if both partners are willing, this isn’t necessarily a solution for that segment of the population, though I’m honestly not sure how large a segment it is…perhaps I’ll have to run my own survey to answer that one.
    Jay Dee – recently posted…Is sensuality in Christian marriage a sin?My Profile

  6. My husband and I prefer OS to handjobs for those times I can’t have intercourse. I think OS is more intimate and I actually enjoy it a lot. I’m much more comfortable giving OS too. Never been very confident giving handjobs to my hubby.

    As a HD wife, I love a HJ or OS when hubby’s not up for the whole experience. But most times he’s just not in the mood for anything. I think it’s the attitude that makes the difference. If he’s just doing it to give me physical release and isn’t into it, then I’d rather pass. I end up feeling guilty, selfish and empty. But when he really wants to do it and does it in a very loving way (holding, caressing, kissing, etc.), it’s awesome and IMO is very intimate. But, nothing can replace PIV for ultimate satisfaction.

    • I think most men would opt for oral given the choice. It seems to me (a man) it would take more effort for most couples.

      What you say about attitude is spot on. I’ve heard this from plenty of men. If they are in a bad way most will take it even if it is mechanical and unfeeling, but they would much rather she be into it.

      Manual sex can be exceptionally intimate if both are into it. Saying “lie back and enjoy” is a very loving gift.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Sex and the Fear of Looking StupidMy Profile

      • It makes sense that most men would prefer OS. I’m not sure about the difference in time/overall commitment and effort because I’ve never been comfortable with handjobs. I’m always afraid I’ll hurt him and it just feels weird to me. I enjoy touching but with a fairly light touch. A how-to article would be very helpful! :)

        Sometimes when hubby’s not up for sex, we also involve masterbation. His level of participation varies, but he always holds and caresses me. I also find this extremely loving and intimate. I feel very vulnerable doing this with him. It took a lot for me to “confess” that I did ths, much less let him witness it. His love and support during the act let me know that he fully accepts who I am and my needs are important to him. I think this could be another viable option for women, but probably not for men. But, I also think it would probably be pretty uncomfortable for many women to do this even with a supportive husband.

        Totally agree that saying “lie back and enjoy” is an incredibly loving gift! After being refused for years, I’m very grateful that my husband is now in that place.

        • Some men would be okay with masturbating with their wife, especially if she is hugging, touching, and talking as he does it. Many would rather do this than masturbate alone because it makes it a sex act with their wife rather than a solo act. I think it’s another option to consider.
          This kind of masturbation also lets the other person be a part of it, and makes them aware of the drive and desire of their spouse, which I think is a great thing. It can also cause arousal in the lower drive spouse, which is always a good thing.
          All that said, it can be a very uncomfortable thing, as you say. It takes a healthy relationship to even suggest it. Good for you for going there!
          Paul Byerly recently posted…A Dream Marriage?My Profile

  7. It doesn’t have to be ‘lie back and enjoy’. It can look a lot like PIV except without the PIV.

  8. Pingback: Best Christian Sex Links of the Week | Married Christian Sex

  9. I appreciate that you included wives in this, too. I have just as high of a drive if not more so. There are some nights he is too tired to “ perform” and it would be nice to get a release ..

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