One of the first things to do if your husband is passive-aggressive is to learn to not push him into it. I realise this may seem like blaming the victim, but it’s not. This is practical advice that will make your life less crazy.

I said being passive-aggressive is often the result of choosing not to be physically violent. I would include screaming in the category of physical violence for this. If you push your husband to the point of anger, he may feel he has no good choices. If he feels in danger of yelling or becoming physically violent, shutting down will seem to him to be his best option. This leads to passive-aggressive behaviour.

One way women trigger this is with way too many words. As I’ve discussed before, men generally are not as skilled at conversation and we can become overwhelmed. Throwing more words at us when we get flooded feels like hitting us when we’re down and it causes anger. Of course, the woman saying “too much” isn’t trying to cause anger, she’s trying to get her husband to talk. Her intentions are great and her actions would work well with another woman. Thing is, her husband is a man.

Helping him change means finding other ways of dealing with his anger. It also means ensuring he feels it’s safe to disagree. If disagreeing with you always results in a fight or some other consequence, passive-aggressive behaviour starts to look like a good choice. Anyone who’s passive-aggressive has some relationship issues they’re not dealing with and those issues must be resolved to end the passive-aggressive behaviour. If you’re not willing to interact about those issues in a fair and reasonable way, you’re encouraging ongoing passive-aggressive behaviour.

Of course, some men come into marriage passive-aggressive and may do what they know even though their wife does nothing to promote passive-aggressive behaviour. This means there is nothing for her to stop doing and puts it all on her husband. But she can still help, and she can protect herself.

Strategies for Coping 

A good way to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour is to find ways to make it less effective. If the goal of the behaviour is to attack or hurt you, how you react makes a difference. Work to avoid being at his mercy for things. The less you need him to do, the less he can hurt you by not doing things. If experience tells you he’s unlikely to do something, try to find another way to get it done. 

Another option is to let things remain undone. If he chooses not to do something, let it go. Don’t do it, don’t nag him to do it, and DO NOT apologise or make excuses for him when someone else is upset. Take the attitude your husband is an adult and he can make his own choices and deal with the consequences. If he promises to help someone and doesn’t follow through, it’s on him. You’re not his mother and no sane person expects you to make him do what he said he would do.

Try to work with him when he is being passive-aggressive with others. Validate his anger when it’s reasonable and suggest ways he can deal with his anger appropriately. Help him see it is acceptable to express his feelings and concerns, as long as he does it well. In addition to showing him new ways to deal with anger, you’re telling him you’re not scared of his anger or disagreement. 

One other thing – realise he’s not getting his needs met by being passive-aggressive. He’s retaliating against the wrong he feels is being done to him. While retaliation makes him feel better, it’s not what he really wants; it’s what he’s settling for. When his needs are met, he loses the motivation to be passive-aggressive. Being passive-aggressive is acting out of his hurt and the truth is he has a lot to gain from things being different.

Pushing Him to Get Help

Most men who end up in therapy for passive-aggressive behaviour do so because their wife gives them an ultimatum. While this sometimes works, it’s the emotional equivalence of beating him to the ground and dragging him to therapy against his will. The process increases his desire/need to be passive-aggressive and he will need to deal with his feelings of betrayal at some point. I’m not saying this is always wrong and sometimes it’s the only option. However, it’s a drastic choice and it can easily go bad.  Start with a gentler approach and consider an ultimatum a last-ditch effort. Approach it as wanting to learn how to have a better marriage. Admit you’re not perfect and you think you could both learn ways to be more loving and have a better marriage. Even if hubby is 95% of the problem, saying this is not a lie and it might be the facesaving he needs to do what he should.

A Few Warnings

I’ve seen some rather questionable things from people “treating” passive-aggressive individuals.

• Some lists of passive-aggressive behaviours include things that can have other roots. Declaring a personality trait is passive-aggressive isn’t going to end well for anyone. Two men can do the same thing for very different reasons with one being passive-aggressive and the other being the man God made him to be.
• Some people, especially women, don’t seem to see any validity in the anger behind a man’s passive-aggressive behaviour. They’re more about ending his anger than giving him healthy ways to deal with it. This reinforces the anger-is-unacceptable lie, making the issue worse.
• I’ve also seen women who think the solution to passive-aggressive men is for men to act more like women. No.
• Some call passive-aggressive behaviour abusive. While there’s sometimes truth in this, it’s not always the case and it is rarely the whole story. Heaping judgement on a man is not helpful, especially when it’s not true.
• Given the gender issues involved in this, I’d think a man is much better off getting help for this from a man. The last thing you want is your husband thinking is that you and his female counsellor are ganging up on him!

Finally, if your husband is physically aggressive or threatens to be, that’s a whole different issue. Get to a safe place and find qualified help.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I’ve become less and less passive-aggressive

Resources:

How to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior: No, You’re Not Crazy | Dr. Joanne Wendt 
The Secret To Dealing With Passive-Aggressive People | huffingtonpost.com
Confronting Passive Aggressive Behavior | Psychology Today 

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