Not Enjoying Sex as Control
On Wednesday I wrote about using unhappiness to control our spouse. Something else I see is using not enjoying sex for control. I’ve seen it a few times in men, but this one is primarily employed by women.
Climax ≠ Everything is Good
First let me address a valid issue related to this. Most men think “If my wife had a climax, everything is fine in our marriage.” I know this is a fallacy. Sex and climax are both physiological reactions, and we can climax even when we are upset with our spouse. Men know they can do this, but most assume women can’t. This wrong understanding causes plenty of problems.
If you suspect your husband thinks this way, address it head on. Tell him your body works and sometimes you are going to enjoy sex even when you are frustrated with him, worried about the marriage, or are so mad you want to scream. You could also address it after sex. “I enjoyed that, but I’m still concerned about _____.” Even better, talk to him about the problem after sex, when he may be more open to it.
Doing this allows you to have and even enjoy sex when your marriage needs help. Sex builds intimacy, which is always good. Sex also makes him more open to you in many ways, which improves the changes of him dealing with whatever.
Manipulation Never Ends Well
Intentionally limiting your sexual response because of marriage problems is a sure way to get his attention, but it’s not a good way to get positive results. All it does is add to the problems, which is not a good way to solve things.
If you can’t have sex without enjoying it in a way you don’t want to, then offer him something else that won’t get you going. I’d also suggest trying to find a way to have sex and enjoy it even when you’re upset. As long as he understands what it does and does not mean, and you don’t feel you’re violating yourself, it can only improve things.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I used to believe the “It means everything is okay” lie.