A few days ago, someone mentioned an old Generous Husband post entitled The Big Why. I thought it would be good to rewrite it for this blog.

Most people understand that why something is said or done is important. What we often miss is how far the why goes. The surface why is often (usually) not the real issue. The person giving the why may think it’s the real issue, or they may know it’s not. Either way, if you address the surface why they have little chance of dealing with the real issue.

For example:

1. Husband and wife go to an event. He hates it, and says so all the way home.
2. When asked why he hated it, he gives all kinds of answers, most of which are clearly garbage.
3. The real why is he wanted to stay home and watch his team play. 

Discussing all the reasons he gives for not liking the event is a waste of time because the real issue is he felt pushed into going when he didn’t want to.  The real issue, the important why, is why he felt pushed into going. Had he made a loving choice to go rather than stay home he wouldn’t be upset. He’s upset because he felt compelled by his wife or his own thoughts to do something he did not want to do.

I think this problem is much more difficult to sort out with men because we tend to be less in touch with our feelings. We may not know the real why, and we may not like our wife trying to dig for it. Just leave us alone and let us be grumpy is our attitude.

I don’t recommend leaving him along to be grumpy as it solves nothing. However, waiting till he’s not grumpy might be wise. Ask questions, and if you suspect there’s something else going on ask questions designed to dig out the real why.

Of course, this works better if you want to know the real why, and are willing to deal with it. If he suspects you don’t want to know or will not address the real issue, he will resist you getting there.

And yes, his real why may come down to sex more often than you would like. If you don’t want to hear about sex you may not. Thing is you can’t deal with it if you don’t hear it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I appreciate my wife’s skill at getting to the real why.

Follow Up: Chris, over at The Forgiven Wife, wrote a post which would have been a great addition to my Not Enjoying Sex as Control post – had I seen it in time. Go check out Why I Have Sex When I’m Upset with My Husband. 

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