I think many women worry their husband thinks sex is “too much work” and/or “she takes too long”.

I talk about sex with many men, and these thoughts aren’t nearly as common as women think. That said, I am hearing it more often than I used to, and I have a pretty good idea why this is the case.

One Word: Porn

It’s been a long time since I looked at porn (yay!) but I doubt it’s changed. I also doubt it has any more to do with real sex than it did when I was looking. 

• In porn, most women don’t need or even want foreplay. For those who do, tearing off clothing seems to be all they need.
• In porn women climax early and often. She’s had one before she’s naked. She has one as he enters her, and then another one every minute or so.
• She needs nothing more than what he wants for his pleasure. A bit of thrusting is enough to drive her wild.
• When he climaxes, she has orgasmed so many times she has no desire to keep going.

For the record, I don’t think there is a woman alive who is this way. Maybe a very few are close on occasion, but not all the time. Most will never be within a mile of those things. It’s not how God made women, and there is nothing a woman can do to change.

Some Reality:

• Most women need about 20 minutes of foreplay to be really ready for intercourse. This varies from woman to woman and time to time. Given the right situation, some women can sometimes skip foreplay, and needing half an hour is well within normal.
• Many women don’t feel “horny” until sex play has started. The normal female pattern is for arousal to follow stimulation. Again, this varies. Some women sometimes feel arousal first (particularly near ovulation) and a few do so most of the time. For many women arousal first is rare or unknown. This isn’t because she’s “broken” – it’s how God made her.
• Most women don’t climax from intercourse alone. The famous 30% figure is garbage, one of those lies repeated so often everyone thinks it’s true. However, few women always climax from just intercourse, and plenty never or only on rare occasions do so. (His hand, your hand, or a vibrator between the two of you can be a wonderful thing.)
• Once a woman is “warmed up” it can take anywhere from ten to thirty minutes of stimulation to reach climax. Most men can go from zero to sixty in a couple of minutes. However, faster is not better. The longer he’s aroused before he climaxes the better it is for him. Besides, arousal feels good, and prolonged stimulation feels very good. (It’s easy to enjoy the journey when the destination is guaranteed.) I think God made women “slower” because He wanted men to learn to slow down and enjoy it more. He’s easily aroused to ensure sex happens often, you’re a bit slower to ensure it lasts long enough to fully enjoy it.

Most Men Are Up for Whatever

Some men have been poisoned by porn, but I find most men are eager to do whatever it takes to give their wife sexual pleasure. I knew a fellow who regularly gave his wife an hour of oral sex. He was usually in pain the next day, but he said he’d gladly go two hours if she needed it. The problem is many men have no idea how to give their wife pleasure. A lack of non-porn sex education and a lack of feedback from their wife leaves them floundering in bed. This leads to frustration and loss of interest. Plenty of men who “don’t care about their wife’s pleasure” actually do care but have given up on ever knowing what to do for her.

Communicate a Bit

If sex isn’t what you need it to be, speak up. If your husband is living under the false sexuality of porn, give him the facts above that are true for you. Ask him if he wants to be able to give you pleasure, and if he says yes take him at his word. Then work to educate him about your body, and mind, and how to stimulate both. It may take some trial and error, but you can do it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love rocking my wife’s world!

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