Last Friday in Sex is Too Much Work, I mentioned vibrators. This is a tricky topic for many.

First the morality issue. I’ve talked to some who think sex toys are wrong, but I’ve never been shown a Bible verse to back that up. If you don’t feel right about using them, then for you it’s not right. Same if your husband feels it’s morally wrong.

The other issue is concerns about how he will feel about a vibrator. Will he feel replaced or less of man? Such men do exist, but they’re actually few and far between. Most of the men I know and talk to are all about doing whatever makes sex great for their wife. If she needs or wants a vibe for it to be great, he’s all about learning how to use it. We get far more emails from men wanting to know how to introduce a vibrator than men upset about them or women wanting to know how to get hubby to go for it.

That said, a few thoughts on making it easy for him. Something that looks just like a real penis may be difficult for him (not to mention you). Unrealistic colours are good for this reason. Some men will have an issue with a very large (read larger than he is) vibrating dildo. On the other hand, some men really get into putting something large in their wife. I suspect this usually comes from porn viewing, and if you feel uncomfortable about it in any way say no.

Actually, a dildo is a poor choice for many women. Many men think sex for her is all about penetration, but you know better. There’s a reason the most popular vibrators are for the clitoris, or have both a shaft and something to vibrate the clitoris. 

If you try a vibe with hubby, he is likely to get carried away. His more-is-better mentality will have him running it at full speed, which is certainly not what you want, especially to start. Before you hand him a vibe give him some basic instruction: foreplay is still appreciated or needed, and when the vibe is used, it needs to be set on low to start. Also, let him know near the clitoris is a better starting place than dead on it. If it’s an issue for you, warn him to back of when you climax to avoid overstimulating you.

You can use a vibe as part of foreplay and then set it aside when you move to intercourse. He can use it to bring you to orgasm before or after intercourse – or both if you work that way. One excellent way to use a vibe is to put a small bullet or egg vibe between your bodies in any face-to-face sex position. He will feel the vibrations too, so it’s not just for you. Some women find using a vibe this way is the only way or the only sure way to climax during intercourse.

The first few times you include a vibe in sex, be sure to thank your husband for making you feel so good. The vibe is a tool he uses, not a replacement.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and if it’s good for her, I’m for it.

This Week’s TMB Survey is on masturbation in marriage. Is it okay, do you, and if so why.

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