Hints Are Not Communication

Has your husband ever gotten upset or sulky because he hinted he wanted sex and you missed the hint? Did you think he was unreasonable, or maybe figured he got what he deserved for not just speaking up and asking for what he wanted?

Yes, it’s a trick question – because this post is not about sex.

If I had a dollar for every time some man complained about his wife’s “hinting” I’d be driving around in a million dollar Class A Motorhome!

Husband not getting hint © pepscostudio | dollarphotoclub.com

Hints are not communication. Hints are for games, not relationships.

We hint for a variety of reasons:

  • We feel unsure we “deserve” what we want.
  • It feels better if our spouse gives us what we want without openly asking for it.
  • We were taught asking for what we want is rude or presumptuous.
  • No is easier to hear when we hint than ask outright.
  • Bad habit.
  • Bad examples.

All of these are reasons men hint about sex. They are also reasons some women hint about almost everything they want. 

The other thing about hints is they are obvious to the one giving the hint, but maybe not to others. How we think, life experience, personality, and gender all affect if we even register a hint. I could easily tell when a man is hinting to his wife he wants sex, even if she is oblivious. Your girl friends would see many of your hints as obvious, while you husband has no clue.

Hints are unloving and a bad plan. If you want to be heard, speak plainly. If you hint and he doesn’t get it, please don’t blame him; it’s on you.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I like guessing games, but not in my marriage!

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5 Comments on “Hints Are Not Communication

  1. It’s fun to hint and flirt to see if he gets it, but ultimately the Bible says to let your yeas be yeas and your nays be nays…..in other words, speak plainly, clearly, with understanding, and truthfully.

    Women tend to be intuitive and men informative. It hurts us to find out our man doesn’t intuitively know we need something and figure out our hints. After all, we can with him. I just seem to know when hubby could use that cup of tea and make it for him. On the other hand, he could be making himself a cup of tea and it never occurs to him to make me one because I haven’t informed him that I want tea, too.

    This is why marriage is great. It teaches us, stretches us. I have learned to become more informative, and I would hope hubby is becoming more intuitive (as you say, Paul, studying your spouse).

  2. True story from the not so distant past:
    Me: Hey, how much longer is the show you’re watching?
    Him: About 10 minutes. [10 minutes later, starts a new episode]
    Me: [upstairs crying because my husband clearly chose tv over spending time with me/sex]
    Him: [completely missed my hint]

    This is definitely an issue of Girlspeak versus Guyspeak, haha. I read another marriage post somewhere in which a guy on behalf of husbands everywhere implores wives to just come out and ask because guys will NEVER take the hint. So I’m getting better at translating my Girlspeak for him… “Hey, when your show is over, I would like to spend time with you,” followed by a text 5 minutes later with the same message because he is notorious for answering my questions without actually hearing them, ha. And for the record, it was his idea for me to text to confirm; he knew that was the best way to make sure he “got” the message. Ha. It works for us!

  3. Ha! So true! I tell my wife all the time to ask me what she wants or tell me. I guess I’m “dense”.

    I do the same thing though. I always thought it felt “cheap” to directly ask for sex, like I’m asking a prostitute. She wants me to be more direct.

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