Why Not Near Daily Sex?

This post is intended as a discussion – I really want to get your feedback. You don’t have to discuss yourself: feel free to “play devil’s advocate” or share what you have heard other women say.

First an Explanation:

The idea behind “Near Daily Sex” is you have some form of sex most days. The sex could be a quickie, something for just one of you, or a several hour marathon. Near daily means you both work at doing it every day, but you both realise life can throw you curve balls. Some days it’s just not realistic to have sex. This is okay when the odds are very high you will have sex the next day.

Sex calendar © Vankad | dollarphotoclub.com

Two Questions:

  1. Why would you be opposed to near daily sex with your husband?
  2. What would you need to make near daily sex a reasonable possibility?

~ Paul – I’m XY, educate me!

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56 Comments on “Why Not Near Daily Sex?

  1. Although we don’t have sex but about twice a week we have daily sexual contact usually groping caressing or dirty talk. And the amount of sex is his choice. I would go for just a bit more but all in all I’m pretty well satisfied.

  2. 1. I am not opposed to daily sex with my husband. It is the other way around in our relationship.
    2. I would need my husband’s libido to match mine.

    I would be happy with sex 6 days weekly, the compromise right now is every 7-14 days.
    He says he would be happy with sex every 5-7 days, but the reality is as I said, 7-14 days.


        • @anonymous I think of compromise as between what two people want. What you have is beyond what either of you say you want. Sounds like either he is in control of sex, or you are both way too busy, stressed, or something.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Do to Me is WorseMy Profile

            • @anonymous – That depends on how loving and giving said person is. The lower drive spouse can choose to be there for what the higher drive spouse needs and wants. My wonderful wife did that long before she was as interested in sex as I am.
              Paul Byerly recently posted…Travel UpdateMy Profile

              • Paul, did it make the sex less meaningful for you during this time? My husband will do that for me now, but I’m not finding it totally satisfying. I appreciate that he loves me enough to do it for me. And, there is a part of me that feels like he owes me this because of his past refusal. But, it’s not completely satisfying if I think he doesn’t really want it.

                • @anonymous – No question it’s better when your spouse is really into it. However, someone can be into it because they love our spouse. It’s possible to be really into it even if you don’t want to climax yourself. Lori was not “just lying there” when she did it for me, she was an active and involved participant. It was not as good as when she was as hungry for it as I was, but it was good.
                  Beyond that, I think doing it “just for me” helped her grow into her sexuality. It also helped to arouse her, which meant the next time was more likely to be for both of us. Within limits, more sex means both more sex and more mutually desired sex.

  3. 1. I wouldn’t.
    2. My husband to have a higher sex drive and for him to stop doing 15 extracurricular activities every day that wear him out!

  4. 1. I wouldn’t!
    2. It becomes not just a possibility, but a probability when we are mindful about our relationship and when we engage in other healthy activities together.
    Rosemary recently posted…Use Your WordsMy Profile

  5. 1. I wouldn’t. In fact, it would thrill me! I am madly in love and wildly attracted to my husband.

    2. I guess it would take my husband finding me attractive. Not just saying it, but actually feeling it. It would take him finding me desireable. Again, not just talking about it, but actually feeling it and showing it! It would take him realizing that work isn’t the be all end all of life. It would take his willingness to not answer every cell phone call from work. It would take him not just calling me pretty, but actually believing it. It would take him realizing the blessing that God has given him a loving wife who is very willing and ready to please him, who is still relatively fit, and has a stronger desire for him than ever. It would take him being willing to embrace that and enjoy it, instead of keeping her trapped in a world of loneliness. It would take him realizing there is a loving, sensual woman trapped inside his wife, longing to be set free – with HIM – but she feels trapped and repulsive because he never has the time or the desire to be with her and she Will. Not. Beg. I wonder how many men would jump at the chance to have what he takes for granted. But then I catch myself and realize that those thoughts are very wrong and could lead to dangerous places. So I stuff it all inside and hurt alone. But you asked, and that’s what it would take.

  6. 1) Well, I came into marriage hoping that sex would be once a month and over quickly, but after reading books and blogs like this about Christian marriage, I decided to be available every day. My husband went on an arc from “WHOOPEE! Twice a DAY!” to “Maybe three times a week is ok” while I went on an arc from ‘ew’ to ‘I am crazy about loving you!’
    1) Did that already answer #2? :-)

  7. 1. We did this for awhile, but it became a lot of quickies that weren’t satisfying for me. I shared with him that it’s just not very satisfying for me and he’s putting more effort into taking the time I need to enjoy it. Because of our schedules that isn’t feasible daily, so we’re going for quality a few times a week over daily.

    2. What I would need is a compelling reason to go for quantity over quality. It’s likely we could have both with enough time and effort, but daily sex just doesn’t seem that high on our list these days.

    • @Sandi – I certainly understand not wanting to sacrifice quality for quantity. How this plays out for each couple varies a good deal.
      We find what happens outside the bedroom also plays a big part in this. When we are close and intimate in general, more sex works just fine and quality does not suffer.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Optimal SexMy Profile

  8. 1. I wouldn’t. Though my husband suggests it might turn sex into something less special if we did it every day. I see his point: chocolate cake every night is less interesting than once in a while. On the other hand, we make fewer baskets than we shoot, so aiming for less guarantees even less than we’d hoped.

    Additionally, when we go through periods of daily or near-daily sex, our relationship thrives but our “parts” get worn out from over-use. Things get sore for both of us, and it makes it more difficult to get things going the next time. (Plus, more frustration involved as orgasms are less likely.) We get into a cycle of several days of lots of sex, get worn out (physically and mentally) so focus on other things, get out of the rhythm, and then it takes extra long to get started again. But perhaps some of this is age-related. We’re each several decades past 20. ;-)

    2. The teenagers to go to bed at 9:00 like they did when they were little. ;-)

    But seriously, it feels like my husband needs to want it more. And to make time for it. He says we should get to bed earlier to make it happen, but then isn’t intentional about that (and sometimes it feels that he is intentional about staying up instead – though that’s likely my insecurity talking!)

    Though, I am trying to turn things around in my head. When I think “he isn’t intentional about going to bed early” and “he spends too much time on the computer at night” I try to turn it around as an “I” question. Am I not being intentional about going to bed early? Or how am I not being intentional about going to bed early? Or how could I be more intentional about going to bed early? Because the only thing I can change is me. It’s hard to see it in ourselves, but so much easier in others. But as I read through others’ responses above, it reminds me that I need to remind myself more of these things. Not picking on anyone else (I could have easily written some of the above comments) but when I find myself thinking “he needs to spend less time on the computer at night” I should be reminding myself (or asking myself) if I need to spend less time on the computer at night and how I might do that. It’s so easy for us to see that “I don’t do it as much as he does” or “I just log on when he does” or “I really needed to check the email because [Very Important Reason]” but not to see his perspective – that he may have had a Very Important Reason and that he may see the issue as mine (“I’d like to go to bed early but she’s on the computer, so I might as well keep doing this.”)

    Wow – lots of rambling. If I were this intentional about my blog, I’d have posts every day. ;-)

    • @Me – We eat a bit of chocolate every night (no metaphor here, we have a square of good chocolate each night) and it’s something we look forward to. I think the quality of the chocolate is a factor.
      Certainly there is a frequency versus enjoyment factor. The question is the limits of that. Sex once a year might be fast and furious, but I’d not call it good sex. Sex several times a day, every day would also not be my idea of a great sex life.
      As to overuse of the parts, I think we can adjust to pretty much anything if we keep at it. May not be worth the effort, but it can be done. It’s feast and famine that’s tough on our bodies.
      All good things for a couple to discuss.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Optimal SexMy Profile

  9. Life being busy is a big barrier – Mental tiredness from working FT in a demanding job on top of keeping a house (with both of us contributing to housework) and family and friends commitments (only once or twice a week but can still impact).
    Feeling in the mood after the above.

  10. 1. I’m up for it, most days. Really, you know that “love tank”? With enough sex, my ‘sex tank’ is just full for a while.

    2. Not sure. I imagine that him doing more of the childcare, so that its less on me might help. Helping me make sure I get enough sleep might help. Making sure I’m never feeling overwhelmed or stressed might help. But, really, not sure this is all reasonable.

    • I should add, we do have a ’48 hour rule’ and aim for every other day. We keep this about 50% of the time. The other 50% either we are both just too tired/stress, things got busy, or guests or a difficult child. I’m generally happy with how it works out, but I do suspect Hubby would like it better if we did the 48-hr-rule 60-90% of the time.

      • @Rach – A 48 hour rule (or whatever number works) is a great thing. It gives the lower drive spouse something to use and keep track of, and if it is followed reasonable well it allows the higher drive spouse to feel understood and loved.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Do to Me is WorseMy Profile

  11. I’m gonna echo quite a bit of what has already been said,. I have nothing against it. That sounds like fun to me. My husband, however may not share my enthusiasm. I am curious though, how do you have a “several hour marathon”? I know I have asked my husband if I can try to stimulate him for another round of love making, but he says it is impossible to get him up again. I know they portray couples in movies having sex all night long. What I want to know is, HOW????

    • @TH – I was throwing out the full range, and parts of it appeal to different couples.
      One way to go for a long time it to go slow. Play at it. Get close and back off. Not what everyone enjoys, but some do.
      Many men can have sex a second time in a short time, especially if they get good mental and physical stimulation. The climax takes longer and is weaker, but it’s still nice. Some men can but have no desire, and some can’t. This gets more difficult with age, but I’ve talked to plenty of men in their 40’s who can easily do twice in an hour given the right situation.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Less Correction, More InstructionMy Profile

  12. I think that for a lot of women, particularly those with young and school-age children, the thought of daily or near-daily sex would be overwhelming. It takes a fair amount of time and effort for many women to be able to enjoy sex, so that kind of schedule would be asking them to commit that kind of time and effort almost every day. Otherwise, it would be a lot of simply doing something for their husbands, which is great once in a while but not good as a steady diet. To me it seems better to encourage couples to focus on 2 or maybe 3 good sexual interactions per week.
    Gaye @CalmHealthySexy recently posted…3 Ways Marriage and Family Rituals Can Help You Create the Life You Really WantMy Profile

    • So at the exact time when men (when they are young and have higher drives) need more sex is the time NOT to give it? Yikes.

      I wonder how it would sound if we say it takes a man a fair amount of time and effort to enjoy being friends with their wives. We’d rightly say there is a man who is selfish and unloving.

      • Or more I should have said, a man who is not willing to put in the effort to serve & love his wife-even during the busiest season of their lives (their, not just her’s)- would rightly be considered selfish and unloving.

        A woman, who loved and respected her husband would realize that during this period of his life he might have needs- just as she might- and she would be both wise, loving and obedient to do so.

        • @Emmitt – I think you have valid issues here. Of course it will be different when life is busy, but there still needs to be give and take in finding something both can live with. It’s never easy, but it can be worked out if both approach it with love and a willingness to think outside the box. This is true for sex and everything else either spouse wants or needs.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Do to Me is WorseMy Profile

    • Despite my full schedule, 4 hours of broken sleep every night due to high needs newborns, I still wanted sex every day with my husband. I needed to know we were ok, and I was still sexually desirable. Unfortunately, when I, the wife, needed it most, I was refused. I have NEVER refused my husband.

      I do not understand why women don’t want sex and make up so many excuses not to.

      I do not understand why men don’t see her challenges, differences, and needs and HELP her more. My husband refused because despite my eagerness to have sex, I was exhausted, sore, feeling unattractive, and having a hard time reaching climax and he just figured it was too much work and effort to bother having sex with me. It was easier to leave me be and masturbate instead.

      • @libl – I think most of it on both sides comes down to bad teaching and expectations. We have all heard how men are sexually selfish and sex is mostly for men. This puts women on the defence sexually, which is not a good way to feel good about going all in. It also pust men on the offence.

        Of course the whole thing is garbage. We’re all selfish, and most sexual struggles are about selfishness by both parties. Selishness and control, with control being a way we try to exert our selfishness.
        God intended sex to be fantastic for both husband and wife. He designed it to be wonderfull not only for our bodies, but for our minds and emotions. It should be a great way of getting closer and feeling better. It should be an escape from the world and all the stressed we face.
        To me it seems very sane to say “I’ve had a horrible day, I’m exhausted, and I really need sex.” Some women agree with this. I suspect more would without the brainwashing and cultural garbage.

        Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Do to Me is WorseMy Profile

  13. 1. I wouldn’t
    2. The only thing really stopping us is that we have been trying to have children, and have read that every other day is better then every day. Although during the last half of my cycle we make up for it. We both are high drive so it’s just seems natural to be with each other as much as possible. We realize that when kids do come that may change but we figure we are laying down the foundation of making sex a priority now.

  14. One time I was in a group of wives and the one was complaining she had to have sex twice, and I was like that must of have been a great day! and she looked at me like I had 2 heads and said no this month. And then asked how often I had sex….and after my response of depending on the week its pretty much every day the crickets were chirping rather loudly.

    My grandmother told me when I was first married food and sex were the priorities and everything else could be forgiven. And so that’s how I went forward.

    Young kids and busy life can make it very difficult, and when my herd of boys was younger, the intention was there but sometimes I was dead tired and I probably was as helpful as a dead body. But we figured out that the tv, highchair, pack and play, etc could be our friends for a brief period of time, and just worked around it. Also it helps that my hubby has been willing to help out with some housework if it helps.

  15. 1. I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I would enjoy it. But I don’t need it or crave it.
    2. My husband’s drive just doesn’t kick in every day. When we got married over a year ago, we both expected every day, but that’s just not the way he’s wired. I crave it about every other day and that works for him too, so that’s been our happy compromise. Sometimes it’s more frequent (especially when I’m ovulating and my pheromones seem to up his drive) and sometimes we skip two days (one of us is sick or we have a crazy busy couple of days).

  16. I wouldn’t be opposed to it per se, but I’m more like a 3 days out of a week person… We have two small children who aren’t school-aged… and my husband works and attends college online full time (senior year with internships, etc).. so it’s just possible. I’m seeing a doctor for physical complications that would probably make daily sex pretty painful. Good for those who can make that work, though!

  17. Paul, I wonder if you are looking more for thoughts about the principle of the idea, or how it plays out in our individual marriages. I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the principle of near-daily sex, but I am against holding it up as a pre-determined standard for which every marriage needs to strive. It should be individualized to each marriage. If a couple is both satisfied with much less, they shouldn’t be made to feel like they are missing the mark. I suspect you would mostly agree, and are thinking more in terms of marriages in which one partner feels slighted.

    In terms of my own marriage, it’s complicated, and the issues and explanations have varied widely throughout the different phases of our relationship. Currently, neither of us wants it very often, though I have made sure he knows I am available for him any time he asks. Historically, we’ve been in a sexless marriage for a majority of the 25 years, and he saw me as a refuser/gatekeeper. But the explanation is way too complicated to put in a single comment.

    • @T – I certainly agree it should not be held up as a standard. That said, it’s a good starting place as more than half of men and easily a quarter of women want or need this frequency. It’s not for everyone, but for the majority of marriages it’s a sane and healthy thing.

      Along these lines, I hear more and more husbands apologising for their sex drives. They feel the desire daily, but for some reaosn they think this is wrong. Not just wrong to ask for, but wrong to feel. They are calling what God put in them wrong. These men are rarely honest with their wife about their desire because they feel it is wrong to ask “so much” of her. It’s a growing problem, and it’s causing all kinds of issues.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Who’s Setting Your Priorities?My Profile

      • I fully support that higher-drive spouses should not feel like they have to apologize for how God made them. I am glad that you call it “sane” and “healthy.” AS LONG AS….this isn’t used to make a lower-drive spouse feel that THEY are not sane and healthy for wanting sex less often. God made THEM that way, too. And each couple has to work out for themselves how they will handle the differences.

        One problem I see with picking a pre-determined frequency is that a higher-drive spouse may hold it up to the other as the example of what is “SANE” and “HEALTHY,” but nothing further reduces desire in an already lower-drive spouse, than to be made to feel they have a quota to meet. I’m not saying the goal needs to change, but I do think one has to be very careful with the approach.

        • @T – You touch on a very difficult issue here. Our sexual desire can be greater or far less than what God intended because of what we expose ourselves to, our past, fears, and issues of control and manipulation. It’s difficult to know from inside if what we feel is what God intended. It’s even more difficult to judge this from outside.
          That said, yes, God gave us a wide range, and none of it is wrong!

          • I agree with everything you said, and since you said you desired this to be a discussion, I have something to add:

            I don’t believe God intended all of us to desire sex just for the sake of sex. What sex means in your marriage is at least as important as frequency. I would argue, more important. Not desiring sex that is impersonal and mechanical and does not strengthen both partners’ bond, is not necessarily out of God’s intent for His creation.

            Also, I will repeat that I believe it has to be worked out individually in every marriage, and even differently at different stages in the same marriage. For some men, frequency is a big deal and needs to not be dismissed or swept under the rug. My DH would gladly trade near-daily sex with a willing wife, for sex with a highly desiring wife but at far less frequency, even if he had to take care of himself on occasion.

  18. I would love daily or near daily sex. But, I want my husband to want it as much or more than me. It’s not worth it, if he doesn’t want as much as me.

    We spent 22 years in a sexless marriage because of my husband’s refusal. After figuring out the issues and reconnecting sexually about 8 months ago, we have had stints of daily sex. But, I was the driving force in that. I was the one talking about it all the time and still the one initiating most of the time. My husband is working hard to repair the damage from the past, so he willingly abliged as long as I initiated or constantly talked about it. Now that I’m not feeling completely starved any more, I’ve decided to quit talking about sex and initiating it. It’s very obvious that my husband is satisfied with much less sex than I am. Also, he no longer has the ability to perform daily for long periods of time. It makes me feel pathetic to be the driving force for our sex life. I desperately wish he desired sex the way you describe it for most men. I’m just trying to accept that will probably never be the case for us.

  19. 1. Near Daily Sex sounds great, but I tend to think a more achievable goal in most marriages is Sex More Days Than Not. Meaning a majority of days, you connect sexually.

    2. To make that happen, we’d need some scheduling changes and health issues not getting in the way. Which is probably why I think the majority goal is more attainable.
    J. Parker recently posted…Is Your Husband A Liar? with Debi WalterMy Profile

    • @J. Parker – I like it! It’s pretty much what I was going for, but it sounds less scary and far more possible.
      And yes, virtually all couples would need some changes in scheduled, and underlying priorities, to make it happen. These changes would be good for the health of their relationships and bodies too.

  20. I totally understand men’s need for sex, women’s need for emotional relationship, but I find the former to become much more of a ‘need’ than the latter… we hear so often, “men need sex” we don’t hear, “women need to be loved and cared for”. I feel like I am ‘preached at’ so often of how much men need sex, but nobody ever stops to ask the woman WHY she isn’t meeting that need. My husband will complain about sex, but won’t ask WHY I don’t pursue him or WHY I don’t seem excited about it. If my husband paid a little more attention to my needs outside of the bedroom, it would make it a lot easier (both physically and mentally) to pay attention to his needs inside the bedroom. Women put out so much ‘caring’ between children and husband, at the end of the day I feel used up, and nobody is putting any caring into me. As a mom of young boys most days I am physically and mentally exhausted when bedtime rolls around. Paying attention to how he can help me with kids, chores, etc, makes a big difference, not in just the amount of work, but how I FEEL when he helps me and makes an effort to care. I know I’m not alone here, but I think sometimes women in this situation feel like they can’t speak out because they will just be reprimanded. Not to mention SPIRITUAL input. A spiritually absent husband is not doing his wife any favors. Women need so much spiritual encouragement and leadership, and when it’s not there it adds a whole new level of aloneness and feeling like she is leading her family on her own.

  21. Before baby I was the one who wanted sex almost daily, now we are lucky if we manage it twice a week, if that. I am simply too tired, or just plain don’t feel like it. Not that my husband minds at all, his sex drive has never been rampant. To be able to achieve near daily sex now I’d need a revamp of my hormones (I’m breastfeeding and still don’t have cycles 9 1/2 months on) and preferably a house keeper or baby sitter to do the night shifts – if only boobs were detachable! Fortunately we both know this is just a season; trust me I’d love to have some sort of libido!

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