In the last few weeks, I’ve had the chance to talk with several men who have stopped or all but stopped asking for sex. Two of them said their wife would say she wants more sex than he wants. All of these men still want sex, and the two whose wive’s think he is lower drive are wrong.

So what’s up?

The short answer is these men, all married at least five years, are tired of asking and being told no much of the time. Beyond this, they would like their wife to initiate sex. So they don’t ask, or they ask rarely. If their wife suggests sex and these men think it’s “mercy sex” or out of obligation, they often say no thanks. They may also do things to avoid being in a situation where she might offer if they don’t think it’s from her desire.

The issue is these men are tired of thinking sex is mostly for them. They don’t want one-sided sex, or sex they enjoy far more than their wife. They want a mutual sex life, and if they can’t have it they will settle for far less sex.

I have no idea if these men’s perceptions are right. Maybe their wives don’t want or enjoy sex much, but it could be something else. Perhaps they don’t express their desire or enjoyment well.

Women not expressing sexual desire and enjoyment is common problem. Perhaps some of this is a valid gender difference, but I think it’s much more a result of cultural garbage. Women who want or enjoy sex “too much” are called rude names. Another factor is not wanting to play into wrong porn messages, resulting in downplaying enjoyment. 

If your husband seems to have lost interest in sex, I suggest you work on making it abundantly clear to him you want and enjoy sex. Say something like “I need you between my legs now” or just get into bed naked and do something to get him aroused. After sex tell him how great it was for you. If you feel uncomfortable try something silly like “Best sex ever!”

By the way, if your husband shows no drop in sexual interest, doing these things will bless him and prevent it from becoming a problem.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want to make sex as good for her as she makes it for me.

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