I’d Love Her Scars

When we were having dinner with two other marriage ministry couples recently, I did a brilliant job of saying something I’ve never before been able to put into words well.

If Lori was in an accident and ended up with permanent scars or burns on her face, I would not hate the look of her face. I would see her “damaged” face as beautiful because it is the face of the woman I love. What I care about is the woman inside, and I like how her outside looks because I love her.

When I said this, the other men agreed with me adamantly.

Wrinkles around eye © Syda Productions | dollarphotoclub.com

In the same way, I love my wife’s breasts because they are her breasts. I love her butt and her most wonderful private parts BECAUSE THEY ARE HERS. I don’t wish anything were bigger or smaller or perkier, I like her as she is. And, I like her as she is as she ages. Those wrinkles she dislikes I see as part of her story. Those lines are an important part of who she is; how could I not like them? I expressed this thought a few days ago when we had lunch with a couple our age, and the other husband agreed with me.  

I realise some men are jerks who want a picture perfect woman rather than a real woman. I think such men are a minority – especially among Christian men and men over the age of 21. Media has made such men the norm, and they are not.

Your husband is almost certainly as I am. He loves your face because it’s your face. He loves the rest of you because it’s you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is HOT!

Must Read PostIf You’re Turned OFF Sexually by What Turns Your Spouse ON, What Should You Do? | Intimacy in Marriage 

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14 Comments on “I’d Love Her Scars

  1. Unfortunately, my husband has told me he would have a hard time if I lost my attractiveness to scars. He said he would love me still, but have a hard time finding me attractive. He also does wish my breasts were fuller/bigger and complained several times when they shrunk after weaning our last child. I escaped numerous child births with no stretch marks and managed to keep my figure otherwise.

    I think this is because his love is based on what I do for him, how I make him feel, and not on Christ like sacrificial love.

  2. This is interesting. It would explain why my husband gets offended when I complain about my body. I do have stretch marks on my belly from having my sons. I know they’re icky, but there’s not much I can do to change them. Even when I work out and slim down they are still there. And yet, he insists on trying to see me and sometimes he even kisses my stomach (which I HATE) because I am not a size 4 and my stretch marks are so ugly.

    And don’t get me started on my butt, or lack thereof. I have the worlds smallest butt. It’s like, almost missing! My legs are long and slender, and how ugly is that?? Thick thighs are in these days. Just turn on the TV or read ANYTHING and it is obvious that nice, big, round, prominent butts are the hottest thing going. If your butt is small (like mine) you have no hope of being considered an attractive woman. Curvy is the word of the day. I HATE when my husband touches my butt. It’s like he’s mocking me. I know he likes nice butts because I’ve seen him check them out on other women walking by. I have nothing to “check out”. I know he finds me not woman enough because I do not have a big, juicy booty. If he tries to touch mine I say “Sorry, I know it’s hard to find.” And he gets mad! He says things like “Stop saying that! I love your butt.” That’s a lie.

    Anyhow, I never understood why he’d get so mad over me calling out what anyone with two eyes can see is a major flaw. This article gives a little weight to what he says, but I still think he’s lying to try to make me feel better.

    • Wow. I’m so sorry for your husband that you have no trust in what he says and are so disrespectful toward his view of you. Nearly every single Christian marriage blogger in is consensus with Paul’s post here. Your husband loves your body simply because it is yours. The end.

      Here is how it clicked for me. My middle daughter was an ugly baby. I don’t mean that to be cruel, but she just was a funny looking baby! It was easy to see that other babies were cuter than her. But you know what? To me she was still perfect. Because she was mine! In the same way, your body is not perfect. But your husband does not care one iota. He likes your body because it is YOURS.

      And you are clearly hurting him by treating him so disrespectfully. Calling him a liar? OUCH. Forgive me, but you are in the wrong here. What would happen if you stopped rejecting what is true for him and instead basked in it? What if you instead took a “glad you like it, want to see more?” attitude? Your husband would be a lucky man indeed!! Please reconsider. Just because your husband sees your body differently than you do does not make how he sees you untrue for him.

      • Hmmm. You’ve given me something to think about. But a couple things. You and I have both commented on other blogs and you are one confident gal! And that’s awesome for you, sincerely. But I am not as confident as an attractive woman, so there’s that.

        Second, I do not call my husband a liar. I do think he’s lying to spare my feelings, but I don’t ever come out and say “you’re a liar.” That would be rude.

        The very weird thing is, he acts like he wants me to feel beautiful (although my drive is high and his is low so I struggle with knowing I can’t turn him on the way beautiful wives do for their husbands). But regardless, he acts like he wants me to bask in these comments, but is it wise to be naive? To pretend I am something I’m not? To pretend he loves me as much as the husband who desires more sex loves his wife? I don’t know. That’s a pretty big and dangerous leap.

        I’m not hurting him, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I’m not bossy or demanding. I just know my limitations. Whenever I try to act confident or sexy, he laughs! And if say, why are you laughing at me? He says, “I’m not!” All while trying not to smile. Now who is being disrespectful? I Love when we do make love, I just wish it happened more often. I feel like the sexual woman is trapped inside of me and he doesn’t want her to come out. Because she’s nowhere near perfect. Why else would he laugh? At least he’ll look at me now. For years if I’d walk in naked or in lingerie, he wouldn’t even look at me. He’d peek. That made me feel absolutely repulsive. And he didn’t get it.

        We are working through these things. Baby steps. Thanks for your feedback, but I think you are looking at things through the lens of a gorgeous woman who has a husband who desires her and let’s her know it. Big difference.

        • You have no butt? I have barely there breasts. The same society that is telling you you need a butt to be hot, is telling me I need gigantic breasts to be hot. So who is society lying to? You or me? Step back and consider the very strong most likely possibility that society is lying to both of us. Not your husband. Not mine. But society, a world that is sinful and fallen, and has trapped women into thinking that their sole value is based off their sex appeal! Is that all your self worth boils down to?
          Your husband is probably trapped like my husband was for years. It doesn’t matter what he says, you won’t, don’t or can’t believe him. You say you can’t believe him because he is lying, but somehow think that society isn’t?
          My heart feels for you, because a few years back I could have typed those same words, except instead of the focus being on my lack of butt, it would be my lack of breasts, and what little I do manage to have, are covered in stretch marks from nursing a few kids.
          My husband says very little. And often has a tendency to laugh or chuckle when I try. And for a long time I felt as though it was “at me” as well. But that’s just simple not the case. We laugh and chuckle when we are happy, we even cry when we are happy. Why can’t they? My guys laughter and grinning was from just that – being happy and/or surprised.
          Be the sexual woman who you feel is trapped inside. Do it for YOU, not him. Because you are worth it. It has nothing to do with disrespect for him, but guys aren’t like women, and they will never respond like women. Don’t set him up for failure. Instead be this woman for you, and he will notice. Wear the lingerie and nakedness for you. And he will notice. Be confident because you are a woman, and he will notice that too. Stop doing it for him, and do it for you. Because Your Are Worth IT. He will notice.
          And seriously, stop thinking that world is telling you the truth and your husband is lying when it comes to your appearance. I guarantee when the full reality of that statement hits you, it will be very sobering and humbling. Guys know what they like and he picked you. Yes, his eyes might stray, as painful as that is for us, its an area that God is going to have to step in and deal with. So be the you that you feel is trapped inside. I guarantee the sexual confidence will be noticed. And if he smiles and laughs, consider for just a moment its from real joy. If you catch him peeking, rock it girl. He will keep peeking, until he sees that you are okay with him looking. A strange statement I know, but he feels your insecurity as much as you do. He isn’t dumb, and the only thing he can do, is tone things way down to help you not feel so insecure, which is the opposite of what we really need, but to him he thinks its helping you by taking the pressure off.
          Be that woman you feel is trapped. But be her for you first. Because until you do, your husband will never be able to make you feel that way.
          Oh, and even gorgeous women have insecurities.

          • @Henri – “Oh, and even gorgeous women have insecurities.”

            From what I’ve seen gorgeous women are even more insecure about how they look than other women.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…Age: Body vs MindMy Profile

          • Henri,

            Thank you for the thoughtful comment. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I often wish the ladies who read the blog could have coffee together. There’s never anyone to talk to, and it’s hard. Our church is huge and no one really gets to know one another. My mom and sister don’t like me much, and any “friends” I have would never understand. I’d be too embarrassed for them to know my private life.

            So thanks for “talking” with me.

            The reason I would lean towards believing the world over my husband is the world has no reason to lie to me. My husband tries to say things to protect me or make me feel better, even if they’re not true. Plus, my sister would agree with the world, and she certainly has never worried about my feelings. :)

            Anyhow…*sigh*…I dont know

            • @Me – Can I just give you a great big hug my dear. You need one.
              Please believe me that the world has every reason to lie to you. And it is. Our whole world is fallen, and if you believe the world over your husband, then you are already trapped, as I was trapped, and its a miserable, heart wrenching place to be. You will also be surprised how many women are sitting in the same trap, but on a different area, some not ever related to the body. You aren’t alone. But one of the lies the world has sold, is that other women have it together and we are failing. So we are all to embarrassed to even say “I need help” because we are terrified of having one more area revealed where we aren’t good enough. And just like that the enemy has won. Oh my dear, the world has every reason to lie to you.
              Can I suggest you get the book Fervent. If only for the beginning of each chapter where she talks about “if I were your enemy……” and how she would attack you. Its been so eye opening to me to consider all the areas where I have been under attack, and didn’t even realize it, blaming it on so many other things.
              If you ever really want to talk, I don’t mind giving Paul my information to give to you privately, and we can email back & forth.

              • @Me….there were a few times my husband said he wasn’t attracted to me, or complained about my bust size or butt size. Even so, I don’t believe that lie. I decided I am fearfully and wonderfully made and it is his responsibility as my husband to make me his standard of beauty and to choose to be attracted to me. It is my responsibility to offer myself to him freely and choose to love on him. He was missing out on a pretty freaking awesome wife because he was hurting and indulging in sin to avoid stress (watching Game of Thrones and smutty YouTube stuff).

                Over the last 3 years our marriage has healed tremendously. It still isn’t perfect and I still pour my heart out in some of the comments here. Past issues still hurt a lot and hubby still isn’t caught up in the freedom Christ gives within a Godly marriage. I don’t think I am even there yet. Perhaps that’ll come with age when the world defines us as old and unattractive and we’re still having hot sex.

                Ultimately, the world lies. Our Truth is beyond this world. It is in Christ.

            • @Me – “The reason I would lean towards believing the world over my husband is the world has no reason to lie to me.”
              But the world lies to all of us all the time! It’s what the world does.
              As for your sister, from what you’ve said she has a need to tear you down, so I’d not put any stock in her opinion.
              Paul Byerly recently posted…Rethink For A Better MarriageMy Profile

        • @Me

          As a husband who has had (and is continuing…) to work through these same issues with my wife, allow me to point something out from your own words.

          Compare his actions to your responses:
          Him: “he insists on trying to see me and sometimes he even kisses my stomach”
          You: “(which I HATE) because I am not a size 4 and my stretch marks are so ugly”

          Him: “my husband touches my butt”
          You: ” It’s like he’s mocking me.”

          Him: “He says things like ‘…I love your butt.'”
          You: It’s a lie.

          Him: “he acts like he wants me to feel beautiful”
          You: “I complain about my body.”

          Him: “he acts like he wants me to bask in these comments”
          You: “you are looking at things through the lens of a gorgeous woman who has a husband who desires her and let’s her know it”

          It sounds to me like you do have a husband who desires you and is trying to let you know it. You, however, have bought into the someone else’s definition of what beauty is, and are effectively telling you husband that he is either lying, or too ignorant to know what he really desires.

          When I was growing up, I used to watch Charlie’s Angels. As far as I was concerned, the definition of the word beauty was wrapped up in the form of Jaclyn Smith. Her long dark hair, green eyes, perfect smile, with her tall, slim, womanly figure was the standard by which all other women were to be measured.

          Today, I have been married for almost 20 years to a woman who, by most of those measures, the world would consider her complete opposite. 6 months ago, she had brain surgery. Though normally blond, she was bald. Blue eyes, crooked teeth, short, carrying a few more pounds than she did when we got married, and more desirable to me than 1000 “Jaclyn Smith”s. Why? Because I LOVE my wife. Do I know that some people would not find her to be “beautiful” or fit their “ideal”? Sure. Do I care? No. Why? Because I KNOW her and LOVE her! I CHOSE HER!

          Remember, you husband CHOSE you!!! Don’t worry about what other wives and husbands do or don’t do. YOUR husband CHOSE YOU!!!

          You say that “Whenever I try to act confident or sexy, he laughs!” Based on your other comments, I would guess that this may have come across as almost an over-the-top parody of what you think the world sees as confident or sexy. While confidence is sexy, it should be born out of the comfort of understanding that you are desired. In Genesis, it says that Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed. This doesn’t mean that Eve felt she needed to do a catwalk strut with pouty lips!

          Take a chance. Make the decision to believe your husband. Look back at those statements that he is making, where he is telling you that he finds you desirable and allow yourself to internalize them as truth. How would that make you feel? If all of those statements are true, if he really feels that way about you, if you are that desirable to him, how would you approach him? I suspect that you would find the genuine confidence that now you are acting like you have.

          Love is not blind… True love just opens your eyes to the lies of the world, then lets you see what really matters.


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