Why He Put Others Ahead of You
Does it seem you’re always the last person on your husband’s list? Is this especially the case when you want him to do something around the house? He has time to help all kinds of people do all kinds of things, but he never finds time for what needs to be done at home.
I’m not trying to justify him here, but I do want to give you some possible reasons for his wrong behaviour.
- He’s a Pleaser: The pleaser is all about his image. He wants others to like him, and doing what they want is part how he does that. If he thinks he has your love no matter what, he’ll say no to you so he can say yes to others.
- He Can’t Say No: This is similar to number one, but the motivation is different. Some men feel bad when they say no; others fear what will happen if they say no. This leaves him without enough time, and saying no at home seems safer than saying no to others.
- Confusing Why Things Need to be Done. If he sees what he does around the house as “for you” rather than part of what needs to be done to maintain the house, he may feel he’s done “enough” before he’s done what he should do.
- A False Sense of Balance. Even if he fails to do things for you regularly, he probably does more “for you” than anyone else. He may take this to mean he’s doing enough.
- Passive Aggressiveness. He’s upset with you about something else, and saying no to what you want is his way of getting back at you. He may or may not be aware he’s doing this.
- Family of origin issues. My parents expected an unreasonable level of neatness from me when I was young, and I rebelled by being messy. When I got married I continued in that, hurting my wonderful wife. Only when I understood what I was doing and why was I able to change. I’ll never be a neat-nick, but I’ve attained a reasonable level of order.
- Bad time management. It’s easy to give so much time to others he doesn’t have enough time for his family and what needs to be done at home. This is usually coupled with one or more of the above.
If you can identify the reasons or reasons for his neglecting you and what you need him to do, it may help you motivate change.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and living in an RV makes the honey-do list much shorter!
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