“It’s not you, it’s me” is a common phrase used by women* trying to get out of a relationship without a fight. If it’s not him, then he can’t do anything to change or fix it. He has to just let go because she’s said it’s all her. Of course, many who say this actually think it’s very much about him, they’re just trying to avoid an ugly scene. 

In reality, much of what we feel about our spouse is about us, not them. We enter marriage with beliefs, many of which are false, and expectations, many of which are unrealistic. These things have nothing to do with our spouse, but they affect how we see and relate to our spouse and profoundly shape our marriages.

I don’ mean this as blame, and I certainly am not saying your husband is without fault. This is more along the lines of removing the log from your eye. Before you can remove the log you must see it. The problem is we are blind to the lies we believe, the wrong ways we see ourselves, and our unrealistic expectations. 

One place I see this, and hear it often from other men, is women who have a “kick me” sign on their back. (Or maybe “kick me” written all over their body.) They seem to think they deserve a cruddy life. Having accepted it as their lot in life they do nothing to change and subconsciously sabotage their husband’s attempts to make changes. They say they hate it, but they work to keep things as they are.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I have plenty of my own stuff to deal with.

*I suppose men have said this too, but I doubt it’s common. We are more about blaming, not avoiding a fight.

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