What it Takes to Satisfy Him Sexually

When we speak, Lori and I often do an “ask me anything” in which I go to one room with the men while she’s in another room with the women. Then we switch rooms, so I’m with the women and she’s with the men. One of the common questions during this time is about sexual frequency. 

Often the question is about what’s average. I find that to be a pretty useless bit of information. Is the average amount of time Christians spend reading the Bible enough? Is the average amount of time people spend watching TV a sane amount? Rather than what people are doing, I try to frame this in terms of what is needed. What minimum amount is enough for him?

Man in bed with arms raised in victory © sharpshutter22 | stock.adobe.com

For men, the “magic number” is every other day. There are exceptions, but for the majority of men between 25 and 45 this is enough to keep him sane and balanced. Odds are he would like and gladly have more, but at this level, you’re taking decent care of his sexual need. After 45 it will slow a bit, but some men will slow down later and some will slow down far less than others. For men younger than 25, it’s difficult because even if you’re giving him enough he may not feel you are. Many men this age could have sex three times a day for several years. They don’t need that much, but when the ability is so great it’s hard to feel satisfied. 

Please understand it’s not just the total number of times a week, it’s the regularity of it. If you tried to eat all the calories you need for a week on the weekend you’d be neither happy nor healthy. Sex is more forgiving, but not nearly as much as would be convenient. Most guys are feeling it strongly by 48 hours, and past 72 it’s a problem for them on several levels.

I do understand women’s frustration over men being overly focused on the physical aspects of sex. As some of you have pointed out in comments, there’s far more to enjoy than just an orgasm. The problem is it’s very difficult to see or feel these things when a man feels a physical need for sex. The longer it’s been, the more his body wants it, and the less he’s able to think about or care about anything else. The less often a man has sex the worse he is as a lover and the less interested he is in the emotions and relational aspects of sex.

I know this post isn’t what some of you want to hear. One group of ladies told me I had given the wrong answer. They decided once every 28 days was the perfect frequency for sex!

I’m not going to tell you he’s going to cheat if you have sex with him less often. I’m not going to tell you his porn use is justified or understandable if you have sex only half a dozen times a month. I will tell you your husband will feel unloved and neglected. Beyond the physical urge he feels, he will wonder why you say you love him but then choose not to give him something he wants and needs that only you can provide.

~ Paul – I’m XY and my wonderful wife is an expert at this!

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56 Comments on “What it Takes to Satisfy Him Sexually

  1. Pingback: 5 Questions to Create a Sexual Encounter Schedule

  2. Once every 28 days…..

    Yep. Women too often just don’t understand. When I go a long time without sex, yes, I start wondering everything that you said. When I get sex, I’m better able to focus on everything around me.

    Something that should be added is that we do indeed have a greater joy than orgasm. My greatest joy is not my experience but my wife’s experience. If I can make her happy, then that is my ultimate happiness. I don’t want it to be that she has sex just to placate me, but rather she has it because she wants me as well.
    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 6/18/2016: Paul VitzMy Profile

    • @Nick Peters – Any man who loves his wife feels as you do. Ironically this can make it even more difficult for the wife! She might be up for something just for him, but not up to sex for both of them. She offers what she can, and he refuses because it’s less than he wants. Then they both feel hurt.
      My take on this is any sex is good for our marriage. And, any sex tends to lead to more sex in the future.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: PerceptionMy Profile

    • @Nick Peters Are you saying you want sex to be the part of your relationship that brings you wife the most joy?

    • @ Nick Peters,

      I have been trying to understand how my husband feels for over 30 years.
      From my understanding of the experience, I’m glad I’m not a male.

      I don’t know what sexual satisfaction feels like because physically, I have never been sexually frustrated. I have no internal urgency for sex. Yes, I used to orgasm just fine, but they were no big deal and certainly didn’t leave me craving another one anytime soon.
      My husband would love nothing more than to bring me a toe curling orgasm.
      Hasn’t happened yet.
      Sex is ok and I get a lot of emotional kudos from the closeness I feel with my husband. I liken it to my husband wanting to share the beauty of a rainbow with me but I am color blind. I can enjoy the smell of the air, the coolness of the moisture after the rain, and the awe of the shades of the rainbow but I will never experience the vibrancy of the colors as my husband does. I’m fine with that, I don’t know what I’m missing.

      My husband needs sex way more than I do.
      I am willing to accommodate with a loving heart, but I cannot pretend to be lusty and horny when I’m not.
      He has finally made peace with the fact that I love him deeply even though my body doesn’t cooperate or respond the way he would prefer. Especially since menopause.
      I’m pretty sure I’m not the only female on earth who feels this way.

      IntimacySeeker alludes to “Reasonable Expectations”
      Expectations and wishes don’t always play out in reality.

    • I totally agree. My husband and I have frequent discussions about how sex can, essentially, clear his head and bring him back to a comfort level. We write on our blog about how sex is the icing of a marriage, not the nuts and bolts and how he craves touch more than I do because touch is his Love Language. There was a long span of our marriage that I just did not get that all touch was not sexual in his eyes, I have since come around. Over 940 days ago we started a sex streak (my idea actually), daily, to see if we could have sex everyday and who we would become on the other side. The streak has taught us a lot about who we are, who we want to be, where we are in life and why…pretty eye-opening little experiment. Check out our blog, https://letsgostreaking.com/

    • I WISH my husband thought as you do. He is perfectly ok with me not being satisfied sexually. Unless I get there myself, he doesn’t take it upon himself to satisfy me.

  3. I just read your post to my husband (who will be 78 in September). He said right away, “What does he say is the frequency for my age?” Because it’s generally at least five times a week for us, with the occasional day when it’s morning and again at night.

    • @Lynn – It varies a great deal as we get older, with much of that being due to healthy issues.
      I had a male friend in his mid 70’s who said he would like it daily, but his wife only wanted it every other day and that was enough for him to be satisfied. From what I have gathered from other men, and what I see in myself at the age of 55, the “minimum necessary” level drops off faster than what a man is willing and able to do. Sex is still important, but the urgency goes down some. I’ve found it a very nice change, personally. I can still enjoy a great deal of sex, but if life gets in the way for a few days it’s not a big problem.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: PerceptionMy Profile

      • One of my first jobs, as a young woman, was in the activities department of a nursing home, and the first thing my supervisor told me was: “They’re not dead until they’re dead.” True!

  4. Thanks for this reminder, Paul. I see the 48-hour frequency applying to my husband who is nearing his 66th birthday. We aim for Monday, Wednesday, Friday and if sex happens on the weekend too, that’s a bonus. And if we miss one here and there, it’s okay.

    I think the combination of the decreased urgency for him, my understanding of the 48-hour thing, our flexible approach to the MWF schedule, and the increased opportunity in this empty-nest time of life (more free time and being alone in the house), works very well.

    Also, hubby doesn’t expect that sex is always going to be earth-shaking for me. Sometimes it’s just okay, and because I’m okay with that, he’s okay with that. Reasonable expectations create a safe environment.

  5. We are talking male sexual satisfaction here.
    Please a word of caution, even the most loving, giving, caring wife in the world can start to feel used sexually if the husband isn’t extremely tuned into her feelings.
    Don’t let his needs for sex outweigh her need to feel loved and not used. That’s a path better off not taken.

    • I wonder if husbands tend to assume that an intense orgasm will make their wives feel loved, safe, close, connected, happy. A man loves his wife and wants her to feel loved. An orgasm does the trick for him, so why shouldn’t it work the same magic for her? Not that he’s trying to find an easy way out, but perhaps it seems logical to him or perhaps there’s something very affirming for him when her orgasm has the same powerful influence for her that his orgasm has for him. He wants her to feel loved and he REALLY wants sex to accomplish this for her.

      • Very interesting thoughts. I have pondered the same questions for years.
        I believe you are on to something when you say:
        “He wants her to feel loved and he REALLY wants sex to accomplish this for her.”
        It may all come down to the fact that their minds are totally under the influence of testosterone.

      • @IntimacySeeker – Not so much the intense orgasm, but the fact he wanted to give her that pleasure. Great sex takes extra effort, and we see that effort as a clear message of love. So naturally we assume you ladies will feel the same when we do it for you.
        Yes, we want our wive’s to feel loved, and most of us are at a loss as to how to do that. So we fall back to what works for us.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Sacrifice Some Time for HerMy Profile

  6. I’ve been married for almost 12 years and I’ve always known he’d like it more but this seems crazy. We are amazed if it happens once a week, so this has me feeling guilty. Definitely need to work on it.

  7. I think is so very true for many men. But I so hear from so many wives who would love sex every other day, while their husbands are content with maybe once a week. The question comes up that if men physiologically reset every 48-72 hours, then why so many husbands who don’t have sexual urges with this frequency?

    My own belief is that it’s a combination of reasons, but I’m curious what your answer would be. And whether you’re hearing from more and more women longing for greater frequency than their husbands. Thanks, Paul!
    J. Parker recently posted…Q&A with J: How Can I View Sex as “Hot and Holy”?My Profile

    • Yes this. My “drive” is much higher than my husbands. He is happy at twice a week. Whereas after 48 hours, I start to go a little nutty. I understand the male perspective here. The longer the period in between the less I can focus on other things. I have even considered taking anti depressants in hopes of lowering my natural sexual drive. It starts to feel like a burden instead of a joy.

      • @Alicia – Many men would agree less of a drive would be nice. We enjoy the sex, but at times our drive seems a difficult task manager to us. When a wife gets this and does what she can to make it less of a problem she earns a huge amount of love and respect.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: PerceptionMy Profile

    • @J. Parker – I think it’s many things.
      ► We’ve told women they have weak sex drives because we were afraid of what they might be and do if this was not the case. Some women bought into it, others hid out of shame or fear.
      ► Man have heard they are perverts and predators so many times they are scared of their own sexuality. This can depress a man’s drive, cause him to restrain himself, or result in him taking care of much of it himself to look less sexually hungry.
      ► Man are too busy and too stressed. This depresses their sex drive. It also means some men decide it’s easier to take care of the physical themselves in the shower. They probably would rather have sex with their wife, but don’t feel able.
      ► And porn is a big part of it.

      Your thoughts?
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: PerceptionMy Profile

      • The ease of masturbating. A few minutes in the shower is so much easier than having to get the wife to orgasm. Our frequency is much higher and hubby is much happier now that he doesn’t have to expend the time and energy to give me an orgasm when I want it. Instead, I have to take care of myself, either with him or alone, but if I demanded he gives me an orgasm, he would stop having sex with me again.

        • @libl – I suspect this is mostly a problem for men who are too busy, too tired, too stressed, or just plain selfish. When a man has the time and energy, making it pleasurable for his wife is well worth the effort. Besides that, the sex is so much better for him than anything he can do for himself.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Maybe It’s Not Just Between Your LegsMy Profile

      • I agree with all the reasons you mentioned.

        I also believe the sedentary work many men do these days diminishes natural male libido; men don’t get the physicality they need to promote testosterone production, relieve stress and anxiety, and stay in good physical shape to handle sexual stamina.

        Of course, as you said, pornography plays a big, big, big role as well — by displaying a distorted version of sex and thus setting up unrealistic expectations of sex and women, and by allowing an outlet for sexual desire that has nothing to do with intimacy. It’s hard to find guys these days who haven’t been exposed to a substantial amount of pornography, even if it wasn’t their choice, so I think it’s taking its toll overall.

        And one more addition, I believe: Too many men don’t learn how to be men. I’m not saying that we did that well in the past; history has a mixed record on this count. But I think the confusion about masculinity seeps into the marital bedroom, with husbands not feeling confident about wooing their wives, initiating physical intimacy, and providing sexual satisfaction to their wives. We’ve downgraded the importance of masculinity in too many ways in our society — although I know at times in the past, masculinity was mis- or over-represented — and some husbands don’t seem to know how to handle their sexuality.
        J. Parker recently posted…Why Being a Good Father Turns Your Wife OnMy Profile

        • @J. Parker – The change in what men do is a good one. In addition to what you mentioned, it can make a man feel less like a man. That can play out two ways, it can reduce his drive, or it can cause him to seek excessive sex as it’s one of the very few things that makes him feel like a man. And given no wife can fill that, he may then turn to porn.
          One of the dangers of porn is it makes real women seem boring. Sex with his wife becomes difficult or unfulfilling.
          And yes, not knowing how to be a man is a major part of all this. It’s why people like John Eldridge are so important to this generation.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Sacrifice Some Time for HerMy Profile

    • We have 3 kids with another coming this fall… My wife’s sex drive falls off a cliff when she’s pregnant–particularly now that we have 3 kids 6 and under. My drive has always been every 48 hours, and our frequency was around that for the first 6 years of our marriage (married 13 now).

      My wife has never made her own sexual satisfaction a priority–she has no desire to learn how to orgasm, whether by herself or with me. It’s just not important–she has orgasmed, but doesn’t ever want to pursue it. So now, when I see her exhausted at night when the 3 are in bed by 8pm, asking for sex means having an exhausted, ambivalent partner who’s in it just to “get me off”, so to speak–I feel guilty just by asking. So I don’t.

      We’ve talked about it. We’ve tried scheduling sex. But I just can’t get into it anymore if she doesn’t want it for herself. So, for me, right now, it just means coming to terms with a frequency that is FAR less than I want (about once every 10 days). I throw myself into work and research and going to the gym mostly, trying to distract my drive. Sometimes I’ll pick up a cinematic video game like Assassins Creed or Tomb Raider too.

      Everyone’s always telling me that having young kids is just a phase and that it’ll pass… but it certainly doesn’t make it any easier.

      So, I’m just learning to figure out ways to suppress my drive until this “phase” is over. And hope that when my wife is less exhausted she’ll want to become a willing and active partner.

      • Jon – Some men do manage to suppress their drive – only to find they can’t or don’t want to get it back. We’ve talked with more than a few women who have gone from refuser to refused. Most of these ladies see how they helped create the problem and wish they could go back and do things differently.
        I know how much it hurts, but continuing to fight for a good sex life is not just for you, it’s for your wife too.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Maybe It’s Not Just Between Your LegsMy Profile

        • But what if lowering the sex drive makes the wife happy too? I am not saying Jon should do it but I am seriously thinking about doing it. The more I read how complicated sex is the more anguish I feel. Sex is horrible when you read how some women sees it. So maybe I would do my wife a favor. And if playing games is the solution I am in! I haven’t played much since our daughter was born. It would also make it easier to avoid temptations. You said Paul that there should be other things and it may be so. We are having some problems in our marriage and today we talked about it and she said that it was because of that but the thing is that even before this problems she still didn’t want to have sex so I don’t believe it’s about that. She just doesn’t cares so much about sex. Sometimes I think it’s selfish of her but maybe I am selfish for wanting sex so much. So I guess I have to learn to suppress my sex drive. If I can I will be a blessed man because I am tempted much and I hate my sex drive. It’s been a curse since the day i was born and I love/hate it. Somedays I just wish I could cut it off. On of the reasons Heaven will be wonderful is because we won’t have a sex drive.

          • @ac22dm – She might feel relief, but that does not make it a good change.
            God created sex to bond us, and it does that job like nothing else. Science is only starting to understand the hormones and brain chemicals involved, but clearly sex does “make love”. Removing sex from a marriage, or having very little of it, WILL HURT the marriage relationship.
            I don’t think God told us to not refuse because He was concerned about our physical pleasure. I don’t think he gave men a stupid high drive so we would have a lot of babies. I think both of these things were intended to drive us to have very frequent sex so our marriage relationship would reap the blessings that come from that.
            Not having sex because it’s difficult is like not eating because eating causes you pain. It solves the pain issue, but if you don’t eat you die. The solution is to find the cause of the pain and fix it so you can eat and live.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…Sacrifice Some Time for HerMy Profile

        • I certainly hope it doesn’t come to that, Paul. I love my wife very much. And I’ve fought very hard for our sex life for the last 3 years. The battle has worn me down and maybe I just need a breather…

          We’ve had so many frank discussions about sex–and she totally gets my position, gets that I want sex to be more about us than about me–but I can’t MAKE her enjoy sex. Maybe it’s because super ticklish. Maybe it’s because she can’t stand having her clitoris remotely touched (and I’ve tried SO many different techniques over the last few years–with her support). Maybe it’s because she grew up in the purity movement and can’t wrap her emotions around the purity of marital sex and that it SHOULD be enjoyed. Maybe it’s because I didn’t make her pleasure a priority in the first few years of our marriage (though she still has never once directed me into what she enjoys while we’re intimate).

          It could be a lot of things. But I’m just tired of fighting a one sided battle for so long. I don’t want a warm body for sex; I want a partner, a teammate, a collaborator.

          • @Jon _ I would guess the physical issues (ticklish, too sensitive) are her mind “protecting” her.
            We’ve talked to women who are terrified of the idea of enjoying sex. Some do anything to avoid pleasure, others fail to do that and then stop having sex because they can’t do it without pleasure. Some don’t want to be “that kind of woman”, others are afraid of losing control, and some are afraid of starting to want and need it because it will put them at the mercy of their husband.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Put Up With…My Profile

  8. Paul, it is impossible for one person to fully “know” what the other is thinking and feeling. You have however, touched some wonderful points I wish we had earlier in our marriage.
    Ours is a strong relationship focused on serving God and each other, yet sometimes we would really enjoy fully seeing life through the other persons eyes.

    Thank you for the insights, additional comments and fortitude to handle tough issues.
    Jerry Stumpf recently posted…Are past memories, haunting your marriage?My Profile

  9. This was a great post that I wish my wife would read. But reading this and reading the comments makes me feel even more that sex is too complicated and maybe not worth it. As many women that are commenting my wife doesn’t care much for sex. Before our marriage she was often the one tempting me wich led to things I feel ashamed for now but after we got married all that started to fade and is still fading. I don’t get it but it’s sad that when it was sinful it was desireable but now she doesn’t want that anymore. She says it’s because I am not as romantic as before and I can say that i need to work on that but i don’t believe I am supposed to work for sex, altough it feels like I have to. Today she was talking a little about having sex but only because I had cleaned the kitchen, cooked food and washed clothes. I always try to help out at home but I really worked hard this time so she talked about having sex but as usual it lasted for five minutes and nothing happens. So I know i have to be more romantic but as the post says it’s hard to focus on feelings when you have this need for sex. She knows this because one time when we had sex she noticed how happy and loving I was, I even felt stronger in my spiritual life , something that has been hard this last year, and she said:” wow you are really happy . I need to be better at having sex with you” Sadly that didn’t become a reality. Things got worst after that. There were more weeks between the times and right now more than one month has passed and it doesn’t look good. I am sorry for such a long comment but I just feel so frustrated and I don’t know who to tell. My wife doesn’t listen when i try to talk about these things. If I could just turn of my sex drive everything would be ok because sex is too complicated. mlst men and most women view sex differently and it’s not possible to make it work. Some do but far from all do it. So I just wish I could some how kill it. I once tried. I heard that drinking soy milk would help. I started but I really don’t like soy milk. But I wish there were other ways to stop this madness! Sorry for the long comment.

    • @ac22dm – My comment to Jon above applies to you as well.
      I wonder why your wife sees the benefit of more sex, but is unable to make it happen. Digging into that is the key to change, if she’s willing. Maybe she’s just too busy, but I would bet there is more to it than that.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Maybe It’s Not Just Between Your LegsMy Profile

  10. All I seem to be seeing lately is how women don’t want sex as much as men. Am I the only woman who’s not satisfied with the amount of sex they have in marriage? Seriously? My husband and I have great sex but I am almost always the one to initiate it and it is deflating. I feel like I have to beg half the time. I feel like because I want it more than he does, I’m not good enough, even though I know he loves everything I do. He understands how I feel but he still won’t initiate. I told him I’m going to stop initiating… the only problem is, I know we’d eventually get to no sex. Yes he gets tired but when I jump on him, he realises he wasn’t too tired for sex. Yet he still won’t initiate. I’m kind of sick of women being bashed about sex when there ARE women who want it as much as or more than their husband. And as a woman, not getting it often and not having him initiate affects me the same as it does a man. I feel unworthy, unloved, physically unattractive… and feeling all of that affects me in everyday life. He is very affectionate otherwise, and that helps a bit, but I need that sexual bond. It’s not about the end result. It’s about the intimacy, the closeness, the bonding. Quit assuming women are the problem with sex in marriage. I’m not the only woman who’s got this complaint.

  11. Again, more proof that I must be the most repulsive woman In the world. After reading this, and scrolling through the comments, my husband – who is happy with once a week, even though I’d like much more – must just not be able to force himself to be attracted to me.
    I don’t get it. Things were getting much better. I had finally started to believe it had more to do with his insane work schedule and stress load, and not the fact that I’m too ugly, tall, blonde, etc. and then I read this.

    So basically, if we are both healthy, and in our early 40s, and he isn’t wanting it every 24 to 48 hours, I must be repulsive. That is very discouraging.

    According to this, even much older men – that love their wives – want sex almost daily. Therefore logic tells us my husband must be lying when he says he loves me. That, or my body or face just doesn’t do it for him, so he must be lying when he says I’m beautiful. This is all very discouraging.

    And I was doing so well, believing him and feeling better about us. Perhaps, as I feared, I was a fool for allowing myself to believe in his love.

    • B, I don’t know if it has that much to do with how much love there is. Perhaps we could switch husbands – I’d be more than satisfied with once a week, and my husband can do almost every day. I like making him happy. But I would imagine it’s harder for a man to have intercourse without physical desire than it is for a woman.

      • @Lynn – A man might not be able to have intercourse (although most could with a bit of foreplay) but he can certainly do other things for his wife. If she wants sex, he should take care of it, and do so with all the love and involvement he can. Just the same as a wife should do for her husband.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Put Up With…My Profile

    • @B, we do well to remember that comments by some or most men do not apply to all men. There may be any number of reasons why your husband’s love for you or delight in your beauty are not expressed with sexual desire. He may not fit the description of most men you see in these blogs. That does not make him a liar. Every person is unique as is every marriage. I would advise trusting his word and his goodwill and treating him, and yourself, kindly. I am not saying you should not pursue sexual intimacy in your marriage, but the way we go about pursuing it can make all the difference. Speaking poorly of ourselves and accusing our spouses of lying is destructive behavior.

    • B – Men are also messed up sexually, and I would bet his lack of interest has pretty much nothing to do with you. It’s about him, his past, his hang-ups, and his fear.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Put Up With…My Profile

  12. Wow no wonder divorces and cold marriages are rife ONCE EVERY 28 DAYS !!! Well my house would be a war zone !!! Sorry just nooooo!

    Also I have heard stories of wives just having sex to placate their husbands! Well that sounds rather crap ! Your willingly having sex with some that clearly has no sexual interest in you THAT SUCKS BIG TIME!

    So if the average husband (luckly not mine) is focused in this 48 hour sexual release period and it takes primacy over his emotions and the like. What is the difference between masturbating and having sex if its just about release (ok plus maybe looking at a nude image) For a woman there is a big difference between having sex and masturbating even if you are capable of squirting during both process. Even if pysical release was that important to me I would save myself the drama and just masturbate. Just saying

    • @Lauren – The physical release is a big part of it, but it’s far from all of it. I think sex with a woman you love is far better physically, but that’s just a bonus. The bigger thing is how loving sex feels emotionally. For many men it’s the primary way they feel loved and accepted. No amount of masturbation can take care of that.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Balance and Order: Less is MoreMy Profile

  13. Dear Paul

    Honestly as much as watching a husband (who respects you) physically release is REALLY nice to watch and experience. I am afraid sex culturally has become rather penis centric. I.e when he comes, what he finds exciting, it feels like female arousal is this new after thought that has a lot of attachment to male pride and masculinity.

    I think in terms of the way you may think as an indiviual is ahead of the game, I am not finding this way of thinking to be the norm. Which is super sad.

    • @Lauren – You are right to some degree, but I think far more men are where I am than you know.
      Most women don’t have experience with a lot of men, and those who do were mostly with men who are just in it for what they can get. And most women don’t discuss these issues with men in detail. So we tend to base our opinion on what we get from media, which we know is skewed. (Men do the same thing in how they see women and sex.)
      Another factor is most men have no idea how to share with women about their sexual feelings. They use the language they learn from porn and other men, and that language is all about scoring and coming and not at all about her enjoyment.
      Lori and I have talked to a lot of men, women, and couples about sex. We have hard, deep, revealing conversations. We hear the good, the bad, the ugly and all the rest. Among the men I talk with, primarily married Christians over 25, her enjoyment is very important. I’m sure “If she enjoys it we will do it more often” is part of that, but it’s neither the only nor the primary motivation for most.
      Yes, it’s a mess, but I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as most think, and I see a lot of men in their 30’s who are far more loving and caring than their fathers.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Let’s PlayMy Profile

  14. I can’t tell you how enlightening this thread has been…and feel the title is more than a bit misleading too…since I see it more along the lines of “what it takes to satisfy him sexually AND emotionally AND more..”

    @PaulByerly: YES! not sure how or where you were come to this, but it’s spot on. That said, there is more than just the sexual side here as I shared above. The time spent with foreplay and sex leads to closer intimacy and a feeling like she really does want and need me. I know I’m much higher drive than my wife, but her past behavior put me in a spot where I a) felt like I was always the initiator and always the one asking, b) when she would regularly say no, DID leave me feeling like others here have shared…

    @NickPeters: YES! as with you, my greatest joy is also not my experience, but that of my wife. This has actually caused considerable grief and frustration on both sides since like @Joile, my wife simply doesn’t have ANY internal urgency for sex. When she is interested (1-2x/month, we are always able to share toe-curling orgasms, but then there’s the rest of the time. Because I’ve always been focused on pleasuring and pleasing her, and she really didn’t want/need it (but never shared that with me verbally for the 1st 15yrs of marriage)…as so many others have shared, the feelings of rejection

    @Jolie: you and my wife must be long lost identical twins! ;-) and your analogies for your husband wanting to share a rainbow with you, yet you’re colorblind is really a great way for guys to understand this from your side. And your other point of caution so that this doesn’t lead any “her” to feeling used is so insightful. I must share though, this “need for sex” is SO much more and deeper for me – and I’m guessing many other guys who DO want to share this with their wives (unlike @Libl’s husband…)

    @IntimacySeeker: I personally don’t think that some men just assume that because an orgasm “does the trick for him”, it also should for her. again IMHO, it’s so much more than just the orgasm for me: it’s hoping/believing (needing) that she *wants* to spend this time being physically intimate with me, she *wants* to share this with me and nobody else, she *wants* to. @Jon said it so well in that he wants a partner, a teammate, a collaborator”…a willing and involved “girlfriend” in other words.

    @Jon: I’ll pray for you that she will want to become a more willing and active partner, but sadly and like you in your 3-yr battle, our 20yrs has been filled with fight after fight after fight over this very topic…and finally, after a ridiculous 20years, I think we’re FINALLY figuring things out (like she doesn’t need to nor want to orgasm every time, like I should not always try to please her because she’s often simply not “needing” the intimate time and orgasm like I am, that I’m NOT being selfish for needing her when she doesn’t need me…)

    @Rachael: YES! Looks like there are some women out there who can relate to what many more guys feel and experience. Your feelings of being unworthy, unloved , physically unattractive are spot on – exactly what I’ve felt for the better part of 20 years of being the initiator with a low-drive wife. It’s more than just the sex – its knowing your partner, your soulmate can show you you’re desired and wanted and needed through these intimate times that can’t be shared with anyone else – can’t be replicated by anything else…

    @ac22dm: I’ve had similar thoughts that maybe I am just being too selfish for desiring my wife as much as I do, but as I’ve read from others, its more than just the release or the act of sex – this intimate time seems to be so much more as @Rachael pointed out. This intimate time is more than the end result … the sexual bond embodies so much more, and ALLOWS both husbands (and higher drive wives) on that side of things to be able to provide the closeness, the sense of security, and so many other things that so many women need in an intimate relationship.

    Better stop there for now. Thank you all for your insights and more.

  15. My dear bride felt like a “terrible wife” after reading this post, but reading betweeen the lines, it seems to me she was telling me “sorry, that’s just the way it is”. We have a twice exceptional child who takes a LOT of time and energy from both of us. We are heading towards homeschooling, which will even more limit the amount of potential alone time we have. I have done my best for years to offload as much housework from my wife as I could, and she’s admitted to me that I’m beyond expectations as a husband. She praises me frequently, and is loving to me in other ways. But frequency has been pretty steady over the years at about 2-3 times a month. Occasionally more, but often less. Unfortunately, this is not even close to enough to keep me sane. She’s even told me she is fine with me taking care of myself as often as I need to, which actually hurt me to hear. I don’t know if she realizes how frustated I am on so many levels. I can’t even watch TV shows with sex scenes in them because, 1)it hurts to get it rubbed in my face, and 2) It puts me in a position of having to fight off sexual temptation, which unfortunately is rampant in today’s society, but SO much harder to fight when I’m almost always feeling sexually starved. And it seems like the TV shows she watches often have sex scenes in them. Sometimes I just get up and leave because it hurts too much to sit there with my wife, who I should be making love to, rather than watching someone else do it.

    I have tried taking initiative (rather than waiting for her to initiate), and frequency did go up, but then she started resenting me and said it felt it like it was “just for me” (even though I put a ton of effort into being a generous lover). So I stopped. We’re back to me waiting for her to initiate. I’ve suggested different times of day, but she gives a reason (that’s valid to her) why each time doesn’t work. Her ideal time of day is late morning, when I’m at work. We don’t have family to send our child off to, and there are rare sleepovers that give us a few evenings a year of alone time. There was a time when she offered her hand or mouth to take care of me (back when I was initiating more), but for some reason that has stopped happening. I think that might go with her comment about it feeling like it was “just for me”.

    I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t last more than a minute when we do get together, and even when I break down and take care of things myself, I climax way before I used to. Sometimes I’m not even fully erect when I climax. I feel like I am falling into a mental sexual disorder. I just don’t know what to do about it. I know my partner and I need to work on this together, but I’ve been told that it is what it is, or that we are in a “season”. Seasons by definition are supposed to change every few months, though.

    I read that post above from Christina Rhodes, who homeschools two kids, but decided to, and made time for, making love with her husband every day, and I can’t help but think that I’m not doing enough as a husband, or my wife would gladly make this more of a priority.

    I see where she spends the bulk of her time and effort (work/social media, TV shows), and to be honest, I feel like my “needs” are at the bottom of her list. She may say that is not true, but actions speak louder than words. I see so many opportunities for quickies (even when our child is in the house), and I think to myself, “I’m not even worth a few minutes of almost zero effort on her part”. Because I’m at the point where I’m so desperate, I’d probably come in less than 30 seconds if she pulled me into the bathroom and locked the door.

    I realize this topic is many months old, but if you read this Paul, I’d be grateful for any advice. Thank you and God Bless You for your work.

    • @closertotheheart – I would say it comes down to what your wife believes. Either she believes she should not have to provide for your sexual needs where they exceed hers, or she does not believe those needs are valid, or she does not think she can take care of them.

      Telling you that you can do it yourself is her way of letting herself off the hook. She has “given you permission” to climax as often as you feel you need to, so she feels she has done enough. What she needs to know is you want and need more than having regular climaxes – you need to make love with your wife. I’d start by explaining this to her, that you could never masturbate enough to not want and need to be sexual with her.

      The next step is to start being honest with her about how her refusal hurts you and how it is affecting the way you feel about her. Of course, you can’t do that until you are honest with yourself about those things, and that’s going to be painful. (I need to write something on this over on The Generous Husband)
      Paul Byerly recently posted…You Know You Could Upset Her. So….My Profile

      • @Paul – Thanks for the advice. That gives us some places to start.

        Regarding taking care of myself, you are absolutely right. It can take the edge off when things get really uncomfortable down there, but often I feel worse afterword. It’s depressing to resort to this, completely unfulfilling emotionally, and actually opens the door for inappropriate fantasies.

        Could you elaborate more on what you meant by being honest with myself? That kind of went over my head.

        • @closertotheheart – I understand feeling worse after. The physical pressure is gone, but it highlights the lack of real sex with the women you love.
          As for being honest with yourself, how does the lack of sex make you feel? How does it make you feel about your wife? Does it make you feel she does not love you? Does it make it harder to be loving to her? I think we sometimes hide from how we feel, or dull it down, because we don’t want to deal with what those feelings mean.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Why She Says No to Sex And What You Can Do About ItMy Profile

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