The Sex Lies Hurting Our Marriages
I am increasingly convinced our sexuality is based on lies upon lies. Even when we seek the truth about sex I fear we are doomed to fail because we end up choosing from competing lies. Some of the lies are less horrible than others, but they’re still lies and they still keep us from the sex lives and marriage relationships God intended us to enjoy. It’s enough to scare us away from sex!
I’d very much like to follow that lead-in with a post sharing The Truth about sex and intimacy with you. Sadly, I can’t do that because I’ve not found much of the truth. What I hope I can do is expose some of the lies and point you in the direction of some of the truth. If you realise you’ve been living lies you can start to look for truth, and while that can be a challenging journey, it’s well worth the effort.
I’ve been mulling over this post for some time now. I don’t really feel ready to do it, but I suspect I will never feel ready. I hope this will spark a lot of discussions: discussion here, discussion with your husband, and discussion with your friends. Sharing the bits of truth we find will help others, and perhaps together we can zero in on the truth. So, without further ado, some thoughts on the lies and truth of sex:
Lie: Sex Is Just For Men
I’ve touched on this before. I think it’s one of the biggest sex lies of our time. It robs both men and women of the intimacy that should permeate their marriages. It keeps women from looking for the truth about sex, and it skews men’s perception of sex away from the truth. God intended both men and women to have a deep desire to be sexual with their spouse. What drives us to sex differs, but the end goal is the same.
Truth: It’s About Connection
God created us as sexual beings so husband and wife would become deeply connected. A mutually enjoyed sex life bonds a couple like nothing else. Sex alone won’t do it, but without sex, it’s not possible for a couple to have a deeply intimate marriage. Sex is not the frosting on the cake, it’s the oven that converts batter into a cake.
Lie: Sex Is A Small Part of Life
We are inherently sexual beings. Not just when we’re having sex, but all the time. Our gender is a huge part of who we are, and sex flows from our gender. When we compartmentalise sex we turn it into something other than what God intended. Cutting it off from the rest of our relationship makes it cold and mechanical, lacking in the depth is should have.
Truth: Sex Is Good for Us
This one is easy to prove; regular orgasmic sex has been shown to do amazing things for the health of our bodies and minds. Good sex means you’ll live longer and have less disease and pain. Sex also helps us feel more emotionally balanced and fights depression.
Lie: It’s All About Physical Pleasure
Physical pleasure is important (see next) but sex is so much more than orgasm. Sex cross-connects our minds and emotions. Sexual generosity fosters appreciation, while sexual vulnerability leads to greater trust. We learn to give and receive and to take great enjoyment in both. BTW, focusing on physical pleasure tends to make the non-physical better.
Truth: Physical Pleasure Is Important
Our bodies are designed to experience incredible pleasure during sex. Most of us never get even close to what we could have. I suspect this is out of fear. Fear of being overwhelmed, fear of losing one’s self, fear of being dependent on our spouse, or fear of enjoying it “too much”. While it’s easy to put this one on women, I think men do it too.
The physical pleasure God packed into sex is so great it terrifies us. The pleasure isn’t just a bonus, and it’s not just there to get us to have sex. Arousal and orgasm cause significant hormonal and chemical changes. Most of the benefits of sex are tied to these biochemical changes; exclude or limit the pleasure and we miss out on much of what God wanted sex to do for us. BTW, focusing on non-physical pleasure tends to make the physical much better.
Lie: Sex Is Overrated
We get burned out or bummed out about sex because we’re not living the truth. If we feel it’s not worth the trouble, or nice but no a big deal, we’ve missed what God intended. What God wants for us in sex is far too grand to ever be overrated.
Truth: There Is So Much More!
I think what we experience sexually is a very small part of what God intended. We’re viewing a two-dimensional, black and white, cartoon. God wants us to participate in a real, 3D, full-colour reality.
Lie: Porn Is About Sex
Porn uses sex, but it’s not really about sex. I’ll be talking about porn next week both here and on The Generous Husband.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want to expose all the lies!
This week’s TMB survey: Got Foreplay? ◄ How long should foreplay and intercourse last? Do you get as much as you would like?
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