Adding Slang to Your Sex-life

A comment on our Sexual Slang survey results basically asked how to add the use of such words to a couple’s marriage bed. As the comment came from a woman, I thought I’d address it here.

First, we need to clarify what words we’re talking about here. Then we should discuss if and why you might do this.

The Words:

I’m not going to post a list of words here because it might draw undesired attention to this blog and it could be a problem for search engine performance and filtering software. The words we asked about in the survey show as part of an image on the survey results page. Some are used as swear words as well as to describe parts of the body and sex acts. Some are more slang and are primarily used to describe sex. A couple of them can be heard on occasion on broadcast television.

Do you want to... © Niki Love |

Is It Okay?

As seen in the survey comments, some felt most or all of these words were unacceptable either to God or for their marriage. I’m certainly not going to tell anyone they should use any word if they or their spouse had a problem with it. If I thought using such words was inherently sinful I’d not be writing this, so while I’m not going to discuss our personal sexual vocabulary, neither of us is morally opposed to using such words in theory.

Several comments said things like “We don’t use these words in any other way, to us they’re not curse words.” Some will see this as justification, others will not. I have a hard time seeing any collection of sounds (which is what a word is) as being inherently wrong. Plenty of words which once were acceptable are now used as slang words for sex or as swearing. Other words which once had such a meaning no longer do. 

That said, some words have been so used for something bad/unloving it can be difficult to get past that meaning. This can be particularly true if a word was used to swear AT YOU. A woman who’s been called “the c word” in anger is not likely to find it a good word to identify her genitals. If a man has heard certain words heavily in porn he may not like the way they make him think or feel. So there are cultural and personal issues at play here, and those will vary for every person and each couple.

If a word feels wrong or ugly to either you or your husband, love requires you to both avoid it. It’s also good to avoid words that make either of you feel silly or like you are three years old. Few men want their penis referred to as their “pee-pee” by the wife as part of sex.

Why Would We Use Such Words?

Above I suggested how words make us feel should be a factor in what words we use for sex. Another side of this is that “proper” words often feel cold and clinical. Let’s face it, things like “You’re getting my phallus engorged,” “I desire coitus,” “Copulate harder,” and “My climax is imminent!” just don’t sound very sexy. They communicate information, but they don’t do such a good job of communicating feelings and desire. Besides, who wants what your husband says during sex to remind you of your gynaecologist appointment! 

Then there’s the potential thrill of using “naughty words”. For a man, the thrill is that his wife is cutting loose. She’s embracing her inner vixen and he loves it. For her, using such words could be a way of breaking free of some of her sexual restraints. It may also be a way of putting herself into a sexual mindset. She has a set of words she only uses with her husband for sex and using those words helps her change roles from mother to lover.

Finally, How?

If you want to modify the words you and your husband use for sex, regardless of how you want it to change, you’ll have to have the difficult discussion. Unless he’s really turning you off with his choice of words, I suggest a gentle approach. Tell him you want to come up with a sexual vocabulary you both enjoy. Tell him you want words that express desire, longing, and lust. Most men will be okay with the lighter words on our survey, and a majority will be okay with many of the harder ones.

This is not a good discussion to have before, during, or after sex. You should both have clear minds and not be eager to move along. One good way to discuss this would be to pull up the survey we did and use it as a tool. The survey, as opposed to the results, is here. Each of you can rate the words as yes, no, and maybe, then go from there. You can each also suggest words and do the same with those. In time you will construct your own personal sexual vocabulary.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like the words my wife uses for sex.

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10 Comments on “Adding Slang to Your Sex-life

  1. I was surprised at one of the survey comments where one of the commenters thought a couple words could be positive…but his partner didn’t hear the words in the way he intended.
    I would say most women don’t like the C word and find it derogatory.
    I never use the word D word you know the one that is a nickname for Richard. Richard is a family name and many older men used that particular nickname. I think the nickname preceded the secondary usage of the word.
    For most of the other words I don’t really care. I can’t speak for all women, but I don’t like hearing them out of the blue. As in, if my husband and I hadn’t really talked much during the day then all of a sudden he starts saying “I’m this” or I want to do that”…use your imagination. Big turnoff there.
    We have some ordinary words we use that have a different meaning when used in a certain context.

  2. We don’t use any ‘bad’ words; my husband uses common euphemisms for things (like ‘come’) that I wouldn’t use, while those things are happening. However I do talk about what’s going on and about his body, and we have our pet names for things. Something I never did before marriage is make double-entendres to my husband (and then tell him he’s the one with the dirty mind!) Problem for me is, I know that it was important to my husband that I was a ‘good girl’ when we married, and sometimes I ask him it it bothers him that I’m a ‘bad girl’ with him at times. He always reassures me, but it’s nice to hear confirmation that men like the ‘inner vixen’ to come out.

  3. Really ……….I am pretty sure when my husband last had a giant orgasm (this morning) he shouted something filthy! It was a total turn on as you could just see he had completly let go! ahhhggg dirty words are going to fly out of your mouth when your going at it. Why do people have to be derogatory and degrading about it, its really simple.

    • Guess I disagree. Not everyone is going to shout crude words in the heat of passion and just because some don’t doesn’t mean they aren’t totally letting go.
      I think the words we are generally comfortable with in everyday life will be those words we use during sex. If the f-word is not part of someone’s vocabulary in general then it most likely won’t be a part of their sexual vocabulary as well. They probably aren’t going to just yell it out during lovemaking.
      But it certainly doesn’t make it wrong to use dirty words during lovemaking as long as each person is on the same page or no one makes a huge deal of it if it just happens, unless it does feel degrading to one spouse.
      Just my .02 cents. ;)
      Amy recently posted…When life drives you to your knees…My Profile

  4. I tend to feel about curse words in the bedroom the way I feel about them generally: they’re crass and show a lack of creativity. The choice is not merely to use scientific terms or sexual slang words; rather, we can use symbolic language (see Song of Songs), euphemisms, and neologisms (words we make up) to talk about sex and body parts. If anything, I think private, just-us language promotes intimacy.
    J. Parker recently posted…What Are the Real Purposes of Sex?My Profile

  5. Pingback: Best Christian Sex Links of the Week | Married Christian Sex

  6. I tend to agree with J, crass words are just crass. Not sexy. Specially since I try hard not too curse. Which is hard. Specially if I’ve been in certain areas of the internet too much.

    I’m sorry. Hearing that this phallus is engorged would be pretty awesome. And hilarious. Similarly for the other scientific utterances. I’d think them pretty sexy. They’re like ironic, high brow, private sex jokes. And that’s pretty great. We’re don’t actually talk much during. I wish he would more

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