Based on comments and emails we get from readers of The XY code it’s clear a good many of you would like more sex than you are having. Given this is very much a matter of how his mind works, it’s something I should address. 

As I thought about this it became clear it would not fit in one post. So this is part one, with two and three the next couple of Fridays. If getting more sex with your husband is not on your to-do list just skip today and the next two Fridays.

The first issue is why you’re not having enough sex. If you know why then you can better work on fixing the issue.

• Maybe he wants more too but your lives are just too stinkin’ busy to make it happen. Many men will take what they can reasonably get and make up the difference on their own*. This is safe and easy and can become a habit he keeps even when it’s no longer necessary.
• He might be desperate for you to initiate. We’ve been told we are over-sexed pigs, and if you do the asking we don’t have to worry about that. I know some women struggle with initiating for a variety of reasons, but if you want more you need to speak up.
• Perhaps he’s still upset about being told no in the past. I had one guy admit he often says no to his wife because she said no to him for years and he’s getting even. For many formerly refused guys it’s not about trying to hurt her, it’s about protecting himself. What is he goes with it then she backs off again? He could get hurt all over again. Still, other guys have sublimated some of their drive into something (work is a common choice) and want or don’t think they can manage more sex.
• Porn can be a factor, but not nearly as often as many think. Unless he has gotten to where he can’t function without porn, he’s not likely to limit sex in favour of porn.
• Honest lack of drive is possible, but it’s not at the top of the list. Even less common is a lack of drive for hormonal reasons. Yes, it happens, but testosterone replacement is not the cure-all some make it out to be, and there are risks.

If you have played any part in any of the above, the first step is to admit it to your husband and ask him to forgive you. Next week I will talk about ways to use how God built him to get him into bed. Unless his drive is just gone, you have a good chance of being able to arouse him. Once you do that, the next step is even easier.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I don’t understand this one.

*Before you tell me your husband doesn’t masturbate, please know we’ve done three surveys on this, with several thousand replies, and 83% to 90% of married men say they masturbated in the last 3 months. The reality is he can go into the bathroom for two minutes and both pee and masturbate. I’m not suggesting many men do this, just trying to convey how fast and easy it is for a man.

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