Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 2

If you want more sex in your marriage you need to do two things. First, you need to stop doing what doesn’t work, and second, you need to find what does work.

Today I’m going to talk about what doesn’t work. Next Friday I’ll talk about what might work. I should say some of the things below do work with many men. If a man is feeling good about himself and his marriage and has a good sex drive, many of these will get him into bed. But this series is for women who aren’t getting enough sex, and those women are dealing with men who are not so easily seduced. For whatever reason (that probably has little or nothing to do with you) he needs a bit more to get aroused or to get over whatever internal walls he has.

Woman being seductive © zinevych | stock.adobe.com

What Doesn’t Work, and Why

  1. Hints: You and your husband speak different languages especially when it comes to sex. He may miss the hint, or he may not be sure you’re asking for sex. His internal fears can easily overpower him and cause him to feel it’s not worth the risk to follow what may or may not be a hint.
  2. Being seductive: The image above is pretty clear, right? The woman is inviting sex. Maybe more than inviting, she’s asking for it. Part of the problem is women generally have no idea how inherently sexual they are. You do seductive things all the time without meaning to or having any idea you’re doing it. Most men have a long list of attempted sex failures based on him seeing something as seductive when she didn’t mean it as such. After a while, a guy can decide your seductive actions are either an empty tease or totally unintentional. This makes ignoring them the safe way to go.
  3. Being “available”: Telling him you’re willing to make love is not asking him to make love. As I tell men, if you didn’t ask for sex, you can’t have been refused. I’ve heard women say initiating sex makes them feel bad. That’s his job and if she has to do it something is wrong with him, or her, or both. Maybe something is wrong, maybe not, but if initiating takes care of it, then initiate. Stop letting whatever fear or expectation the world has put in your mind keep you from doing what will get you the sex you both need.
  4. Asking at bad times: Some men, especially young men, can and will stop in the middle of anything for sex. But some men are never like this, and age will change this for all men eventually. He can be too physically, emotionally, or mentally exhausted for sex. Ask when he can’t or just doesn’t feel like it and he will say no.  Some women seem to have a talent for asking at the worst possible times. I suspect some subconscious angst causes this.
    BTW – if your husband is fifty or better, morning is the best time for him to have sex hormonally, and bedtime is the worst possible time, hormonally.
  5. Saying you want sex later: Most husbands can recall plenty of times their wife was all hot and heavy in the middle of the day or while out for the evening. She promised wild sex when they got home or when the kids were in bed. Then… nothing. It’s like that sexual woman was replaced by a sexless clone. At best she was willing to have mercy sex if he asked. This kind of sexual bait and switch hurts a man a great deal, and he can easily decide the best reaction to a promise of later sex is to fight hope or arousal and prepare himself for disappointment. If this has ever been your husband’s reality, talking about having sex later may put him off sex.
  6. Shaming: Questioning his manhood or asking what people would think if they knew he refuses you are counter-productive. Might make you feel good for a moment, but it just pushes him further from you and from being sexual. He’s already worried about these things, and you bringing them up just makes it worse.
  7. Making assumptions about erections: Women tend to think an erect penis means a man is horny. This is not the case. While most (but not all) erections are caused by some form of arousing stimulation (sight, thought, or touch) erections can be quick and easy and reflect only the most minor arousal.  
    One common non-sexual erection is the morning erection. Any time a man is dreaming, about anything, he gets an erection. (BTW, women are the same way, every dream causes swelling and lubrication.) If he wakes up during or just after a dream, he will have an erection. And for some reason dream erections tend to be especially full and hard. These erections don’t signal sexual arousal. (Which is not to say it’s not an opportunity. More on that next week.)
  8. Feeling you don’t deserve sex/good sex: Do you think you deserve good sex? Do you think you should be sexually satisfied? If you don’t, odds are you are not now, and never will be, sexually satisfied. We have an amazing ability to keep ourselves from having good things we think we don’t deserve. Is it possible you’re secretly sabotaging your sex life?
    For the record, God says you should have a great sex life, and no sexual sin past or present can disqualify you from it. 
  9. Using sex to fix things or apologise: I’ve seen a few women who think sex is the sure way to make up for any wrong they commit against their husband. This may seem to work for a time, but it’s not a sustainable gambit. Sex can’t fix non-sexual problems, and eventually the non-sexual problems will hurt your sex life.
  10. Using sex for reassurance: Some men think having sex means their marriage relationship is okay. Such men may push for a lot of sex to convince themselves and/or their wife that their marriage is fine when it’s really a mess. This is less common among women, but it does happen.
    Another version of this is the woman who uses sex to convince herself her husband is still interested in her. As her fear and self-doubt increase, she seeks wants more and more sex.

Please note none of the above means there’s anything wrong with a woman wanting a great deal of sex. As I’ve discussed before I think God gave women a far greater capacity and desire for sex than most women experience. If you want more sex than your husband you’re not a pervert and you’re not insatiable. I understand the pain of not having the sex you want with your spouse, and in some ways, I think it hurts women even more than it hurts men. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hope this helps!

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29 Comments on “Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 2

  1. Spot on! When we were dealing with hubby’s refusal, I found out that a good portion of it was his frustration and confusion at my attempts to initiate.

    I learned that I wasn’t initiating sex. I was initiating an invitation for him to initiate sex. He would lay there think I was finally going to take charge and responsibility for my sexuality and finish what I start, but then, when he didn’t respond to my hints, I would get hurt and roll over and go to sleep.

    We had such a miscommunication last night. Finally, I straight out asked and he said yes.

    He also assumed I would refuse him. I told him he doesn’t have to ask. The answer is yes. The default is yes. We also agreed to scheduled times….weekend mornings. It is understood that we have sex on those days.

    Just after the refusal arguement, we went a year or two where I had to build my sexual confidence by initiating and I had to do it unromantically by straight out asking. I had to learn to take no’s maturely, and follow through on what I started.

    I had always been sex positive and adventerous. I have never refused my husband. (Ok, I did once, but he successfully seduced me about 5 minutes later). But, I wasn’t at all sexually confident and put all my sex balls in hubby’s court. I made him responsible every time for my sexual pleasure, and he resented it and came to dislike and eventually refuse giving me oral and manual. He still hasn’t returned those sexual gifts to me. That saddens me, but I have learned other ways to orgasm.

    In one way I am glad that the changes occurred. Not for how it happened….3 years without orgasm from hubby and many years of refusal, then a huge arguement and his gatekeeping to “teach me a lesson,” but it did force me to grow sexually. Lemonade out of lemons.

    • @libl “I was initiating an invitation for him to initiate sex.” – Exactly. You put it so well.
      Sex is confusing enough for our own sexuality, and we have full access to the sensations, thoughts, and emotions for ourselves! When it’s someone else, with a body we don’t understand, it’s crazy.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Does Your Marriage Evangelise?My Profile

  2. I’m definitely not low drive. The first case is definitely there. We men don’t pick up subtle hints. My wife has told me about two times she was really in the mood and trying to hint to me and I totally missed it so I missed out on that sex and…..

    Pardon me. I need to go mourn again.

  3. What counts as subtle? Things that have failed for me:

    * Greeting my husband when he gets home from work in a bra and panties
    * Straddling my husband on the couch and kissing him
    * Mentioning that I had downloaded a sex dice game on my phone and would like to try it that night
    * Kissing his neck while we were watching TV

    I’ve also done stuff like just wear a negligee to bed and stuff, but I could see that being too subtle.

    • @sunny-dee – A lot of this depends on the couple, their past, and his past.

      * If you ever wear just panties and bra when you are not looking for sex then he has no way of knowing what’s up. At best it’s asking him to initiate, which feels risky.
      * Women can be very physically sexual without meaning to do so. If every brush of a breast against a man was an invitation to sex he would be exhausted in no time. Women seem to be able to disconnect from sexual contact when it’s not meant as sexual contact.
      * Not a bad start, but then follow up with a direct ask at an appropriate time. Leaving it to him to ask is putting the risk on him.
      * As above – is it a come on or just a loving kiss? You know the difference, but he does not.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Does Your Marriage Evangelise?My Profile

      • Um, I would think greeting hubby at the door in nothing but a bra and panties might be pretty obvious, UNLESS, she always just walks around in her underwear. LOL!!
        Amy recently posted…A book reviewMy Profile

        • @Amy – It doesn’t have to be always. If she once when to the laundry for something she knew was clean wearing little or nothing and he misinterpreted it as asking for sex he is once bitten and twice shy.
          I think a lot of women see their nudity or partial nudity as sexual or not sexual depending on if they are feeling sexual at the moment. But to the husband looking on it’s all looks the same and we have no clue if it’s a come-on or not.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Got Fantasies?My Profile

          • Oh I get that, but she is saying she greets her husband wearing only a bra and panties when he’s getting home from work. She’s not just quickly running through the house to get something out of the dryer when he walks in.
            And so it made me chuckle when your reply was that he may not know what’s up because his wife wears a bra and panties whether she’s feeling sexual or not. Really?? Your wife is standing there as you walk in the door in just a bra and panties and a guy’s going to think to himself, “Hmmm, I wonder what she’s wanting?” LOL
            Amy recently posted…A book reviewMy Profile

            • I think we tend to paint all men with the Hollywood brush. In the movies, flash a bra or boobs, and a man becomes a blithering sex idiot or romantic Casanova. Either way, the power of her seduction is simple and he goes for it.

              We watch these movies and then wonder why our men aren’t taking the bait.

              Reality lesson: gentlemen are taught that not every display of sexuality means they are entitled to pursue sex and I believe just about every one of us women have proved that to our men at one point or another, whether we intended to or not.

              Reality lesson: Sometimes he just wants all doubts erased and for his wife to finish what she starts. If she shows up at the door wearing lingerie, and he holds back a little just to be safe, to see where she is going, or to hope she gets really seductive, and she misinterprets it as disinterest and starts washing dishes instead, then the communication train has derailed.

              Reality lesson: hints and assumptions only work in movies. Hubby and I had to learn to communicate and understand each other in plain, straightforward English, and understand each other’s boundaries BEFORE we could engage in sexual play with hints and flirtations. Even then, if we start derailing, the default is plain English.

              Reality lesson: flirtation isn’t necessarily invitation. Sometimes it is just flirting. Hubby and I flirt a LOT, but that doesn’t mean we have sex all the time. Sure, one or both of us might want to, but life happens. If we are flirting on a day we normally don’t have sex, we need to go back to plain English to communicate a desire to have sex. Otherwise, it is just foreplay flirtation towards the next regularly scheduled program.

              Reality lesson: sometimes men just want their wives to do all the work. Like I said above, I wasn’t initiating sex. I was initiating an invitation for him to initiate sex. If that’s what you are doing, you have to make that clear to him. “When I show up at the door in bra and panties, I want you to start seducing me and initiate sex.” He’s probably thinking (and hoping) she takes the reigns and initiates and follows through.

              Reality lesson: sometimes he is just tired. This, too, needs to be communicated. My husband used to just withdraw and push me away verbally, which just made me flirt harder in a desperate attempt to prove to myself that I could be sexy enough to overcome any problem. Now, he will say, “honey, I want you so badly, but I am beat.” And instead of bugging him for sex, I will help him rest and relax. Sometimes he needs to sleep the night away. Sometimes, a nap and that sex seed has sprouted. Sometimes, he’ll get frisky in the middle of the night.

              I know this comment is long, but I have been there. Years of working on it and trying to understand and shaking off cultural lies, respecting boundaries and communications….living in resentment doesn’t help. Believe me, I still fight it. Actively work on it. Change can take years. Be patient and keep taking baby steps.

              • An important distinction here is whether or not the man wants to have sex. If he has made up his mind not to have sex, he likely does realize the implication of these actions but doesn’t care. If anything, these actions will make him mad. If I did any of these things, my husband absolutely knew the intent. Depending on the action, he would pretend to be oblivious or he would respond with anger/irritation. It seems the more direct the seduction was, the harsher the response. He did not want to be suduced so he responded with irritation. I could touch him and he’d brush my hand away and tell me emphatically to stop.

            • @Amy – libl had done an excellent job addressing this.
              Lori and I have been married 31 years. We talk openly and she understands “male” very well. Still, and I can think of a couple times in the last year when I thought she was initiating but she was not. Because of the dynamics of our relationship, this is a non-issue. However, if I’d been fussed at or refused many times for thinking she was initiating when she was not I’d have learned to ignore anything other than directly asking or removing my clothes.
              Paul Byerly recently posted…Purse GiftsMy Profile

              • Just to square the circle – I don’t generally wander around the house in nothing but my unmentionables, though I do sometimes sleep in nothing but a bra/panties.

                But I have never, not once, told my husband no to sex, so there’s no “once bitten, twice shy,” with me at least. And when I greeted him at the door, I said, “Surprise!” and he said, “What are you wearing?” And then walked around me and sat down to watch TV and didn’t make eye contact.

                Honestly, I assumed he knew what I was wearing and why, but maybe he didn’t get the hint?

                • This is exactly what I was saying! And honestly my first response was being a little silly because Paul’s reply made me chuckle — “If you ever wear just panties and bra when you are not looking for sex then he has no way of knowing what’s up.” How many of us women wear a bra and panties when we are not being sexual per se?? Probably most of us. But I would assume most women, at least I don’t, walk around the house like that all the time. LOL

                  If you were just grabbing something out of the dryer when your hubby walked in from work and you had on nothing but your bra and panties then no, he probably would not have just assumed you were being seductive and wanting to make love. But if you are greeting him at the door wearing only that, and saying, “surprise!” come on, it’s pretty obvious.
                  Amy recently posted…A book reviewMy Profile

                • @Amy – I guess there ae two things I want to get across:
                  1) Most women regularly do things men see as sexual that the woman does not see as sexual. This figure out not all sexual displays are invitations, but we have no idea how to tell what is and what is not.
                  2) Most of us are terrified of getting it wrong. And that may have nothing to do with our wife.
                  Paul Byerly recently posted…Equality is a LieMy Profile

                • I do get it, Paul, really I do! We women usually wear underwear and not just on the days we’re feeling sexual or wanting sex per se. So I do get it.

                  If my hubby walked in the door after a long day of work and I just happened to be walking by in my bra and panties because I was pulling a clean top out of the dryer he would do his usual whistle at me, give me a huge hug and kiss, but not necessarily think I was initiating sex. IF I were standing there in front of the door in my bra and panties when he walked in and perhaps yelled, “surprise” like sunny-dee said she did for her husband, totally different story. He may not be in the mood right then and there for sex after a long day of work, but it would be pretty obvious what I’m up to since I don’t normally walk around in my underwear. ;)

                  So, I still say your response above made me LOL!!
                  If you walk into the bedroom and your spouse is in their underwear then chances are they are simply getting dressed and not initiating sex unless they are laying seductively across the bed! LOL
                  If your spouse is standing in the laundry in their underwear then likely they are not initiating sex but getting some clean clothes.
                  BUT if your spouse is standing in front of you in only their underwear when you walk in the door, and it’s out of the ordinary for them to be just walking around in their underwear, then it’s pretty obvious what is up.
                  And for sunny-dee’s husband to respond how he did and just walk past her is really just plan rude. At least I know my hubby would not ignore me, maybe he wouldn’t want sex right then or until the next day because he would be exhausted from work, but he would at least let me know he saw me.

                  I’m also afraid of getting it wrong and try my hardest to only ask for sex when I feel the odds are pretty good it’s going to happen, which unfortunately is not very often because of my husband’s odd work hours. And since I’m the one usually turned down and it’s my hubby who pretty dictates when sex will happen, it is hard for me to be really blunt about wanting sex. But as far as what constitutes initiating, I still hold to the fact that if your spouse, husband or wife, are greeting you at the door when you walk in that is definitely a telling sign they are interested and hope you are too. ;)
                  Amy recently posted…A book reviewMy Profile

  4. Asking, “Do you want to have sex?” doesn’t work either. Timing doesn’t matter. This is what I did wrong during our sexlessness. The answer was always maybe later, which always meant no. He thought he was making it better by saying maybe. He was wrong. That was so much worse when he had no intention of honoring it. Even though I knew it really meant no, saying maybe led to false hope that this time would be different. His attempt to make the rejection less painful actually made it much more painful.

  5. I’m looking forward to the next part. I’m 35 weeks pregnant with baby #2, and sex is awkward, for sure. It wasn’t like this with baby #1. But I also wasn’t dealing with a lot of the same things (normal edema in feet and hands, weird angle issues). I don’t feel very sexy right now, and Hubby acknowledged he’s not feeling it either. Anyway, We’ve got 5 weeks of pregnancy left, and 6 weeks of postpartum to deal with, so we are trying to be intentional. But its not enough for either of us!

  6. Hi Paul, I’ve been thinking about this post for days. I’m a woman and I could argue several of these points.
    1. Hints, or not getting hints. I have to disagree. There have been times when I have sent my husband every obvious hint in the world, and he “missed” them? I don’t buy it. Oh he’d claim, “I didn’t know you were in the mood” – but we both know that’s a big, fat excuse. A way to reject me without feeling badly about hurting me on such a personal level. Just claim you don’t “get the hint.” And he never feels badly about missing the hint. A man who actually loves his wife would regret not paying enough attention to see she’s wanting him. My husband is far too discerning in too many other areas for me to believe he doesn’t pick up on hints.
    3. Initiating. Not gonna do it. I used to initiate ALL THE TIME. I initiated 90% of our sexual encounters. I didn’t know it was wrong until I started reading marriage blogs. Once I understood that the woman initiating is supposed to be a “treat” – not the norm – I backed off. Since he didn’t become the initiator, that is proof that he was just having “pity sex” with me. Once I learned that men who are attracted to their wives initiate most of the time, I realized my husband does not feel attraction for me. That hurt a lot. So no, I’m not going to initiate again because I feel terrible that he was having “pity sex” all those years with a woman he has to pretend to be attracted to. No thanks.
    7. Assumptions about erections. There have been many times I have come on to my husband, or even been naked, where he has not gotten an erection. Again, I attribute this to his lack of interest in me. And his repulsion at my body. He would say that’s not true, but I guarantee you if a swimsuit model walked in naked, he’d notice and react. I just don’t get his motor running unless his eyes are closed. When I realize I’m not “doing it for him” I back off. I don’t want him to feel like he has to try. I only want him to be with me if HE WANTS to be with me, not to fulfill some stupid obligation. I also know I’m not his type. His eyes never light up when he sees me the way they do when he sees a woman who is his type. I have also noticed he often gets erections in his sleep. This indicates he is having erotic dreams about the women who are his type, and that is painful. I honestly don’t know why he constantly says he loves me when we both know I am not desireable in his eyes. It’s crazy frustrating.
    8. Feeling you don’t deserve sex. Yes, this one I’d agree with. I know I’m not pretty enough to be desired by my husband, or to deserve sex with such a good man. My body is almost 40 and has had a couple kids. No matter how much I work out, I’m never gonna be a cover girl, or sexy enough to be worthy of his desire. I hate, hate, hate the fact that he only has sex with me because he’s “supposed” to – and usually with his eyes closed (which I read on another blog means he has to think about other women to enjoy sex with me). Do you know how painful that is, to read about all the other men who love and desire their wives, no matter what they look like, all the while knowing my husband has to force himself to even be near me? I married too well, too far “above” myself. Deep inside I dream about knowing what it would be like to be honestly desired by the man I love. Why he ever married a tall blonde when short brunettes is what he longs for is far beyond me.

    • @B –
      1) Maybe he got the hint, maybe not. Either way, the solution is to not hint. If you want, it ask. Take the risk, and make him say no if he’s not into it.
      3) I talk to men who say the same. They initiate 100% of the time and get tired of it. So they go a month without sex to “prove” she won’t ask. Sure, it’s nice to be asked, but if asking gets you what you want, then ask. And if you don’t ask, don’t be upset about the lack of sex. I find a lot of your assumptions less than accurate on this. It’s forcing every man and every woman to be the same, and that’s not how God made us. You have reduced the amount of sex in your marriage, and that’s bad for you, for hubby, and for your marriage.
      7) It’s normal for men AND WOMEN to not get physically aroused super fast with a partner they know. This means nothing about how we feel about the person, it’s a function of how God made us.
      Yes, seeing another woman naked would probably get him erect – but not for the reasons you think. Seeing another man naked would also have more of an effect on you than seeing your husband naked, but you don’t get erections so you can deny that reality to yourself.
      As to sleep erections, they happen with ALL DREAMS, regardless of what he’s dreaming about. Happened to babies, little boys, teens, middle age men, and old men.
      8. If I was your husband, I’d be pretty upset about being called a liar day in and day out.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Purse GiftsMy Profile

      • Ok. I’ll give you number one.

        Number three, well, you might have a point. I’d rather be desired then have to beg. But, maybe I should reconsider, at least some of the time. I’ve just read so many articles that say “Ladies your husband wants you to initiate,” and that makes me feel like a heel for being that one woman who isn’t pursued but has to ask. But again, I’ll think on your point.

        Number seven, ouch! Yes seeing another woman naked would probably get him erect? Ouch again! I know I’m not a supermodel, but it’s hard to hear the truth of “yeah, you’re too ugly to turn on your own husband, but another woman could do it in a heart beat.” Ouch! But okay. I’d rather know the truth. I just don’t understand why men get married if they aren’t attracted to their own wives and would prefer to look at other naked women. I wasn’t even thinking that, but okay.

        Number eight – I have never called my husband a liar, so I’ve no idea where that came from.

        • @B – What you missed on #7 is the same is true for you – and for every other man and women in the world.

          As to lying, you tell us all the things he says to you which you know are not true. By your account he lies to you right and left.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Purse GiftsMy Profile

          • This honestly perplexes me. You are not the first person to say I’ve called my husband a liar when I have NEVER said “you’re a liar.” I know he doesn’t mean the things he says, based on his actions. To me, actions speak FAR louder than words. He can say whatever he wants in order to spare my feelings, or because he thinks it’s what he is supposed to say. But his actions do not back up his words. That is how I know he is only trying to spare my feelings.

            I don’t think he lies, he just says what he thinks will make me feel better. From all I’ve read here and on other blogs, men who really love their wives have a much higher sex drive, even when their wives are refusers. I am very sex positive, but my husband has never been as interested in having sex with me as the men on these blogs seem to be with their wives. I’ve learned to accept I’m just not as appealing or loveable as most other women. It’s painful, but I’m learning to deal with it. I have to learn to find my worth in Christ, and to accept who God made me to be.

            But I digress. The lying thing confuses me. I don’t get where people get that from when I’ve never said that.

            • @B – Saying something that’s not true is lying, regardless of why you do it. Beyond that, I regularly hear from men who are frustrated or hurt their wife does not believe them when they express love, admiration, or say they like how she looks. To a man, they feel accused of lying, and it hurts.
              As for the rest, please stop assuming your husband is or should be like someone has said he is or should be. We are all individuals and we all act and react in unique ways. Expecting him to be like “most men” is sure to end badly for both of you, and assuming his actions mean what they would mean if done by “most men” is even more disastrous.
              I know men who would gladly have AND ENJOY sex every day and three times on Saturday who will go two weeks without before they initiate. There are various reasons for this, but none of them are doing it because they don’t like or are not aroused by their wife.
              And a word on mercy sex – you know it’s mercy sex when it’s happening. You can’t be on the receiving end of mercy sex for years and no know it.
              I don’t know your husband, and I have no idea what he does what he does. However, to judge him based on what some blog says is a bad plan. The blog may or may not be accurate for most men, but it very much could be wrong about your man.
              Paul Byerly recently posted…Share the Last HourMy Profile

  7. I’m with sunny-dee. Being met at the door with minimal cover and “Surprise!” isn’t subtle. I’d like it, and my wife issn’t a refuser. Walking around her and choosing couch and television without an appropriate response was rude, ego-damaging, and very unwise. Sunny-dee’s husband is a blessed man and doesn’t have the sense to recognize it. An open mind and a willing heart would do wonders for these refusers. If you love someone you want to make them happy. I am a huge believer in CHEERFULLY trying to please. He could have said, “Look, sunny, I need a few minutes to unwind, but if you’ll help me along, I’m more than willing.” Love is not an emotion; it is action; and mood is not prerequisite. Willingness and a desire to please would go a long way in these matters.

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