Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 3

So this is supposed to be the post that tells sex-starved women how to get their husband to have more sex. Pray for me ladies!

You do have an advantage over men in the reverse situation. Aside from significant hormonal or emotional issues, most men can be aroused even if they don’t want to be. Some will react to that with anger, but many will allow it to go to its logical conclusion.

Woman pulling down man's pants © oneinchpunch | stock.adobe.com

The woman in the picture is doing it right. No hints, no asking, she’s just going for it. Of course, you have to choose your time well if you want positive results. Making him horny when he’s too tired to want to have sex is just rude. Likewise for when he’s in the middle of something he can’t or doesn’t want to interrupt. As I said last week, morning is your best bet hormonally because his testosterone is at it’s highest. Make moves on him every Saturday morning, or whatever morning he’s not working. Make him erect or find him erect and suggest you do something with/about it.

Another key here is small steps. Be in this for the long haul. Getting him to enjoy sex is a good way to increase the odds of him being willing to have sex. This can create a tricky balance between making it good for him and getting what you want and need. Giving him oral to climax is all well and good for him, but if he figures that’s it and leaves you high and dry that’s a problem. Some degree of frustration for you as a part of getting him more into sex might be wise, but you don’t want to turn him into a selfish lover either.

One option here is to take care of yourself – with him there. Most men find this very arousing, so it could be part of the sex act. Get him going, then switch to yourself, then finish him. I know it’s not what you want, but if it helps him move in the right direction it could be a good plan for a season. After doing that a few times ask him to lend a hand when you turn to yourself.

Another good plan is to take the reins during intercourse. BE.ON.TOP. Most men enjoy this for a variety of reasons. It’s less work for them and most men last longer this way. What’s more, if you’re naked and the lights are on the view is nice. This is also the best way for most women to climax. (Hint: Don’t move up and down on his penis, move against his body, stimulating yourself on the shaft and/or his pubic bone. This is better for you and will slow him down.)

Speaking of nudity, the vast majority of men like seeing their wife nude. This is true no matter how many kids she’s had, how much weight she’s put on, how many wrinkles she has, and on and on. Yes, I know you think your husband is the exception. The thing is most women think their husband is the exception and the majority can’t be the exception. Yes, I know he said something you took as he doesn’t like how you look or you don’t turn him on. The vast majority of the time when this is voiced the man either has no recollection of saying it or he wonders how his wife got what she thinks from what he actually said. Unless he has told you, in just so many words, to stay covered up during sex, you can assume he enjoys your naked body.

I said last week not to make assumptions about erections. However, if you do something that causes him an erection, you can safely assume you have aroused him at least somewhat. He may deny this to himself, and thus to you, but you’ve had an effect. If he’s desperate to avoid sex for some reason (control is a big one) causing him an erection may make him mad. If this happens regularly you know the problem is not about his sex drive or your ability to arouse him. Odds are it’s about some internal fear or shame and has little or nothing to do with you.

Making sex feel really good for him improves your odds of having sex more often. A woman with a bit of skill can make a man feel far better than he can ever make himself feel. One way to make him feel great is to draw sex out. The longer he’s highly aroused the better his climax feels. Getting really close a few times before finishing is something most men enjoy greatly. This is why my do him, stop and do yourself, and then finish him advice at the top of this post can work well. There are a few possible reasons a man can’t enjoying this:

  1. He might be tired or in a hurry. (Solution: Pick your time well.)
  2. He might be a control freak. (Solution: Give him control. Say “You’re getting close, should I finish or prolong it?)
  3. He might have taught himself bad habits during masturbation.  (Solution: Ask him if you can drag it out because you’re curious.) 

When you do have sex, avoid any kind of negative post sex interactions. Sometimes sexually refused folks hold back on problems or frustrations out of fear it will reduce the chances of having sex. Then with sex accomplished they dump whatever. It might be right after sex or the next day, but if it’s a consistent habit he will become aware of it at least subconsciously. If sex means getting dumped on soon it’s one more reason to avoid sex.

Finally, a few words on masturbation. Lori and I can find nothing in the Bible about this, and we don’t feel qualified to call it wrong if God didn’t. Of course, porn and sinful fantasies are wrong, but those are sin apart from masturbation. If it keeps you from working to have sex with your hubby it’s a problem, but if it keeps you from hating him or chewing on the furniture it can be a good thing. If you find it necessary, I suggest you tell him you do it, while thinking of him, but would much rather have sex with him. Ask him if he wants the right of first refusal. You never know what might happen if you say, “I’m going to go have an orgasm, I’d like you to be involved or come watch.”

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I pray you get more sex!

Related Article: How to Turn On A Sexually Indifferent Husband | The Marriage Bed – This is an article Lori and I wrote about this situation. It goes into far more detail. You will know much of it won’t work with your husband, but all you have to do is find a few things that will work.


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14 Comments on “Her Guide to Getting More Sex Part 3

  1. I was the most ignorant and naive woman when I married, but according to my husband and my own observation, I have become super-lover (to him, at least), and I love this. His ‘thing’, something I thought was gross and disgusting before marriage, I have come to love, and both at morning when we wake up and at night before we go to sleep, I like to hold and touch it. I asked him just yesterday if maybe he wishes I would just leave him alone sometimes – because, seriously, I don’t think I’d like it if the situation were reversed. I’ll bet you can imagine his reaction.

  2. Paul, this is a well written article with solid advice. From someone who has lived it, most of this advice did not apply to my situation. The reason is something you stated in the article but didn’t elaborate on. “Aside from significant hormonal or emotional issues, most men can be aroused even if they don’t want to be. Some will react to that with anger, but many will allow it to go to its logical conclusion.”

    I think there are 2 primary situations. Men who want to have sex, but aren’t initiating or responding as much as their wife would like and men who have made up their minds not to have sex for some reason. If a husband responds in anger to the tips you give here, it’s probably a sign he’s in the group who has made up his mind not to have sex. Therefore, any actions of seduction will cause him to react in anger as a way of controlling the situation. If that’s the case, the wife needs to recognize this. It will help her know how to respond and she needs to try to figure out what is causing him to feel this way. However, knowing the reason, doesn’t mean an easy solution. Believe me, I know!

    Here’s what didn’t work for me. And know, I NEVER hinted! Any initiation on my part was either extremely overt or a direct ask.
    —Any type of seduction. (He didn’t want to be seduced, so the response was anger.)
    —Touching his penis.
    —Asking, “Do you want to have sex?”. (Of course, the answer was no. He was avoiding sex.)
    —Any of the tips you mentioned in this article.

    Here’s what did work for me. Unfortunately, it took me WAY TOO LONG to figure it out! I’m not sure if these things would work for others, but thought some in similar situations might be interested.
    —Saying something like, “I’m going to take a shower, and I want you to join me.” or “I’m going to bed, and I want to you to come with me.”
    —Joining him in the shower after he was already there. (I can see where this would make some men mad, but it usually worked with my husband. For some reason, he liked taking showers together. I think it was because we could fool around in the shower without it always leading to PIV sex. However, it did lead there most of the time.)
    —Telling him afterwards how sex made me feel physically. In other words, what it physically did to my body. (This is what finally led to our breakthrough. It was the first step of our journey towards healing our sex life. This may not work for every situation, but it was exactly what my husband needed to hear.)

    The one thing I never tried was your suggestion of masturbating in front of him. I was terrified he’d be angry if he knew I masturbated. How crazy was that?! He refused me sex every day, but I was afraid to let him know I masturbated because I felt it was a sin. So, I very much appreciate your comments on masturbation. I’m not sure if it would have worked in my situation, but I wish I hadn’t lived so long believing I was sinning and worrying about his reaction.

    • I was told to masturbate in front of my husband. It was supposed to turn him on and make him jealous to give me the pleasure rather than letting me do it to myself all the time. I reluctantly tried it and soon realized my instinct was right. He just used it as an excuse to not bother with me at all. I’m fact he encouraged me to do so and leave him alone.

      Even now, the main reason we have sex much more frequently is because I masturbate during PIV. He won’t give me pleasure by his own efforts or means. So, my masturbating has only enabled the problem.

    • @K – Some of what I suggested is intended to provoke a reaction. Any reaction teaches us something. Avoidance keeps the peace, but it won’t lead to healing.
      Thanks for the other ideas. The more ideas, the more likely it is something will help.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: All in the Mind?My Profile

      • @libl – Well you did learn something. Sadly it’s not something you wanted to know.
        I’m sorry your hubby has no desire to make sex pleasurable for you. This is true of a minority of men, and I don’t know if or how to change those who feel this way.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: All in the Mind?My Profile

  3. I don’t even feel ok with applying lubricant, let alone m. in front of my husband.

  4. Disclaimer — this is purely my reaction to something in your article, and I do not intend in any way to put words into your mouth. Also a trigger warning that my comment could lead into some dark areas (like assault).

    Paul said: “The woman in the picture is doing it right. No hints, no asking, she’s just going for it.” Perhaps it is timing and other things, but where this intersects with the current dialog around “positive consent” and sexual assault really triggers a lot of discomfort for me. Again, this is my reaction, and I don’t want to suggest or imply that this is your intention. Some of it could be the “stereotype” that men cannot be vicitims of sexual assault or that women cannot perpetrate sexual assualt. I guess one of my first reactions to this particular statement is, turn the genders around and put it in the right context and “just go for it” is going to sound an awful lot like assault and not seduction. A third time, I am not accusing you of advocating assault, but this is my reaction.

    For me, this whole thing has triggered a lot of thought, struggle, and consternation around the ideas of seduction, consent, and how that all applies to me and my marriage bed. I can accept if you don’t want to highjack this discussion thread, nor do I claim to have any answers. A few questions that I struggle with, if you have any inputs, they would be welcome:
    1) When does “just go for it” or similar strategies go from “seduction strategies” to “assault”?
    2) What does consent look like in the marriage bed? There is the “no means no” standard and the “yes means yes” standard, but what does the middle look like in marriage? I have seen some advocating for the “yes means yes” standard who, even applying it to marriage, point out that sex is always better when you hold out until you get an enthusiastic yes. While I naturally agree with them, it feels very problematic when you cannot remember the last time your spouse gave an enthusiastic yes and/or you have little or no hope of ever getting another enthusiastic yes.
    3) Some of this leads me into another topic that we seem to struggle to put together with sex and that is “obligation”. If I am the lower desire spouse, do I have an obligation to find that “enthusiastic yes” inside of me so that I can give it? What does that obligation look like?

    Sorry to dump on your blog like that. As I say, I can appreciate that you may not want to comment on these, or may want some time to think them through, but if you or your readers have any thoughts, I would be open to them.

    • @MrShorty – I would hope most couples are way past having to ask permission each step of the way (something advocated by some colleges – “May I unbutton your shirt?” “May I remove your bra?” “May I touch your breast?).
      If either spouse does not feel free to initiate by touching I think there are significant problems and they likely go beyond sex. Of course, if the receiving spouse indicates no, that should be that.
      I’ve heard plenty of women and more than a couple of men say they just went along and then ended up very glad they did.
      #3 is difficult indeed. The issue is why. Is it you or your spouse? Is it physical or hormonal? There are a lot of variables.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: All in the Mind?My Profile

  5. It is curious why we have such problems from this area of our marriage? Married couples engage each other in sexual activity and yet we attach such trauma to such a wondrous God given activity.

    Paul, I appreciate your thoughts here. It is refreshing to read “The woman in the picture is doing it right. No hints, no asking, she’s just going for it.” because so many women feel this would be almost obscene. Of course, we men covet these actions from our wife.

    It took us a long time to get past the negative emotions for our sex life based on our up-bringing, to have genuine conversations about our individual needs.

    We can now discuss what each one wants without embarrassment. Yes, even after 42 years together, it is still fun!
    Jerry Stumpf recently posted…3 magnetic moves to secure a pleasurable, healthy and thriving second marriageMy Profile

    • @Jerry: I think the most intriguing thing about this series from Paul is that it is directed at women whose husband’s do not “covet these actions”. In fact, if K’s anecdote (and maybe libl’s) are accurate, her husband not only does not covet such actions, but such behavior is met with anger and rejection. Sure our standard male-female stereotypes suggest that men enjoy this kind of behavior. The trouble with stereotypes is that they do not describe every man or woman or marriage.

      That said, I agree with you that it is good to see women given “permission” (can’t think of a better word right now) to be sexually agressive. Much of our dialog and stereotypes and such (both in and out of the church) have given us the impression that women are inherently asexual (or maybe demisexual) and that “good girls” (madonnas) don’t do such unladylike (whorish) things. I sometimes think that the best thing we can do in the church is to teach that women can be just as sexual as men and that that is good, and maybe break down some of these stereotypes.

      • @MrShorty – Some men who resist sex do covet this kind of direct approach. Not all men who refuse are low sex drive or opposed to sex, Some have other issues going, and a wife being clear about what she wants can help some men past thier issues.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…More Powerful Than A Blog or BookMy Profile

  6. Strange as it may seem to any man with a healthy desire for sex, I would bet the farm that most of these refusing males have some sort of psychological issue. We’re not talking mental illness. One possibility is anger. Ladies, your man may have very deep-seated bitterness (long-term anger). Many women unconsciously have angered their husbands by a lack of respect (Ephesians 5–and the Bible doesn’t say that he has to earn your respect any more than it says that you have to earn his love). Respect is not an emotion or a way of thinking, it is action. TREAT your husband with respect. This is only one of many possible reasons. I would suggest that you feed him a nice meal and then ask to have a little talk. Now, here is how you talk to a man. (If you want him to talk, then you have to do it his way). Sit on the couch side by side–do not face him. Do not look into his eyes. As a woman this may seem weirder than weird, but it is probably the only way that he will talk to you. Ask him, “Are you mad at me?” Then ask “Why?”

    There are other issues that may be at the root of the problem, but anger (bitterness) is the “odds-on” favorite. Then be willing to make it right, both in word and in change of behavior. If you get a different answer than anger, be willing to deal with it.

    • @Charlie O – What’s going on in his head can certainly interfere with sex. Most of the time it has something to do with his wife, but it can also be worry or stress. This kind of things creeps up on a guy – when he is younger his raw drive is enough to push it aside. As he gets older he can’t push it back and he starts to avoid sex. If he still has a decent sex drive he may turn to masturbation (with or without porn). He’s not avoiding sex because he’s doing it himself, he’s doing it himself because he’s avoiding sex. But of course doing it himself makes it easier to not do it with his wife.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…The Why of Things: KindnessMy Profile

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