Last month, in So Many Sex Lies, I said, “If you want a good marriage, you must be honest with your guy.”

But the more I think about it, the more I realise it’s not really the secrets that are the problem. The real problem is having a relationship that allows or even fosters secrets. Secrets are a result of not having a deep, intimate relationship build on mutual trust. We keep secrets because we fear what the other person will think of us or what they might do if they knew the truth. We hide because we are ashamed and don’t expect the other person to see us better than we see ourselves. Or we keep secrets because it gives us a sense of power. Whatever the reason for keeping secrets from our spouse, it signals a problem in the marriage.

If you keep secrets from your husband, ask yourself why. If you lay the blame at his feet, please examine that carefully. Would he really hurt you in some way if he knew, or is that an excuse to keep things from him? Or maybe the problem is you do things you shouldn’t be doing in the first place!

I do realise some men are not to be trusted. If this is the situation then you need to get into couple’s therapy ASAP. If you keep secrets because you feel your husband isn’t safe you need to get help for yourself even sooner! If neither of these is the case, then what do you need to do to make a change?

~ Paul – I’m XY and I keep secrets with, not from, my wife.

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