Imagine your daughter is anorexic, or you suspect she is. Would you punish her for not eating? Would you tell her she must leave the bathroom door open so you can make sure she’s not throwing up? What if you found out your son was cutting himself? Would you tell him he was grounded until he stopped? Would you demand to check his body for new cuts every day?

Shame, punishment, and violations of privacy wouldn’t help in these situations; in fact, they would make things worse. The behaviours in question are ways of coping with pain or not feeling in control. So adding pain and removing control only makes the situation worse.

I’m going to suggest that for many men porn use is far closer to cutting and anorexia than you think. They may enjoy it in the moment, but it’s really about coping with their pain, loneliness, sense of failure, or some other negative feeling or feelings. The sexual part of porn is not the point or the goal. Porn use is hijacking a man’s God-given sexuality to sooth pain, feel powerful, or just numb out.

I’m not saying this to get your husband off the hook. Looking at porn is wrong; it’s a sin against you, God, and his own sexuality. But beyond that, catching him looking at porn is more like catching him cutting himself than catching him in bed with another woman. Adultery is a simple sin compared to porn use. Adultery is about selfishness and lack of self-control; porn use is a complex issue that often includes self-loathing, self-destructive thinking and other negative things. 

I’m not suggesting his porn use shouldn’t matter to you or shouldn’t hurt you. But I do hope you can see past that; see the bigger picture of his pain and struggle. Curiosity and lust are what get a man into porn, but it’s not what keeps him enslaved. Just like anorexia or self-cutting, porn has the power to make a helpless person feel they have control. It’s a destructive but sure way to feel better for a while, and that’s why men keep doing it.

Another part of this is that a man’s porn use is not about his wife. Men who get all the sex they could want look at porn. Men having sex with porn actresses look at porn. The triggers for porn use have nothing to do with a man’s wife or his sexual satisfaction. I know plenty of men who say more sex would help them look at porn less, but the majority of them are wrong. I’ve talked to plenty of men who thought getting married would end their struggle with porn, but I’ve yet to find one who found this to be true. If sex is not the primary trigger, no amount of sex will cause porn to lose its draw.

If your husband is using porn, your very natural reaction to that is just adding to his reasons to use porn. I’m not a woman, so I can’t imagine what it would take to react differently, but I do know it would make a huge difference for most men.

The disclaimer: Some men don’t care. They see nothing wrong with porn so they don’t even try to avoid it. They’re almost certainly using it for the reasons I’ve discussed here, but since they don’t want to stop their wife’s attitude is irrelevant. 

~ Paul, I’m XY and I hate what porn does to men, women, and marriages.

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