You and Me and Penis Makes 3

This question is the result of an email from one of you. Her husband is the only man she’s seen naked, but from what she’s read she thinks he’s fairly well endowed. Her husband says he’s not concerned about his size, but when the wife comments on it being large he’s obviously pleased. The question was how concerned are men with the size of their penis; I’m going to cover a slightly wider issue that includes feelings about size.

You and Me and Penis Makes 3

I don’t think any woman has the same relationship with any part of her sexual parts that a man has with his penis. If your first thought reading that was “I don’t have a relationship with my body parts” you have found the real issue. While relationship might be a bit too strong a word, most men do personify their penis to some degree. This is especially true at younger ages.

We knew our penis was something special even before we knew what it was for and what it could do. We figured out it could make us feel good long before puberty, and our orgasm took it to a completely new level. Most men put their sex drive/desire on their penis, and many look at it almost as a separate entity demanding to be “fed”. Some of this is probably wanting to separate ourselves from responsibility (it wasn’t me, my penis made me do it) and some of it comes from the reality we don’t have nearly as much control over it as we would like.

All of this leads to men putting way too much of their sense of masculinity on their penis. This is why size becomes such a big deal to most men. 

Even if a man knows better in his mind, odds are he still wants his wife to be impressed with his penis. Not just “I like it”, he wants you to be impressed. If complimenting him on his size feels odd or untrue, find other things to compliment. How hard he gets, how fast he gets erect, how long he lasts, that he stays erect till you’re done, or how much he ejaculates (yes really; it’s weird, but a lot of guys care about that).

As always men are not all the same; some men take this to an extreme while others have left much of it behind. But most men feel this to some degree.

Bottom line: He has more riding on his penis than you have on any of your sexual parts. If you think that’s silly please keep it to yourself! 

~ Paul – I’m XY and the title of this post is almost or not quite a joke. 


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53 Comments on “You and Me and Penis Makes 3

  1. Um… you didn’t get into the whole “christening” thing. You hint at it in your title, but you never actually discuss how we name the guy. :)

    Also, “more riding on his penis”? You’re just trolling, now. :)
    CSL recently posted…“It’s Y’ALL’S Sex Life”My Profile

    • @CSL – I always figured a guy should wait and let his wife name it, but I know not all do. Some are funny, some are creepy, and then there are they guys who name it Doug or Bill or some other proper name.
      As for the pun, I actually missed it till you said something!
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Growing Up Is All The RageMy Profile

  2. Yes, the first time my husband asked me to “talk to him”, I laughed out loud before awkwardly saying, “So, Penis, how was your day? Any erections today?” My husband claimed I totally killed his mood, but I thought that was what he wanted me to do.

  3. Well… Arm obeys me. If I want Arm up, Arm goes up. If I want Arm down, Arm goes down. If I don’t think about moving Arm, Arm stays put. Same with Leg, same with Head, same with every other body part. Even Brain obeys me; If I want to think about monkeys I can think about monkeys. If someone says “Don’t think about monkeys” I can think about pink elephants or whatever. Only one part really seems to have a mind of its own – and goes up (especially in socially awkward situations) or down (there are lots of those commercials) whenever it dang well pleases.

    When I walk through a store, there is not a constant foreign brain-interrupting train-of-thought derailing URGENT READ NOW stream-of-consciousness chatter from Arm “Oh look! Merchandise! We could steal some of it? Maybe? Could we at least fantasize about stealing it? We could think about stealing it and no-one would ever know. What about that cup, it has such niiiice handles, don’t you want to think about how that cup would feel even though you aren’t shopping for cups? Maybe we could think about stealing it later? Wow look at that shirt, do you want to picture it without the tag? I can get ready to grab it for you right now….” that I must actively and constantly fight to suppress/redirect/bring under my control (both the temptation to do, and the temptation to think about it).

    Having Penis around is like going grocery shopping with a large, untrained dog chained to the shopping cart, with the rules 1) Get all your shopping done, on time 2) Don’t let the dog ruin or touch anything.

    • @wynd’s comment is a huge reason why I do not believe my husband could possibly love me or be attracted to me. If men cannot stop thinking these thoughts, wanting to fantasize, etc. – WHY do they even get married? Why not just stay single, (and in my case) save your wife the pain of knowing she can’t compete and will never be enough, and just do whatever you want? Why get “tied down” and then try to convince the woman you claim to love that she’s special to you, when comments like this reassure her that every time you are out you are more attracted to all the other “merchandise”.

      Whatever small amount of sexual confidence my husband and I were rekindling has just been destroyed by this comment. Yes the truth hurts, but I guess I should say thank you to opening my eyes even further. I just don’t understand how any man can be so desperate to stare at and sample (or dream about sampling) all the other “merchandise”, and then claim to love just one woman. It just seems like a big lie. How can he possibly be attracted to me if he’s so interested in looking at and thinking about the next best thing?

      And why would I want to ever again interact with an “arm” that you are telling my is constantly pulling his heart away from me? If it’s the driving force behind this temptation and nearly uncontrollable urge to be pulled to something better, then no thank you. I can certainly learn to do without it. There is no way he can feel this way and then claim he loves me truly. No way whatsoever.


      • You assume that the struggle implies failure, and it does not. Imagine being a parent to a whining toddler – you don’t give in to every (or any, or most) whining (“BUT I WANT A ….”). Giving in to a toddler (or not giving in to the toddler) makes the whining worse; however, not giving in to the toddler doesn’t make the whining stop either.

        I am a Christian; I love my wife. Because of these things I make every effort not to fantasize about other women or even look so that I can focus more on my wife. This means “bouncing my eyes” and looking at the ground or the sky or something else. This means being very intentional about what I see, where I go, and what I think about because I want to obey Christ. This means being intentional not to imagine other women naked. This means deliberately not fantasizing because I love my wife.

        I have burned myself significantly and can block out the pain mentally. I have injured myself and can block out the pain mentally. I have fasted for three days and can block out the hunger cravings. I have not ever (since puberty) been actually able to “block out” the sex drive in the same way. Most Christian men I know wish the drive had an “off” switch; it doesn’t. My drive is focused on my wife and part of my duties as a Christian are to nurture the fire in this one direction only and extinguish it in any other direction. The commitment I expressed in my wedding vows means that I daily have to put my armor on and fight the parts of my flesh that struggle against the spirit – but that means a constant battle against letting temptation get a foothold.

        • Wynd is right. It has a mind of its own, often, and sometimes speaks loudly. But I have the ability, and the responsibility, to ignore that voice when necessary. It’s called maturity.

          Also, erections are the body’s way of keeping the plumbing working. Men get erections during sleep, and it is purely physiological, having nothing to do with sexual arousal or sexual dreams. I think that this often happens during waking hours, too. And physical stimulation, such as pants or underwear rubbing a certain way, or internal stimulation, like sitting on my prostate and seminal vesicles during a long meeting or car ride, can trigger an erection. Hormonal spikes during the day. And it’s not just the younguns. I’m 59 and my plumbing reminds me several times a day that it’s there and still working.

          By the way, my wife stole something from Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing and refers to Big Jim and the Twins.

      • @B – I will repeat what I said in the post “As always men are not all the same; some men take this to an extreme while others have left much of it behind.”
        As to why would a person (man or woman) without much drive get married, I don’t think most have any idea how much drive they really have until they are free to express and explore that drive. Having talked with men and women with low drives or no drives, I am convinced most of them had no idea before they got married.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Growing Up Is All The RageMy Profile

        • @Paul, I get that all men are different. Sorta.

          My question wasn’t about why men with a low drive get married. My question was, if men still have these continual lustful thoughts, as wynd mentions above, why do they get tied down? I really don’t understand how my husband can love me, if he’s constantly having thoughts about every woman he sees, constantly struggling with the temptation to look for/lust after someone better.

          @wynd, you might be a great guy and a fantastic man. I just don’t understand – if a man says he loves his wife – how he can still have these thoughts. You mention these thoughts happen each time you walk through a store, in a constant stream-of-consciousness way. I can’t compete with every hot woman in every store every day.

          I have a very hard time receiving love to begin with, and knowing that, from what I’m reading here, my husband is constantly thinking these thoughts about so many other women, is soul crushing and makes me feel worthless. Like I should just leave him and encourage him to go pursue who ever it is he can’t stop thinking about.

          I do not believe men wish the drive had an “off” switch. I do not believe my husband can possibly love me the way I love him. I do not believe I could ever be good enough for my husband. Not if every other woman catches his eye and flips his switch. The whole thing feels hopeless.

          I wonder if husbands even care how much pain this causes the women they claim to love. And men wonder why some wives are reluctant to be seen naked – or don’t believe husbands when they say “you’re beautiful.” I can’t be beautiful if every other woman catches his eye – and apparently holds a higher place in his imagination. The eye catching wouldn’t even bother me, it’s the wondering what they would feel like, wondering what they would look like without the “tag” that you mention that hurts my heart so deeply.

          • B, I think you’re missing the point that this drive is biologically driven. Of course, there is are mental, emotional, and spiritual components of it. But what really happens is my seminal vesicles fill with fluid, as well as my prostate, and my body says “Do something about it!” The sex drive in most men is a physiological phenomenon that with God’s help, we focus on our wives.

            Having said that, because we are fallen men, that doesn’t always happen. Then we need confession, forgiveness, and grace. And we need to grow spiritually so the sexual part of our lives, like every other part, is brought under the control of the Holy Spirit. That would sure be easier if our sex drives had an off switch. Don’t you think people who struggle with obesity wished their hunger drive had an off switch.

            The “off switch” concept doesn’t mean we want to get rid of our sexuality, no more than a glutton wants to shut off hunger signals and starve to death. It just means we wish we could shut it off when appropriate and turn in on when appropriate.

            This is where a healthy sexual relationship between husband and wife helps them both. When my body is yelling at me for release, and I am not able to have sex with my wife, for whatever reason, I’m much more likely to be susceptible to inappropriate cues. My responsibility as a Christian husband is to turn away from sin and flee temptation, but the reality of my body chemistry and my aroused sexual organs are going to make that more difficult. I still need to do it, to “take every thought captive” and not grieve my wife by sinful actions.

            And it helps if a man will explain this to his wife. The problem there is that many women don’t understand that a man’s struggle with this is a real battle for many. But when a man is fighting this temptation, his wife needs to realize that he is fighting for her.

            B, I implore you, please believe you husband when he says he loves you, that he finds you beautiful, and that you hold a special place in his heart.

            And men, I implore you to make this aspect of your sexuality a part of your spiritual discipline. That you will submit it to God and not make excuses for yourself because “that’s the way men are made.” The answer is in the blood of Christ that makes you a new creation, and with the Holy Spirit conforming you each day into the image of Christ.

          • I get junk mail in my mailbox and in my inbox. A quick look in my “spam” folder:
            10% off a new car, credit consolidation, offers for a second mortgage, become a Lyft driver, illegal prescription drugs, offers for millions of dollars if I help a Nigerian prince launder money, offers for a different wireless carrier, people wanting to be my friend, brazilian women, adult friend finder, mastercard offers, new life insurance. Some of these are flagged “Important”. Some use the words “URGENT” in the title. None of these emails are people I know; none of these offers were solicited by me; none of these are things I actually want.

            Fortunately, the computer senses these are spam, puts them in spam folder, culls them after so many days and I never see the titles unless I am digging in the junk drawer for a legit email. I don’t have a “spam filter” for my eyes.

            Mentally, attraction to women in general happens far faster than conscious thought. What happens next is where moral issues apply, because that is where “I” get to make a choice, but what happens FIRST is not. For example, I am at the store getting groceries (intent). A woman walks into my field of view. I get, automatically (without doing anything, ridiculously fast), a complete breakdown of the person in front of me. Hair, figure, clothing, things I personally find attractive circled with a highlighter, recommended actions(almost guaranteed to be inappropriate) shoved onto my mental “executive desk” where “I” make decisions. Up to this point, this is a purely biological reaction, no different from a letter saying “OUCH” from a bee sting; this is mental spam, as distracting as a tap on the shoulder, unwanted (I am married), unasked-for, this hijacking distraction system is that I would certainly put an “off switch” on first.

            Imagine reading something on a website and suddenly a popup appears (an advertisement, etc.). You can not go back to what you were doing (reading the website) without first dealing with the popup – you have to close the popup, or read it, or follow the link — but the unwanted popup now gets in the way of whatever you were doing first. Action is required to get back to what you were doing; now “I” get to make a choice.

            What do I do with this mental piece of mail detailing the physical woman (a person, soul and body, so much more than just the outside, created by God) that is now front and center? Action is required just like a popup on the computer. This becomes the “thought life”. I can go over her details again, which starts the fantasy process (sin). I can play with her mentally (sin). I can start thinking about her like my sex drive recommended (sin). I can mentally throw the letter in the trash / (or close the popup) and consciously look/focus on something else.

            The last choice is the right choice, the one I strive to make, the one that most men who love their wives strive to make, sometimes hundreds of times a day.

  4. @Bobthemusicguy, I like when you answer because you’re good at explaining things.

    However, I think the point of my question/pain is being completely missed. I’m not communicating it effectively.

    I’m not saying anything about the men here, because I don’t know any of you personally. So when I say “men” I’m speaking in general terms.

    Men say they “love their wives”. I understand that there are many attractive women out there who attract attention. I get it. I don’t have issue with that.

    However, I love my husband, and maybe I’m an anomaly, but I don’t get uncontrollably turned on by the men I see while walking through a store. @wynd mentions this is a constant, stream-of-consciousness thing. So to me, the situation feels hopeless. It is obvious that if this is the case, I am not loved, I am not special to him, and I am not enough to satisfy him. Not if he’s uncontrollably constantly searching for something better every time he sees a woman more attractive, more worthy of his attention than me.

    I read all of this before in a popular book written by a “Christian” woman where she gives an example of a “godly” man in a restaurant who says something to the effect of, while he and his friends were out to dinner and having a lovely time with their wives, he could guarantee each man was trying hard not to think about the gorgeous hostess in the tight outfit that showed off her great figure. REALLY? Then why did you take your wife out to dinner? If I rank so far below the hostess, leave me at home. Take her out to dinner and enjoy yourself. Noticing she’s attractive is one thing. Being distracted all through dinner because you can’t stop thinking about her means I mean absolutely nothing. Leave me home next time. And do NOT tell me I’m beautiful or you love me.

    Then @wynd’s comment totally confirms what that author wrote. So WHY DI MEN GET MARRIED? If there wife isn’t special enough that they need to constantly scope out hotter women, what benefit does marriage even have for a man? I hate this whole topic.

    What really stinks is, we’ve been going to counseling and I was FINALLY starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me. These comments prove I was a fool and men, at least my man, in not capable of true, exclusive love. How am I supposed to go out in public with him if I know that he’s secretly wishing he could bed every other woman? And he wonders why I pull away and don’t want to hold his hand. Don’t hold my hand and act like you like me if you’re holding my hand and wondering what the waitress looks like naked. That’s super cruel. Leave me home. You cannot be constantly desiring other women and say you love me. Noticing attractive women, I get it. Getting aroused, giving them a higher place in your heart/mind, leaves no room for me. I don’t want to be at the bottom of my husbands list. I’d rather not be on his list.

    • @B
      Several points I’d like to make.
      1. The fact that men are visual in their sexuality has been addressed many times on this and other blogs. In fact, I think it’s more than visual. For me, at least, my sexuality involves all my physical senses. I want to experience my wife with all of them. I would love for her to be as aroused by my naked body as I am by hers, but I know she’s not made that way. So I approach her in her way, relationally. I know that as we bond that way, her sexual arousal will happen. I’m not trying to broad brush, but I think most women become sexually aroused as they engage in sexual activity, not so much arousal leading to sexual activity.

      2. You are lumping “men” into a group, not only not taking into consideration our individuality, but your own husband’s individuality. If counseling was getting you to the point of accepting that he really loves you, please continue down that road. Don’t lump him into some vague “men are like that” group. Try to trust him when he expresses his love for you.

      3. Having said that, does he say or do things that express the opposite? Does he use pornography? Has he had an affair? Does he explicitly say he’s undressing the waitress in his mind? Does he verbally tell you he finds other women more attractive than you? If he does anything like these things, double down on the counseling. If not, don’t read into him what you’ve read or heard somewhere else, here or anywhere.

      4. Finally, I’ve seen references to this book by this “Christian” women author. I have no idea what book it is or who the author is, but please throw it away and try to purge your mind of what she said. Yes, men are generally visually oriented, but the fact that Christian men are under constant assault in our fallen world has been addressed on this blog at length. Please realize that even though your husband is under the same attack, and he may or may not be handling it well, depending on his spiritual maturity, he is still with you, expressing his love for you above all others. Try to trust him and believe him. If he is fighting this battle, he is fighting for you, the love of his life.

    • @B – You are putting a choice where there is none. It’s not about scoping out women or wanting women we see, it’s a biological response to seeing sexual images.
      I love my wife, and that means I have made a choice to make her my only sexual outlet. I’ve also chosen to make her the only woman I want to be turned on by. So when I am confronted with half nude images or real live people, the physiological reaction is not under my power, but what I do then is. I stand firm, I am not tempted, but my body still does what it does. It is my choice that makes the difference, and that choice is because of my love for my wife. I get the message “something arousing over there” and I look away. It’s that simple.

      The other part of this is the fact women have the same biological response men have. Men AND WOMEN are sexually aroused by sexual images. The difference is men are aware of it while women usually don’t consciously register it. Numerous studies have found that while men’s self-reported level of arousal tracks very well with their physiologically measured arousal, most women give subjective ratings of their arousal that don’t track at all with their actual physiological arousal.
      Because I know something would arouse me, I can choose to turn away. I suspect some women see things that are arousing and don’t look away because they don’t consciously register it.
      The bottom line here is women are not better than men in this, they are just less aware of what it going on in their bodies. Perhaps this is one of those “ignorance is bliss” things, but it could also be a trap. I suspect some affairs happen because a woman doesn’t know she is sexually interested in another man until it’s too late.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Make Times for You 2 the Next 2 WeeksMy Profile

  5. I completely empathize with B’s plight.
    It took me several years to resign myself to the fact that men’s sex drives work this way.
    They have a fixed antenna or radar that seems to be able to pick up the most subtle sexual vibe in a room. It has nothing to do with love, it’s the way they are wired. They are not scoping out hotter women, they are just scoping out. I venture to guess that most women don’t really appreciate this aspect of male sexuality.

    Anyway, my husband gets a pass on shopping this year :)

  6. B, my heart hurts for your pain, and I pray you and your husband can get this resolved. But I feel like you’re missing a lot of Bob’s and Wynd’s points, and possibly not hearing what they’re saying because you’re filtering it through the lens of your own pain. Bob and Wynd, I respect you guys for explaining things the way you do, and for taking those thoughts, urges, and so on captive to Christ. We as women have to do it, too. Maybe not as often as it concerns our sex drive, (though as a high-drive woman, I personally do), but we do have those things. B, maybe here’s an example that would make more sense? I often have negative thoughts aimed at myself, that if I leave unchecked, will effect how I behave, and how I treat everyone around me. The thoughts show up unbidden. I’m bad, don’t deserve love, etc. I can’t control that the thought shows up, but I can control what I do with it after it’s there: whether I set what God says against that negative emotional self-talk that shows up in my mind, or let it reign supreme. Maybe that’s kind of what it’s like for guys and their drive. They may not be able to stop the initial unbidden thought or impulse, but they can make the choice whether they take it captive to Christ or not. We as women tend not to understand this or take it seriously, but we, too, have our own unbidden thoughts and impulses, if we’ll stop and think about them.

  7. Thank you, everyone who replied. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I suppose I just need to accept it is what it is, and that my importance to my husband fluctuates greatly dependant on the attractiveness of other women who are around at the time. This is so sad.

    I exercise, I take care of my appearance, I make an effort to look nice when he comes home. I thought that was the right thing to do. Now I’m learning it simply doesn’t matter. There will always be more attractive women, and as you pointed out, men are bombarded by these images, real and in print, every day. It just makes me sad, and I don’t want him to tell me he loves me or that I’m pretty anymore, because we all know that he can’t possibly feel that way if he has to “remind” himself he loves me whenever a woman he thinks is better than me enters his line of sight.

    I know I need to learn to find my worth in Christ and not in my husband. I suppose I should focus my energies on that.

    • @B “I suppose I just need to accept it is what it is, and that my importance to my husband fluctuates greatly dependant on the attractiveness of other women who are around at the time.”

      I’m thinking you should NOT “accept” that because I don’t think it’s true. I think it’s a lie from the pit of hell that you believe because of so many other lies you have been beaten with during your life.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…When She Matters More, You Matter LessMy Profile

    • @B
      I need to get something straight here. You say your importance to your husband fluctuates. Is that because he has actually said or done things that either state or imply that? Or is it that you are assuming something in his mind that is not actually there, because you have read that “men are like that?” It seems he says he loves you and that you are important to him. If he says that and then says or does things that are contrary to that, shame on him. He needs to repent and ask your forgiveness and get right with you and God. But if you are assuming something without grounds to prove it, then shame on you for calling him a liar, and shame on you for putting yourself down like this. Again, whoever this foolish woman is who wrote this stupid book, THROW IT AWAY AND FORGET ABOUT IT!!! Clear your mind of such drivel, ask your husband to forgive you, ask God to forgive you, forgive yourself, and work on building a marriage based on trust, not on vague generalizations from someone who has no idea what she’s talking about. Reading about the damage this woman, whoever she is, has done makes me sick. How many marriages have been poisoned by this trash? Sorry for the rant, but enough is enough!

      • @Bobthemusicguy, he hasn’t said things, but I believe he has done things that imply that. He would disagree, but he’s not stupid and will avoid saying things that he thinks will hurt my feelings.
        To answer your questions from before, to my knowledge he does not watch porn. He says he doesn’t and I believe him. He is not protective of his phone, and we share a computer that he rarely uses. He does not use a computer at work. He has not had an affair that I know of.
        However, at a low point in his life and our marriage, he spent a great deal of time checking out and even staring at other women in my presence. He’d get mad when I’d tell him how it hurt me. He has since apologized and tried to stop, which I do appreciate. Although I feel bad that he can’t “enjoy himself” while we are out because I am in the way of all the eye candy. I feel like I’m cramping his style. He gets really upset if I apologize for being in the way. I can’t win, even if I try not to care.
        During his excessive checking out phase, is when I started searching for help online, and when I stumbled in that book. I probably read it at the lowest point which was not a good thing. I won’t list the name or the author because I don’t want other women reading it and having their marriages damaged. A lot of people love the book, a lot of bloggers recommend it, but for someone like me, who is insecure, it did a lot more harm than good. I even read a post by the books author wher she said she was at a talk and a man came up to her and told her she had ruined his sex life – that after reading the book his wife became depressed and no longer wanted to have sex with him. The author blew it off and blamed it all on the wife, saying she took it the wrong way. Maybe he author did think she was “helping women understand” – but she should have done some more research, focus group type stuff. Maybe she would have realized that the book could deeply damage women who were already feeling insecure. I don’t know her heart, I just know how her book affected me.

        Anyway, when a beautiful woman enters my husbands line of sight, his eyes light up and he sits up a little straighter. He tries not to look if I’m there, but I can tell it’s a struggle. It’s not the noticing I mind, I mean, he is human. But his eyes never light up when he looks at me. Ever. They never, ever have. I’ve seen him check out plenty of other women, but he has never checked me out, ever. In fact, I’ve never been “checked out” by anyone. I think I would notice. And so, it makes me sad that my husband sees all these other women as check out worthy, but has never noticed a thing about me. So yeah, when he says I’m pretty or even beautiful, I don’t believe it.

        And contrary to what you and other people have said to me, I have never called him a liar. Not believing someone is not the same as accusing them of lying. I don’t think he’s outright “lying” – I think,he just says what he says because it’s what he thinks husbands are “supposed” to say.

        Case in point, he almost never takes me to any work functions. We don’t drink. But a few weeks ago, a professional group that he belongs to was having a social gathering. I have since found out that a couple of his coworkers asked him several times if he was bringing me to the social. He didn’t go, but he never even asked me if I wanted to go. He claims it’s because he doesn’t really like hanging out with his coworkers, especially when they are all drinking. I think the real answer is that he is embarrassed of me and does not want anybody to see us together. He denies this, but what other excuse would make sense?

        So yes, I have simply accepted that he likes me when there is no one better around. The fact that he gets mad at me for pulling away from him whenever a woman he likes better is nearby (both to protect myself and to allow him his space) is all the proof I need. If he truly loved me, he wouldn’t get mad.

        • @B
          Perhaps “liar” was too strong a term, but try to take his words at face value, unless there are actual words or overt actions that contradict them. My wife and I have had this conversation in the past. Before we married, she was often reading into my words and actions things that honestly weren’t there. She brought that into our marriage and it was a source of real conflict for a long time. Even after many years, that was still a nagging doubt in her mind, not because of me but because of how she viewed herself. She lost a great deal of weight and looks great, but she still thought of herself as very overweight. It didn’t matter what I said or did, and it didn’t matter that I thought her beautiful and sexy at her greatest weight. What finally pulled down the wall was when our son got engaged last year. She said that observing him in love with his fiancée finally convinced her that I’ve had the same feelings about her all these many years, and that my words were true when I spoke them.

          Please take your husband’s words as truth. He probably really doesn’t like to socialize with his coworkers. I know I never did. And forget about his eyes lighting up. I really think that because women tend to be good at reading other people intuitively, they get carried away sometimes and start finding ulterior motives and read between the lines and assume things that simply aren’t true. Here’s a little secret: Men are basically fairly simple. We tend to compartmentalize, and we tend to be pretty straightforward in what we say. Unless you have hard evidence to the contrary, try to really believe him. I also found that when my words were not accepted, it was as good as calling me a liar and was very disrespectful of me as a man.

          As far as assuming that he says what he says because husbands are supposed to say that, you are really treating him as a representative of a group, rather than as an individual man. Please stop trying to read things into what he says and does. (I think that he thinks that she thinks that they think that we think . . . You get the picture.)

          Does your husband tell you he finds you attractive? Does he respond sexually to you? If so, I can guarantee that it’s not just his body talking and responding. Yes, men desire sex. But a godly man desires his wife sexually. Sex is not a drive that can be satisfied by just anything. If I’m hungry, a lousy sandwich will fill my stomach just as well as a fine steak. But not so wth sex. Nothing could ever satisfy me like making love with my wife. I trust your husband is the same way.

          And as far as that confounded book is concerned, you have to leave that behind. It is a choice you have to make. Forget that foolish advice and listen to what others, men and women, are saying to the contrary. Throw out that negative view and fill yourself with the positive advice you’ve been getting on this and other blogs. Surround yourself with Christian friends who, though not perfect, are truly positive about godly marriage.

          While we ultimately find our worth in Christ, that understanding can be strengthened or undermined by people close to us, especially our spouses. I pray that someday you’ll have your wake up call and stop believing the lies you’ve been accepting and build your marriage on trusting your husband.

        • @B – You know what? You have a talent for finding a way to make anything and everything mean you’re worthless. I’m not trying to be mean, I say this because I hope and pray you can be set free from that. You view life through a filter that says you are hopeless and worthless, and as long as you have that filter that’s what you will see.
          You’ve said enough about your childhood to show how you got this filter. I’m so sorry people who were supposed to love and help you choose to brutalise you because it made them feel better about yourself. Please, please, get some help to deal with this so you can have a better life!
          I have no idea how your husband feels about you, but as long as you look at his words and actions through your “I’m worthless” filter you will never be able to feel he loves you even if he does.
          B, I care about you. I want you to have a better life. And you can, if you can get some freedom from the garbage of your past.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…You Should Plan A Really Fancy DateMy Profile

          • Thank you, all, for taking the time to reply, and for being kind. I have a lot of thinking to do.

            Thanks, Paul, for caring.

  8. Paul, this thread has gone far afield, as often happens on blogs. Back to your original post, it was spot on. Sometimes we men can get a bit weird about our genitals (I would include testicles in the discussion), probably because they are “out there” and visible. They do take on a life of their own, sometimes. I can’t count the times I had to stand in front of a class with a very unwelcome erection, hoping my slacks were loose enough for it not to show. And how many times I’ve been minding my own business and then did something like cross my legs too quickly and get a painful reminder.

    I remember reading once that Hebrew has several words that are used for men, male, etc. one of them has the idea of “piercing” and is the one that would be used to express what the doctor says as the baby is delivered. The doctor looks between the legs and says, “You’ve got a boy!”

  9. This post reminds me of a time I went to the zoo with my extended family.
    There happened to be a female elephant in heat.
    Behind a giant fence was a moaning frustrated male elephant “hanging out” waiting for the gate to be opened. Funny thing, the men in the group elbowed each other and made snide comments about the male elephants enormous appendage. The women rolled their eyes and walked away. We couldn’t stand listening to the male’s whining.

    • @Jolie
      I find your choice of the word “whining” disturbing. To me, whining is what spoiled children do when they don’t get their way. Of course, the proper response is to not give in, to help the child mature and not be self-centered. From your comment in this context, it seems that you are making comparisons of the male elephant (who, after all, is wanting to do what God made him to do) to human men. To be sure, all of us are fallen and the sex drive needs to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit, but it seems to me that you are somehow equating the normal sexual drive of men to the whining of children. I hope I am misunderstanding you, but that seems to be the implication of your anecdote.

      I believe that the sexual union of a husband and wife, in some profoundly mysterious way, echoes or represents the union of Christ and His bride, the Church (Ephesians 5). Therefore, I choose to honor and celebrate my sexual organs, indeed my whole body, and my wife’s sexual organs and entire body, because every time our bodies are joined, we are somehow participating in a sort of sacred drama, if you will. And God is pleased with that and is smiling upon us.

      I find it fascinating that God did not tie our sexual urges to male rut and female heat, like many animals. We are more than animals, but we are not less. And the physiological drive that makes men desire sexual union with their wives is not something to be looked down on. We are not “whining” like spoiled children, trying to wheedle an orgasm out of our wives. We are desiring intimacy that is physical and more than physical. That’s something to be celebrated, isn’t it?

      • @Bobthemusicguy,

        I find it interesting that you fixated on the word ‘whining’.
        My intent on my comment was to make an example of how the men were impressed and commenting on how large the male elephant’s organs were. The article talks about men’s obsession with size. We females were totally unimpressed with his size. We couldn’t understand the fuss regarding the enormous appendage (roll of eyes) and actually felt sorry for the fenced out male (couldn’t stand to hear his ‘whining’, ‘moaning’, ‘groaning’) or what ever choice of words would have been better.
        It was actually the men who were making comparisons of their sexual organs to that of the male elephants.
        Sorry for the confusion.

      • @Bobthemusicguy,

        I believe you completely misunderstood my comments.
        I apologize for my use of the word “whining”. I did not mean to offend or disturb.
        Whining to me is the sound my truck engine makes.
        Whining is what my dog does when she is injured. Whine to me is a high pitched sound.

        My comment meant to focus on the fact that the men in the group were in awe of this elephant’s sexual organs and were actually Comparing THEMselves to him. That’s why the women rolled their eyes.
        The men were so fixated on the physical aspects of his manliness, they were completely oblivious to the fact the elephant was in distress.
        The post (I believe) is talking about men and their relationship with their penis.
        My point in case.
        The women actually felt sorry for the elephant and couldn’t stand to watch him weave back and forth making a “high pitched” sound through his trunk, so we walked away.

        I apologize if my choice of word tripped a trigger for you.
        I appreciate your views on the male sex drive and human sexual union though.
        Quite inspiring.

        • Thanks for the clarification. It struck a nerve because during years of gatekeeping and then total refusal, my wife said things like “All you want is sex.” Of course I wanted sex! But I wanted sex with HER, not in the abstract or with someone else or with myself. I think sex is relational for both men and women, but the physical triggers of arousal are different. Men’s sex drives are so physically oriented that we ourselves sometimes miss the relational aspect of it. Our bodies constantly produce fluids in the seminal vesicles and prostate that give a feeling of physical pressure that wants release. If I don’t get that release fairly regularly, I’m likely to get rather grumpy and irritable. Imagine what it’s like when it is rejected by my wife. My only choices are to masturbate, have an affair, or somehow sublimate my sex drive into other activities. (Just a thought, maybe some men who immerse themselves in work or hobbies are doing just that.) If the darn thing had an off switch, it would have made life bearable. I’m sure that during all those years of sexual frustration, I was not a nice person to live with sometimes.

          When you consider the obvious fact that our genitals are “out there” and behave in unpredictable ways, coupled with the fact that our culture hurls images at us constantly, images designed to trigger sexual reactions, it’s a wonder that any man has much control over his sexuality. That’s one reason a Christian man has to take it to God.

          And Christian wives, please understand the power you have over your husband. If you reject his God-given sex drive and treat it as an inconvenience, something on your list of chores to do, you are putting him right in the one of fire for Satan to attack him. Yes, he needs to be obedient and faithful, but please support him in this. Actively cherish his manhood and be the one he automatically turns to for sexual fulfillment. He doesn’t just want sex, he wants YOU sexually. There is a BIG difference.

          • I understand your sensitivities. I can sympathize, though being female, will probably never be able to empathize.
            You do touch on an issue that has recently (even in this post) made me question our culture’s need to “hurl images at us constantly, images designed to trigger sexual reactions”.
            If it truly causes struggles with males and their sexual reactions, why do we, as a society, allow all of the sexual imaging to continue?
            If men go shopping feeling like an untrained dog on a leash tied to a shopping cart that has to fight off all of the sexual input they are assaulted with, why don’t we, as a society, try to decrease the amount of sexual stimulus in our public domain?
            Wouldn’t that make life easier on both sexes?
            I personally don’t care to see sexually explicit images. I don’t appreciate my husband being bombarded with images on the TV and computer.
            Who is the driving force behind all of this?
            If it causes distress and struggles, why don’t we change it?
            Why do we make it so hard on ourselves?
            Is there a subconscious desire for this stimulation even if it causes self control issues?
            Just some questions I’ve asked myself lately.

            • I think the answer is that this is a fallen, sinful world, ruled by Satan (for now), and he wants to see every person captive to sin. It’s not new, it’s just more obvious to us via fast media. Imagine the ancient Israelites being contaminated by the pagans around them. Part of the Canaanite religions included fertility rites for good crops and such, which included male and female prostitutes offering sexual intercourse as part of the ritual. And these were at “high places” all over the country. No wonder God ordered them to exterminate the inhabitants during Joshua’s time. And when they didn’t, they suffered for centuries the influence of these pagan rituals.

              I took my (then) young sons to a museum in El Paso once, which included Native American artifacts from the area, centuries old. One item I had to steer them away from was a set of pairs of stones, one long and narrow, the other one round with a hole in the middle. The captions explained that each pair represented a penis and a vagina, and were part of the religious rituals that were practiced. So sexual images are nothing new, and we need to be on the defense all the time. It’s the right thing to do, but as a man, I can say I get weary of the battle. And I’m tired of something as beautiful as godly sex being turned into a hideous snare and trap for us.

              I think many Christans don’t take seriously enough the fact that we are at war. The Bible is explicit about this. And any believer, man or women, who goes into the fray without the armor of God (Ephesians 6) is liable to get seriously wounded. One interesting fact about the armor: there is nothing to protect your back. That means 1.) We should never be retreating, because the battle is the Lord’s; and, 2.) We are meant to protect each other. This is in all our relationships, and the most fundamental human relationship is marriage. The husband and wife need to protect each other from attack.

              It is mutual, of course, but I know that when I’m totally confident in my relationship with my wife, including our sex life, I’m much more able to face the evils of this world. And I’m better able to be the Christan man God wants me to be. I strive each day to be the husband she needs, too, and with God’s grace, I’m learning how to do that better.

  10. Well,
    When I see a commercial that I feel is “too much”, I act by emailing the company and putting in my complaint.
    If they get enough complaints, they will stop running the ad.
    Nothing wrong with letting a company know they have pushed the envelope.
    If we are at war, why not fight back?
    If sex didn’t sell, they wouldn’t use sex to sell.
    Think about it.

    • @Bobthemusicguy @Jolie – The reality is sex usually does NOT sell. [Do Sex and Violence Sell? A Meta-Analytic Review of the Effects of Sexual and Violent Media and Ad Content on Memory, Attitudes, and Buying Intentions
      In most situations, sexual ads do nothing to help a product, and may hurt it. The one exception is when an ad is run in a sexual atmosphere – a men’s or women’ magazine, or a sexual TV show (Game of Thrones for example).
      That said, many want to see sex everywhere they go, and they probably outnumber those of us who will complain or not watch something because of sexual commercials.
      Still, some are getting it. Last year both Abercrombie and Fitch and American Apparel said they would be de-sexualizing their ads in an attempt to increase sales.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Christmas Love LetterMy Profile

      • It’s not just sexual images, but what this debased attitude about sexuality has done to real people. I’ve shared before on this and other blogs how, as a teacher in a public high school, I was confronted daily, many times every day, with female students, and yes, teachers, who were dressed in such a way as to elicit male sexual response.

        This was at a time when I was sexually limited and then refused by my wife, so the sexual frustration level was intense. I was wide open to Satan’s attacks because I had no proper outlet for my physical sexual urges. But I was remaining faithful to my wife, so it meant a lot of eye and mind discipline. As I’ve said, on off switch would have been helpful. The constant pressure was one of the factors in my decision to retire. I was morally tired, and I didn’t want to fail at the test.

        That’s water under the bridge now, and our sex life is where it should be. But wives, please don’t diminish your importance as a helpful safeguard for your husbands. As parents, we do everything we can to shield our children from undue temptation, and we strive to prepare them for standing for God when we can’t shield them. Christian wife, you are able to help guard your husband’s heart. Yes, he needs to be obedient and faithful, no matter what. But you can help protect him by acknowledging his God-given sex drive, and the need he has for sexual intimacy with you, to further striengthen the marriage bond between you.

        • @Bobthemusicguy “I was confronted daily, many times every day, with female students, and yes, teachers, who were dressed in such a way as to elicit male sexual response.”

          I’ve come to realise most of them, I’d say the vast majority, have no idea what they are doing. It’s cultural, it’s what you do. I guess they have some vague idea they are enticing, but most can’t begin to understand how easily a woman can grab a man’s sexuality. This means men must be proactive about avoiding it. We must learn to look away before being shown something we don’t want to see.

          Trying to raise a daughter to be modes is a real trial in this culture. It makes her different, and no teenage wants to be different. If we just force it we encourage rebellion. If we teach them the truth we risk making them afraid of men.

          • And they start early. In a nearby mall, there is a store (Justice, I think) right next door to a Pink store right next door to a Victoria’s Secret. One day I realized that all three stores were connected inside. I avert my eyes whenever we walk the mall. And I’d rather look at the beautiful woman beside me anyway.

  11. I admit that I can sympathize with B in,how she feels. It is very difficult knowing your husband is sexually aroused by other women.

    It doesn’t feel like he loves his wife. It feels like he loves himself and how his wife makes him feel. I loathe that my husband has found ways to look at “porn” while “not looking at porn.” He avoid true porn and dabbles in gray areas he can excuse away like mainstream mature tv shows and rates r movies and YouTube click bait. This morning he was scrolling through youtube in bed with me. I was naked and waiting to have sex, but he wanted to drink his coffee and go through his phone routine first. Up pops a thumbnail featuring a well endowed woman wearing nothing but stickers on her breasts to represent Rudolph the Reindeer. He pauses and stares at it. He says it is gaudy and continues to stare at it for a good solid minute before scrolling on. Now, mind you, I am sitting right there topless, albeit my breasts are much smaller than the click bait girl’s, and he has yet to even glance at them. He says he loves breasts and especially mine because I let him touch them. Yeah, not buying what the used car dealer is selling. I knew he would sneak away later to watch the video. Sure enough, it shows up in the history.

    BUT, what I described isn’t what Paul is talking about. What he is talking about is akin to many women feeling that motherly “awww” when we see a newborn baby. That doesn’t mean our own children are diminished or we wish away their age in favor of that newborn babymoon.

    Sex is supposed to be exclusive to husbands and wives in marriage, so it is hard to know that sexuality itself doesn’t happen in that vacuum.

    B, as to your husband perking up when a woman passes by, that sounds less like his being aroused by them and more like his being insecure in himself. I don’t think he is trying to whet his sexual whistle, but rather trying to boost his self esteem.

    • I’d like to clarify one thing about visual stimuli, at least for me. When I see women dressed in such a way as to elicit male sexual response, it doesn’t mean I automatically respond that way. No erection, faster pulse, hormone surge, etc. It means that something has come into my consciousness that, if I dwell on it, may cause me to go down the wrong road. I can’t “unsee” what I saw, but I can direct my thoughts elsewhere, and I try to “take every thought captive” to Christ. I realize that if I dwell on it, much less actively seek out such images, I’m damaging my relationship with my wife.

      I oncc heard someone compare the effects of ungodly sexual imagery, visual or otherwise, to having someone give you a glass of clear water, only to tell you, after you had drunk it, that they scooped it up out of a toilet bowl.

      Back to Paul’s original post, my body belongs to my wife, as well as to me. And even though my penis may seem to have a mind of its own sometimes, it is up to me to exercise self-discipline and avoid things that will cause me to stumble. And the healthier my sexual relations with my wife are, the better I am able to do so.

      • Ok, that is a great analogy, and I appreciate that. Unfortunately, it seems my husband doesn’t mind that the water came from the toilet. He has a willing, eager, well-maintained living spring of water in this wife, but he is content to dip from the toilet. But, I think that is because he doesn’t see the toilet. He sees me as tap water at home and the other stuff as bottled water. My tap water “is just as good as” the fancy, dressed up bottled water, but bottled water is convenient. He doesn’t realize that the enemy just dressed up toilet water in a fancy, convenient bottle. And hubby thinks it is ok so long as he isn’t going out and seeking out porn or strip clubs or chat sessions. So long as the toilet water is acceptably packages in bottles, it is safe and ok. Meanwhile, his living tap water lies stagnant in the pipes.

    • @Libl – “It is very difficult knowing your husband is sexually aroused by other women.”

      I get that. But for many of us it’s not that we are sexually aroused by other women, rather we could be if we allowed it to happen. But we turn both our eyes and minds to avoid it. My mindless biology could be aroused by many women. My mind fights to prevent that. This to me is a huge sign of love for my wife.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…She Wants You to be a Spiritual LeaderMy Profile

  12. I just feel the need to clear the air a little bit here. I may be giving the wrong impression. A lot of my issues are mine. My insecurity. We’ve been seeing a counselor and painfully discovering things we’ve both tried to forget from our childhoods. I was put down every day. Every day. Not just childish sibling teasing, but actual meanness, know your place, don’t ever forget how fat you are (I was probably a size 6?), Amazon woman, big, ugly, no boy will ever like you. Day after day. From the time I can remember. Maybe fourth grade? Until today. Although my husband usually removes me from the situation now, because he thinks it’s wrong. They tend not to be as cruel if my husband is around. I’m not sure why.

    But it is what it is. They wouldn’t say such cruel things if they weren’t true. Right? Maybe not. I don’t know. I’m almost 41 years old and I’m still just figuring this all out. Which also makes me feel like a “bad” Christian, because Chrustians aren’t supposed to have baggage. You’re supposed to let all of that wash away the minute you get saved. I’m a slow learner.

    In many ways I feel bad for my husband. I used to feel bad for him because he got himself stuck with big, ol, ugly me. But now I wonder if maybe he really does love me as much as he says. Because he says he will never give up on me. Why would he stick around and so close if he didn’t love me?

    He doesn’t look at porn, or magazines, or even click bait – that I know of. He’s not really on the computer much (old school working man, who doesn’t really need a computer).

    We did go through a phase where he would stare at women while he was with me. Sometimes beautiful ones, sometimes average ones. It made me feel hideous! The weirdest part was, sometimes when I’d say something to him, he’d act like he didn’t even realize it. I thought that was an excuse to try to throw me off, but maybe not. Paul, something you said in your last comment REALLY got through to me. (Especially since in the past couple years my husband has stopped this behavior, at least in my presence, and even if a very attractive woman comes along and I see him notice, he makes an effort not to stare or even look again). If he didn’t love me, why would he try to stop?

    We had a terrible year about six years ago, when we lost 9 friends and loved ones in the span of six months. Three were shocking tragedies. One was a very close relative to my husband. It was a rough time, and my husband held up well on the outside, but grew depressed on the inside. This is when I really started to notice him noticing women. I was extra offended, because I kind of felt like – I’m suffering, too, and I’ve stood by you, and loved you, and kept the family going – and this is the thanks I get? Being made to feel unloved, unwanted, and ugly? But Paul, I think you may have hit on what was happening?..

    You said “But for many of us it’s not that we are sexually aroused by other women, rather we could be if we allowed it to happen. But we turn both our eyes and minds to avoid it. My mindless biology could be aroused by many women. My mind fights to prevent that. This to me is a huge sign of love for my wife.”

    He was depressed and not really thinking about us. About me. About anything, really. Perhaps his mindless biology was being aroused by many women. And he really wasn’t doing it on purpose. His mind didn’t have the strength to fight it at the time. I mean, it was a really awful time in both of our lives.

    And that would explain why he has stopped, or tried to stop. Once he realized what was happening, and how deeply he was hurting me, maybe that’s why he now turns his eyes and mind to avoid it. Maybe he really DOES love me. I don’t know, but maybe.

    Rereading my comment, I praise God that we are still together. It’s only by the grace of God we made it through all of that and managed to come out the other side a little stronger, even if we are a bit banged up.

    • @B
      I love reading about the positive things going on in your marriage. It is a process, and every couple goes through it at some time, maybe many times. But my wife and I, and many others, stand as testimony of God’s power and grace.

      My wife can really empathize with you. She really did have a weight problem, although it really wasn’t a problem with me, I still found her beautiful and attractive. But she faced all kinds of comments and acts that left her sure that she was ugly and worthless. Her mother said to me, shortly before we married and in my then fiancée’s presence, that I should get a medal for marrying her. What a cruel thing to say!

      I can empathize with your husband about behaving badly when I was falling apart. We had been married 17 years when I went into a deep depression, when dealing with my past and family issues that threatened to overwhelm me, left me so vulnerable to attack from Satan. When I chose to back out of some commitments, a colleague asked me who was getting divorced. I said, Nobody. I’m just trying to keep it that way.

      This past summer, when I was at my wits’ end from years of sexual frustration and then total refusal, my wife and I finally did what we should have done a lot earlier: be totally honest with ourselves and with each other. It was painful, but worth every tear. But the best thing we found was that through everything we had endured and suffered through, our marriage was stronger than we had realized. With all the (mostly external) pressures and attacks, we had stayed together. That says a lot about the love and commitment a man and woman have for each other.

      It sounds like you’re coming to the same conclusion we did, but a lot earlier. I’m 59 and my wife is 64, and we both wish we had dealt with this a long time ago. But the important thing is that we have come through, and I know you and your husband will, too. You really do love each other, I can tell. Why else would you be concerned? Most people would either break up, or simply go through the motions of a marriage, without showing any personal pain, because to some extent, they have given up. You haven’t, and you are open to God’s intervention. What an exciting prospect! The best years are still ahead of you.

  13. @B – I’m thrilled to hear you’re both getting help, and both seeing the garbage in your past. A few thoughts:

    * Why do you think people who are clearly cruel are honest?
    * Your husband protects you from your family. Good for him.
    * All Christians have baggage. We can either work to hide it or work to deal with it. Those who look like they don’t have baggage are probably working so hard to hide it they’re making no progress on dealing with it. Dealing with our past is a process. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t understand the truth of the Bible.
    * Yes, it sounds like your husband loves you. So let him. Accept his love as a gift and let it bless you.
    * I agree with your thoughts on his wandering eyes. It takes effort to not look, and being depressed reduces our energy level.

    B – It’s so wonderful to see you finding these truths. I pray the Lord will help you hold them fast when they get attacked, and I pray 2017 will be a great year for you, your husband, and your marriage. Keep digging at the past, it will bring great freedom.
    Paul Byerly recently posted…What Thing(s) Would She Have You Do?My Profile

    • Hey Paul,

      I guess I just can’t believe that anyone would say cruel things unless they were true. I mean, why would anybody want to hurt others unless they felt it was the truth and needed to be said? That’s why, whenever I accomplished something my family made sure to belittle that achievement in order to keep me in my place and humble. I was never told “good job” – I figured I just never did a good enough job. It’s amazing what a grip our growing up years can have on us. To this day if anyone compliments me, while I can smile and fake a thank you, in my heart I instantly reject what they are saying as “fluff”. I have trust issues and I’m trying to work through them.

      Good to hear all Christians have baggage. The past two churches we’ve belonged to have been full of “perfect” Christians. At the first one, if you had an issue, the first thing they would tell you is “well, saved people don’t have that problem. Perhaps you should question if your salvation is real.” We ended up leaving that church because it was unhealthy. The church we attend now is large. Our counselor has been encouraging us t get into a small group or Bible study. But at this church they are closed, and if they are full, no new people are allowed in. So that’s frustrating. We have to find something.

      Thanks for your help and your kind words. I hope you and Lori have a great 2017 as well!

      • @B – “I guess I just can’t believe that anyone would say cruel things unless they were true. I mean, why would anybody want to hurt others unless they felt it was the truth and needed to be said?”
        I don’t see it as saying cruel things, I see it as being cruel. Cruel people say thinks to hurt others because they enjoy it. It makes them feel better about themselves. They NEED to be cruel to others, and they will exaggerate or lie to do it. Sure they will cover it as loving you enough to tell you the hard truth, but that’s just the lie they use to feel okay about doing something horrible. What you have said about your sister sounds to me like emotional abuse.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Should You Take A Few Days Off Next Month?My Profile

  14. @Bobthemusicguy, thank you for your kind reply and your encouragement.

    @Paul, thank you for the phrase “mindless biology.” What an eye opener! Those two little words have shed a great deal of light onto so much. For me, that phrase makes things make so much more sense. We all see and hear things through our own filter, right? Which can make understanding really hard. All those books, articles, posts, I’ve read – I have heard this:

    (Keep in mind this is not a direct quote, but how I interpret these things) : ‘Face it, lady, you are no supermodel. You never have been, you never will be. There are thousands of women far more beautiful than you, and because your husband is a man and men are visual, he’s going to notice every one of them, stare at them, memorize them, fantasize about them, replace you in his mind with them, dream about them, memorize every detail about these women who are far better than you in every way, wish he could get rid of you so he could have them. You are worthless now. You can stay in shape and try to look your best but it’s a losing battle. You will never win. You are not even good enough to compete. You cannot be loved and youre lucky he even lets you live inside the house. Why else would he be noticing them unless he was desperately searching for something far better than you?’ Yeah – it’s that bad in my brain. I started to believe men can’t actually love one woman, and my husband certainly couldn’t love plain, Jane me.

    But enter the phrase – mindless biology. If there’s truth there, it makes things make a lot more sense. It would mean that when good men say they do their best not to look too much at scantily clad women because they love and want to honor their wives, perhaps they’re telling the truth. Because my gut says “oh yeah, well then why do you notice ms sexy in the first place, if you love your wife and claim she’s enough for you?” Mindless biology. It explains why @wynd said some men wish there was an “off switch” – and until a few days ago I thought he was full of bologna. Maybe he was talking about an “off switch” for the mindless biology. I thought for every attractive woman my husband sees, I lose points in his heart – until I’m completely worthless. Maybe he really does love me, just me, and when he notices another woman – even if his mind starts to drift where it shouldn’t for a minute – maybe it’s not that she’s taking my place in his heart, and not that he’s wishing he had waited and not married me so he could marry one of these better women, maybe he’s simply noticing her because of mindless biology. I’m still not thrilled about it, but it makes it a lot easier to accept and a lot easier to believe maybe he isn’t lying when he says he loves ME and only wants ME.

    So instead of getting upset that his mindless biology notices every hottie that comes along, maybe I should be thankful that his mindFUL heart turns his eyes away and his thoughts back towards the wife he loves.

    So thank you for that!

    • @B – Glad it helped.
      I’ve met a very few men who were only about satisfying their mindless biology. Nothing and no one can satisfy such a man, and they end up alone and miserable, blaming it on others.
      I learned a long time ago that people are package deals and we are all both beautiful and broken.
      As far back as High School, I figured out that the physically beautiful girls tended to be shallow, empty, or rude. They were trading on their looks and didn’t work on things like being kind, being mature, and so on. I recall my confusion when I got to know one of the cheerleaders. She was a year ahead of me and we shared a math class because she was behind and I was ahead. She was a decent person, and I had never before run into one of the popular, “beautiful people” who was decent. It’s sad she was such a rare exception. It seems being pretty by the world’s standards is almost a curse.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Should You Take A Few Days Off Next Month?My Profile

  15. @B
    Great observations, and it also explains something else. This miscommunication pops up often enough that when a man says, “You’re not respecting me because you don’t believe me and trust me,” he (I) needs to remember the kinds of things churning through his wife’s mind. I really try to tend to my eyes and mind, to not see, and at least to not dwell on, things that might take me down the wrong road.

    The fact that you have a hard time believing that people could be so cruel, underscores the fact that you have a tender heart. That’s a good thing, but really try to trust and believe your husband when he says he loves you and is attracted to you. He is making a choice. And the line of thought that you described above, IS NOT the truth about most married men. A man seeking to follow God has consciously forsaken all others and has chosen to be with his wife. Whatever temptation he may face, and he will, if he chooses for you, he’s on the right road.

    With the self-image problems my wife has struggled with, I have said many times over the years, “Please, just let me love you!” I sometimes felt it was hopeless, not because of any shortcomings in her, but because I was not a good enough husband for her to believe me and receive my love. Do consider how your husband might feel about you putting yourself down and doubting his love. In essence, you’re saying to him that the one person he prizes above all others, isn’t worth prizing. Try to see yourself in the mirror of your husband.

  16. Pingback: Best Christian Sex Links of the Week — Christmas Edition | Married Christian Sex

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