Two years ago we did a survey on married folks having sexual fantasies about someone other than their spouse. I was surprised by how much of an issue this is among women. It was a problem for men, but just by a bit.

Forty-seven percent of the women said they’d had a sexual fantasy about someone other than their husband in the last month. Fifteen percent of women (and 16% of men) said they had such fantasies seven or more times in a month.

The most surprising result was about having sexual fantasies about others during sex. Only 16% of men said they do it, while 45% of women admitted to doing it. So the odds a husband is thinking of another woman while having sex with his wife are about a third of the chance his wife is thinking of another man!

My guess is women are more likely to have other person fantasies during sex because they use/need them to get aroused and reach climax. Men get plenty of physical stimulation from sex and tend to focus on those sensations. Boosing arousal with fantasies is a trap because the more a woman does it the more she comes to depend on it.

About half of you don’t do this. But about half of you do. Just because it’s secret doesn’t make it okay. The way to deal with this is to confess to your husband and seek his forgiveness. Tell him you don’t want to do it anymore, and also explain how that may make sex more difficult for you. Tell him what he can do to help you get aroused, and if you need him to slow down or change what he’s doing, say so. Don’t make it sound like your resorting to fantasy was his fault, but do make it clear you need his help to provide what you were getting from fantasy.

The full Survey results are on The Marriage Bed 

~ Paul – I’m XY and only my wife gets to have sex with me in my thoughts.

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