If He Loved Me, He Would…

Finish this sentence: “If my husband loved me, he would _________.”

If He Loved Me, He Would...

Okay, that was sort of a trick question because many of the common answers don’t make valid statements. For example “If my husband loved me, he would never pass gas again” is a false statement because passing gas is a biologic necessity. A similar statement would be “If my husband loved, he wouldn’t be aware of other women.”

But where I really want to go with this is about those things we want to be true. “If he loved me, he’d pick up his socks” would be a good example. I agree his love for you should motivate him to do the things that matter to you, but how well he does at picking up his socks really isn’t a good gauge of his love for you. Then there are the things he does because he loves you, like working long hours. If you said “If he loved me more, he wouldn’t work so much” you could be totally missing the truth of why he does it. (And yes, there are other reasons men work too many hours, but taking care of his family is high on the list.)

Then there are things that come down to putting your preferences on him. One woman might say, “If he loved me he wouldn’t ask for sex all the time” while another says “If he loved me he would want me all the time.” A great many things about both of you play into your individual sex drives and how you express them, and how much he loves you may not be a factor in this. 

When you start telling yourself some act(s) proves his love or some other act(s) proves his lack of love, you do both of you and your marriage a disservice. Aside from being a unique person who thinks, acts, and reasons differently than anyone else, your husband is not female. What makes perfect sense to you may be a million miles from his reality.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and “If my husband loved me he would buy me chocolate” might be valid. ;-)

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6 Comments on “If He Loved Me, He Would…

  1. There’s another added one. When a wife says “Well if he would help out around the house, I might be more willing to have sex.”

    The husband says “I would be more willing to help around the house, if she would be willing to have sex.”

    Both are in the wrong.

    The problem with this behavior just like in your post is we look at how the other person is treating us and make that the priority and focus on that, instead of asking how we are treating the other. We will not be called to account for how others treated us. We will be called to account for how we treated others.
    Nick Peters recently posted…What I’m Learning From Final Fantasy XVMy Profile

  2. What if you finish the sentence this like this? If he loved me he would be nice to me. My husband is a bull in a China shop, he’s loud, he’s demanding, he thinks every thing I do or don’t do reflects how I feel about him. He’s had multiple affairs and struggles with porn use which has increased the anxiety I already deal with. I’m seeking help and getting counseling and taking meds for it. Still trying to find the right meds to help that don’t cause side effects I can’t live with (daily migraines, teeth clenching that causes headaches almost daily, severe heartburn to name a few). He has not been patient or understanding with me as I have dealt with all this. Nor has he sought help for his addictions which I really think he should do. We’ve been to marriage counseling which helped for a while but then it became something he resented because he felt it was a time to bash him. I see both sides of that. She was more pushing to him to change than she was to me, but he had affairs while in counseling and wasn’t addressing the porn use so he wasn’t making the changes he needed to make for himself and our marriage. He needs help, I pray daily for that. In the meantime I just need him to be nice to me.

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