Are Sex Toys Okay For Christians Couples?

Last year I saw several female Christians write less than glowing posts about sex toys. Most of them didn’t call sex toys sinful (thanks for that, ladies) but they each had concerns, and based on that recommended against sex toys. I’m not going to mention any names here (I don’t even recall most of them), but I am going to address some of the common reasons given for sex toys being a bad plan.

Are Sex Toys Okay For Christians Couples?

  • The places you have to go to buy them: There are plenty of clean places to buy sex toys, including Christian owned sites. This was a valid issue at one time, but it hasn’t been for more than a decade now.
  • Toys focus on physical pleasure rather than emotional and spiritual intimacy: Good sex is about body, mind, and soul. No one needs a sex toy to become unbalanced in this. Besides, if the physical is difficult a toy might help with the balance.
  • It will interfere with intimacy: I’ve never been a woman, but I would imagine not knowing when or if you will have an orgasm interferes with intimacy big time. I often wonder if women who speak against sex toys find climax easy.
  • Vibrators are addictive: This has been claimed for a very long time, but no one has yet proven it. Sure, you might get used to having an orgasm in less than an hour and not want to go back, but that’s not addiction. The most successful learn-to-have-an-orgasm programs use vibrators as the starting point and most women go on to have orgasms without a vibrator. If vibrators were addictive this would not be possible. 
  • Vibrators desensitise a woman: Also claimed and not proven. One study did find a minority of women sometimes felt minor numbness after using a vibrator, but it was a very short term thing.
  • Your husband will feel cheated or replaced: I’m a husband, and I can’t imagine having a problem with a tool that makes it easier for me to pleasure my wife or possible to pleasure her more.
  • Sex should be between a man and a woman only: I have no use for items that are moulded from real people, nor do I think any item needs to look realistic. But really? Where do we draw the line? Is lingerie wrong? Is using a lubricant unacceptable? This is pretty much the same reasoning used by those who think oral sex, or even manual sex, are wrong.
  • Sex toys support the porn industry or are popular because of porn: You can probably find links to sex toys on many porn sites, but toys are made and sold by others and are a minor source of income for those who produce and sell porn. As for porn being the reason people want sex toys, we have found sex toys that are thousands of years old. 
  • My friend told me she…: Yeah, there are all kinds of people who claim all kinds of things. I’d counter all of this with the women who say they would have stopped having sex, or would be having it without pleasure if it were not for sex toys.

I’m not suggesting everyone should use sex toys. If your sex life it good without toys and you have no interest in them, great. If toys have made sex better or easier for you, good for you. If you occasionally use a sex toy because it’s fun, go for it. If you want to try them but worry about what someone might think, get something and keep it out of sight. What you and your husband do in your marriage bed is no one else’s business!

If you want a safe place to look at or buy sex toys, I highly recommend Covenant Spice. I don’t highly recommend it because we’re an affiliate, we’re an affiliate because we feel we can highly recommend it. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know any tool can be used for good or bad.

What Do You Think? This week’s TMB survey asks Are Sex Toys Okay?  

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11 Comments on “Are Sex Toys Okay For Christians Couples?

  1. Personally, I feel sex is supposed to be flesh. I don’t want to have sex with toys. I want to have sex with my husband. That said, I am not against sex TOOLS…devices used when circumstances leave spouses with fewer natural options. Illness, paralysis, difficulty orgasming.

    I agree with the ladies and their arguements.

    • @Libl – No argument with you, and I can certainly understand it. I do appreciate your openness to the needs of others.
      So far on the survey, with 271 responses, a slim majority of men and women say problems with arousal, orgasm, erection, or PE are factors in their choosing to use toys. I’m surprised it’s that high, but it certainly shows toys can be a help.
      Some say toys interfere with intimacy (17% of women & 15% of men) but more say it helps with intimacy (27% of women and 20% of men)
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Shifting Blame to Avoid Sex or Dealing With SexMy Profile

  2. I have concerns about the increase in the use of sex toys in the marital bedroom. One of your biggest arguments seems to be “where do we draw the line?” But we’re always drawing lines. That’s part of our job as Christians — to draw lines that say, “I will go there, but not there,” because A is more like Christ and B is less like Christ. Is there an actual line? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. And I agree that Christians have at times drawn lines where none exist; however, that doesn’t mean we need to erase all discretion and judgment. God wants us to use His Word and our reason to make decisions where the answer might not be exactly clear.

    I suggest people consider carefully what they want to accomplish, whether a sex toy will achieve the long-term results they desire (oftentimes, it won’t), and then use their Christian compass to make the right decision for their marriage bed. No, I don’t think it’s sinful, but it can be unwise to head straight for the sex toys when more communication, exploration, and learning would create an even better sexually intimate experience.
    J. Parker recently posted…Q&A with J: “My Wife Gets Aroused from Abuse Fantasy”My Profile

    • @J. Parker – Where to draw the line is certainly an issue. Just saying no means not having to deal with that, but it also sets up a rule that is not from God – always a dangerous thing.

      I am honestly surprised by how many of the respondents to our survey are saying toys help with some sexual problem. Some of those problems could be solved in other ways, some could not. And if a toy can avoid the use of medications that may be a better choice.

      I fully agree we need to communicate and explore. Ironically, being afraid of doing those things is what keeps some from trying sex toys.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Shifting Blame to Avoid Sex or Dealing With SexMy Profile

  3. I believe that sex toys can enhance intimacy (and I was one who wrote a post about the positive aspects of sex toys last year)–and I also believe that they can interfere with it.

    Although I have seen some of the studies that counter the concerns that some women expressed, this is an area where studies don’t give us a full enough picture.

    For most of the reasons you give here to counter common concerns, I know of situations where the concern has proven valid.

    Toys can make it too easy to focus on physical pleasure at the expense of emotional and spiritual intimacy. They can interfere with intimacy of they replace careful attention and time together. Some women do get so accustomed to the sensations of a vibrator that they find it difficult to having an orgasm without one. Some husbands do feel inadequate because their wives need something other than a husband to have an orgasm.

    I know women who’ve experienced these things–just as I know women who’ve found that sex toys have strengthened the intimacy in their marriages. We should be careful in discounting the concerns altogether–just as we should be careful in saying that these negative outcomes are a likely result of using sex toys.

    Sex toys do invite the possibility of some of these concerns, even if not the probability. It is wise for a couple to be prayerful, thoughtful, and wise in incorporating them into the marriage bed.

    • @Chris – There are also men who let a toy take the place of learning how to pleasure their wife, and that’s sad. But there are also men who won’t learn, and then a sex toy is the only option for avoiding sexual frustration for the woman. That’s sad too, and the lesser of two bad choices.
      So yeah, it can get really complex, and it’s easy to blame or credit toys when we should not.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Shifting Blame to Avoid Sex or Dealing With SexMy Profile

  4. It seems toys are like any other area in marriage. A couple needs to communicate with each other and God, and prayerfully choose what’s right between them and the Lord. The answer will likely look different for each couple, depending on their marriage and their relationship with Christ. The answer that’s best for one couple may be the worst solution for another, and vice versa. If they don’t pray, don’t communicate and just jump to one extreme or another, that’s not good in any aspect, toys included. I don’t get why this is such a huge problem area for Christians.

  5. Just for myself, I would find the idea of my husband approaching my body with an inanimate object (or my approaching his) sort of creepy. I never tried using any kind of toy on my own because it just seemed icky. Again, this is just my personal reaction.

  6. Have one here. Not my idea but hubs, since I have some struggles. I can’t say that I enjoy it. I think he enjoys it 98% and me maybe 2% when its used. Its just not the same for me. I would never consider it as a replacement, its so far beyond being able to compare. I can say that its never used as a replacement for anything, just as an attempt to maybe “speed” things up for me, as by the time I am starting to get in the mood, its all he can do to hang in there for me.
    I think its something every couple need to address on their own.

    • @Henri – Our attitudes about them is an important part of choosing to use them or not. But then the question is why some have a very negative attitude. I talk to people who have never tried them who hate them. Thier hate is not based on experience, so what is it based on?
      I’m not trying to change your opinion – or anyone’s opinion. But I do wonder who or what gave some folks such a negative opinion.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Reading About Our RV Dream from Two Years AgoMy Profile

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