He Wants You to Touch Him Non-Sexually

A gentleman who reads the Generous Husband asked me to tell wives men want more non-sexual touch.

He Wants You to Touch Him Non-Sexually

Granted this is not every man, but it’s far more than you might think. A 2011 survey done by the Kinsey Institute found that for middle-aged and older couples in long-term relationships (25 years average), kissing and cuddling were more important to the men than to the women. Even during sex, many men want more of the less-sexual touch. Several recent studies saw a majority of men saying they wanted foreplay to last longer.

I suspect this changes some with age. Young men are so sexually charged all touch is sexual. As we get past 30 we find a sane balance, and suddenly things that don’t lead to nudity and thrusting are important to us.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love to snuggle my lady Lori!

GOAL!: Today’s mail brought checks that took our year-end giving drive to $10,680. A huge thanks to everyone who helped us out. Everyone should have received a thank you by now unless they were anonymous or one of the several emails returned as closed accounts. Lori is working on giving statements which will be out this month.

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17 Comments on “He Wants You to Touch Him Non-Sexually

  1. This was interesting to read. A few years ago, my lower drive husband seemed to become even more interested in non-sexual touch. This both confused and annoyed me. I felt, if you have very little interest in sex with me, why would you want to touch me? Why would you want to kiss, cuddle, and hold hands with someone you didn’t love or find sexually attractive? And it was very hard for me to be touched by him, when I craved more of a sexual relationship than he did. I mean, him touching me was like torture, because it would turn me on more, and I knew it would go no further. I actually started shutting down when he’d touch me as a defense – otherwise I’d get so wound up with no hope for relief. And again, this made me feel even MORE worthless and ugly. I was under the impression that for most men, touching and cuddling got them even more interested in sex. This didn’t appear true for my husband, and so it cemented my belief that I just wasn’t good enough for him.

    Things are getting somewhat better. He constantly tells me he finds me attractive, and we are usually intimate once a week. I still start to feel like I’m going crazy after three days, and sometimes he will be in the mood for more, but not often. So I’m trying to accept this, I’m trying to believe that he might be telling the truth when he says he loves me, and I’m learning to enjoy the non-sexual touch. I still struggle to keep my desire for him under wraps, but things are slowly getting better. A lot of it is attitude adjustment.

    • Hi B!! I am so happy to hear there is some progress. Keep hanging in there girl. I am praying for you.
      On a side note, my husband loves when I rub his feet. Its pretty much the only non sexual touch he likes. Other then this he feels “smothered”. I hate feet. Its is a real labor of love for me to do this, and he knows this. I still refuse to do inbetween the toes though : )

  2. If we didn’t care about foreplay, we’d go for quickies every time. No. Foreplay makes it more fun. It gives time for my wife to get more excited and into it and more time for me to love her beautiful body. Why would a guy not want foreplay?
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  3. “As we get past 30 we find a sane balance, and suddenly things that don’t lead to nudity and thrusting are important to us.”

    With age comes wisdom :)

  4. It’s true. I understand that my wife gets “touched out” by the end of the day with two small kids and needs personal space. Not to mention that women are typically far more touchy-feely with their female friends than men are with theirs. So if you’re a guy who has physical touch as one of their primary love languages (like me), it can leave you feeling quite lacking in this area.

  5. This is me, physical touch is one of my love languages. I have told my wife this multiple times, and she refuses for the most part. “Thats not who I am, and you shouldn’t ask me to change.”

    • I’m sure you already know this, but that is selfish and I’m sorry. My husband’s love languages are acts of service and gifts, and neither of those pushed the dial for me. (Mine are physical touch and then quality time.) I still try to do something for him or get a little treat if I’m out shopping, because I think that’s important to him. I just have to be really, really mindful about doing it, otherwise I’d never remember (because it’s not a big deal to me).

      It would be okay, I think, to point out that you are not asking her to change herself; you’re asking her to notice who you are.

      • @sunny-dee, I agree with you. My husbands love language is words of affirmation, and mine is physical touch. For some reason, words of affirmation ranks below zero on my love language scale. I think it’s a trust thing. I don’t like words of affirmation, I often dont believe them. This could be wrong on my part, but past experience has taught me most people will flatter or try to talk you up to get what they want. So I struggle to accept my husbands positive words, because I’m always wondering what the catch is. He’s really into mushy greeting cards and I am not. It’s super hard for me to act all touched by a greeting card. Anyhow, because words of affirmation are so important to him and so foreign for me, I do have to be very intentional about affirming him verbally. I’m getting better as time goes by.

        I think a lot of it stems from the past. I was put down so very often, that positive affirmation actually feels very wrong to me. But I’m trying very hard to let that go. I’m still leery of the family members who put me down, but I try to separate my husbands positivity from my ugly past, and see it for the love he’s trying to show me.

        • @B, It’s wonderful to hear you speaking more positively about yourself and your belief in your husband’s feelings towards you! What a great way to start off the new year. Increasing your sense of self-worth will be such a wonderful gift for your husband. You have my prayers for continued growth in this area.

      • If that’s the correct way of thinking, I suppose we should say to God, “Don’t ask me to change, that’s just who I am.” My guess is that anyone who really thinks this expects others to change to fit their demands and expectations.

    • @John, First, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this lack of touch and seeming lack of concern from your wife. I have to wonder what is going on with her to make her say this. Is she just being downright selfish as it sounds by your description or is something else really behind her response? It could be something happened in her past that makes her shy away from physical touch. She may not even be consciously aware of the reason(s). It could be she relates physical touch to sex even though you specify non-sexual touch. She could be using this as some passive aggressive way to get back at you for something entirely unrelated. I can think of many other reasons for her actions and this statement. Some of them make her actions and her statement understandable. My point is it’s important to see past the statement and try to understand what is motivating it. Once both of you understand why she feels that way, you can start working on a solution.

  6. “Thats not who I am, and you shouldn’t ask me to change.” That’s a really great philosophy for marital failure! This sounds like a person who should never have married. Anyone unwilling to step out of their comfort zone or change for the person that they claim to love is so clueless about the concept of marriage as to be irreclaimable. Beyond the above, I’m left speechless!

  7. One of the things my husband and I have in common is that physical touch is each of our top love languages. At first we found this kind of amusing. Now, it’s become crucial. He’s fighting a battle with cancer, and treatment has dramatically diminished our ability to have sex, even though we both still want it. What helps us maintain our connection and our strength as one is all the nonsexual touch we give each other. Even if non-sexual touch isn’t usually a big priority, I’d urge couples to try to build that up. If one eventually deals with some serious health or other problem, it may be the very thing that helps keep you strong as husband and wife.

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