Recently in a comment, a man reported his wife had said, “That’s not who I am, and you shouldn’t ask me to change.” She said this about something he wanted and needed from his wife. In this case, it was non-sexual physical touch, but the same attitude gets applied to all kind of things.

I find this attitude at odds with the idea of being a loving spouse, and completely contrary to the idea of being a generous spouse.

I realise many things are “how we are”. Some are hardwired, others have been ingrained in us to the point they feel hardwired. We may never feel differently, but we can choose to behave differently. 

As an example, I’m not by nature a neat person. I’ve come to suspect much of that was a form of passive-aggressive rebellion against my mother, but that understanding has not changed how I am. However, my wife is a very neat and orderly person, and she needs a certain level of picked up and in order. (Yes, I said she needs it, it’s not a want, she needs it to feel right.) Because I love my wife I have learned to be much neater than I would ever have been on my own. I’m still not as neat as she would like, but I’ve done enough to make it work for her.

Where is “who you are” a real problem for your husband? I do agree he shouldn’t ask you to change. He shouldn’t have to ask you because you should do it out of your love for him.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know how to show my wife I love her!

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