At one of our marriage events last year I had a chance to talk with a man who said he was the low drive spouse in his marriage. Given some of you here struggle with this, I thought what I learned would be of interest. I’ll call him George – not his real name.

First I want to say this fellow is the last guy in the room I would have expected to be low sex drive. George was all man. He did all manner of manly things, he did them well, and he did them because he enjoyed them. If I were lost in the forest or needed help building anything, George is the kind of guy I would want at my side. He was healthy and fairly young – 40 at most.

George said he enjoyed sex when he and his wife had it, and his wife told Lori sex was good for her when they had it. But George never felt a need for sex or an urge to have it, and he’d been this way all his life. He could have sex several days in a row if he put his mind to it, but he could easily go a month without and not miss it.

When I asked why, George blamed growing up in a church that was over-focused on purity. I get the feeling he felt guilty every time he had an erection, and masturbation was probably seen as one of the top five sins of all time. George worked hard to suppress his sexuality because he felt it was what God wanted. Decades later it’s still suppressed.

All of that said, George loves his wife and he wants to give her what she needs. He says he will have sex when she wants it. She feels this is true, but it takes more than just mentioning she wants it. My guess is she could have all she wants if she were willing to ask several times each time she wants it and work their schedule so it’s easy to do. I understand why a woman (or a man) would get tired of having to work so hard for sex. Beyond that, I understand how it feels like it’s always mercy/pity sex, and like your husband doesn’t love you, or want you, or is not attracted to you.

Based on what George said to me, I have no doubt he loves his wife and he finds her beautiful. The problem has nothing to do with her; it’s all about having disconnected his God-given sex drive. I encouraged George to think about his wife’s sexual needs and try to be better about both meeting them and initiating sex. I would tell his wife she “has not because she asks not” and suggest she ask, ask, ask. More sex would be good for her, but it would also be good for him and for their marriage. I wonder if it would be easier for her if she could see it as something she needed to do for their marriage rather than because of her own urges?

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m amazed and saddened that a guy could so fully mess up his sexuality. 

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