A recent post from Ransomed Heart Ministries caught me with this;

“I began to realize that what I’ve done for most of my life is resign myself to this idea: I’m really not going to have any lasting joy. And from that resignation, I’ve gone on to try and find what I could have. Women do this in marriage. They see that they are not going to have any real intimacy with their husbands, so they lose themselves in soaps or tabloids or romance novels.” Joy | Ransomed Heart Ministries

I certainly understand why men and women “give up” when it looks like something will never happen. “I will never have real intimacy in my marriage” or “My spouse will never desire to have sex with me” or “My spouse will never care about my wanting to _____.” Months or years of not having a need met hurts; it hurts a lot. Giving up feels like a solution because it numbs the pain somewhat. Then we add some activity (or call it an idol or an addiction if you like) to further numb the pain, and for the most part, we stop hurting.

The problem with giving up is it stops any real chance of ever getting what we want. There are times when giving up is the only sane option, but all too often we give up way too soon. We give up not because there is no real hope, but because we don’t think we can take it any longer. We give up before we should, and we may give up on the verge of a breakthrough.

I’ve seen many couples where one spouse gave up and unplugged from the marriage. At some time later their spouse changed and became what they had wanted and needed. I mean really changed, really became what had desired. I have rarely seen this result in a happy ending. Most of the time, the one who gave up refuses to believe the change is real. More accurately, they’re unwilling to risk finding out. They are unwilling to face being hurt again now that they have numbed the pain. They reject their heart’s desire because they choose to give up and kill the pain. 

The reality is people do change. It’s never as fast as we would like, but it does happen. Those who hold out hope may suffer more for a time, but in the end, they are far happier and better off than those who give up. Giving up should never be a throwaway choice, it should only happen after some hard thinking and prayer. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I speak from personal experience on this.

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