The Golden Rule In the Bedroom

I suggested on Wednesday that giving your husband what you want might fall short of giving him what he wants. This is especially true when it comes to sex.

The Golden Rule In the Bedroom

The sexual wiring of his body and brain are significantly different from the way you’re wired. On top of this, you both have a lot of learned cultural behaviours, and many of these exaggerate already existing biological differences. This means he wants some things you will probably never think of on your own. So…

Below is a random collection of things many (most?) men would like to try with their wife. Some of these are in the privacy of your home or bedroom, others you can do in more public settings. 

If you want to make sex better for him try a few of these. Or, if you’re really feeling brave, print this out and ask him to mark each idea with a check for okay, and x for no thanks, and a star for “Yes, please, ASAP!”

  • Set aside a day to see how many times the two of you can have sex.
  • Send him a sexually explicit love note.
  • Take sexy pictures or videos of you or the two of you. (Even if you erase them after viewing once.)
  • Give him manual or oral sex that teases him to the edge without climax over and over.
  • Sex in the shower. (Play it safe and use your hands or mouth on him.)
  • Have him watch you masturbate. Or watch each other do it at the same time.
  • Wear some really sexy, totally impractical and probably uncomfortable lingerie for him. (Red and black are good colours, lace panels and cuts out are always good.)
  • In the car, lift your skirt or dress up high on your leg. When you’re stopped at a light and sure no one can see, put his hand between your legs.
  • Getting a motel room at a local motel, put the do not disturb sign out, and spend the entire time naked and having fun together. (Throw on a robe and get room service, or bring snacks.)
  • Try a dozen new positions in a week.
  • Grab his penis without warning and don’t letting go until he climaxes. 
  • Invite him for an almost fully dressed quickie as the two of you head out the door someplace.
  • Swap sexual stories you write about yourselves.
  • Serve him breakfast in bed wearing nothing but an apron.
  • For no reason, pull up your shirt and show him your breasts. Bonus points for playing with your nipples. Then lower your shirt and go on as if nothing happened.
  • Whisper to him in public that you’re not wearing panties. (Yeah, everyone says this. But if you’ve never done it, cross it off his sexual bucket list soon!)
  • Pause the DVD and tell him you have to have him right now and right here!
  • Have phone sex while apart overnight. 
  • Buy some sexy, revealing, totally immodest clothes you would never wear in public, and wear them just for him. Second hand and thrift shops are great for this. The kind of provocative clothing worn when he was in high school is likely to be particularly effective, and dangerously high heels will get most guy’s attention.
  • Feel him up through his pants.
  • Talk more and in detail about your physical enjoyment of sex.
  • ____________________________ 
  • ____________________________
  • ____________________________ (Let hubby add a few!)

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is amazing! 

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23 Comments on “The Golden Rule In the Bedroom

  1. It is amazing just how different people can be. My husband says no to the vast majority of that list. It used to bother me greatly that he has no sense of sexual adventure, but now I don’t mind because it takes a lot of pressure off of me and I am not like other wives who are constantly being pushed passed their comfort zones. I think that sense of relief comes from the season of life I am in, in the throes of busy motherhood where my days run 24/7. When I am an empty nester, I may think differently about it again, like I did before motherhood got so busy and I greatly lamented our stale vanilla sex life. It felt like a waste of my virginity, youth, and virility. Now, I am too tired to really care too much anymore. We found a consistent that works, vanilla as it is, but it offers connection and release and he claims he is perfectly happy with our sex life.

    • It IS pretty amazing how different people can be, isn’t it? But it’s good that you and your husband have been able to communicate openly about what you do (and don’t) want, and found a balance that is reasonably satisfying for you both at the moment. If, down the road, that balance is no longer satisfactory for you, you can always renegotiate things.

      I like that Paul recommends printing out this list and ASKING husbands what they would like their wives to do from it. Not everything on this list and is something that will work for everyone; as your husband proves. Some of these things have the potential to be very upsetting and backfire horribly if you do them without warning or prior discussion (especially anything involving grabbing and not letting go or groping of any kind). As with most things in life, communication and respect of each other’s boundaries is key.

      • I appreciate this, Ace. Thank you. If you were to ask hubby to grade our sex life on a scale of 1 to 10, he would pick a 9 or 10. If you asked me, I would say it ranges from 4-6. But since, 4 years ago, I would have rated it a zero to 1, I would say it has improved.

  2. Please consider a corresponding list for the husbands to give to their wife, or, is that a previous post? Thanks

      • Paul, Yes, and an idea or two on how to place “physical pleasure” on a wife’s list of enjoyable activities. Thanks for your thoughts and ideas.

        • @Bill – For most men, and you seem to be in this group, the primary issue is not about how to get her turned on or even how to get her to want physical pleasure. Unless a woman has some significant sexual abuse in her past, not being interested in sex usually doesn’t have that much to do with sex. It does mean she has not cultivated an enjoyment of sex, but that is not the real issue. When a woman feels a deep intimate emotional connection with a man, wanting to be sexual is a normal consequence.
          So I would say your wife is not feeling that kind of connection. That could be for a number of reasons, many of which would predate you being with her. Working on the emotional connection is probably the way to go. If she is open to this, great. If she has closed down it will be a challenge.
          The bottom line is work to feed her by giving her what she wants and needs. It’s a slow path, but it’s the most likely to get you where you want to be.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Why She Says No to Sex And What You Can Do About ItMy Profile

  3. I like a lot of stuff in this post. My husband and I have actually done a ton of that list, and still do a lot of it when and where possible. The only issue I have here is you write your post like most women would be unaware of or unwilling to do the stuff on this list. I’ve never been able to decide which issue causes this. do you underestimate women’s sex drives that much? Do you really not think there are high-drive women out there who do give their man what he wants sexually? Or am I the oddball among Christian women? Do most Christian women really not do these kinds of things with their husbands?

    • Ha ha, oh my gosh you’re right, Alicia! ? I didn’t even notice that at first, and had to go back and reread to find what you were referring to, that little line, “this means he wants some things you will probably never think of on your own.” I’m not sure Paul is underestimating women’s sex drive (although he’s definitely doing that, too) nearly as much as he’s underestimating their imaginations. It’s not as if anything on his list is so utterly bizarre that you wouldn’t find any one of them listed in your average women’s magazine under advice on how to spice up your sex life. Maybe he thinks Christian women are too “pure” to read such things? ‘Cause they’re really, really not.

      You can’t be that unusual among Christian women, given that there’s a whole category of Christian books dedicated to helping Christian women with their sex lives. Not to mention the blogs. And the Christian romance novels, God help us. These things wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t a market for them. You, a Christian woman, are hardly alone in the desire to please you husband. As for having a high sex drive, you don’t have to be unchristian to have one, anymore than you have to be religious to be low drive. No, I believe you are perfectly normal in that regard.

      Your comment just made my day, BTW. Thanks for that! :)

      • @Amazing Ace – Why would this be about sex drive? It’s not. And I am aware some women have strong drives.
        I realise there are secular sources that share the kind of things I have listed here. Some women don’t like those type of resources, and it’s not just Christians women who feel that way.
        I’m thrilled for you and your husband that none of this was eye-opening to you. I hope it has given some of the other women ideas that will be eye-opening for their husbands!
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Don’t Focus on the Fight, Go DeeperMy Profile

        • I did not say it was about sex drives, I said it was about underestimating of women’s imagination. Alicia was the one who asked you the question about whether or not you thought women had such low drives, not me. I mean, I’m sure she’ll see your answer to her question just the same, but it really ought to have been directed at her, and my comment (which was written in response to hers) addressed separately, rather than jointly in such a way that makes me unsure if you realise that we are, in fact, two distinct individuals. :-)

          I know, not everyone likes to read those kinds of magazines, and that’s a-okay. My point was that the suggestions on your list are fairly tame, in the grand scheme of things, my apologies if that wasn’t 100% clear. You wouldn’t have to read a woman’s magazine to have heard of or imagine most of them; you could get the idea to try them from books, or movies, or TV shows, or talking to friends, or ANYWHERE. Because they aren’t so strange, really; it’s all pretty standard mainstream stuff people do to spice things up. Even if Christian women somehow haven’t heard or thought of anything else on your list, they will at least be aware of the concept, however vaguely, of sexy lingerie. I hope that clarifies things a bit.

    • I don’t know if Paul is directly saying that women don’t have sex drives IF they don’t do these things. In my case, my wife just doesn’t think sexually. And doesn’t want to by her own admission! Her drive is (most likely) normal, but she is totally unaware that most/all of this list would exist in a marriage, much less be instigated by the wife.

      Let me address a few:
      -She would think a day of sex would be a waste of time. (Why do the same thing over and over?) She doesn’t know how to fill more than about 30 minutes when it comes to sex. She has no sexual imagination. And the idea of any couple never leaving the room on their honeymoon was silly to her. Couples need to ‘site see’ while away, not spend a lot of time on sex.
      -She thinks oral is gross (either way).
      -She says touching herself does nothing for her (and may even be inappropriate for Christians).
      -Impractical clothing is a waste of money.
      -“A dozen positions!” 1-2 is enough
      -No quickies heading out the door. She must clean up so there is no odor.
      -She couldn’t write (or phone) something sexual. She has said she doesn’t know what to say. (I have tried to coach her into phone sex while we are apart, but she just can’t do it. I’m serious. She just can’t. I laugh more than get turned on.)
      -Flashing her breasts. Why?
      -Playing with nipples, not going to happen. Hers or mine.
      -Going panty-less. Nope.
      -Even during sex she can’t/won’t talk.
      -(not on list but I’ve asked) Trying for multiple O’s for her. She doesn’t believe it happens.

      So I can’t say if you are an “oddball” or not. And I don’t know about “most” Christian women. But on her own, my wife wouldn’t think about, much less do 20 of the 21 things on this list. (We have had sex in a shower, but it was un-inspiring.) I tried a few things as newlyweds, but years later she told me she went along just for me, on her own she wouldn’t desire them, and she really didn’t enjoy them. Ouch! So now I don’t ask at all, I know what the underlying attitude is and it ruins it for me. I hope you both know how blessed you are.

    • @Alicia – A lot of women have no clue about how men work sexually, so even if they wanted to come on to him they would not know how. This is independent of sex drive, although I would think a woman with a high drive would be better at trial and error and finding her way.
      Yes, there are women who give their husbands all he wants. Not all of them are high drive, some just like blessing him.
      I’d say most women, Christain or not, don’t do most of these things. Christian women are more likely to be uptight about sex so as a group I would think they do these things even less.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Don’t Focus on the Fight, Go DeeperMy Profile

  4. Thanks for responding, all. I appreciate it. Eric’s post is why I sometimes feel abnormal for a Christian woman. Most Christian women I talk to are like Eric’s wife, and Paul, as I have given this post some thought, my guess is you’re writing to those kinds of women…those who would really be stepping out of their comfort zone to do any of this. I know that’s more common in the Christian community, and it makes me sad.

    • @Alicia. Your last line “more common in the Christian community, and it makes me sad.” speaks volumes and (in my opinion) is why the number of blogs/websites have increased. It is sad to me as well. God designed our bodies, the pleasure we can share and the groom/bride/Jesus/church picture. We have such freedom within the boundaries of marriage. I waited for marriage looking forward to enjoying that freedom. Now I’m not saying I’ve lost hope, for our God is the God of hope, but many years in our marriage have passed and we can’t get those back. So I try to encourage the young people getting married in our church to ‘enjoy the (spouse) of your youth’ and ‘to let (them) satisfy you always’. You can do that too.

      As an encouragement to you, I know one Christian woman who seems to have a healthy approach like you seem to have. (I know her husband very well and he hints at a lot of fun in their marriage.) And I’m close to some other couples in our church where the wives are open to sexual jokes and innuendo. (subtle, not over the top or inappropriate) So take heart, you are not alone. Continue being a blessing to your husband and he to you.

      • @Eric – Lori and I have been talking to Christians about sex for 20 years this fall. It’s gotten way better in that time. Still a long way to go, but we are moving in the right direction.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Why Flowers MatterMy Profile

  5. Pingback: Best Christian Sex Links of the Week | Married Christian Sex

  6. There are a lot of useful points on the list. One of the most useful is actually below the surface.

    That a husband and wife will freely discuss their sex life is a great additional to their romance.

    Many coupe hide within their mind “hoping” their spouse will somehow “find out” what they want to do sexually and launch a full on experience of excitement. NOT!

    Again – Thanks Paul!
    Jerry Stumpf recently posted…Growing apart? Stop it dead in its tracks!My Profile

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