How does pornography make you feel?

How does your husband looking at pornography make you feel?

I got to thinking about this last week when I wrote Time to Be Honest About How Sexual Refusal Feels over on The Generous Husband.

If my wife chose to masturbate to porn rather than have sex with me, I’d be pretty hurt. If she didn’t stop when I confronted her I’d be mad. If she expected me to be patient and understanding while she tried and failed to stop for months to years I’d probably decide she didn’t love me the way she says she does and was never going change. And that would be very bad for our marriage, not to mention any semblance of a sex life we had left.

When I hear women talk about porn, I don’t hear as much about how it makes them feel as I think I should. I think how it makes a woman feel isn’t just a reason for her husband to stop doing it, I think it’s a major reason. Frankly, it should be enough of a reason for him to stop even if using porn use wasn’t sin. I don’t think the discussion should be about sin, if it’s adultery, how porn actresses are treated, or the fact porn actresses are someone’s daughter. That puts it “out there” which invites debate and opinions. Porn use is not out there, it’s part of the couple’s relationship. It’s not something he does on his own, and it very much affects his wife and his sex life.

What would happen if you told your husband how porn makes you feel? Don’t tell him what it means about him (Your porn use means you don’t want me/love me/enjoy me sexually), tell him how it makes you feel (Your porn use makes me feel unwanted/unloved/not enjoyed sexually). Then be honest with him about how ongoing porn use hurts you and changes how you feel about him. Tell him it causes you to lose respect for him and not want to have sex with him. I’m not saying threaten him; I’m saying tell him the truth. Maybe the truth will help set him free.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate porn!

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