Why Sex Can Make It All Better For Him

I have a confession. I’ve become a bit cynical about women “getting it” in terms of how men think and feel. So when I saw Love Intentionally When Your Husband is Overwhelmed by Kathi Lipp, I clicked on it to prove to myself she had a long list that didn’t include anything about sex.

And I was wrong:

4. Seduce Him Again. Not trying to go caveman here, but sex is — for most men — the best tension reliever. Setting aside some time will do more for your husband than just about anything else.

Why Sex Can Make It All Better For Him

So first and foremost I want to repent. There are some brilliant ladies out there who do get it – probably far more than I think.

Secondly, I want to echo Kathi’s sentiment. Sex is a powerful way to influence a man.

Thirdly, I want to dig a bit deeper into why this works. Sure sex makes a guy feel good. It relieves stress, it relaxes, it clears our minds, and it helps us sleep. But there’s something far bigger at play. When you chase your husband down for sex you’re telling him you care about him, you value him, you respect him. If he’s feeling bad about himself, you wanting sex is saying “I love you, trust you, and support you in spite of whatever is going wrong.”

For example: A guy gets fired unjustly. He goes home feeling horrible. His wife consoles him, then seduces him. Even if he turns down the sex (and if he does she should push a bit) the offer makes him feel so much better about himself. His wife still wants him, he must be okay. You could put all kind of other problems, disasters, or failures in there, the effect is the same. Wanting sex with your guy is the ultimate reassurance that you still love him and you know it’s going to be okay.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ll try to do better! ;-)

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25 Comments on “Why Sex Can Make It All Better For Him

  1. I have to chuckle as in my marriage, it is the opposite. I am a high drive wife, and all the reasons you list about why sex works I can personally relate to. It used to bother me; I am now accepting I am different, and this is not a negative thing.
    And thank you for your honesty!!

  2. I wish this were true in my case. I love my husband a lot. I know my comments may seem like I’m selfish, but honestly, I just wish their were ANSWERS. Reasons why things have to be the way they are, reasons that made sense.

    My question, what if your husband doesn’t want your comfort? What if stress makes him not want sex? What if he is stressed every single day? I have even encouraged him to just let it all go and relax and enjoy us being together. My coming on to him seems to have the opposite effect. It feels like he sees it as one more thing he has to worry about.

    Will I never get this right?

    • We went through a time where sex wasn’t his go-to for comfort and even asking or seducing him was stressful for him. Instead, I found that bringing him his favorite hot beverage fed his soul. Also, in lieu of sex, backrubs helped. Yes, it was “unfair” and sacrificial on my part, but I think it helped sustain and then build our marriage to a point where he found sex and intimacy much more rewarding.

      Right now we are in a sexual dry spell. I feel some old resentment building. This is a good reminder to ask God (and/or my husband) what I can do to feed his soul and build him up.

  3. Thanks for reminding me of the sweet simplicity of men in that arena! I am so happy when I can make my husband feel like the manliest man’s man ever!

  4. B, I posted before seeing your post and I hope I haven’t made you feel bad.

    • @Lynn, no, you didn’t make me feel badly at all. But I do thank you for your kindness! I would never begrudge anyone their happy marriage or their great sex life. I am sincerely happy for you.

      I’d by lying if I didn’t admit I wish things worked this way in my own marriage, but I am very happy for you. Thank you for your thoughtfulness!

  5. Absolutely. If my wife pursues me and goes after me, all is right with the world and I can climb mountains. If not, then I’m left with “Well, if I can’t even please my wife, what’s the point in trying to do more in the world?”

  6. I feel the same as a wife. My husband pursuing me for sex, actually wanting to have sex, makes me feel so very loved and helps to relieve any stress I’ve got going on in my life.

    For whatever reason, sex is not like that for my husband. It not something he seems to need or desire like you describe. Perhaps it’s his age or being really stressed from work, but sex is the LAST thing he seems to want during those times, not something he NEEDS or DESIRES to feel better.

    I love my husband and am trying to accept this is just who he is, but when you’re in starvation mode it’s hard to see past your hunger. ;)
    Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

    • I actually don’t even like sex for itself, but yes, I feel amazing when my husband shows me that he wants me.

      • That’s awesome. I long to know what that feels like, to have my husband show me that he wants me. I wish he could understand how much his pursuit of me sexually (if it would happen) would speak volumes of love to me. He says he loves me often, but it’s not the same as showing it. At least not for me.

        I WISH I didn’t like sex for itself. It would make everything so much easier.

  7. When my husband is under pressure he retreats to his man cave in his mind.
    Sex is the last thing he’s interested in when he’s stressed. He mostly wants to be left alone.
    I try to respect that.

      • Absolutely. My wife assumes the same thing when she senses something is wrong – that I just want to be left alone. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth; I just don’t want to complain to her about my boo-boos.

        If she came to me and said “I know something’s wrong; I don’t care what it is but I’m going to make it *alllll* better,” followed by the removal of some clothing would go such a long way.

          • @Tom & @Nick Peters – Exactly – for men silence and retreating can be an invitation, or at least an opening to see if one’s wife loves him enough to chase him down. Of course, it can also be “I want to be left alone” and sometimes it can be both for one man on different occasions. So yeah, it can be confusing.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…Sex As A Love Language?My Profile

            • It is confusing. So, I will flirt and see if it is accepted or not. This requires some big girl panties because I may face a rejection in varying forms from “no thanks” to sarcasm or grumpiness used to push away. I used to crumble and think, “if he loved me he wouldn’t treat me this way, especially about sex,” but I have since learned human emotions, and men, can be more complicated than stereotypes tell us. It isn’t about me. But, it would be unloving of me to retreat and never again test the waters simply because I didn’t like the way he rejected my offer.

  8. Totally nailed it man. 25 years ago, I made some very bad business decisions and had to go out west to talk to investors and answer for them / make it right. It was a very scary time. Before i left, she handed me a scrap of paper that said, “To the sexiest, most wonderful husband God has ever made. I love you, hurry home and remember, Screw it, God Reigns” It told me that even though I had messed up, she was still on my side and thought the world of me, and that together with God, there was no situation we could not get through. I still carry that note (now laminated) in my wallet to this day. For most men, the most powerful, visceral way a wife can show her love for her husband is to express it through honest physical desire. God put that in us. (and your Desire shall be for your husband) And if we know that you love us, and desire us, there is nothing on this earth that can stop us!

  9. There have been times when my dear bride was not feeling physically well, but still chose to bless me in this way. But sometimes as a prerequisite she will remind me of how well she’s not feeling when I already understand. I’m not sure if she just wants me to appreciate her sacrificial effort all the more, but it usually makes me feel like a louse for letting her bless me. I’ve struggled with how to respond in those situations. Does she want me to stop her? Do I just smile, hug her and thank her?

    • Maybe she wants you to know that’s how much she loves you – that she wants to bless you even when she’s not feeling it?

    • Perhaps you could say, “I can see you aren’t feeling well and while I appreciate you wanting to bless me in this way, I’d rather wait until you feel better so we can both enjoy our time together.” Who wouldn’t rather make love with their spouse when they are feeling well? I know I would!
      But if she then insists on continuing I guess you have to decide if that’s really going to make you feel better or not, and choose to either accept her offer or take a rain check.

      Now obviously if you are in a marriage where she is a gatekeeper or refuser, then you may decide this is better than nothing. If on the other hand, you have a healthy sex life then declining a time or two when she is sick isn’t going to be so bad and may actually make her feel respected and appreciated more.
      Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

    • @closertotheheart – I figure we should accept any gift with the assumption it is heartfelt. Rejecting a gift is can be hurtful.
      And, if an offer is not heartfelt, accepting it as if it is should teach the other person their game is not working.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Sex As A Love Language?My Profile

  10. I just want to say thank you for this post. My husband has been feeling​ down and inadequate lately so I decided to take your advice last night. He ended up in tears and couldn’t stop saying “I love you” and “thank you.” He even said “well, at least I’m good at THIS!” Your encouragement couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.

  11. I know this to be true, and not just for men. My husband and I are going through some hard times, not in our marriage, but in other life circumstances that we’re facing together. There are plenty of times that one of us has said to the other, “Wow, I don’t feel like I’m good at much right now, but at least I know I’m good at loving you.” And it’s true, he is, and I take his word for it that I am. Sex is a major comfort to each of us as we face hardship right now. When life hurts, it helps us both know that at least we are loved and desired by each other.

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