I’ve written a couple of times about giving grace to a husband who is looking at porn. Some of the comments to such posts suggest I should clarify what I mean by grace.

Christians are fond of talking about God’s grace being His unmerited favour to us. What I’m talking about is along these lines. If you catch your husband looking at porn, he doesn’t deserve grace from you. He deserves to be told off and informed he can sleep on the couch for the foreseeable future. If you give him grace it’s a gift he does not deserve. Likewise, for many other things, one does or fails to do for their spouse.

I think we are expected by God to give grace in such situations. We are to give to people as God has given to us, and in some places the Bible suggests being stingy with others will result in God being stingy with us!

The other thing here is grace is in no way saying “It’s okay”. Grace is given when it’s not okay; if it was okay, grace wouldn’t be needed. Grace also doesn’t mean there are no consequences. 

Done right grace is almost a slap in the face. It’s nice, but it’s undeserved, and that feels uncomfortable if you understand your sin. I think a lack of grace is actually the response some men would prefer many times because it makes them feel they have been punished for their sin. The problem with this is we tend to think being punished gets us off the hook; I did wrong, I was punished, it’s all good. Grace doesn’t let us off the hook, which makes it easier for God to deal with the sin.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m deeply grateful for all the grace my wonderful wife has shown me.

Great Post: Husband acting grumpy and withdrawn? You can change that! | Shaunti Feldhahn – You just might play a part in his being grumpy.

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