Privacy And the Things We Hide

An interesting but not surprising thing that came out in our How Bad is Porn Use? was how much women hated their husband lying about porn. In fact, lying about porn use was rated worse than going to a strip club, and second only to having an affair.

Lying destroys trust, and when trust is gone a marriage is in trouble.

Privacy And the Things We Hide

What I want to address today is the supposed line between privacy and lying. It seems a lot of folks think they have some right to privacy, even with their spouse. The thought behind it is not mentioning something is okay because it’s not lying about it. Some things are private, none of their spouse’s business, and that’s just how it is.

What gets me is how many men have told me they never lied about their porn use. She didn’t ask and he didn’t tell. I doubt any of these guys got a pass from their wife because they didn’t technically lie, and I don’t think they should.

Privacy is often another word for secrets, and secrets are a dangerous thing. Most affairs started with a few secrets. Of course many guilty of this would argue they’re not keeping secrets, they just don’t volunteer every detail of their life to their spouse. I think that’s just another example of trying to create a line where none exists.

I realise your husband may have no interest in much of what you do (and I’m sorry about that), but that doesn’t give you a pass. I think we all know the things we need to be sharing. When we stop sharing those things, something is wrong and trouble is knocking at the door.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and it’s pretty difficult to have secrets living in an RV next door to family!

Great Posts:
Q&A with J: How Do I Get My Husband to Do What Turns Me On? | Hot, Holy & Humorous
Leading in the Marriage Bed | Awaken-Love

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6 Comments on “Privacy And the Things We Hide

  1. Interesting serendipity for me, Paul, because I’m running into another kind of secrecy…just how much do I tell my wife about how badly I’m doing, physically?

    One might think she could see it, but that’s an incorrect assumption, because I do my best to mask symptoms by carrying on with my duties with vigor that I don’t feel, and a cheerful demeanour (which is honest).

    When she’s in a good mood, I don’t want to ruin her day by telling her how much pain I’m experiencing.

    Hard to know what to do, sometimes.

    • @Andrew Budek-Schmeisser – Yeah, very male to say “it’s just a flesh wound” and go on.

      I suspect a bit part of it depends on the woman.

    • Silly question, but have you considered asking her how much she wants to know? Some people would want all the details and be cool about it, some people would ask for the details but respond poorly (worry, smother, pester, whatever), and some would prefer not to know if there’s nothing they can do (or would prefer not to know if that is what you would prefer).

      Asking kind of keeps that from being a secret — you have let her know that this is a thing which exists and are giving her the choice of how to approach it.

  2. It’s easier to think of things as hiding instead of lying because lying makes us question our character.

  3. I confessed my porn use to my wife but not how much. I now I am a disgusting person but it is so hard for me to confess. Last time I did it she got sad and angry. I said I wanted to change. She didn’t mention it no more and I fell again and was to afraid to tell her
    Anymore. I already feel awful and to know she is angry and sad again just leads me
    Right to it again. But it also kills me not telling her. I wish I could change but I am
    So stuck in this. I hate/love it and can’t get free. I am trying to find a therapist ao that I can start becoming free. I have then planned to tell my wife because I don’t think it helps telling her now. She will get even angrier, sadder and that won’t help. It will just make me stray away from her. Especially since I have already started to do it because I think part of this problem is that I realized I married her for all the wrong reasons and am having a hard time to love her like I should. I feel really chained and lost right now.

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