Want Some Ravished Sex? You’re Not Alone

Years ago Lori and I were meeting with a woman about her troubled marriage. For some reason, she told us about the time her husband “took her” sexually. This was a bit of a shock as neither of us would have pegged her as particularly sexual or willing to be open about her sexuality. She was appropriately vague, but she made it clear he didn’t ask, he just did. She was also clear it was, in her mind, the best sex she had ever had. The only problem was he never did it again.

Want Some Ravished Sex? You're Not Alone

I used to think this desire was a result of reading too many “bodice ripper” romance novels, and I figured it was one of those fantasies that sounds good but doesn’t play out well. I must now stand corrected on both counts.

We did a survey on this a while back, and the results were very interesting. I should note our survey population is more sex-positive than the average church going woman, so that has some effect. For the most part, our respondents are church going; in this survey, only 2% of the women indicated they were not Christians, while 75% said their faith was a big deal to them.

Half of the women had experienced their husband taking them. Of those, 4% stopped the attempt, while the other 96% went with it. Of those who have been ravished, 63% said it was very good, and an additional 18% said it was the best sex ever. Another 6% said it was good, but not great. Only 2% disliked it, with another 1% saying they hated it. 

What was really interesting is how being ravished changed women sexually. Forty-five percent said it made them want sex more, and 41% said it caused them to enjoy sex more. Forty-four percent said it made them see themselves as more sexual, and 48% said it made them see their husband as more sexual. Fewer than 5% of women expressed any negative effect from being ravished.

A majority of the women said they wanted to be ravished or ravished again. Fifty-four percent said “Yes, please!” and another 18% were willing to try. However, men were less given to wanting to try it. Forty percent said they would love to try it, and 17% said they were willing. Nearly a quarter were concerned about how their wife would take it.

If being taken sounds like fun to you, I suggest you tell your husband. Discuss what it might look like, and when you would and wouldn’t be open to it. Once you established some ground rules, tell him you hope he will take you some time, and then wait and see.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and the things people share with us.

Great Post4 Reasons Your Husband Desires Your Orgasm | The Forgiven Wife

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34 Comments on “Want Some Ravished Sex? You’re Not Alone

  1. We live in a world in which this can be very close to assault / rape (e.g. charges and jail) if she changes her mind after the fact. It would also seem to violate the spirit of how the new testament encourages men to deal with the wives (e.g. gently, weaker vessel, etc.)

  2. I don’t know if I could ravish my wife or not – I have an extremely hard time hurting/using women just for sex.

    She is very religious and so am I, but I love consensual sex.

    She is a very strong willed woman and I am a very passive man – you know – go with the flow. I just happen to have a strong sex drive and her’s is real low.

  3. The trouble with ravishing is there can be such a fine line between doing it right and doing it wrong, with it being SO much easier to end up on the wrong side vs. the right side of that line.

    The one time I took my wife that it worked out, it was completely spontaneous. But there have been a few other times that I tried to plan it, and it was very awkward. In fact, I remember once my wife asking, “What are you doing??” and I was so humiliated by the way she asked that question that it shut me down, mood completely lost.

    Maybe some husbands can do this intentionally, but not this one.

  4. What needs to happen in order for this activity to not cross the line into assault/abuse/rape, is to discuss safewords beforehand, whilst one is discussing the other ground rules. A safeword should be something simple, easy to remember even if one is in great distress, but not something one might say ordinarily during sex (and thus be mistaken for roleplay). “Red light” is a good one, which obviously means “stop what you’re doing IMMEDIATELY,” as is “yellow light,” which could be used to indicate “Unsure about this, but proceed with caution (or go slower), you might have to stop momentarily.” And, of course, “green light” would mean “After consideration, I find that I’m OK with this, you may proceed with/resume what you were doing.”

    And she needs to be able to trust ABSOLUTELY that you will stop whatever you’re doing the moment she uses the “stop” safeword. It’s not optional. This kind of sex is good if (and ONLY if) everyone involved has given full consent beforehand, and feels safe enough to trust that their partner will respect whatever boundaries have been laid out. Otherwise, yes, you could very well cross the line inadvertently. That is a valid fear, and a good healthy one to have, I think. This stuff IS dangerous, and SHOULD be handle with care, not unlike fire. But, if one has taken ALL the necessary precautions and everyone is on board with it, there is no reason I know of why this can’t be incorporated into a healthy Christian couple’s sex life.

  5. Might aid discussion here to define “ravished.” Does it mean having sex without agreeing verbally first? Does it mean forcing her while she screams and cries “no!”? Since the presidential election, sex triggers traumatic memories for me. If my husband ever tries to “take me”, he will likely end up in the emergency room.

  6. Speaking as another XY (from years in a sexless marriage as well) I have some interesting reactions to this post.

    1) I agree with Nire that this kind of thing can intersect with questions around consent and assault. Perhaps in a similar vein to Amazing Ace’s comment, this kind of sexual activity seems to me to fall under BDSM in some ways (perhaps this is the mildest form of BDSM). Like Amazing Ace suggests, this sort of activity needs a measure of preliminary discussion so that it can be engaged in properly while still preserving and respecting the need for consent and safety.
    2) I sense a certain kinship with Art — I don’t know that I am much for doing this myself. I like and want her to give me the positive cues that she wants me to continue. I don’t want to ravish her, though I probably could “play act” the ravisher if she were to ever communicate such a desire.
    3) I note that it seems that the main point of your post is to “normalize” this idea — to show that it is fairly common among women. In secular literature, I frequently see discussions around “rape fantasies” and how common they are among women. I don’t see that your survey tried to make a distinction between rape fantasy and this idea of ravished sex. It is interesting how common the rape fantasy seems to be among women, even though it is pretty clear that women do not want to really have non-consensual sex. Do you think your survey made and adequate distinction between women who fantasize about being ravished and those who really and truly want to be taken?
    4) Flipping this around, after years in a sexless marriage, it is hard not to say that I would be pleasantly surprised if it were turned around and she took me.
    5) I am reminded of the chapter in Dr. Schnarch’s Passionat Marriage about “Doing and Being Done”. He suggests that it takes a certain amount of differentiation to really “do” your spouse and to allow yourself to “be done” kind of like you are describing here. Perhaps this is part of why it is a common fantasy or desire, but less common in actual practice.

  7. To me, when I hear the word ravished I don’t think of forced sex, rape, although I do understand it can mean that. In a loving marriage, I think more along the lines of passionate desire. Like my husband grabbing me or embracing me with passion, kissing me with passion, making love to me with passion. Not force, just extreme passionate desire like he cannot get enough of me.

    One definition I found says to be ravished is being overcome with intense emotion (joy); being filled with intense delight.

    So yes, I would loved to be ravished by my husband — be passionately desired by him.

    • Exactly!! This is how I see it. With all the not so perfect sex life issues we have I gripe about here, one thing I am glad of in our marriage is that the default is yes to sex now. The answer (usually) is yes unless someone says no. We established that consent was automatically given upon “I do,” but we, if course, allow for no or not now. Therefore, there is no force or “without consent” unless someone says no. This opens our marriage bed up to the ability to ravish each other.

      • @Amy @libl – Interesting most of the men are unsure what the word means while you two got my meaning. I may need to add a definition to my post on this for the gents.

        • Just checked, I think I described it well to the men. But it’s interesting how this differs. In the survey several men commented they were unsure of what was meant, but I don’t think any women did.

          • Men have “consent consent consent” drilled into their heads as soon as they hit puberty. They are told to never sexually advance on a woman unless she explicitly agrees.

            Now, they are married to low libido wives and face the dilemma of her not explicitly agreeing to sexual advances because of her libido and he not wanting to come across as a sexual jerk.

            This is why I fight the notion of “asking for permission for sex” in marriage. Sorry, but that permission was given when she said “I do.” I also believe that “no” should be used very sparingly and only in emergency situations. The default is “yes” and the option is “not now.”

            I gave my husband permission to kiss me, hug me, hold me, have sex with me, grope me, fondle me, etc when he put that ring on my finger.

            • @libl – I agree with you on all of that. But there are those who would be unhappy about most of it. Weird world we live in.

            • I’m glad that works so well for you and your husband. I mean, that is great! But it’s unrealistic to think that because it works for you, it will work for everyone else just as well. I think most people like to have a choice in the matter. Take that away, and what is left? Don’t most people prefer their wife or husband to have sex with them because they want to, not because they feel like they’re obligated to because they signed away the right to say “no” when they got married?

              I guess I just . . . don’t see what the problem is. If not asking for consent works for you and your husband, that’s perfectly fine. But that doesn’t work for everyone, and that’s perfectly fine too. There’s nothing to fight against here, it’s just that different things work for different people, and it’s no good trying to push things on others that may not work for them anyway.

              • @Amazing Ace – I see a much bigger issue here – one that goes way beyond sex. When I married Lori I made a number of promises and commitments to her. That included significant access to me – my time, my thoughts, my support, my love, and my body. I don’t have the right to say no to any of those just because I “don’t feel like it” at the moment. Because I love her I push beyond what I feel. I care about her and her needs, and that moves me beyond myself.

                When either spouse stops doing that, in any area, the marriage is in trouble.

                That doesn’t mean I can never say no, but it does mean I will say no only on rare occasions and for good reasons. I think “The default is “yes” and the option is “not now.”” Puts it very well.

                Case in Point: Yesterday afternoon Lori was going for a walk and asked if I wanted to join her. In and of myself I did not, but I knew she wanted the time with me, and I’ve promised her my time. So I said yes, and we went for a walk. I enjoyed the time with her and getting out did me good. It wasn’t my first choice, but it wasn’t bad or a big sacrifice.

                • “That doesn’t mean I can never say no.” Oh, but it does, it does! You said so yourself. “I don’t have the right to say no to any of those just because I don’t feel like it.” Your words.

                  But all that aside, none of that invalidates my point. Again, glad to hear that that works for you in your marriage, but that still doesn’t mean it works for everyone. For myself, at least, I would not desire someone to be with me, to share their love, time, thoughts, and support with me, out of obligation. I would much rather someone choose freely to share those things with me because they WANT to, not because they feel that they have to and have no real choice in the matter. You see? If you have no right to say “no” to something, then your “yes” is without any real meaning. That’s how I see it anyway.

                • Amazing Ace “That doesn’t mean I can never say no.” Oh, but it does, it does! You said so yourself. “I don’t have the right to say no to any of those just because I don’t feel like it.” Your words.

                  Well some of my words, taken out of context.

                  You used the word obligation, which is far too strong. As I said, I made a choice when I married her. That choice was based on me wanting to love and care for her. My obligation is self-imposed because of my love. It’s putting her ahead of myself, which is what love is.

                • It’s hardly my fault if you say one thing, and then in the very next breath say something else that completely contradicts what you said just moments before. Simply pointing out the inherent contradiction is not taking it “out of context.” If your words did not say what you meant them to, do not blame me for misunderstanding them.

                  No, the word “obligation” is not too strong for what I’m describing. In fact, you use that word yourself, when you say that your “obligation is self-imposed” because of your love. The fact that it is self imposed does not negate the fact that what you are describing IS an obligation. You feel you don’t have much choice. You feel that because you love her, you HAVE to take walks with your wife (or other activities) even when maybe you’d rather spend some time by yourself reading a book or something.

                  Which, I mean, there’s nothing inherently wrong with choosing to sacrifice your time in that way. But there’s also nothing inherently wrong with choosing NOT to sacrifice that time, either. Nothing bad would have happened if you’d said, “no, honey, I don’t want to go with you on your walk. I want to read this book instead. But thanks for inviting me, I do appreciate it.” She would understand you needing some time to yourself and declining her request, especially if you’re polite about it. It’s not like you NEVER get to see each other. Your living arraignment is quite small, so I understand. It’s okay to take time for yourself. It’s okay to not make yourself do things you don’t want to do, and it’s okay to do things you DO want to do, when you want to. Both courses of action are OKAY.

                • @Amazing Ace – You took the first half of my sentence and replaced the comma with a period, removing the clarification.

                  Now you are telling me what I think and feel.

                  You don’t need me for this discussion. Have fun!

                • I’m not telling you how you feel, you are telling me. But when I repeat it back to you, suddenly I’m taking it out of context, is that it?

                  You are managing to completely miss what I’m saying. What is so difficult to understand? You’re allowed to do things you want to do, and you’re allowed to not do things you don’t want to do. You have free will. And someone who loves you will respect that, and won’t want you to do things you don’t want to out of any sense of obligation, but rather because you really, truly want to. As I said before, if that works for you, fine. But don’t expect everyone to work the same way as you. That’s all I’m saying.

                  Thank you, I will have fun. Same to you!

          • FYI, I’m a female and I didn’t picture any sort of nonconss sex when I read this either. I was actually a little shocked when I read the comments from some of your male readers about needing to be careful, etc. To me, when I hear “ravishing sex” I think about passion so great it comes before everything else. You come home from work and can’t even hardly get through the door before you’re trying to get her to the bedroom. It’s not drag her kicking and screaming. It’s surprise her when it probably wasn’t really on her radar. One is loving; there’s probably a good bit of laughter. The other is anything but loving.

        • I wonder if the difference is for a couple different reasons:
          1) I am a high drive wife and would love love love to be so passionately pursued/desired/ravished but women who have a lower libido may find this to mean they HAVE to have sex and it only makes them feel like their husbands are after just physical pleasure, kwim?
          And 2) perhaps the men who seem to view ravishing as akin to forcing themselves on their wives have a wife who has a low libido and so a husband in that situation may be hesitant to ravish their wives for fear of being turned down, once again.

          Just a couple thoughts.

          And yes, it’s interesting the difference in response between men and women on this.

          • Amy, please add this thought to your possibilities above: some women find that they are not high-drive, or low-drive, they are responsive-drive. Desire can vary depending on who you’re with and how they act. I had much more desire when DH acted like he wanted me. When he started expecting sex as a given because we were married, and he stopped showing desire for me, then I lost interest. Then he accused me of being low-desire, and not really understanding the dynamics myself at that young age, I internalized his “diagnosis” which only made things worse.

            • If you think about it, if marriage is supposed to represent the relationship of Christ and the church, we only love him because he loved us first. The bride is responsive. Christ is the primary pursuer. Then, when we respond to His pursuing of us, we begin to pursue Him as well.

    • I am positive some of the mixed signals and reactions to posts like this comes from the associations with the word. Libl’s description is right on, as far as what women want. But I remember hearing the word “ravish” as something pirates and Vikings did alongside raiding and looting, just an old fashioned word for rape.

      I think a good way to incorporate this into the marriage bed is for a husband (or wife) to just suddenly ramp up the passion while already kissing in the kitchen or cuddling in bed. My husband will do this and it totally has the effect of making me feel irresistible and that he’s manly and strong, but he doesn’t have to take as much of a risk or wonder if I’m in the right headspace.

  8. Difficult topic, Paul. I’d like to make some observations.

    First is the “Catch-22” I see glaring from the various comments. Many women saying that this helps (or would help) them to enjoy sex more, versus some of the men saying that they would never do this because their wife is low desire. Chicken or the egg? Can lead to a downward spiral.

    Second, it does look like people are reading a wide variety of meanings into the terms “taken” and “ravished.” As others have mentioned, it would be helpful to define this concept better. Sure, there may be some women who have an unusual fetish or rape fantasy. I have a hunch that for more of the women, though, it’s about the husband showing a much higher degree of passion, desire, and assertiveness. It’s not about being forced, used, or having sex against one’s will. It’s about initiations that aren’t a timid, weak, politeness (sometimes just a small step up from begging) which can be a total turn-off. Paul, I know you have issues with Athol Kay, and I don’t agree with everything he says, but I think this is where he really hits the mark.

    I wonder if in some cases it’s the female version of what I see men posting on TMB. Wanting not to just have sex, but to feel desired. I wonder if sometimes men feel the desire for their wife but don’t realize that they don’t really communicate it effectively to their wife.

    I wonder if in some cases it has to do with personality types; those that introvert or extravert their feeling function. Introverted feelers may have difficulty sharing their passion and desire openly. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that our spouse isn’t sharing in our inner experience unless we let them in.

    • I see that Amy and I were posting simultaneously, and have the same take one this.

    • @T – The whole showing desire can also be a problem. Some women see a strong passionate approach as proof he’s just looking for the physical and is seeking from his wife because he’s not allowed to have it with anyone else.

      We have a lot of mess and injury on both sides, and sometimes it clashes rather badly. There is no one-size solution to this.

  9. I think I’m a little confused. My husband never asks for sex, he just sort of makes a move. He knows it might not go anywhere, because we have 4 kids and kind of opposite schedules. If I’m in the mood and the timing is right, we go for it. If I’m not in the mood, he usually knows anyway. If the timing is bad, we wait till later. He never has to “take it.” i think i would be really turned off if he didn’t talk during any of it. I’m not sure i understand what ravishing is, i guess.

    We always have implied consent, but we really are very busy so we usually have an understanding that sometime in the near future, we will be having sex. Like, when he’s home for a few days and we actually have time awake together with no kids. Like, maybe they like being ravished because it takes them by surprise, and that never happens for us because it’s never a surprise. Or maybe my husband is never demanding about it? I would say i ravish him more than he ravishes me.

    Or maybe sex just takes a lot of planning in our house.

    • @Molly – For some couples, sex does take a lot of planning. Maybe for some that is part of the attraction of being “taken” – no planning, no making time, just doing it because you were swept away by passion.

      • Yeah, we tried it, and i personally disliked it. I felt like i was out of control and catastrophic. I have severe claustrophobia. It was actually an immediate turn off for me. But whatever floats your boat. :)

  10. Wooow…Rape never even crossed my mind. I was thinking along the lines of passionate kissing against the wall, taking clothes off and getting lost in the moment….Like “I want you so bad!” Instead of rolling over with a “ya wanna tonight.” Lol However, my husband has taken me and it was great and I wanted him to. So maybe that’s different than a low drive/high drive situation where she really wouldn’t want to or where it brings too many bad memories from a past experience. However, I do think it’s sad that excitement and passion isn’t a more normal part of marriage.

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