Every Man has Two Sex Lives?

My Favourite Five: While Lori and I cruise Alaska, I’m rerunning a few of what I think are my best posts from the first six months of this blog back in 2013 and 2014. 


Recently a gentleman commenting on something I wrote said, “Every man has two sex lives – the one with his wife and the one in his thoughts” (paraphrased). I’d like to tell you he is wrong, but he’s not.

Your husband had a sex life in his mind long before he met you. The hormonal surge that ushered in puberty caused him to start thinking about sex every waking hour. From that moment on, he had a mental sex life. Every sexual thing he saw, read, or did became a part of his mental sex life, shaping and altering it. Even if you were the first girl he kissed, he had a massive mental sex life before you, and it didn’t go away when he married you.

If your hubby somehow avoided porn, peer “sex education”, and teenage sex, his mental sex life could be healthy. Sadly, I’ve not met such a man in the USofA. At best, men enter marriage with a distorted idea of sex; for most, it’s far worse. They want things no real woman wants, and they expect things no real woman can do. They are sexually selfish because their bodies are loud and their “training” tells them women like men who are all about getting theirs. Married sex is a huge shock to men because it’s nothing like what they expect. Shortly after marriage, men decide their wife will never be the woman in their mental sex life. Thus are born his two sex lives.

In his mind © Igor Zakowski | Dreamstime.com

If a man becomes wise with age, he works to merge his two sex lives into one. Doing this is painful because it means cutting away parts of his mental sex life that have been with him for years or decades. It can feel like cutting off parts of his body! Those who don’t get wise, or who find it too painful, tolerate or embrace their duplicitous sexuality. This leads to lust, fantasies about other women, porn use, and even adultery. One common result of a man’s two sex lives is secretly masturbating to fantasies of his mental sex life. Some work to make these fantasies about their wife, some can’t because they know she would never do those things. Some fight their mental sex life, hating it when they fail. Of course, all this hurts his sex life with his wife, and may lead to negative feelings about her.

Please do not take this to mean your husband is secretly a horrible pervert! His mental sex life may be similar to what he has with you, just more frequent. What he wants might not be wild or kinky, just a bit more than he has ever had with you. It’s possible you would be okay with what he has in his mind, he’s just afraid to share it.

You Can Help – Maybe

When a man gives up on his wife being the woman in his mental sex life, he usually stops asking for certain things. He may hint or joke, but he’s not honest about what he wants. This is because of embarrassment, or fear, or thinking some of what he wants isn’t fair to his wife. This drives his two sex lives further apart. 

Opening an honest dialogue about sex with him will help. Initially, he will resist or hold back, but if he learns you won’t hate him (or “cut him off”) for what he says, he should open up. Make it clear you want to hear what he thinks and feels, and won’t judge him. Do be clear, hearing about something he wants doesn’t mean you’re going to do it. At first, he will let out little bits, testing to see how you react. As he gets braver, he may share things prefaced with “I know this is wrong…” or “I would never really want to do this…”. Accept him at his word on these things.

As you get a sense of his mental sex life, ask yourself if you’re willing to participate in parts of it. If you’re sure you are okay with something, just do it, or say you want to do it. If you’re unsure, tell him you are willing to try it to see how it goes. Make sure he understands up front doing something once or even a few times doesn’t commit you to doing it again. Don’t push yourself to do things that really bother you. Pick and choose, and go slow. If you don’t feel up to something he has discussed consider if could try something similar.

Just allowing him to share his mental sex life will make him feel closer to you. If you don’t react with shock or revulsion, he will feel closer and more accepted. What’s more, getting things into the light reduces their hold over him, making it easier for him to let go of things. Adding some parts of his mental sex life to his sex life with you will have a profound effect on him. He will feel deeply loved, understood, and accepted.

If he’s reasonable and his mental sex life isn’t too far out, listening and/or trying will bring his two sex lives closer together. It will take time, but with your help, he may achieve a single sex life.

~ Paul – I’m XY and Lori is my only sex life!

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © Igor Zakowski | Dreamstime.com

Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
Where we’re going Contact us about speaking

63 Comments on “Every Man has Two Sex Lives?

  1. At “Unveiled Wife” it’s been recommended that women interview their husbands about sex. Women are told the answers will surprise them. Men I’ve shared it with said it’s not a surprise. They would answer the exact same way.
    Nick Peters recently posted…Women, Know Your WorthMy Profile

  2. “Married sex is a huge shock to men because it’s nothing like what they expected.” May I venture the same is true for a good many women.

  3. Wow. Wish I hadn’t read this. Posts like this caused a lot of trouble in my marriage. Having my eyes opened to the fact that my husband never truly loved me, never found me good enough, always found me lacking, and was always on the look out for the next best thing, really hurt our marriage – and our sex life, which was previously healthy.

    Telling me that my husband has two sex lives – the one he has with me, and then the one he REALLY wants, with better women – is not the best thing to tell me. I know the truth hurts, but is it really wise to slap wives in the face with this information? It doesn’t exactly boost my sexual confidence.

    Coupling it with a cartoon of a man with his arm around the wife he feels he got stuck with, while fantasizing about the woman he really wants is even more of a slap in the face.

    It kinda makes me want to give up. Like why even be married if he will never see me as any more special than other women, and if he sees me as far less than younger, prettier girls.

    But this time, I’m not going to dwell. We have been slowly rebuilding our intimate life together, and I’m going to pray about this and try so hard to believe him when he says he loves ME – and forget about all the better women you’re telling me he wants to jump into bed with. Even if he does, me dwelling on it only hurts me.

    Sorry Paul, I like you, but I hated this post. No wife likes being reminded she will never be good enough.

  4. @B – Your comments don’t mesh with what I posted. I think your past is colouring it to fit your fears.

    I am dedicated to trying to share the truth, even when that truth can hurt. But this post does not mean men are not happy or satisfied with their wives. Most men are far happier and more satisfied than their wife will ever believe. Yes, there is a struggle, but the vast majority of men make the right choices and do well.

    BTW, I would say most women have the same thing going with romance. There is what they wanted based on exaggerations and lies, and then there is a reality.
    Paul Byerly recently posted…Easy Daily Prayer CalendarMy Profile

    • Maybe. It’s quite possible that my past and my fears are coloring the way I understand this. So for now, it’s not worth arguing about.
      Thanks for replying.

      But I will never understand how man can simultaneously have this struggle AND claim to love their wives. That I just cannot wrap my female brain around.

      • B. If I could jump in here, men have this struggle because we’re fallen human beings. We all struggle with sin. We’re thrilled with our wives though if we’re good Christian men because we realize the gift we have been given. I don’t post on Facebook on Sundays, but every other day of the week I’m posting how much I love my wife.

        Now if you’re a Christian, which I’m going to assume you are, then I’m going to take your statement to make a point. “How can men have this struggle AND claim to love their wives?”

        How can any of us claim to love Jesus AND still have struggles with sin whatsoever?

        Perfection is too high a requirement to ask for anyone and if one asks it for another, they need to see if they fall short any themselves. When I feel wronged by my own wife, I often ask how I treat God for comparison.
        Nick Peters recently posted…Men. Avoid Porn.My Profile

        • Nick, I’m not asking for perfection. And I’m sure if sinned against my husband a bunch. But not by walking around looking for someone better to share the most intimate part of myself with. And then claiming to love the one I pledged my heart to, while longing for someone better.

          I’m just not sure why any man would claim to love any woman, and then have an active sex life in their mind with women they love even better and desire far more. If you desire other women more than your wife, I do not feel you ever really loved your wife. (And I don’t mean you as in you personally, but you as in any given man who feels that way.)

          If my husband wants a mental sex luge with women he thinks are better than me that I could never hold a candle to, then why be married? Why not just Dutch me and go get what would really make him happiest?

          • Oh my! That should say “sex life” not sex luge! Guess I shouldn’t be posting at 1 am!

          • B. For myself and many Christian men, we do NOT desire this. It is called temptation. James makes it clear that temptation is not a sin. We would love to shut off this part of ourselves and be able to focus entirely on our wives. It does not mean that we are actively desiring and wanting to desire another woman. We don’t. It does not mean that we are longing for someone better. I think you are reading too much into this. For myself and other guys, this is something about ourselves that we do not like at all. We strive every day to be committed to our wives. I run a group on Facebook for men who are Christians and married, engaged, dating, and hoping to date and marry, and these kinds of issues are common. Men want to be pure to their wives even in their thought life.
            Nick Peters recently posted…Men. Avoid Porn.My Profile

            • Nick, thanks for explaining this – it is helpful. Because so often I read these posts as, sorry ladies – but no, you’re not good enough, you can’t compete, you’ll never measure up, and that’s why he spends so much time being tempted and longing for the next best thing.

              And that is crazy hurtful.

              So it’s helpful to hear that good men don’t want it to be this way. Because before you explained that, I was honestly wondering why men even get married at all.

              • B. I married my wife just two months before I turned 30 and 1 month before she turned 20. I’m in ministry. I’m a Christian apologist. I have my own ministry and podcast. We were entirely pure and virgins when we married. We both have Aspergers. My wife has schizophrenia, paranoia, and has struggled with suicide and cutting both, but she is my delight and reward. She is the person I love. Only Jesus ranks above my Allie. I call her my Princess. Every day except Sunday when I’m not on Facebook, I post something publicly about how I love her and post a marriage meme for her.

                And yet I struggle.

                Why? Because I am a man and I see many women out there and I don’t want to really see them. My eyes and body just still work that way. I am very visually stimulated and I am tempted by what I see and I do not like that. I have to train my mind to focus on my wife. It is a struggle at times. C.S. Lewis once said bad men don’t know what it’s like to wrestle with temptation because they give in. Only good men know what it’s like. The struggle is indeed real.

                And why do I struggle? Because I don’t love. No. Because I love immensely. There has even been a time when my wife woke me up in the middle of the night scared silly because of a hallucination. Did I complain? No. We prayed together and then I just held her for an hour or so until she calmed down and we went back to sleep. The next day I got on Facebook and for my statement of love posted about what an honor it was to get to be the man she could trust on when she was scared.

                When guys talk about a struggle, we don’t mean we really want to desire other women. We just mean that is the way we are. If you meet a man who is good and faithful to the woman he loves, it’s real. I tell women that if you want to know what it’s like being in a world full of attractive women all around you, just picture going through the ice cream or chocolate aisle of the grocery store when you’re on a diet. If you can picture that, just amplify it a bunch of times and you have what we go through.

                And yes, I love my wife.
                Nick Peters recently posted…The Church Does Not Exist For YouMy Profile

                • Nick, thank you for taking the time to explain this. I have NEVER heard “the struggle” explained this way before. If it has been, I have either not read it or not understood it.
                  You are telling me the struggle is that men DO love their wives and WANT to desire their wives most, and to keep their focus on the wife they DO love?
                  For years I have understood (perhaps incorrectly) that “the struggle” for men was not having what they really wanted, longing for the next best thing, having their wives “be in the way”. I thought the struggle was having so much eye candy, so many desires (that they saw as far more worthy of their time and attention than their wives), and the feeling of being “stuck” in marriage.
                  Your explanation is incredibly helpful, and I wish someone had explained it clearly long ago, it would have saved my marriage a lot of heartache.
                  For years I slept on the couch most nights so my husband wouldn’t have to be stuck sleeping next to me. He hated this and claimed it really bothered him that I wouldn’t sleep in bed. I thought he was lying to make me feel better. Because from what I’d been reading on marriage blogs, all men were always seeing, desiring, fantasizing, and longing for any woman they found better than their wives. Who was I to get in the way of his mental enjoyment of better women? And so I banished myself to the sofa, because I didn’t want to get in his way. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t even deserve to live in the house. My poor husband seemed perplexed as to why I felt so awful, but this is the harsh truth I took away from the Christian marriage blogs I was reading. There’s even a couple books written by a female author that are all about how much your husband desires better women and how wives just have to accept that’s how it is.
                  I wish I’d heard your explanation a LONG time ago. It would have saved a lot of heartache.

                  • How utterly awful! I find that just horrendous to think about! Yes. The sad reality is we do desire other women. Not denying that one. I turn on the TV and I’m seeing other women. I walk out in public and I’m seeing other women. I can’t help but notice that they are women and like I said, men are stimulated visually. Add in that more and more in this day and age, less and less is left to imagination. It’s a struggle. That’s why I compare it to a woman on a diet going through the ice cream section. On some level, she does want that ice cream and it is a huge temptation, but on a greater level, she wants a successful diet all the more.

                    A good Christian man wants to honor his wife above all, but that in no way means he is never tempted. Of course, there is the flesh that always says “Don’t you wonder what she looks like under all those clothes?” It’s why I strive to follow the Mike Pence rule as well. I watch closely the women that are in my life. Some I don’t fear as much since they’re like mother figures and such to me, but many times, I live with caution. I have a wife I want to honor and it will do no honor to her to cheat on her.

                    By the way, women can do something about this for their men. They might not like to hear it, but it’s simply be there. Have sex. Stay in your husband’s mind so much that way that it makes it harder for him to be tempted. After all, if you’re giving him immense joy at home, he’s less likely to look elsewhere.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…The Case For Christ MovieMy Profile

        • @Nick Peters – Thanks for dealing with this so well. The fact we struggle with something means we don’t want to be that way! Those who want to be this way don’t struggle.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…A Marriage (Bed) SecretMy Profile

  5. Just knowing a husband has two sex lives is somewhat intimidating.
    I think we probably all know it on some level but try not to think about it too much.

    I wonder how husbands would feel if that cartoon depicted a man with his arm around his wife but instead the wife had a bubble filled with a tall muscular tanned hunk and she had a dreamy grin on her face?
    How would a man feel just knowing his wife had visions of doing things with some body- building sexy man. Would he ever volunteer to try those things knowing she might be thinking of her dream man while he clumsily fumbled as he tried?
    Would men feel a wee bit threatened knowing their wife had a secret sex life that they could never possibly live up to?

    Even if the husband makes the right choice, just knowing those thoughts exist is somewhat unsettling.
    I don’t always appreciate reality.

    • Jolie, you’re right, husbands wouldn’t like that if their woman thought about other guys sexually. I wouldn’t love that. But there would be an awesome other side to that coin for us men. It would mean that women would think sexually about men more. It would mean that women might hit on guys more. It would mean that us men would feel sexual desire and not just ignored by women as we walk about our day. I would make that trade, or at least I would try it for a while.

      • Imagine this instead of a wife having sexy thoughts about another man:
        Women might do this on their expectations of their husbands as fathers and daily partners: Before I was married I imagined that
        “He would have endless energy to help around the house, and endless patience with the children, and is also ‘just knows’ what romantic thing to do. He always thinks of my comfort and happiness. We’d never disagree because we are so connected”

        Imagine if she had those expectations, and didn’t adjust them!
        Someone writing an article “your wife has a secret partner” would sound like she wished she was married to someone who seemed to perfectly embody those impossible standards — that she respects other men (real or imagined) more than you.
        Just an alternate view to show how this concept can feel intimidating to a woman. “He has already imagined ideal, and you don’t meet those expectations. Sorry”

        • Eliza, I see your analogy. I’m sure many women had that dream of a guy with endless energy, patience, romanticism. Sure, if she didn’t adjust them, there’d be problems in the marriage. The husband would feel unloved and unrespected. But are you saying that guys don’t adjust their expectations of their physical ideal after they’re married? Unless they marry their physical ideal, they’ve already adjusted their expectations before they even say “I do”! Almost all guys, in marrying a woman, know they’re not just in love with their woman’s non-ideal body, they’re also in love with her personality, her mind, etc.

          Now if they marry and then expect their wife to change herself physically to closely match their physical ideal, and do things in bed they want to mimic from porn, then that’s for the most part wrong, unfair, and even cruel.

          • I agree they should and do adjust and so should a woman. But I’m not sure I want to think about the fact that don’t live up to the ideal. Or the implications that my husband settled but has a dream life that is better than our life. A dream life I can’t provide.
            Just as I don’t think a man would want to think that his wife dreams about an an unrealistic expectations and sighs ” I guess I’ll live with what I settled for” when he comes in the door. A woman doesn’t want to her husband to be thinking “I settled but I secretly long for not you”

            I know my husband loves me and respects me and chooses me everyday. But the article made me feel like he might be thinking I’m not good enough. I am in competition with an unobtainable ideal. “There is another woman and she is an amazing fantasy you can’t compete with) To me, (and perhaps other women) it makes me feel insecure. That is all I’m trying to get across.

          • Tl;dr the idea that I’m not idea and he still wants the ideal makes me feel in competition and insecure

            I’d probably be more okay with “he had expectations about marriage and sex before he met you and he is working to adjust his expectations to be closer to reality while still trying to be true to himself” Instead of “he has another sex life and that takes enough of his energy and brain power to be a whole second life!” (I know that the article was more the top phrase in content but the title, the picture and certain phrasings ex. “it’s like amputating” give it the tone of the second.)

        • Eliza. I hear you on this, but this is where we meet an impasse often. Many men I know tend to agree that their wives were very very affectionate with them before they married and could have sex. Once they marry, they lose that interest. Then it becomes a back and forth.

          “Well, I might have sex with him if he’d get out the vacuum.”

          “Well, I might get out the vacuum if she’d have sex.”

          In all of these the mistake is waiting for the other person to change on both sides. Neither of us can force that. We can only change ourselves.
          Nick Peters recently posted…The Case For Christ MovieMy Profile

          • Agreed. I think all parties involved should be adjusting their expectations while maintaining their sense of self.
            I also agree couples get into selfish downward cycles. “I want me thing and if I got it, is be more willing to give their thing”

            Theory: women were more affectionate before because they weren’t making promises of “sex later tonight” with their affection. Sometimes it feels like giving and receiving affection during the day is writing a check you may not be able to cash. (Another downward cycle. Women could say yes more, and men could give more affection without the promise of immediate sex)

            • Maybe this might sound like a stretch, but maybe men and women should both strive to be the best spouse that they can for their spouse in whatever way. If a husband receives love through sex, give sex. If a wife through cleaning, give cleaning.

              This is making me think of how Boyz II Men sang “I’ll Make Love To You” and Tim Hawkins turned it into the real love song a woman wants to hear.

              Nick Peters recently posted…The Case For Christ MovieMy Profile

              • It isn’t a stretch that the goal is that we should both be living more to please our spouse than ourselves. But we are human so this doesn’t always work perfectly. We are selfish, prideful, worried about how we appear. You are right that we can only work on improving those attributes in ourselves and that we should do so — while showing grace to our imperfect partners. So I’m with you, we should all do better in becoming better spouses.

                *Note (as a comment not an argument)* just cleaning doesn’t do it for all women. Cleaning =\= Sex in my mind. Cleaning doesn’t require feeling vulnerable. In fact, Feeling like a respected partner helps me. (And vacuuming can be a part of that. “You aren’t a maid, you are my partner in life”) Having my husband see me as a confidant and best friend makes me feel closer to him.

                • Agreed. Women can often want a lot more. Believe it or not, men can want more than sex too. We want to be praised in most everything. A man’s constant question of his wife is “Am I good enough for you?” That’s one reason nit-picky criticism can be so hard.
                  Nick Peters recently posted…The Case For Christ MovieMy Profile

                • @Nick Agreed. Husbands can be afraid to “share their hearts” as they say,for fear of being judged or deemed unworthy. Often women sharing their sexuality feel the same way.

                  • Men will regularly make themselves vulnerable by asking for sex. When we get told no so easily, it’s kind of like saying “Sorry. Not good enough.” We can understand “Hon, I’m really busy, but this evening, I would love to do something with you. How about then?” In fact, that can leave us thinking about you all day long.

                    And women don’t need to worry about being judged. The saying I’ve heard is for us, sex is like pizza. Bad pizza is still good pizza. All sex is still good sex.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

                  • Nick,
                    What if your wife doesn’t like Bad Pizza?

                  • Then you have a new issue. It’s that the wife is disappointed in her husband’s performance, but then it’s no longer insecurity about her performance. Both parties need to be open and willing to listen to each other on what they like and don’t like in the bedroom. Different men like and dislike different things. Same with women.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

                  • No, perhaps she doesn’t like sex when her tummy is jiggling back and forth.
                    Perhaps she can’t relax and enjoy the experience despite her husbands grand performance.

                  • If it’s a medical issue, then that is something to work on. Same with a psychological issue. A wife wants a husband to be giving his best to her with helping out around the house and such. A wife should strive the same for her husband. THere’s only one thing I recommend husbands and wives really compete in. Trying to outdo one another in love.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

                • Nick: comments need an agree button! Thought I’m just realizing how it actually hurts a husband’s self esteem. Both sides in a marriage need learn to communicate and buoy each other up. :)
                  There is some bad pizza out there! I don’t want to be the equivalent of my elementary school pizza! That being said, I understand your analogy and know my husband is smart enough not to marry someone he considered “elementary school pizza” quality. :) (But nobody wants hear they are mediocre pizza, even if that pizza is good. :P )

                • On your advice, I’ll keep trying and growing. I also have some personal growth to do along with accepting my husband’s affection.
                  Oh Steve Harvey… (I’m laughing so hard from this clip.) But for we’ll note that “survey says” men would rather die than just do what the ladies thought would actually work. :P (the ladies on the show would like help with their responsibilities, and emotional connection.)

                  • Yes. It is amazing how men and women answer the question differently. Women talked about what they would want in order to have sex with their husbands. Men talked about the extremes they would go to. Household chores don’t seem emphatic enough.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

          • “In all of these the mistake is waiting for the other person to change on both sides. Neither of us can force that. We can only change ourselves.”

            Don’t just wait for the other person to change. You have a right to speak your peace and make them uncomfortable. My wife is quite capable of voicing her dissatisfaction. And when she speaks, I listen. And often I make significant behavioral adjustments based on her direct input. You can’t “force” it, perhaps. But you can definitely apply moral force and verbal persuasion.

            • I agree entirely. You can voice things that they are doing wrong, but the person you can most work on is yourself. When I talk to men alone about their own marriages, they want to talk about everything their wife is doing and I always want to come back to “What are you doing?” If I find wrong behavior with them, I deal with that first. Then we talk about what their wife is doing.
              Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/27/2017: Brian GodawaMy Profile

      • Tom,
        I understand men’s desire for women to be more overtly sexual and to think more sexually about men, but I wonder if that might be a present day phenomenon?
        Our society depicts women as being more sexual and forward but is that a reality?
        Pornography most often depicts women as hot, horny, and sexually available at all times.
        Is this why Men often complain that their wives don’t initiate?
        Because society is advocating more sexual women?

        Men haven’t always desired a sexually forward woman.
        I was reading a book “Perfectly Normal” by the sex therapist Sandra Pertot, PHD. She talks about her practice in the early 1970’s. She saw many couples in which the man complained that his wife was being too aggressive sexually when she initiated. Many men back then were intimidated by sexually forward women. She described one husband who couldn’t get an erection if his wife initiated. Society dictated that women shouldn’t be sexually forward back in the day.
        Today, women are expected to be more sexual in nature. Back then to be more demure.
        Reality probably lies somewhere in between.

        You might like women to be more sexually forward….for a while. Until you started feeling like you weren’t quite enough for your wife. Then you might change your mind.

        Funny, how women don’t want to be considered a sexual object, but men would love to be treated like one.

        • Jolie,

          “Funny, how women don’t want to be considered a sexual object, but men would love to be treated like one.” Except I’m not laughing. This has caused me so much pain in my love. I would give the world to be treated like a sex object by random, strange women. It’s also a reason why I have little sympathy for women who are sexually harassed. Now I’m not talking about groping or workplace intimidation or things like that. I’m talking about regular, non-contact things like catcalling, whistling, ogling, etc. I feel that women who complain of these things are like the millionaire who complains about the high price of caviar.

    • Jolie:
      To add my own experience (that I think connects with yours)
      I am intimidated by the post because I’ve promised to save my nakedness and sexuality with my husband. I’m very vulnerable in this area because my husband feelings on it are my sole outside judgement, even the implications that I’m not enough or living up to expectations hurts my confidence in that area. I have bared myself (mentally and physically) and thinking that my vulnerable sharing it isn’t good enough makes me intimidated and self conscious.

      I’m not here to make excuses,statements, or arguments for other women and their actions. I’m not here to criticize men that are striving to make themselves into better husbands or to minimize their efforts in loyalty. Just a little something to consider on how the idea comes across.

      • My own wife struggles with her self-image and I can assure you that if you have a good and godly husband, he is not thinking that. Any day I get to see my wife’s body is a good day. I do not understand why so many women get so self-conscious when we will do practically anything just for a chance of that intimacy. My wife’s body is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. You could take me to the Taj Mahal, Jerusalem, the Parthenon, the Mona Lisa, Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, etc. Those are all wonderful and majestic sights worth seeing. I would rather see my wife’s body any day of the week.

        Women often seem stunned when I say that, but I think that most good Christian men would say the exact same thing. In fact, it’s a greater turn-on to us and a greater sign of love when you have that confidence to share your body around us. It tells us you know you’re not being judged and you’re confident and you want us to delight in you.
        Nick Peters recently posted…The Case For Christ MovieMy Profile

        • Clarifying Note before I start: my husband does a good job of telling me he loves me and finds me attractive and I’m learning to believe him that he’d rather look and be with me than anyone else. It’s still nerve wracking the on my less confident days to put myself out there. On talking about this article he says that opening up about feelings can be the same for him. I’ve never made him feel poorly but you are putting yourself out there none the less.
          This article turns on my “I knew you couldn’t think I’M was the most attractive.” Crazy button. In that way I think it does a disservice getting the message across. We all have our improvements. Confidence is one of mine. Obviously.)

          I’m gonna blame society on why we don’t believe. A whole world out there says you are not enough example. not skinny enough or not curvy enough, you are not natural enough or you aren’t exotic enough, you aren’t modest enough or you are too frumpy. (And that doesn’t even get into all the life choices of “sahm vs working mom” and parenting decisions judgement) I spend almost all day being told I’m not good enough and attractive enough. It’s easy to internalize that constant pressure and believe it. And then it is hard to believe that a husband going out in the world can believe that I am enough because there is so much MORE out there. Woman better looking, women so sexy and confident. So much MORE.

          (So I’m just trying to say this article reinforces this idea to me. I interpret it as “he came programmed expecting MORE” It kinda set my self confidence journey back. So I’m clearly seeing this through personal insecurity glasses.)

          Thank goodness for good Christian men who genuinely want to throw off the world and channel their love and energy with their wife. :)

          • Eliza. Let me state clearly, and Paul can back me on this because he is a friend of mine on Facebook and he can see what I post. I post something every day on Facebook about how I love my wife so that everyone can see it. I post a meme related to marriage every day. The only exception is Sunday because I don’t do Facebook posts on Sunday. There is an exception to that as well. If anyone dares to be rude and insulting to my Allie on Facebook, I think there’s an unwritten rule people have. Stay out of the way. I will come in there and I will tear that person to pieces and I don’t care who they are. My wife had someone who was a friend of hers once in the military who said he was scared of me because he crossed that line one time and I let him have it. The closest I ever get to pure rage is when someone insults her. I also kiss her every time before I walk out the door or before she does and tell her I love her profusely and have no hesitancy in public even. Everyone knows that my wife is my Princess, which is the nickname I gave her even while we were dating. I’m not a perfect husband, but I strive.

            Now here’s the thing. I also hear about how the rest of the world says XYZ. My response is always the same. I’m not the rest of the world. I’m not them. When I get told by my wife that she wasn’t good enough (Not in the bedroom mind you, we were virgins when we married) for anyone else, I tell her, “And how many of those people married you and have been in your life as long as I have like that?” (We will be seven years this July.)

            You see, when you out this kind of idea in your husband’s head, what you are saying is “You are just like everyone else.” He’s not. In fact, he also thinks you’re not just like everyone else. You’re different. He also doesn’t just see your body. He sees you. He sees the woman he’s come to love more and more as he’s been married and no matter what changes your body has gone through, you still knock his socks off and he thinks you’re more beautiful today than you were when you married him.

            In fact, your husband wants to honor you so much, assuming that he’s a good and godly man, that he will strive to avoid looking at other women. One of the greatest things you can do for him then is to thank him when he’s home by letting him look at you, the one woman he saves his eyes for. He spends all day not looking so he can look at you, and it’s really hard to come home and STILL not get to look at you. I tell women that if you want to know what it’s like, think about being on that diet and walking down the ice cream aisle of the grocery store. You say no because you save yourself for something better than that ice cream. A roll in the hay for another woman might seem fun to other men, but for a good husband, it’s a distraction that doesn’t overcome the lifelong love of one devoted spouse, and he shows that by resisting it. His resisting is his actively choosing you every single day.

            So try this. Go to your husband and base your view of yourself not on what anyone else tells you, but what he tells you. If you treat him otherwise, you’re basically treating him like a liar and untrustworthy, which confirms to him that he’s not good enough. Your husband wants you to be free around him. The best thing a man wants in sex in fact is not the sex itself, but to know that he is wanted in that sex. Turning him down is always seen as a way of saying “You’re not good enough. I don’t want you enough to be vulnerable to you.”

            Really. I think if women could see how much their husbands love them, it would change everything for them.
            Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

            • Haha, I crave and eat the ice cream. I just have to avoid the aisle. (And my husband can’t just hide in the house :P) But yes, I need to do better at not caring what the world thinks. I should care what God and my husband think and solicit their thoughts more often than I ask the world, because neither has ever told me anything but how they think the world of me. I appreciate you being willing to share that view husbands genuinely only want their wives at the end of the day.
              I think, we just want it to be acknowledged that it is the idea on this blog post solely that we’re accusing of making us feel more insecure.

              Also, I usually really appreciate Paul’s frank but thoughtful explanations on this blog. For me, this specific post did more harm than good.

        • Nick,

          I think many women have problems in this area because, like it or not, we are in competition with all the other attractive women in the world. Men (our men) struggle with being visually stimulated by other women. We know that. Hence, we feel we are (consciously or unconsciously) being compared to every other appealing woman he encounters.

          Not only that, but, as the article talks about, we are also in competition with our husbands second sex life. We are constantly wondering what is going through his head. How do we compare? Are we good enough?

          Paul’s article a few days back talked about men’s insecurities around their sexual organs and their sexual performance. Men also worry about keeping their wife happy and satisfied. It’s somewhat similar. If women were sexually turned on by male habitus, and men all walked around in tight spandex, I believe husbands would end up with some heavy insecurities also.
          I’m pretty sure there would always be a spark of self doubt no matter how often the wife reassured her husband he is all she wants and needs. Just knowing that she struggled not to look and struggled not to imagine, and struggled not to get aroused.

          Men struggle with being visually stimulated. Well, their wives struggle knowing the struggle exists. Everyday. Plus, we struggle knowing there is a second sex life that we may never be able to live up to.
          And, no matter how hard we try to keep our husband sexually satisfied at home, how will we ever be truly assured we are enough? No matter how often he tells us, there will always be a doubt, because there is always a struggle.

          How do we gain sexual self confidence knowing what our men are exposed to everyday? We see it too. Our over sexualized society only compounds the problem.

          We are not in competition with the Taj Mahal or the Parthenon.
          We are in competition with our own husbands minds.

          • Understood, but I think if you talked to your husbands about it, when we are with you, there’s no one else in the picture and we are indeed caught up in the moment. What makes it so different is that you are the woman who wants us. What feeds our insecurities the most is not seeing other men so much as not thinking we are wanted. We are caught in a catch-22 as it were. Women don’t want to be with their men because they feel they are not good enough in a competition. Men in turn don’t get to be with their women and then think they are not good enough and thus don’t compare to other men.

            Could it be when one group acts on insecurity, the other does as well?
            Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

            • Nick,
              Sadly, I think a lot of women have sex with their husbands Just Because of insecurities.
              As you mentioned yesterday, the best thing a wife can do to help a husband be less likely to be tempted, is to have sex with him.

              That does not put an endearing spin on sexual intimacy.

              I’m sure that comment meant to express the power a wife has, but for some of us, it only instills fear and increases our insecurities around our husbands sexuality.
              It also puts the emphasis on “the sex” and not on marital intimacy.

              • But here’s the thing. For a guy, sex is the way to tell that there is marital intimacy. You don’t have sex with your husband so that he will be tempted less. You do it because you love him, but that’s just a nice side effect. It doesn’t make sense to say “I’m worried about my husband being tempted, therefore I won’t have sex.”
                Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

                • Again, semantics: I should have sex with my husband because I want to, BUT if I’m insecure and someone says “he is going to stray/be tempted unless you keep him satisfied” it seems like I have to do it to keep my husband faithful. (No matter my feelings. No complaints) Sex becomes a job. And I didn’t get married to became a sex worker. :P

                  • I think there’s a misunderstanding. When I said to help him avoid being tempted, have sex, the reason is you are your husband’s #1 desire among women. No contest. Still, if he isn’t getting his affirmation from you, then he’s more prone to be tempted elsewhere. Now does that mean sex is a duty? Not necessarily. Sometimes it is, but it’s something to do anyway. It’s a duty to change a baby’s dirty diaper. It’s a duty to provide lunches for kids for school when they go. You don’t do important things just because you feel like them. Sometimes, you might not feel like sex, but you should still have it, just like your husband might not feel like having a long conversation or going out to dinner or something like that many times but does it anyway because it means so much to you.

                    If I could get something in women’s minds, it’s that the insecurity often dwells with you. Your husband doesn’t have that insecurity about you. Even if he notices all the “flaws” you notice, he doesn’t care about them. He wants to have you regardless and he desires so much to shower you with his love and affection. Being turned down is a way of telling him in his mind that he’s either not worth it or not good enough.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

                • @Nick – “For a guy, sex is the way to tell that there is marital intimacy.” Not true for every male. – Emphasis on “the way”. My husband does not need sex to feel marital intimacy. I believe this gets way over generalized. I don’t deny many men feel a deep connection between sex, love and marital intimacy, but I think it does a disservice to both men and women when it gets put out there as if it were fact for all, or even most, men. I think this type of statement has the potential to cause marital problems and I’ve seen that in comments on blogs a lot. These types of statements don’t help men who are in sexless marriages. They only serve to make the men more resentful. These comments also put immense pressure on women who struggle with sexual issues.

                  For the record, I’m not condoning sexual refusal or defending the wives who do it. I just don’t think these types of statements are helpful to either party.

                  • K. I don’t know any man who would deny that sex is a major part of intimacy. What I mean is that there is a great connection there. One pastor once told me that sex is the thermometer that measures the temperature of the relationship. Since we both agree that sexual refusal is a problem, then why not return to what was said earlier? Men and women strive to give the best to each other?
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/6/2017: Greg KouklMy Profile

                  • @Nick – You may not know men like this personally, but men who don’t view sex completely this way do exist. Some men can function quite well and feel very loved by their wives without sex. My husband is one of them. He can’t be alone in this when there are approximately 25% of marriages where the husbands regularly refuse sex.

                    “One pastor once told me that sex is the thermometer that measures the temperature of the relationship.” It’s precisely these types of statements, I take exception with because I have lived an alternate truth. I do realize my husband and I are exceptions in this, and that makes me very sad. I think a lot of how we feel about sex equaling love or sex equaling a solid relationship is tied to our belief systems. These types of statements, which are usually presented as facts rather than opinions, can cause people to have negative views of their relationship that they might not have otherwise. It is possible for a man or woman to be in a sexless marriage and to still feel loved by their spouse and experience great intimacy in other ways. If a sexually refused spouse is constantly hearing statements like this by authority figures, it may make them start to feel less positive about the rest of their relationship and make the sexual refusal a bigger issue than it already is.

                    Intimacy takes on many forms in marriage. Sex is only one of these forms of intimacy. When any area of intimacy in marriage is lacking, it will negatively affect the relationship to some degree. I’m not saying sex is not important, but it’s not the only form of intimacy that can positively or negatively impact a marriage.

                    I think we can stress the importance of sex in marriage and the differences in how some men and women view sex without making such broad, generalized statements.

                    When it comes to striving to give the best to each other, we are in complete agreement. And, for that to be possible we have to learn what it is our spouse needs and wants the most so those things can become our priorities. If sex is the most important need and want for one spouse, the other spouse should go out of their way to make sex happen and do their best to make it a wonderful experience for both parities.

          • @Jolie “I think many women have problems in this area because, like it or not, we are in competition with all the other attractive women in the world.”

            But you are NOT in competition with those other women, at least not in the way you think. They are lights that gets out attention, but that does not mean we want them. Many men find the lights an annoyance, or worse. I’d be happy for it to all go away. Lori knows how I feel and she is not at all concerned about me. Frankly, those lights are far more of a frustration for me than for her.

            The ironic thing is a wrong understanding of what I’m trying to explain here actually makes it more difficult for a man to get to one mental sex life. The woman who hides her sexuality because she thinks it’s not good enough actually pushes her husband away.

            By the way, new research is finding women are as easily aroused by what they see as men are – they just don’t register it consciously as well as men do. I don’t know if ignorance is bliss or not.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…How Long Should It Take For A Woman to Climax?My Profile

            • “new research is finding women are as easily aroused by what they see as men are”. Hmmm … did that come from the pages of “Yeah, right” magazine? I’m just trying to be funny – not mean. What studies are those? Can you provide the links? Thanks.

              • @Tom Hillson – My internet connection here is garbage so I can’t dig anything up. There are many studies that show men and women various images and then measure arousal either by genital response or brain scans. These studies find women are aroused by what they see just as men are. But when asked if they are aroused women are far less able to accurately access that about themselves.

  6. My husband, who is well past retirement age, has told me several times that he dated his first girlfriend for 4 years with nothing more than kissing and hugging, that he never tried to kiss on a first or even second date, never read or looked at porn, etc. and that this was the case even before he accepted Christ. He is just a naturally good man, I guess. I love that about him. He only had sex with his late wife and his current wife (me) and I have only kissed/made love with him. I feel badly for young men today who can hardly avoid being exposed to filth and nastiness. I feel sorry for young women, too, for that matter.

    By the way, you can read a hilarious 1900 book on marriage and sex at Project Gutenberg; I’ve been cutting and pasting bits of it into e-mails to my husband on and off during the day. http://www.gutenberg.org/files/33960/33960-h/33960-h.htm

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: