Why He Wants You to Climax Every Time

My Favourite Five: While Lori and I cruise Alaska, I am rerunning a few of what I think are my best posts from the first six months of this blog back in 2013 and 2014. 


The full results of the survey discussed here are on the TMB website. I have numbers below, and men’s comments in a couple of sections (read these and you will hear the heart – and confusion – of the men) but I want to start with some conclusions. 

The Big O © Paul H. Byerly

What your orgasm means about him

Most men feel it’s very important for their wife to enjoy sex. When she doesn’t they feel selfish, and even if they get past that they don’t enjoy sex as much when she doesn’t climax. Many men will try to get their wife to climax even when she has made it clear she doesn’t want it (69% said they have done this). While part of this is pride, it’s also rooted in not understanding how it is possible to enjoy sex without having an orgasm. For most men, that is like saying you enjoyed a meal even though you didn’t put a single bite of food in your mouth.

Those men who have learned to be okay with their wife not climaxing every time say honest, open conversation helped them accept it. This involved not only “I don’t need to every time” but also explaining why she doesn’t want or feel able to climax every time. An explanation of the enjoyment she gets from sex even when she doesn’t have an orgasm was also important. Explaining that feeling pressured to climax makes it more difficult to get there will also be helpful.

Understand that most men enjoy sex a great deal – it’s one of the very best things in life. It’s natural to want to share good things with the woman you love. That’s not selfish; it is the heart of love!

A few facts from the 415 women who took the survey

(Based on previous surveys we know most of these women are sex positive):

How often do they want to climax when they are sexual with their husband.

  • 22% want to climax every time.
  • 35% want to at least 90% of the time, but not every time.
  • 19% want an orgasm 75% to 90% of the time.
  • 14% say 50% to 75% of the time.
  • 6% say 25% to 50%
  • 4% want to climax less than 25% of the time.

The desire to climax at least 75% of the time went up with age

  • 20’s – 71%
  • 30’s – 75%
  • 40’s – 79%
  • 50+ – 80%

Now for the 596 men. 

Has your wife ever told you she didn’t want to climax when you were having or about to have sex?

  • Thirty-six percent have never had their wife say this (this includes 14% who say she wants to every time).
  • Two percent heard it in the past, but not now.
  • Thirty-two percent hear this from their wife regularly, and another 29% hear it on rare occasions.  

How do you feel when she doesn’t want to climax? (Multiple answers allowed)

  • 39% are fine with it. Based on the comments, it is clear many of them had to learn this.
  • 27% feel like a failure.
  • 14% think she really wants to but is worried she’s asking too much of him.
  • 6% feel unloved.
  • The most common added answer in the comments was they feel disappointed. Others said they feel selfish or guilty.

What you think about her not wanting to climax every time?

  • 44% are fine with it.
  • 34% said they believe her, but can’t understand it.
  • 20% said “It’s her body, whatever she wants.”
  • 18% said their wife always wants to climax.
  • 11% said she would want to if she weren’t so uptight.
  • Only 3% said, “Whatever, makes it easier for me.”

Men’s Comments:


  • Maybe I’m doing something wrong.
  • Like I’m not satisfying her needs.
  • I feel I can’t satisfy her, so she’s not satisfied with me.
  • I feel she is not attracted to me or not enjoying sex.
  • I see it as a “nice” way to explain that I’m not likely to be good enough.
  • Feels like I forced her to have sex.
  • If I was more skilled she would want it more.
  • I still question my ability to please her.
  • I wonder why she does not want to make love with me, and if she just wants to get it over.
  • I feel like I failed in foreplay to bring her to the point where she can climax. I feel like I was selfish and shorted her on her sexual experience.
  • I feel disconnected, and dissatisfied.

Not as Enjoyable:

  • I become less aroused.
  • It’s not as fun, and I usually feel guilty, like I’m inconveniencing her.
  • I feel unwanted.
  • Makes me not want to have sex.
  • If sex is “just for me” I would tend to prefer she pleases me orally or manually instead… for some reason I don’t like full intercourse as much when we’re not trying to get her there as well.
  • It makes it feel like a release instead of making love.
  • Makes me feel like sex is a chore for her and she just wants to get it over with.
  • Feel like I am letting her down somehow and I feel like I am missing out on something as well. Odd but I feel deprived.
  • Disappointed. Like I’m using her as a masturbatory toy in a way.
  • Feel as if she sacrifices her own pleasure for mine and must have sex for my pleasure.

Why it Matters to Him:

  • Giving my wife an orgasm is more pleasing to me than my own.
  • I think she doesn’t realize how much pleasure I get from her orgasm.
  • My wife’s orgasms are important to me. I understand that it has to do with feelings of esteem and sexual potency. I also understand that men receive pleasure by giving pleasure. I am pleased when I believe my wife is pleased sexually.
  • I like it more after I please her. It’s the best foreplay for me.
  • I would rather that she climax almost every time because it would mean that she was having as much fun as I am.
  • Although I am trying to change the thought I have always felt that a climax indicated that the sex was good. When she doesn’t climax or doesn’t want to climax it makes me feel like a failure as a lover. I want her to climax so she can get as much enjoyment from sex as I do.
  • It’s usually the fact that she knows I want/need sex but she doesn’t so she basically says “just do it”, which I don’t want… I want love making. 
  • Because my wife has given up on even trying to have an orgasm, that tells me that sex is nothing more than a chore for her. I’ve told her that, but she says that providing an orgasm for me is satisfying to her. I appreciate that, but it hurts me to the core of my being that she does not selfishly desire sex for the pleasure it could bring to her. I so long for her to truly WANT sex instead of simply tolerate it because she knows I enjoy it.

Questioning Her or Upset With Her:

  • I think it sometimes is a matter of it taking too long in her mind. 
  • She must be in a hurry. 
  • Frustrated because I think this should be the normal outcome.
  • Her choosing not to orgasm, makes it OK for her not to work on having a great sex life.
  • I wish she would at least try.
  • I get a lot of “duty sex”. So it’s not surprising she doesn’t regularly orgasm. When she is aroused it doesn’t take too much.
  • She NEVER wants an orgasm, and REFUSES anything except PIV to even try.
  • Not every time, but should be usually… rather than rarely. Is it sexual laziness?
  • If she’d orgasm every time she’d want to have more sex.
  • My wife never has and is fearful of it. I wish she would overcome her fear and experience pleasure that God intended for us to share in.
  • She has spectacular orgasms most of the time w/o much effort so it is hard to understand why she wouldn’t want to.
  • She NEVER wants to, so I have grown numb.
  • I’m concerned that the sex is only out of wifely duty instead of wanting me.
  • She has had only one orgasm in her life (very early on in our relationship pre-marriage). She refuses to even try and has made comments that she is “broken” in that department. Her defeated attitude is very discouraging to me.
  • My wife thinks sex is dirty. She thinks I am a crazed animal. She believes as long as she lays there and lets me “do her” then I should be happy.


  • If she is okay with it I am okay with it.
  • It used to bother me, but she has since explained pretty well why she doesn’t sometimes.
  • She has told me outright that there are times she wants to bless me and concentrate on me because I am the higher drive spouse. I’m ok with that now.
  • The point of lovemaking is the satisfaction of both partners, and satisfaction is relative. It is a joint affair, and particular needs or wants can and often do change as lovemaking progresses. So if one partners satisfaction means that he or she does not orgasm in a particular encounter, I see no trouble with it, as long as both parties understand what that means and why.
  • She enjoys our time together, but doesn’t need to orgasm every 72 hours like I do.
  • I know that her desires are different to mine and I accept that. I don’t necessarily understand but I don’t have to. She also knows that if she asks I am always willing to get her over anyway she likes or she can get herself over during sex if she wants to.
  • Sometimes she has multiple orgasms and she says she is “way ahead of me” if we were keeping score, so it’s ok if she doesn’t every time. (her words, not mine)
  • I used to take it personally. I did not understand when she said she enjoyed being close without it. We are better now – since I stopped pressuring her, she’s freer to climax. Sometimes she even helps herself.
  • I wish I knew earlier that it was somewhat natural for her not to want to orgasm. I chased after it and she began to resent it. She still doesn’t believe that it’s generally ok with me and that I understand. Still, I think that it would be good if she considered it a little more (see I still don’t get it). Once a month is about what she can handle.


  • It was my ego that made me want her to climax every time. It made ME feel better for her to have one.
  • At our age, she always climaxes. When we were younger, she couldn’t make it sometimes, and I was OK with trying again some other night. These days, it is more likely me that cannot make it due to medications.
  • My goal is for her to orgasm every time.
  • I would do anything and spend any amount of time to bring your great pleasure. Sometimes she just isn’t there.
  • I feel selfish for continuing. But she wants to be giving towards me and wants me to climax.
  • She never wants to try and won’t let me stimulate her at all which makes me sad.
  • She says it’s still good for her, but I’d like to get her there.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I understand the pain so many of these men have expressed.

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6 Comments on “Why He Wants You to Climax Every Time

  1. “Most men enjoy sex a great deal-it’s one of the best things in life.”
    I can understand wanting to share such joy with their wife.
    And, being human as we are, it’s natural to assume that other’s experience the same things in the same manner we do.
    It seem’s many men assume that orgasms are just as pleasurable for their wife as they are for them. But, what if they’re not?
    My orgasms were always pretty mild. I could have multiple orgasms but they weren’t anything to write home about. Over the years I resigned myself to the fact that I would never experience those intensely pleasurable orgasms everyone talks about.
    They were also a lot of work to attain.
    Therefore, if I was tired, or not into it, I knew it wasn’t going to happen, and honestly what little pleasure I received often wasn’t worth the effort.
    I never craved an orgasm….I never felt the need for release.
    I’m now post menopausal and haven’t had an orgasm in years.
    I had to tell my husband to stop trying. It was becoming annoying.
    Sex has always been more pleasurable for me without having to reach for the ‘so called’ pinnacle of pleasure. The emotional closeness is much more rewarding to me than my pitiful orgasms ever were.
    So, to all you husband’s out there, just remember, we don’t all experience the same things in the same way. Please believe what your wife tells you.

  2. I think it’s a matter of acceptance on both sides. Her learning to accept where he’s coming from and not getting defensive, but him accepting where she is and not pressuring her. And sometimes a woman can want to climax, but can’t get there. I’ve experienced that, and it was hard enough for me to accept when it happened. It would have been worse if my husband had gotten all freaked out about it. It was because he didn’t that I was able to get past that point, and enjoy orgasms again.

  3. I would be quick to say that my husband does not wish me to climax every time. He does seem perfectly content for me to go weeks, months, and even years without one even though I love to climax. I wish I,could understand more, but he isn’t one to talk about it. I have been working on calming down and putting the hurt aside and taking “trigger posts” like these and thinking rationally about them and my husband.

    One thing he managed to blurt out during an argument about our sex after I pressed him is that he felt I made him totally responsible for my orgasm and expected him to work every time to get me there. He feels if I want to orgasm, I need to be responsible for it, myself, rather than making him do all the work. After all, if he wants to orgasm, he has to do the work of thrusting to get there, whereas I am just the object used (not really object, but I couldn’t think of a better term to convey…provider?). So, if I want to orgasm, I need to get there using my own methods while utilizing him as the provider.

    Of course I offer oral and manual as two ways we can each exclusively give and receive from each other, but he says no. I still don’t understand that and probably never will. But, at least now we both climax regularly and it is “fair.” He isn’t actually being selfish in taking more or asking for more than I get. It sometimes feel imbalanced because it is far easier for him to climax than it is for me, and he won’t provide oral or manual or even foreplay to help bring it about because to him it tips the scales into him giving more and doing more than me.

    So, basically, we have communism in the bedroom. Lol!

    Obviously, his feelings and thoughts matter as much as mine do. He felt used in the early years of our marriage. Sex became work to him and he felt I wasn’t putting in the effort I could have. He didn’t handle it well, turning to refusal, masturbation, and denying me an orgasm for 3 years to “teach me a lesson.” Now, he is excited for sex. Me, not as much as I used to. It is more work for me, but to him that is only fair because it takes more work to get me there. It’s like matching up a 6 foot tall marathon runner with a 4 foot tall marathon runner. It naturally takes more effort for the 4 foot tall one than it does the 6 foot tall one simply because of stride length.

    I suppose the bedroom shouldn’t be about fairness and input vs output. It should be about generosity. We have a boring “balance” that gets the job done for the most part. So, that must be where my prayer focus goes…praying that our marriage bed is about generosity rather than business like equity.

    • @libl – “So, that must be where my prayer focus goes…praying that our marriage bed is about generosity rather than business like equity.”

      I’m so sorry for your situation. Some would say it’s better than many have, and I suppose it is, but it’s not what God intended.

      You have my prayers.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Still Doing SabbathMy Profile

      • Thank you, Paul. And that is exactly why my name is livinginblurredlines (libl). My husband is expert at staying in what I call, “the easily excused gray areas.”

        It isn’t horrible, or even bad anymore. Just the other day, instead of teasing or berating me for how I am, he approached an issue with such gentleness and understanding that my heart soared. So, he is learning, he is growing, and so am I. So, praise God for that!

  4. The times I have not climaxed with my partner is because I feel rushed or am not fully relaxed enough to experience the arousal build-up that is necessary for me to climax. I also don’t ever climax from PIV…and my research shows that about 75% of women generally don’t, either. I need oral or manual stimulation to climax. And that is only after an appropriate amount of foreplay. Kissing me and immediately putting his hand between my legs doesn’t work. He is often in such a damn hurry to stick it inside me. If he would slow down and take a little more time to kiss me, touch me in a no -sexual way…I would probably not struggle to climax.

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