His Sexual Fears

You know the unrealistic expectations the world and porn puts on your sexuality. But have you ever thought about the unrealistic expectations put on men?

  • Most references I see to the “average penis size” are 20% to 35% percent larger than what is the real average size.
  • Men are expected to have total control over their climax and to be able to last as long is it takes her to climax.
  • Men are supposed to know how to turn a woman on – even if the woman has no clue what arouses her.
  • A man is expected to get an erection on command and keep hard indefinitely.

Then there are the lies that go the other way:

  • He should be able to ignore sex until his wife wants it.
  • Men are oversexed brutes.
  • His desires are all perverted.

There are plenty of other lies, but these few will give you the idea. If a man believes any of the lies, he’s playing a rigged game. The odds are poor he can match up to the first set of lies, which makes him feel sexually inadequate. The second set of lies causes him to question his desire and fear he is wronging his wife by wanting “so much sex” or wanting something more than missionary position. 

These fears can cause men to hold back or even say no to sex. They can cause men to have sex problems they would not have if it were not for their fears. 

A man’s wife can help a lot by telling him she enjoys his sexuality. He needs to hear he’s not a failure or a pervert, and he needs to hear it until it overcomes the lies he has believed.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife knows how to encourage me!

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9 Comments on “His Sexual Fears

  1. This is the one that bothers me the most: “Men are supposed to know how to turn a woman on – even if the woman has no clue what arouses her.”

  2. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m glad you write posts like this. as women, we’re very familiar with how both the world, and the church, mess us up sexually. All to often we either don’t consider, or just aren’t aware, of how both the world and church do the same to men, just with a different spin and set of lies. Thanks for creating/raising that awareness.

  3. How about: Men understand their own bodies and sex drive. (I didn’t really understand my own sexual physiology until about a year ago, and I thought my sex drive was essentially physical. And I’m almost 60!)

    How about: A Christian man should have such great spiritual focus that pleasures of the flesh (i. e., sex) should fade into the background. (Like many, I was confusing the concept of the flesh, as in the sin nature, with the body, as in having a God-given sexual desire for my wife. God forgive me, but I was jealous of her Bible study. She was more interested in devotionals than in me.)

    How about: Men are going to be taught how to be husbands by their dads, including about sex in marriage. (My dad never talked about sex, or being a husband and father, or about being a godly man, or about much else.)

    How about: Even though God made me visually oriented, I’m supposed to be able to “unsee” all the images that are thrown at me every day. (I try hard to honor God and my wife with my eyes, but it’s an exhausting battle sometimes, and I’m morally and emotionally worn out many days. Shaunti Feldhahn, I think it was, had a great post recently about men’s brains. Ladies, please don’t go for the obvious joke.)

    The fact is, we are all so messed up, because that’s what the Fall did to the human race. And it’s only by God’s grace and mercy that any of us are able to have a long, stable, and fulfilling marriage at all. My wife and I have been through so many ups and downs, it makes my head spin sometimes. But I know I love her, that she loves me, that we both love Jesus, and that He loves us more than we could ever love each other. He brought us together, He keeps us together, and His truth corrects the lies and false expectations we both face.

  4. “Men are the initiators and women are the responders.”

    I’ve heard that for most of my marriage and it’s based on a fallacy that Christian marriage “experts” have pushed for years. My wife’s distortion of this cliche is to basically understand it as:

    “Men are the initiators and women decide if they want to reject or accept the initiation.”

    I get the responsibility and she gets the power. I risk rejection and humiliation and she risks… absolutely nothing.

    • @Ricky – “Men are the initiators and women are the responders.”
      For most men and women this is true. Men have an active sex drive while women are more responsive. But there are exceptions on both sides.

      As for you situation, you wife is risking a great deal, but it’s not seen or felt as clearly as what you risk. Among other things, she is risking the health of her marriage, her own mental and physical health, and the future happiness of your children.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Yoda Was Wrong!My Profile

      • I’m confused. How is my wife risking the health of our marriage by responding to her husband’s initiation instead of rejecting it? How is my wife risking her own mental and physical health by responding her husband’s initiation instead of rejecting it? How is the future happiness of our children at risk? Is this pertaining to the decision to marry me in the first place? But then the risks to me aren’t just in the hurt from rejection but in all of the ways you listed for my wife as well.

        The risk to her, in my mind, of being the responder is that I might initiate in a situation where she does not want to respond positively. Then she will have to endure what little guilt she may feel by rejecting me. So what’s worse? Being rejected or doing the rejecting? The last time I gave her an unequivocal “no” was when she wanted to spend $27,000 of my inheritance from my mom on a boat that was way too big for the lake we would have it on. Eventually, I bought her a much smaller and more appropriate boat. But she had to experience disappointment which resulted in several months worth of sexual refusal. I had to suffer the sexual refusal including having an unhappy wife/unhappy life.

  5. OK I get it. You are distinguishing between perceived risk and actual risk. While my wife may not perceive risk in rejecting, she is, in fact, risking a lot. But one of the reasons she does not perceive risk is that she doesn’t fear any consequence from her refusal. She knows I’m not divorcing under any circumstances. So the only thing she loses is what she cannot perceive, which is a marriage of intimacy and trust which she has learned to live without. I have not nor will I ever learn to live without it. But then I again bear the responsibility of being the initiator of the necessary fixes to our relationship only to have her “response” be apathy or contempt. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation.

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