Preferences & Beauty

If I had my preference, all the appliances in our kitchen would be red. But only the blender is red.

I don’t think about the colour of an appliance when I use it. I don’t like the blender more because it’s red or the mixer less because it’s white. They all do what they should well, and my colour preference is a very minor issue.

I bring this up because I’ve seen a lot of talk in the comments about men’s preferences for how women look. Some of you know or think you know you’re a long way from what your husband prefers, and this seems to cause a lot of turmoil and angst for some. Somehow “preference” has become something huge, something vitally important, rather than the rather insignificant thing it really is.

Along these same lines, I think some (most?) women are far more concerned about physical beauty than the vast majority of men are. I just don’t get it, why does how we look matter so much? If my wife and I both lost our eyesight what we look like would cease to matter. Since what we love about each other is more than skin deep this would change nothing. Our love for each other and our desire for each other would remain the same.

Unless your husband is an extremely shallow person, what you look like is really not a big deal to him. Yes, he has preferences, but they’re just that, nothing more. How you act and how you treat him are so much more important to him than anything to do with how you look. If you’re making too much out of his preferences you’re torturing yourself and hurting your marriage.

By the way, if you did a survey you would find a lot of men married women who don’t match their physical preferences. These men weren’t “settling” in any way. They sought what matters most to them – things that have nothing to do with how a woman looks. When they found the women they just had to have based on what’s inside, the package was a non-issue. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife’s integrity and generosity mean a million time more to me than her looks.

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115 Comments on “Preferences & Beauty

  1. Ha – that’s my red mixer! We laugh that my husband fell in love with me because he loved my red mixer.

    Good post.

  2. I also find it amazing the shyness with which women treat their bodies. If a lady goes to get a shower, she will cover herself up as much as possible normally. God forbid her husband actually see her body. Women seem to constantly act like being admired by their husbands is the worst possible thing and when I hear women talking, this sentiment is common.

    Ladies. We love the way we look and we delight in you. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t have married you.
    Nick Peters recently posted…Katie Gregoire on the Purity CultureMy Profile

    • Pssst. Hey, you. Yes, you over there. Come here, I want to tell you something. It’s a secret. Don’t tell anyone else. That’s it, closer, let me whisper it in your ear. Here’s the secret:

      Not everything a woman does is done to please a man. Not even showering, if you can believe that. Just because she has to get naked (partially or completely) to do certain nonsexual tasks (bathing, getting mammograms or gynecological exams, etc.), doesn’t mean she always wants an audience, or that your entitled to the view, however much you might admire it. You married a woman to be your wife, you didn’t hire one to be a stripper. So while you might not always like the boundaries she has set, that OK, you don’t have to like them. But you do have to respect them out of love, regardless. And maybe not complain about them either; that’d be nice.

      • As a man it’s really hard to accept that. I agree with you but it’s hard not to want to look or say something. I mean, all my life I have struggled to live pure and not say things like that to women nor lust after then and then when you finally get married and you have the chance to do it without it being sinful you suddenly aren’t allowed to? That’s hard. Again, I agree with you but it is hard to understand or not to comment when you see something so beautiful and sexy. My wife recently got very annoyed with one of my comments about her body when she was walking around in her underwear so I stopped saying anything. I ask her to please cover herself if she doesn’t want me to look or comment because it’s hard. It may sound dumb but it is hard. Again, I have tried to live pure my whole life (notice that I said tried) and I have tried to avoid situations with naked women so when you finally see a beautiful and sexy women it’s hard to not react. Maybe it’s just me being a perv. MaYbe it’s easier if your not a perv. I guess I will have to avoid compliments until she one day tells me: “you never compliment me!”.

        • I’m not saying you can never look at your wife’s body and appreciate it, or compliment her on it. Obviously it’s important to do those things (or at least so I gather from the comments here). But as with all things, one must consider the time and place, and the individual, and judge accordingly as to whether saying something is appropriate or not.

          I don’t know what’s so difficult about just keeping one’s mouth shut when necessary. You’re literally doing NOTHING. What could be easier than that? I don’t mean to seem unsympathetic here, but I don’t see what the problem is. It’s not a question of if you’re a perv or not (you’re probably not, no more than anyone else; you seem normal enough to me, if that’s any comfort), that will have no impact whatsoever on how hard this is. ‘Cause this isn’t hard. It’s easy. Just don’t say certain things at inappropriate times without thinking. And don’t cross your wife’s boundaries, respect them. I mean, you’d be mad if your wife kept walking around in her underwear in front of you after you’ve specifically asked her not to. And rightly so, because then she would be crossing YOUR boundary. So extend her the same courtesy you would like extended towards you. If she dislikes certain comments about her body, then don’t make them. Simple.

          Also, not all compliments are created equal. While one might seem to you to be the highest compliment you can give, depending on how you phrase it it might instead seem crude and rude to your lady, and not at all complimentary. It is well to think before you speak, and consider how your words sound to others. Sometimes what sounds good in your head doesn’t always come out so well, and ends up giving offense where offense was not intended. An unfortunate situation indeed, that could be easily avoided by simply taking a moment to ask yourself, “is that REALLY how I want to say that? Perhaps I should rephrase that, and THEN say it out loud.” I don’t know if that’s been your specific problem or not, but it’s still good advice, regardless.

          • I guess you are right and I guess one has to learn when is the appropriate time and what to say. Maybe my way of telling her that I enjoy her body may be a bad way. I try to tell her she is sexy and so but maybe that’s not what she wants to hear. As I said before I guess I see it like I finally have this beautiful and sexy women I can look at and tell her how beautiful and sexy she is to me and then I can’t, it’s like frustrating. Hard to explain. Maybe it’s because I have a high sex drive. I mean I think about sex 50% or more during a day. I don’t know if it is normal as I said maybe I’m a pervert but it doesn’t matter what I do during the day, sex always find it’s way to my mind. It’s like it boiled inside some days. And it’s not like we have sex that often so sometimes when I see her in her underwear I sometimes don’t even say anything I just make a sound of pleasure(that sounds odd but it’s not like something creepy but just like:”oh I really like that.”) and that somehow gives me some relief? It sounds so weird but I can only explaine it like that. You have these desire inside and then you see her and it’s like it just comes out. At least for me. There are days where it is very hard and I don’t want to look at other women and think that or say that. Just with her. Maybe it is easier for people who are used to sleep around with many partners and have seen there share of naked bodies. I sometimes feel it is harder when you have strived to live pure for your whole life(27) and suddenly there is a beautiful naked women beside you, its really hard to not feel anything or not wanting to say anything. As I said maybe it’s just something wrong with me. Sex and everything sexual related is so important for me and it’s hard to shut it off. Believe me, if there was a button for it I would have pressed it a long time ago.

            • That’s OK, man. It’s fixable. Maybe what you need to do is have a conversation with your wife, find out what kind of compliments she loves an what kind she hates, and when they’re appropriate (and when they’re not). You’re not a mind reader, there’s no way you could know her preferences or boundaries without asking or being told. So it’s OK to need to ask. Just be sure to make it clear how much you love her and that you genuinely want and NEED to give her the gift of nice compliments (that she will actually like), but need her help in order to do so. She’ll probably be glad to help, because it will mean having a chance to communicate and form a deeper emotional connection with you, so it’s a win-win situation.

              Wait . . . you think just THINKING about sex during the day makes you a perv?! Dude, that is not what makes someone a perv, trust me. That’s a very, very normal thing to do, and so is desiring sex. At least it is for the 99% of humanity that, unlike me, is not asexual. What’s normal for me isn’t normal for you, and that is A-OK. You may be a little bit high drive, but that is all, it’s not a moral failing to be a high drive person. Relax. There’s no need to beat yourself up over it.

              Gosh, the purity culture sure did one helluva number on you, didn’t it? But I guess that makes sense. If telling girls that sex is bad and dirty makes them feel bad about wanting sex, how much worse must it be for the boys, who get told that sex is bad and dirty AND that they are raging hormonal sex beasts with little to no control over their urges? That must make them feel like a monster just for having a sex drive. How horrible.

              I was lucky to not have been raised in the purity culture, but it sounds like you’ve not been so fortunate, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel that way about yourself, it never should have been done to you. It’s kinda the opposite of what many asexuals go through before they realize that they’re asexual, so I can sympathize. We’re often made to feel like freaks because we AREN’T interested in sex, whereas you’ve been made to feel like a perv because you ARE. The world’s so messed up. Wish it would just make up it’s mind and stop sending such mixed messages about sex. That’d be nice.

              Anyway. Just know that you’re not a perv, that it’s OK to feel the things you feel. So try not to feel so guilty for feeling those things. It’s hard, I know, when you’ve been raised to think a certain way, to shake off that conditioning. But it will get easier with time and practice. There is hope. Don’t give up!

              • Thank you for respond. I have to talk with her. Thanks for saying that im not a perv. Excuse me for asking but how is it to be asexual? I would like to know because I’m very interested. Do you never think about sex? Can you get aroused? I really don’t mean to offend you I am really interested. I have many times wished that I was asexual. I honestly sometimes regret getting married but know that I wouldn’t have been able to live a life without sex. At the same time I hate this drive. To constantly feel tempted and constantly feel this desire and need of release. I just think about the effort I could put into serving God or doing an awesome job at work.

                • It’s alright, Ad, I’m not offended, but it’s good to be concerned about that, thanks. Some people do ask very rude and invasive questions when they learn about my orientation, and those questions I do mind. But I certainly don’t mind answering respectful questions from people who, like you, are just curious about something they don’t know much about, and that’s fine. Anyway, I’ll do my best to answer your questions. Just know that I can speak only for myself, not for anyone else. My experiences are not necessarily representative of the asexual community as a whole, although there is a lot of overlap. Our community is quite diverse. Well, here goes:

                  “Do you never think about sex?” I do think about sex a lot actually, but not in the way you mean, and surely not the same way you think about it. My interest in the subject interest is more scientific and theoretical in nature, rather than practical. I study it, as a anthropologist studies the customs of other people’s cultures, as an outside observer with no interest or innate desire to actively participate in those customs. It is strange, alien to me, a little gross, and nearly everyone seems to be preoccupied with it to the point of obsession. For that reason alone it warrants study, I feel, if only to try to better understand my fellow human beings who I have to coexist and try to get along with.

                  “Can you get aroused?” Well, sure. Arousal is just a natural function of my body, one of many natural, involuntary and automatic functions. All my “equipment” downstairs functions just fine. I just don’t have an innate desire to use it with a partner of any sex or gender. That’s all it means to be asexual; it’s defined as 1. “someone who does not experience experience sexual attraction to any gender,” and 2. “someone who has no desire for partnered sex,” it has nothing to do with if you can get aroused or not (mere arousal does not automatically indicate sexual desire or orientation, even among sexual folk). As long as you fit the criteria of a least one of those definitions, it’s pretty safe to say that one is asexual.

                  Now, not all asexuals have a sex drive, but many do. I do. Having a libido when you’re asexual (for me, anyway) is kind of like babysitting a hungry, whiny, incredibly annoying 2 year old baby. When it wants a snack, you have to feed it something, and soon, whether it’s a regular mealtime or not. If you don’t, if you try to ignore it, it just gets gradually louder and more insistently demanding the longer I try to ignore it. There’s no reasoning with it (“jeez, pipe down, would ya? I haven’t forgotten about you, but I’m busy right now, can’t it wait?” “No! NOW!!” Stupid sex drive, ugh). So annoying. So it’s better just to take care of the urge quickly, at the earliest opportunity. It only takes a few minutes to deal with on my own, and I don’t have to do it often (I think I’m relatively low drive, thankfully), but it’s still a tedious task I don’t enjoy even though I know it must be done if I want to have any peace about it. I really don’t see how the experience would be improved by involving a second person, it would just take longer and it already takes too long as is. Basically, if anyone offered to trade me my libdo for a single pack of cigarettes, I think I’d take that trade, and consider myself to have gotten the better end of the deal. I don’t even smoke, lol!

                  I hope that gives you an idea of what it like being asexual, and a better understanding of it. I’m not going to say much more about it just now (this is a long enough comment already), but I would like to say one thing more. Don’t think your life would be easier, or better, if you were asexual. You’d still have plenty of problems in your life. I certainly have problems. Everyone has problems. Problems abound in this world of ours, there’s plenty to go ’round. You’d just have a different set of problems is all; not better, not worse, just different.

                  Here’s a link to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, should you wish to learn more:
                  There you will find numerous forums where members discuss various aspects of their orientations and various identities (among other things). I would recommend you start with these two threads, as they deal the basics of asexuality in a straightforward manner, and will answer many other questions your sure to have.

                • @amazingace
                  Thank you fot your response. I understand more now. It’s interesting how different we can be. Maybe you are right. Life maybe wouldn’t be easier but I do think it would be easier in some aspects. As a Christian sexual immorality is one of the biggest sins and I struggle with it all the time. Trying not ti lust, trying to avoid porn which has been an issue since I was a little boy and so on. Not to mention the constant sexual frustration. So to not have a sex drive would be great. I mean from earlier on. I sadly thought a lot with my genitalia instead of my brain and heart when I got married. Sex was a huge reason we got married and sadly now I see the effects of not breaking it of before we got married. Had I’ve been asexual I could avoid that I would serve God. Now I’m a porn addicted douche who tries to get free from this but never seem able to because I don’t know how to love my wife fully. She is the best but because of my sex drive she got the worst.

                • What is lust, anyway? How do you define it? It’s one of those words I hear used a lot, and I can use in a sentence that makes sense, but if anyone were to ask me to define what it is I’d not be able to give a satisfactory answer, ’cause it’s one of those words where you think you know what it means but you don’t really. At least, I don’t. To me, there seems to be no real distinction between lust and ordinary sexual desire. They look the same to me. Apparently, one is bad and the other is good, so I’m told. So, what’s the difference? How do you tell them apart? You have piqued my curiosity, Ad.

                • @amazingace
                  there is something wrong with the page. Cant reply directly to your comment but i hope you see this. Well its kind of tricky. Lust is practicly the same thing as desire. I lust for something, i have a desire for something but at least what i have learned lust is selfish, its self-centered. When i talk about lust i see it like something in me that is only thinking about myself. We can take some examples. For example for me when i have sex with my wife and i only want her to satisfy me by doing things in bed that are either uncomfortable for her or doesnt even give her pleasure but i dont care then i lust. Because all focus is on me, that i should enjoy what we are doing. She then practicly becomes a sex toy that i use to satisfy myself. For example i have always been curious about analsex with my wife and she has never been negative to it. We tried twice and we didnt like it but i have always wanted to try some more times but right now she doesnt want to. For me it would be lust if i try to force her or nag about it or in any other way try to manipulate her so that she will do it so that i can get satisfaction from it, even if it wouldnt give her satisfaction. Love is different. If i am doing things in love i will want to satisfy her too. I want to focus on her in bed. If she wants to have analsex then yay! But if she doesnt i will still love her and focus on satisfying her. The focus isnt on me. If i get satisfied in my pursue of satisfying her then it is win/win and because she loves me she will satisfy me but my main goal isnt to find satisfaction for me but to satisfy her. I think this can be applied to any aspect of married life. My goal in my marriage cant be to satisfy myself but to satisfy my wife. in the bible in ephesians 5 it says that a man should love his wife as Jesus loved the church that He died for it. He sacrificed himself for the church and true love means that i should give all for my wife. When i only focus on myself, then its not love anymore its lust. sadly i dont live up to Jesus kind of love. As i said i am a porn addict and again thats an example of lust. When i watch porn do i care about the people in the screen? No. They are just there for my gratification. Its all about me, me me! I want to get satisified no matter who gets hurt or how i make others feel. Its all about me! Thats lust for me. And i believe that it is in us all. As the Bible says, its our flesh. Its the sinfull part of us that lusts and i should battle it everyday but i am to weak. I want so badly to win this fight but i am to weak. I hope you get what i mean. Maybe it isnt what the dictionare says what lust means but thats how i define out from what i read in the Bible.

                • Oh! Wow, as a working definition that makes SO much sense. Much easier for this asexual to comprehend than the dictionary definition, that’s for sure. I think I understand now. Thank you for taking the time to explain of so clearly to me, it was very eye-opening. :-)

                  So I was kind of right then, desire and lust ARE pretty much the same thing, aren’t they? Really, the only thing that sets them apart is that lust says, “it’s all about me, me me,” whereas as love/desire says, “How are WE doing, are YOU as happy as I am?” It’s the attitude that distinguishes the two, not the amount or intensity of the desire. You could have a sexual desire for your wife ten times stronger and more intense than what you feel now, and it would still not be lustful as long as you still care just as much about her needs and desires as your own.

                  I wish I had some good, specific advice to give you on how to overcome lust, but that is one sin I’ve not dealt with (although I’m most definitely still a sinner saved by grace alone, so please don’t think I’m holier or “purer” than you just because I’ve struggled with different sins than you), so I have no personal experience to draw upon that might help. However, if I may, I would like to give one piece of general advice for overcoming sin that you might find helpful. You say, “I want so badly to win this fight, but I am too weak.” And it’s true. You, by your solitary self, ARE too weak to win this fight alone. So don’t. Don’t even try to fight it alone. It is futile. The Bible tells us that by ourselves we can do NOTHING, but with God’s help, we can do ALL THINGS through Christ, who gives us all the strength we need, and then some. So what you need to do is stop trying altogether to rely on your own strength in this fight, because it will surely fail you, but rather rely on the strength of God that never fails. Ask God to help you, and keep on asking; ask, seek, and knock persistently, everyday. It may take time, but God will not leave you to struggle alone, They WILL help you. But you must first ask; God doesn’t always give you what you don’t ask for. And if you can, get others to pray on your behalf as well, it certainly doesn’t hurt to get extra help when one is petitioning God.

                • @amazingace
                  Thats how i see the difference between lust and love.
                  You should be so happy to not have to struggle with lust. Oh how i envy you! I dont know you and i dont know what sins you struggle with but to not have to fight sexual sins must be so great. I mean Paul says that any other sin is made outside the body but sexual immorality affects the body itself. Oh how i envy you to never have to feel this desperate need to watch something sexual or the frustration to have someone in reach to be with but you just have to wait until the person someday wants to. I really envy you. I hope it doesnt offend you that i say that but i really hate my sex-drive. People say it is a blessing but i dont see it like that. I maybe would and sometimes feel that it is but thats when i handle it in a good way or when i get it satisfied but most of the time its not like that so i cant it as anything but a curse. So i really envy you.
                  Thank you for your tips. I try to pray but i sometimes feel that God has given up on me. I mean why wouldnt he. In the book of hebrew it says that if someone sins willingly that person is beyong saving,, or at least thats how i interpret it and sometimes its just to much. I used to be a “good christian”, passionate and so on but after i got married i got spiritualy burned out and my addiction got worse. I cant get out and i am to afraid to tell my wife. She says that porn use is a reason for divorce so if i confess to her again she willl probably want to divorce. I understand her and if we wouldn have children i would have taken the consequences. She would be fine. She is a great women and she would find someone new fast. I would be able to move and go to a city where i could get counceling and therapy. Where i live there is none of that, no church that helps either and therapy costs much so if i would be alone i could spend my money on that. But we have children and i dont want them to suffer. So i must try, i must fight this altough i dont know how. I hope God will have mercy on me someday and just change me. I would be forever grateful to Him because right now i hate myself and hate what i have become. So you are a very lucky man/woman (im sorry i cant tell by your name) that doesnt have to fight this curse called sexuality.

                  • I think lust is not when you have sexual desire. I think it’s when you look at a woman and the reason you are looking is to undress her with your eyes and treat her as an object in your mind. A moment of having her catch your eye I don’t think is a sin. Turning for that second look? That’s different. I also think Jesus’s statement was about looking at another man’s wife and not just some random woman.

                    But ad, good grief! Don’t ever say anything like that! How can sexuality be a curse? It is the creation of God! It is His idea! He created the engine and everything with it! He thought of the system! We didn’t make this! He did!

                    If you say you have a hard struggle, many of us have had it. I didn’t get married until two months before I turned 30. My wife had it much easier. She was just a few weeks from 20. I struggled for a long time wanting to find someone, but I don’t think I ever saw it as a curse. I would say more the impossible dream, but that dream did come true.

                    If you’re on Facebook, you can find me on there. I have a group for men who are all Christians. We’re husbands, engaged, dating, or just hoping to date. It’s all about learning how to love a wife as Christ loves the church.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Controversy of the AgesMy Profile

                  • Yeah i can agree with that. I dont mean that all sexual desire is bad but as you say its the sexual desire that is aimed to someone else but your spouse.
                    I know and i dont want to offend God but i dont see whats good in with sexual desires? How can it possibly be useful? During your whole life you have to struggle with temptations, urges and desires and you barely know how to handle them. And if your not careful you will think more with your penis then your brain. I agree with Robin Williams qoute: “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time”. And that is so true. Sadly my penis has had most of the blood all the time. If it wasnt for my sexual desire i would have picked a different partner. I wouldnt have been so tempted by her and all the sexual things she offered. I wouldnt have gotten caught in pornography if it wasnt for my sexual desire. I wouldnt have felt guilty , disgusting and loathing myself if it wasnt for my sexual desire. I hate it but the same time love it when i can satisfy it but the only way i can satisfy it isnt always available. To get married doesnt fix anything. It actually makes it worse because before if you let your mind slip you asked God to forgive you but know you feel guilty because you didnt just fornicate you are an adulturer too. And not just that you have to constantly wait for when next time will be. You see your wife walking around in underwear, laying there all sexy but will you have a chance? Of course not! Because for some reason sex isnt that important anymore so you stand there trying to focus on anything else but there isnt anything to focus on because you are a worthless piece of excuse of a christian, you failed in your marriage, your a porn addict and so on. So im sorry, i know God is Almighty and all knowing and my brain is to small to understand why He decided that giving us a sex drive was something good but from my perspective my sex drive only brings me problem. If i would lose it i would miss it but if i never would have had it i would be so happy.
                    Î try to love my wife in every way i can. I do everything at home, i cook, i clean, i take care of our child, i give her massages, i do everything she wants, i let her decide everything, i dont complain about wanting anything back and i try to be loving and caring and sacrificing myself but and here is the thing, the only thing were i fail here and therefore have failed in everything else is when it comes to sexual immorality. If i could skip this, if i wouldnt feel anything when it comes to sex then i could be the best husband ever but noooo i have to have these desires that drive me crazy and that will probably lead to divorce even if i try to be a good husband in every area. And why? Because i have sex drive. So you see, my sex drive is just like the ring in Lord of the rings. It can give momentary satisfaction but the more you use it, the more you have it the more it sucks you in and becomes a heavy burden. The only good thing would be to throw it in the fires of Mount Doom where it belongs but sadly that is not possible. So i have to live with this desire that i didnt ask for and that im not sure i want and because of it i will be doomed with it to the fires of hell. Because of my sex drive i have become Gollum and my sexual desires have become the ring and together we will fall in the fire and burn. So im sorry if i cant see it as a blessing but nothing good comes from a sex drive. There are some like you that are super good people. People who dont get as affected by “the ring” as others do. But sadly i am not like you. So i can just try to fight this and maybe God will show me mercy but He decides.

                  • The problem isn’t sexual desire. It’s lack of control. If it isn’t sex, it will be something else. What good is that sexual desire? In marriage, it’s great. OUtside of that, you just have to learn to control it. Perhaps the problem is you have too low a view of sex. What is sex in your viewpoint?
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Controversy of the AgesMy Profile

                  • You say that sex is great in marriage but that’s only when you can release it. How good is your sex drive in between those times? Especially when you don’t know when next time will be and especially when temptations are lurking all around you all the time? Then what is the sex drive good for? I love serving my wife and be there for her and I would enjoy it more if it wasn’t for my sex drive because when I serve her it’s always there: the hope and desire that she will see my efforts and want to have sex. The constant thoughts, the urges that will probably go unsatisified and so on. In between my sex drive only causes problems. I don’t think i would have the same problem. Sex gives a satisfaction few things can give. It makes your body feel things that nothing can and that’s why it’s so hard. It’s the only thing that is so hard because it gives physical, emotional and psychological pleasure and few things can do that. So again I don’t see what’s good with a sex drive. If you can’t get it satisfied when you need it, it doesn’t give anything else but pain.

                    Sex for me is a physical act where two people come together and unite as one. It should involve emotions and other form of intimacy but it isn’t always necessary(it should in my opinion but we can’t deny that people have sex without feeling anything for the other person).

                    I would love to join your group , I couldn’t find you on Facebook. Do you maybe have a link.

                  • Sure it can be frustrating at times, but at other times it does give more of an incentive for me to do the good. Sex is like the desire for Heaven in fact. Peter Kreeft has written about this with the argument from desire which comes from C.S. Lewis with “Surprised By Joy.” Those are those rare moments that are scant few in a lifetime, but you get a sensation of joy and happiness and even still, you know there’s something more, but even then the desire is a source of joy as well.

                    I think you’re seeing sex as a physical act. It’s more. Everything in our universe is sexual. (See Kreeft’s “Will There Be Sex In Heaven?” It’s on his web site and an audio talk.) We have defined sex as something we do instead of what we are. It’s what we are and the sexual act comes from who we are. Everything you see around you is a reminder of sex.

                    I am located in Atlanta, GA. I can’t link to the group because it’s a secret group. You only get in by knowing someone else. You can send me an email at to know how to find you.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Controversy of the AgesMy Profile

                  • I don’t really understand what you mean. Is the desire a sort of joy? I mean does it feel good to have a sexual desire? Yes it feels good but you can’t use it unless it is your spouse and if you aren’t married to someone who wants sex often you are probably not going t o be able to use it so it becomes a burden. I mean I can’t and barely walk outside without having to fight the thought and the feelings in my pants, especially in the summer when women walk around with shorts that look more like underwear then shorts. What good does my sex drive do for me? You say that your sex drive makes you do good things and I ask: How?!?! I mean does my sex drive make me wanna do all the chores at home so that my wife will be relieved and happy so that maybe just maybe she want to have sex with me? Yes , does it work? Well not as often as you wish. I am doing good but it only creates frustration and irritation. Without my sex drive what would happen then? I would do all the chores and not e pact anything back, we both win. So I don’t really understand that. I don’t want to question God but everything points to a sex drive being a bad thing. You mentioned will there be sex in heaven? Jesus says that it will not. and I am glad about that. I hope I will get there and stop being tormented by these desires. It must be wonderful. I don’t want to anger God so I shouldn’t say this anymore but it’s hard not to when you see the devastation that this brings to your life.

                  • Ad. In a marriage, you are to do good regardless of if it works or not. The goal should not be sex per se, but building up the love between husband and wife, and that will result in sex. If your wife isn’t doing her part, that’s for her to work on, but does that mean you stop doing yours? Not at all. If you have to, get some counseling on the issue. There’s no shame in that. For me, the good comes when I get the message that tonight is the night. All the frustration is worth it for the time of the act itself. I again compare it to Heaven. When we get to eternity, everything we suffered here will be worth it.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Everyone Loves Sex, So Why Wait?My Profile

                  • Yeah i know I should do good even if I don’t get anything back and that’s my goal to live like that but what’s frustrating is the desire that still comes. It’s like a dog that wants a snack. I want to live in peace but it comes and creates hope of getting sex if I do the chores or other good things and that is irritating. Sadly where I’m from you can barely find counseling and especially Christian counseling. Sweden is famous for its secualarism and the churches don’t care about marriage. There’s no Christian marriage blogs and no one cares. I can’t even speak to my pastor or elders because they don’t care. My pastor isn’t even married so that’s impossible. That’s why i write in blogs like this one, to get out frustration and talk to someone because i don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m grateful for Paul because he usually responds or let the conversation go on. Other marriage bloggers don’t tend to care about what someone writes and I understand that it isn’t their job to counsel but they don’t know how much it can mean for someone who doesn’t have anyone to speak with to be able to express oneself and see the that someone listens. It may not change much but it can still make a difference.
                    I understand what you mean with finally getting release but it’s still annoying when you don’t know when. With my wife’s it’s a gamble. Sometimes you hit the jackpot but most of the time you don’t. I gave up a long time ago so I don’t initiate or ask anymore I just wait and hope that she will initiate. Tomorrow it’s been 2 weeks without sex and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to happen tomorrow either but there is always some hope but I’m pretty sure nothing will happen. So again I don’t see my sex drive as anything positive. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Marriage is hard as it is, having a sex drive just makes it harder.

                  • @ad “I know and i dont want to offend God but i dont see whats good in with sexual desires?”
                    When it works as God intended it to, a sex drive is a great blessing to the couple and their marriage. The problem is we live in a fallen world,
                    Paul Byerly recently posted…Trying For The Wrong ReasonsMy Profile

                  • Yeah I guess so. It’s still kind of interesting that God chooses to erase the sexual desire when He creates a new world. God doesn’t do mistakes but it’s kind of funny to see that in this new world the only “natural” thing about us that won’t exist is our sexual drive. Makes you wonder, what’s the purpose with it right? It doesn’t fulfill a role. It’s a little like in genesis 6. God regretted he had created man. I wonder if God ever regretted He gave us a sex drive?

                  • @Ad – There is no marriage in heaven, so there would be no sex. I hardly think marriage was a mistakeMarraige, and sex, are supposed to provide us with intimacy help us understand our relationship with God.
                    Paul Byerly recently posted…Are You Blinded by Ego?My Profile

                  • i guess you are right. Its just hard to really understand the good in it, especially the understand the relationship with God thing. If thats what sex is going to teach us then what i have learned is: Do as many things as possible and maybe, just maybe you will enjoy intimacy but you have to live perfect. If you dont you wont receive love.
                    Thats what sex in marriage is teaching me and its the same with my relationship with God. I am not good enough because i dont do enough and thats why God isnt happy with me. I have to do more but im scared. I have to pray more but dont have the words. I have to listen more but i am afraid of what He will say. I am saved by grace but will be condemned to hell for my deeds. If thats what we are supposed to learn then i guess im learning.

                    Its just hard to see the positive side of my sex drive. Like now. I am feeling super tempted. Its been two weeks since we had sex and all i want is to be with her but i cant. So i sit her and feel the urges , the desires take over. The temptation to watch something i shouldnt comes over me and i know i have to be faithful so i dont want to do it but i feel the pressure. What do i do? Focus on something else! What? What can i focus on? When i seek God the only thing i see is how worthless i am and how im never going to be good enough. Talk to a friend? What friend? I dont have friends. No friend to talk to. No friend to share my heart with(one of the main reasons i write her)! Excersice! When? I spend most of my days taking care of chores and my daughter because my wife cant right now and even if she could i would still be stuck at home doing chores and taking care of our daughter. So what do i do?! This is the reason i cant see my sex drive as something positive. I just wish sex didnt matter anything to me. I wish i could feel about it as i feel about excercise. I know i should do it but i dont feel like it. I just wish that could be my relationship to my sex drive if i cant be free from it all. Now it seems like my life doesnt function without sex. I wonder if i have made sex my idol? But how do i unidolize it? And why does it matter so much to me? Im telling you sometimes after i have had sex i feel a little empty like, what do i do now? Then some days pass and i am back at it again. Why is it like this? Is it because i really struggled to live pure? Is it because i have only slept with one person , my wife? Is it different for people who have had a lot of sex before marriage? Have they had sex so much that it isnt anything special anymore? Why is it like this?! Ahh, i hate this!

                • Really, Paul says that? That’s not true. There are other sins that affect the body as well, not just sexual immortality. Drunkenness is one, and it has a very negative affect on the body, as well as on the people around you. So does anger (the unrighteous kind). Someone who is angry all the time is at risk for all kinds of stress related ailments, like hypertension. I’m sure there are other sins as well that affect the body, but that’s all I can think of at the moment. Just because a sin affects the body itself, does not mean that it’s worse than any other sin. It’s all the same to God.

                  And yet, God forgives ALL sins, even though all sins are equally repugnant to Them. God’s ways are not like ours. We tend to try to rank sins from best to worst, and forgive conditionally based on that arbitrary ranking system. It makes sense to us to do so. But God doesn’t do that. God will forgive the worst sin just as quickly and easily as the smallest sin, and They can do that BECAUSE all sins are equal in Their eyes, not in spite of it. That equality is what makes it easy to forgive for an all-loving God, for if no sin is any better than another, than neither is any sin any WORSE than any other.

                  So it doesn’t matter which sins I have or haven’t struggled with. The fact remains that I am human, and as such am sinful. Yours sins are not worse than mine. My sins are not better than yours. Their just different. Different, but equal in God’s eyes. So if God is quick to forgive MY sins (and They are), then that same God will be just as quick to forgive YOUR sins, no matter what. The very instant one repents and asks forgiveness for a sin, God forgives, and that sin is forgotten that same instant. God’s willingness to forgive is not the issue. The issue is, are we willing to accept that forgiveness? Oftentimes, God is more willing to forgive us than we are willing to forgive ourselves. It is God’s desire to set us free from our sins, and part of that process involves forgiving ourselves, trusting God’s grace, and living free from guilt. Guilt is useful, but only up to a point. It’s what brings us to repentance when we’ve gone astray, brings is back to God; but after it’s served its purpose it’s no longer useful, and should not be clung to, but rather cast away. It becomes a snare, and keeps us from moving forward and growing. You must learn to forgive yourself when God does, gotta pick yourself up when you fall, dust yourself off, and keep going. God will help you, too. You don’t have to do it all on your own.

                  I’m not offend that you feel that way, you’re just being honest about how you feel, and I can understand why you can feel that way; you’ve travelled a hard road. There is some truth to what you say, often I feel grateful that God chose to make me this way. When I hear stories like yours and others, about all the trouble and unhappiness sexuality can cause in people’s lives, I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with any of it. But flip side of that is that while I don’t suffer any of the pains that can come with being sexual, I also don’t get to experience any of the joys of it, either. Even if I were to have sex with someone and enjoy it (probably wouldn’t though, probably just be bored), it would only be on a physical level, no different than masturbation. No emotional closeness, no deeper spiritual connection. You are able to make love, all I can do is have sex.

                  I . . . I won’t say I envy you that ability, because that would be a lie. The truth is, I don’t envy you that, but only because I don’t know what I’m missing. If did know, then I wouldn’t be asexual. It’s as if I was born deaf, and have never heard music. I can see, all around me, people who do hear the music, and I can see the effect it has on them, as they begin to dance to it, and I can see the joy in their faces, how happy it makes them. I might be able to learn to mimic the steps, dance with a partner, maybe even enjoy dancing for the exercise, but I can never hear the music for myself, never experience the sound and the joy of it firsthand. But I don’t miss it, because I can’t miss something I never had in the first place. I don’t feel like I’m missing a part, because that’s how I’ve always been and I don’t know anything different, just like a deaf person. I feel whole, because that’s how God made me to be, and I embrace it.

                  But for you? God meant for you to be sexual, or you wouldn’t have been made the way you are. For you to lose your sexuality now, would be like losing your hearing later in life. You’d miss it, you’d miss hearing music and the voices of dear friends. It might be a relief to not have to hear unpleasant noises, like nails on a chalkboard, but you would still miss the music. It would not make you happier, to be as I am. So I don’t think God will be taking away your sexuality anytime soon, They know how unhappy it would make you; and besides, that is not Their plan for you. But what God will do is help you learn to manage it, if you so desire. Rely on God for your strength, and trust in God’s grace, and you will not fail. Don’t give up!

                  I will be praying for you, Ad.

                • @amazingace
                  1 Corinthians 6:18: “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.”
                  So you my friend are blessed to not have to struggle with this. You are right about it being hard if I would loose my sexual desire right now but at the same time I just wish this wasn’t an issue. There are so many reasons why I will fail God and maybe go to hell and this is just an extra burden. It’s great to make love but it lasts for a while and then your back at it again. The waiting, frustration, the not knowing when next time will be ( or when you did or say something bad) the knowing that you ain’t gonna get it for a long time all that is just so annoying so you are blessed. I guess I must let God do His work in me but it’s hard. Everyone says it’s grace, grace , grace but when I read the Bible or hear a sermon most of the time I hear deeds deeds deeds. If you do that you are going to hell if you do not do that you are going to hell. How could I possibly be saved? Through Jesus Christ but why the are there so many verses that talk about losing and going to hell. In light of that my sexuality isn’t a blessing but a heavy burden cast on to me that I have to deal with every day. Thank you amazing ace and God bless you!
                  Just curious. Why do you refer to God as they . I believe in the trinity but God seldom refers to himself as us or we. I believe it’s only in genesis. Again I don’t mean to offend I’m just curious.

                • Yes, the they/them pronouns are commonly used to denote plurality, but did you know that they can also be used as a singular pronoun, to refer to just one person? It’s true. While it’s slightly less commonly used than the plural form, people still use the singular form quite frequently in everyday life, often without noticing that they’re doing so. You see, “they” can be used as a gender neutral alternative to “he” or “she” when one is uncertain of a person’s gender for any reason, be it because it was dark and you couldn’t see clearly, or the person too far away to be certain, or because they were completely bundled up in a blizzard, etc. Also can be used for someone you’ve not met yet who you can’t tell based on their name alone what gender they are, like “Dr. Smith,” who could just as easily be woman OR a man, or used to refer to one hypothetical person when it doesn’t matter what gender. Example: “If someone were to compliment my new tennis shoes, I would thank them.” Some other examples: “I saw someone steal your car, but I didn’t get a good look at their face, they were too far away,” or “I’m told that Dr. Smith is a good doctor, but I wouldn’t know about that, I’ve never had a chance to visit them.” In all of these examples, I am clearly referring to only one person, a someONE, but no would so much as bat an eyelash at me for using a word that is normally plural as a singular, because it’s something everyone does all the time; it’s normal.

                  It is my personal belief that God is as much female as They are male. It says in Genesis that God created man and woman both in Their own image. God could not have created man and woman both in Their image if God were not equal parts masculine and feminine. So, while I COULD refer to God as a “He” or a “She” with equal validity, NEITHER pronoun would be wholly accurate. God is all genders, so neither of those two pronouns is a perfect fit for a pangendered god. So, it seems to me more appropriate to use the singular, gender neutral “They” instead, or at least until God tells me otherwise which set of personal pronouns They prefer. At which point, I will switch to using whichever ones God specifies; it’s only polite. But They have not yet told otherwise, so I must conclude that God doesn’t mind my using they/them to describe Them.

                  I don’t mind anyone else using “He” to describe God, that’s fine and dandy and their business, not mine. I just feel that I shouldn’t, that’s all. Seems impolite.

            • I agree with much of what ad is saying. My wife struggles with self-esteem issues and having people all her life insult her and tell her she’s ugly. For me, seeing her body is a gift and a privilege. She has improved in this area some, but it’s still a battle, but I can relate to ad. I’m in apologetics and lived a pure life. I never wrestled with pornography and I didn’t marry until I was nearly 30 years old. (By the way, she’s nearly a decade younger than I.)

              I tell women that if you want to know what the world is like for us men, picture going down the ice cream or chocolate aisle of the grocery store when you’re on a diet. Now realize we men live in temptation all day long. We don’t want the temptation really, but we are still tempted. Then we get home to the woman we swore the rest of our lives to love and adore and we get turned down regularly.
              Nick Peters recently posted…Who’s To Blame?My Profile

            • My husband tells me I am sexy. He is always rubbing up against me and grabbing my body parts. I love it, really, but sometimes it is just too much. I need balance. I need “you’re beautiful” instead of only “you’re sexy.” I need my waistline held gently, my shoulders rubbed, my arms kissed Gomez Addams style, my thighs caressed, not just my boobs, butt, and vulva grabbed and squeezed.

              Imagine if the only compliment you received was when your check shows up in the bank account and she says, “you’re such a good provider.” It is a nice compliment, but if it is the only one you hear you will start to feel like a commodity than a holistically valued spouse. Same with our bodies as women.

              Now, I have grown wise enough to accept what I get from hubby. I don’t complain about it and graciously accept them.

        • I cannot speak for all women, only myself. But I am hesitant to show myself to my husband too much because I know I am nothing special to look at. There are so many better women he can see every day, even if he doesn’t seek them out. Because I do not measure up, I am hesitant to parade myself around, only to cause him to notice just how flawed I am compared to the beautiful women. I feel it’s better to let him use his imagination than to show him all of my flaws.
          I do let him see me, because I keep reading how important that is. But I know that even though he tries to be happy with me, he cannot possibly be happy with my flawed figure. And his compliments are like daggers, like pity. Pity is the worst. So sometimes it’s easier to just avoid being seen. Then neither one of us has to pretend.

          • B. As a man, I think this needs to be said. I’m married to a woman I adore. I’m on Facebook six days a week seeing as I break on Sunday. On each of those days, I put up a marriage meme and a public message of love to my wife. My wife meanwhile struggles with self-esteem issues. She has great depression and has had suicide attempts in the past.

            The thing is she says “I know he” about me several times. She knows things about me that frankly, aren’t true. She knows I can’t find her beautiful. I can’t be happy with her. Things like that. It’s nonsense. It’s the kind of stuff I see you saying and others have rightly said that when you say that, you are calling your husband a liar. I assure you that hurts him tremendously.

            With my own wife, she will often say what other people in her life have said. I remind her every time I’m not those people. Just listen to what I have said to know what I think. Listening to other people is essentially inviting them into your bedroom. For what your husband says, listen to what he says, not what you think he says.

            If your husband is anything like me here, and I suspect he is, what would please him the most is to have you to just fall into his arms and accept his love and celebrate it. Let him speak for himself. Don’t try to speak for him.
            Nick Peters recently posted…Who’s To Blame?My Profile

            • How to tell if your man loves you or if he is a shallow jerk:

              1. He compliments you. “You’re beautiful, baby.”

              2. You say, “thank you, I am, aren’t I.” Or “thanks, I know.” Or “why don’t I just show you how beautiful I am.”

              3. If he loves your confidence and acceptance of his compliment, he loves you.

              4. If he shuts you down, or gets intimidated, or teases, or gets sarcastic, he is a shallow jerk.

    • Hmm. See, I tried this early on in my marriage when my husband was constantly rejecting sex with me. If I leave the door open when I shower, he closes it. If I start to change clothes and he’s in the room, he leaves.

  3. My wife’s joke is that I would not care how she looked as long as she could shoot, move, and communicate.

    Very perceptive, that one.

    Appearance changes, and while a pleasant visage can be a blessing for the eyes, it’s only ever temporary.

    Care for what one does have, however, is something else again. Self-care is not only a necessary part of self-esteem, it’s a courtesy extended to those in one’s company.
    Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 311 – FrequenciesMy Profile

  4. I think the weight that we (or at least I) give preferences for physical appearance comes into play when there are affects in how my husband acts. Like, if you refused to use the mixer, wouldn’t touch it, and tried to put it in the garage, then that preference for red over white may seem to gain importance.

    I believe my husband loves me and cares about me and that he has a whole list of reasons why he married me. I do not believe a single one of those reasons is romantic and I do not think he has an iota of sexual attraction for me. I have no idea whether that lack of attraction is physical, emotional, or something else entirely. But the only thing I can see is the physical differences, so I put some weight on that.

    • Sunny Dee, if it’s any help, I’m one of those dudes who isn’t very romantic. One of my main criteria in a woman – and I told Barbara this before we married – was that I could trust her at my back in a bar fight. Not to say that she is anything but feminine, lovely and gracious, but there is a dependable core of steel in her soul that I have learned is far more important than anything physical.

      I love Barbara far more today than when I met her, and expect that love to grow for as many days as I am yet given grace to survive. And now, when I’m in far too much pain for a hug, a fist-bump speaks volumes of affection.
      Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 311 – FrequenciesMy Profile

      • But that’s you not being romantic in general, right? Not you acting one way with lots of other women and then totally differently with your wife?

        • Heavens, no, Sunny Dee. With other women I’m formal to a fault (or to the point where my wife says I should lighten up).

          I made a promise of absolute loyalty, and while my means of living it may be seen as old-fashioned and standoffish, it’s never in doubt.
          Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 311 – FrequenciesMy Profile

  5. As a woman I found your post frustrating (and i usually love your posts). Understanding from your other posts as well as his behavior that my husband is attracted to women all day long and struggles not to fantasize, it causes deep pain to know I’m not his type. I feel like you just told me that it doesn’t matter if I’m his type or not, except that i wish with my whole being to have him desire me. I know you meant well but it felt like I should be thankful he likes my personality and other women’s bodies. You say women are more concerned about beauty, but who’s doing all the looking?

  6. This goes both ways. The man I married surprised some people, because they didn’t think he matched my physical preferences. They’re right, in a small sense, he doesn’t, but then, that’s not what was important to me. I dated guys before him that did match those preferences, and they were jerks. My husband is the most wonderful, loving man I’ve known, so “preferences” be darned. I find him plenty attractive just as he is. My body has changed with age too. IMHO men and women alike need to be prepared to set those physical preferences aside as they both age and change. Because even if someone marries a person who matches those things when they’re young, it’s not going to stay that way forever.

  7. My husband just came home and told me he had to go door to door today and met a beautiful woman, and then saw the teenage daughter and she was a knock-out, too. He then said that he does not envy that guy, having to deal with having such a beautiful wife and all the guys wanting her.

    Gee, thanks for the slap in the face.

    I did ask him, “you don’t think you are in that same position with me?” He evaded the question.

    I know he desires me, but I honestly don’t believe he finds me aesthetically beautiful. Cute, yes, and I can be pretty if I really try hard. Sexy, too. But not beautiful. At least God gave me sons who frequently tell me how beautiful I am.

    • Oh man, that’s rough. I’m so sorry he said that to you, that was uncalled for. But I’m glad that you have people in your life who do see you as beautiful and are often affirm that verbally, it does a world of good.

      I can’t be the only one who’s kinda creeped out by the comments he made about the teenaged girl, right? That’s super creepy with an side of CREEPY. I mean, it’s not as if there’s anything inherently wrong with just happening to find someone who’s underage to be aesthetically pleasing, but maybe don’t mention the fact in the same conversation with your wife about how beautiful her mom is as well and how you doesn’t envy her husband the task of beating other men away with a stick. There’s just . . . no way to make that NOT creepy, you know? *shudder*

      • I honestly don’t think he meant it as a slap in my face. I know he loves me and thinks he married up, and tells me guys always ask him how a guy like him got lucky enough to get a gal like me.

        It isn’t that he found her and the daughter beautiful that bothers me, or even that he said they are beautiful. I get it. There are other women in the world and they are beautiful. I even acknowledge that there are women all over the place far more beautiful than me. It is the fact that unlike many husbands mine does not see me as most beautiful to him. I am not his standard of beauty and there is this undertone in our marriage of me having to measure up. I want to be set apart like I have set him apart.

        It is like he thinks he got as good as he could have gotten in a wife, but his standard and preference are still much higher.

        He has told me that if I were burned, scarred, or deformed he wouldn’t leave me and he would still love me, but he would have a hard time finding me attractive and desirable.

        But, really, this isn’t a surprise. I know how he feels. I have been riding this undertow in our marriage for years. It is about him, not me. I pray the Lord opens his eyes and he sees his wife as he ought to and that I stand apart. I do not stand with the celebrities, the models, the pretty ladies in the suburb to be compared and judged. I stand apart. I am not “as good as he’s going to get” or “good enough,” I am his “good thing,” as the Bible says, and valued “far above rubies,” and “altogether beautiful”.

        • @libl – Trust me, I am no celebrity, model, pretty lady. My body is marked from bearing children. I have gray hair popping up. I have wrinkles, and some saggy skin. I am also not my husbands “type”, based off past girlfriends I’ve seen. I am “scrawny”. Some kindly call it “athletic” looking, but that’s for lack of any other compliment they can give me. But you know something, I looked this way when we started dating. I looked this way when we got married. And now 20 years later, I am a little heavier, but still look the same (older though). But he married me. Not anyone else.
          I am learning the freedom that comes from not worrying about it anymore. And boy if I could get others to start feeling it, it is powerful. Place these concerns on God. Far better for your husband to feel the pressure coming from God, then from you. I’m not saying it going to be easy. Or that it will fix things instantly or at all, but only OWN your responsibility not his. Your husband finding you attractive is NOT your responsibility. Let him be accountable before God for this. Your job is to just be yourself and carry your own responsibility, not his.

          • Thank you, Henri, and yes, all you said I already do. I stopped killing myself to try to be his preference.

  8. If how the package looks isn’t important, why do you have a preference? Isn’t that a waste of time? On the other hand I think it’s very important to ourselves how we look. I think every woman wants to like what she sees in the mirror.

    • @Diane – It’s not an effort to have a preference, it just happens. But it’s not a big must have, it’s a preference.

      I think most women are far more concerned about their looks than their husband is, and I think they have a habit of putting that on their husband.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Does Grumpy Come From Not Feeling Appreciated?My Profile

  9. A good addition: you selected the best blender in this comparison. It may not have come in red, but it came with a combination of features and dependability you couldn’t get in another kitchen appliance. A wife is like the really expensive kitchen appliance you splurged on, not the dumpy one you grabbed ’cause it was cheap.

  10. I’ve been thinking on this post for a couple days. I’m not sure why this seems harder for men to understand. Sometimes I think some men just think their wives should be happy that their husbands found them “good enough” and don’t understand her deeper needs, or her feelings on this issue.
    I’m a woman. As anyone who reads her regularly knows, I am nowhere near my husband’s preference. I’m tall and blonde, he prefers petite brunettes. He may say this isn’t so, but petite brunettes are the women that catch his eye and turn his head. Actions will always speak far louder than words.
    Anyhow, if I know he prefers the exact opposite of me, how can I believe him if he compliments (read:pacifies) me, or says I’m pretty (read:says what a good husband is “supposed” to say). It’s even more hurtful because we both know it isn’t true.
    Most men long to feel respected. Most women long to feel desired, and especially desired by their husbands. It is painful to know you are not worthy of his desire, and/or that you are not even his preferred type.
    Let’s say my husband actually wants to take me out for a nice dinner and spend time with me (since you’re trying to sell me that looks don’t matter as long as he thinks I’m a swell gal with good conversation skills). Now let’s imagine that our waitress happens to be petite, brunette, and attractive. She’s everything he desires in a woman. Does he still enjoy his dinner out with me? Maybe a little. But his focus has shifted. Regardless of how hard he tries, he will be pulled to focus on the woman he finds more appealing, the one he can’t get enough of, the one he obviously desires more than the woman he is with. So yes, preference does matter, and it kinda stinks knowing who I am is not preferred.
    Try another analogy. Let’s say I’m at a barbecue. I prefer a hot dog to a hamburger. But the host is out of hot dogs. So I settle for a hamburger. If I’m hungry it will probably satisfy the hunger. I might even enjoy it a little. But then another guest arrives with a tray of hot dogs. Now I’m disappointed I had the hamburger, because I don’t like hamburgers as much, and if I’d waited, I could’ve had the hot dog which I Really would have preferred. But because I’m full, I’m stuck with having had the hamburger and all I can do is think about the hot dog and how much better it would have been if I hadn’t settled for the burger.
    I hate being the burger. No woman I know wants to be “good enough” for her husband. She wants to be special.

    • @ B
      You say “As anyone who reads her regularly knows, I am nowhere near my husband’s preference.” Can I just clarify something for you? What anyone who regularly reads here knows is THAT YOU BELIEVE YOU KNOW your husband better than he knows himself. We know that no matter what is said to you about believing your husband when he tells you something, that you continue to ignore what he says and assume you know better because…. You assume you know that because XYZ he’s lying to you when he says you’re beautiful. THAT IS DISRESPECTFUL!!! You are exceedingly blessed that he continues to tell you you’re beautiful despite the fact that you treat him as a liar.

      I have been reading Proverbs. daily for the past 5 years and one thing that is hugely stressed is the need to be teachable. It seems you are unteachable in this regard. That is something you can change. You can tell yourself to ignore your feelings and act on what he tells you is true and stop punishing him for your unwillingness to accept that his thoughts and feelings are different than yours.

      (For those that might think I’m being hard on B, we have been friends in the past, so I trust she will hear my words with love and concern as intended.)

      • I think what’s hard about this post is the fact that women in general are 99.9% of the time NEVER physically attracted to a man if she doesn’t have an emotional connection to him of *some* kind (even if it’s just a little) or some other motive. I can remember one time in my life when I saw a guy I didn’t know and thought he was hot and I can actually remember what he looks like. ONE time!!! And I was pregnant with a super high, wacked out, sex drive. Lol So I’m not sure that counts?! Lol But guys are simply not like that. They are able to think a woman is attractive physically and have no emotional connection to her or real desire for her whatsoever. We just can’t wrap our minds around how that is possible. But they really can admire a beautiful woman like someone might appreciate a peice of art and that is in no way a reflection of his love, desire and interest in you. I’ve seen her recommend before so I’m going to say…do yourself a favor and read For Women Only and study the sex chapter and take it to heart.

        • @Anon, it looks like you’re replying to my comment, but I’m not sure because I’m not seeing how it relates to what I was saying to be about believing her husband when he says something. If I’ve missed a connection, please explain. :) Also, I have read For Women Only and did take it to heart which is why I started believing my husband when he told me I am beautiful. It also opened my eyes to how disrespectful it is to tell my husband what he thinks and believes, so I’ve tried not to do that anymore either (90% successful ;) )

        • Oh my no! I read that book and it nearly destroyed my marriage. You know how they say ignorance is bliss? It was devastating to me to learn what my husband is thinking every time he sees a beautiful woman, and that he saves these images up for later. That was the worst thing I ever read. It became impossible for me to enjoy intimacy without wondering. I will not go further into what I wondered because I do not want any other woman to have these dreadful thoughts. I don’t mention the book and I hate when other people do because I don’t want other women to go through what I went through. I still have a hard time now that I know that I’m just one of any number of images. I frequently wonder how often I’m “there” and how often I’m just a stand-in. Worst thing for my marriage, ever. I took that chapter to heart and it both confirmed my fears and increased them tenfold. It taught me horrible fears I hadn’t even thought of on my own. It was a HUGE contributor to my insecurity and knowledge that I am not enough.

      • Hi hiswifeagain, thank you for your comment, but forgive me, I don’t know who you are. You mentioned we’ve been friends in the past, but I’m just gonna have to take your word for that. So please understand if I don’t reply as if I know you.
        Anyhow, I do not believe I know my husband better than he knows himself. I know what I observe. I know life has taught me not to trust words that aren’t backed up with proof – because they are just empty words. Anyone can say anything. And unless it is backed up by actions, it could be completely untrue.
        I am exceedingly tired of people telling me I treat my husband as a liar. I do not. I have never called him a liar. I have even learned to say “thank you” if he compliments me, whether I believe it is real or not. That’s a huge step. It is incredibly difficult for me to hear or accept a compliment. Maybe I’m crazy, but I usually see compliments as hurtful and sometimes even a cruel trick.
        Am I unteachable? Maybe. Untrusting? Definitely. What if I start acting like “oh I’m so wonderful because my husband thinks I’ll do and I should just start pretending I’m beautiful and fantastic” – that would be insanely egotistical and just plain wrong.
        Maybe his thoughts and feelings are different than mine. But I also know what I observe and he has never looked at me with the interest I have seen on his face when he notices a woman he finds attractive.
        I’ll admit I’m afraid to lull myself into a false sense of deserving to be considered beautiful. Does that make sense?

        • B,
          We were friends on TMB and also in the eCourse of Respect Dare. (If you’re still on TMB you can private message me under hiswifeagain and I’ll remind you of my real name. I think you’ll remember me then.)
          I realize you neve told your husband he is a liar, but you’re continuing to treat him as if he is. By you not accepting what he says about how he feels and assuming because you see him noticing someone else that it means what he says about you is false. You are in essence treating him as if he is not telling the truth and is untrustworthy. You have given the enemy a stronghold in your life in this area. I believe you’ve allowed him to even rewrite the past. You say “he has never looked at me with the interest I have seen on his face when he notices a woman he finds attractive.” If this were true, then why would you have even considered marrying him?” Your insecurity about your looks likely has you hyper-sensitive to anything that might remotely appear to be his interest in another woman. Regarding the waitress, unless he’s eyeing her up and down and following her with his eyes until she’s out of sight, you’re speculating what he’s thinking and feeling. Do you understand how prideful that is?

          Insecurity has pride as it’s root. It seems counterintuitive that insecurity is about pride, but it very much is so. The way you present yourself here and other blogs make you sound completely self-absorbed. I don’t think that’s who you want to be. I think you’ve allowed the enemy to warp your thinking and feelings and that can’t be easy for you or your husband. Take those thoughts captive and tell yourself the truth. Not what you believe to be the truth about yourself or your husband. Tell yourself the truth from the Word of God and choose to believe that your feelings are lying to you, that your husband is trustworthy and that in any way your husband is not conforming to God’s will for his thought life that He will take care of it. Pray for your husband, but make sure you’ve got the log out of your eye before you try asking God to take the speck out of his.

          I know this is painful! But you are repeatedly ripping the scabs off your wound and scrubbing them with lye the way you allow yourself to think. There is almost always some “reward” that make this kind of circular thinking payoff. What makes it worth to you to stay stuck in this? I’m praying for you today, sister in Christ. :)

          • Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I still think you might be mixing me up with another “B”. I’ve looked at the Respect Dare but never taken a course, and I’m not sure what TMB stands for.
            Anyhow, it kills me to think that you and others think I’m self-absorbed. I guess I can understand why, because I complain a lot. But that’s only here. Blogs have become kind of an outlet. In real life I have to put on a mask and try to act happy and confident.
            To me, self-absorbed people think they are spectacular. They are the ones who think they are beautiful, special, talented and worthy and are often entitled. I have fought so hard not to be anything close to that. Maybe I’m trying too hard as it has apparently backfired.
            My husband forced me to bring this up in counseling, and I got the standard, “but you are pretty so you shouldn’t feel that way” answer that counselors have to give you. So sometimes I feel like marriage blogs are the only places I can freely discuss what I actually feel.
            It kills me to admit this, but I have a lot of pain over these stupid issues. And then people tell me I’m a bad Christian for not just believing it can all magically change if I just believe hard enough – and that makes me feel even worse, because it is another area in which I am not “good enough”. I am incredibly thankful that Jesus will accept me, flaws and all, or I’d have no hope whatsoever.
            All of my life I was put in my place. I suspect this was done in an attempt to keep me humble. I can remember being so excited once about landing a leading role in a musical and being told by my family that I was a stuck-up, egotistical snot, and instead of being happy I should feel bad for the kids who didn’t get the role. That’s just one of dozens of examples – but I did learn not to be proud. Ever.
            I was reminded daily of being too tall, too fat, too thin, too ugly, too whatever. You can say “well your sisters were jealous and mean.” Maybe. Maybe not. Because my sister in law treats me the same way. So does my MIL. So I don’t think you can say it’s one person’s jealousy, if all people feel the same way. I’m glad they are brave enough to be honest with me so that I don’t run around being confident and making a fool of myself.
            My husband is a great guy. He deserves to be happy. I feel badly that he settled. I don’t want him to leave me, nor do I think he will, but I do feel sad for him that all he can do is wonder what he’s missing out on.
            Do I know his every thought? No. That’s probably a good thing. But since he is quiet and doesn’t elaborate on his feelings much, I can only go by what I read. That may not be the best idea, but it’s all I’ve been able to figure out thus far.

            • B,
              My apologies. It seems I must be mixing you up with someone else. However, since we’re already talking and this may be helpful even though you don’t know me, I’m going to share a couple more things with you. Your sentence “In real life I have to put on a mask and try to act happy and confident.” may be a clue to some of your distress. By putting on this mask, you prevent intimacy. Perhaps what you really long for is intimacy and you’ve mistakenly equated sex for intimacy. We cannot be deeply known when we wear masks. You can’t deeply know your husband either while wearing your mask. No matter how good a mask it is, it will prevent you from seeing a complete picture as the mask interferes with your sight. Sometimes slight distortions in vision are even more damaging because we fail to recognize they are there. When you wear the mask too much you hide from yourself as well.

              You also said “To me, self-absorbed people think they are spectacular. ” Some self-absorbed people do think they are spectacular, but there are just as many self-absorbed people that think they’re not. I’m speaking as a recovering self-absorbed person here so not judgment. Self-absorbed people are so busy thinking about how everything relates to themselves that they have difficulty seeing things outside themselves accurately. They are certain that other people are not as adept as they are at reading people and situations. They have difficulty accepting that what seems to be true and right in a situation is not accurate because they gauge almost everything on their perception of the situation. No matter how the other person tries to tell them differently they are convinced they are perceiving things the other person is just unaware or is choosing to be dishonest about (regardless of their motive for being dishonest.) So yes, as hard as it is to hear, you have been unteachable in this area. Being unteachable is about pride. The fact that others may put you down (which may be accurate or misperception, I, often in the past, misquoted someone based on what I heard rather than what they said. That was part of the self-absorption) doesn’t change the fact that valuing your own opinion so highly is prideful. Some of the most self-deprecating people are also the most prideful. Being humble is not devaluing yourself, it is rightly recognizing your value. Not over or underestimating it. You have many wise counselors telling you that your thinking is messed up in regards to how your husband sees you, but you continue to insist you are right. That you can see “it” with your own eyes and that makes it true.

              My son is color blind. If he tells me something is green when everyone else tells him it’s brown, and if he insists that it must be green because he can see that it’s green, then this is foolish and prideful. My dad used to say “If several people tell you, you have a tail. You better turn around and look. ;)

              • Thank you, hiswifeagain, for your reply. I’ve been thinking about what you wrote for a while. Maybe I am self-absorbed. I never thought I was because I do care very much about other people. I don’t like to see anyone sad or ill or in need, and by nature I’m a pretty nurturing person. I always thought self absorbed people only cared about themselves. But from what you are saying, I can see your point.
                I don’t really like it, because it’s just one more way in which I dont measure up, but I’m glad you pointed it out so I can at least be aware of it, try to change it, or at least try to pray about it. Although ironically I have a terrible time praying for myself because THAT seems terribly self absorbed to me. I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just sharing how I feel. I feel like there are so many more important things to pray about. But I could try.
                Unteachable. I’m not so sure. This one requires more thought. I’m actually very willing to listen to the opinions or ideas of others, but whether I agree with them or not is another thing. (Interestingly, Lori linked to a blog post about being teachable this past week, and I found it very interesting). But I’m not sure I’d agree that I’m unteachable – so I’ll have to think on that one.

                Thank you for taking the time to write. You’ve given me a lot of food for thought.

    • @B

      You say – The waitress that is his physical type is “everything he desires in a woman”? How do you know? How would HE know, unless all that he, a mature man, desires, is a certain physical type? Sorry, that just sounds really shallow. Surely most normal, husbands (I realize some are abusive) realize that would be ridiculous and appreciate the wholeness of their wives.

      That said, I struggle with this, too. My husband likes to tell me what dresses he likes. I hardly ever wear dresses and he doesn’t seem concerned with the other nice outfits I pick, but when it comes to dresses, I guess I do ask him because they seem more special. And it always bugs me when he has Strong Opinions. But I understand that he wants me to look my best, he wants to be proud of me. Deep down, that’s what I want for myself. I just wish I was more naturally able to put the looks together that he likes. And I wish he would voice his approval more often. He says he thinks it, but doesn’t say it. Sigh.

      • Well because we are talking preferences, and if she is what he prefers and I am not, then I am automatically the loser. I might as well not even be there. How could he possibly be enjoying his time with me, if his mind cannot help but keep returning to a better woman? Attractiveness is very much a part of desire. Whether it should be, whether we want it to be, it just is.
        I think my husband appreciates the wholeness of me, and that’s while we’re still together. But if we are talking about preference of physical beauty, I lose. It just is what it is. I have to accept it. I don’t have to like it. I’d be lying if I said It didn’t bother me, or that I was confident enough not to care.

    • @B – I never said “good enough” and I don’t know any men who say or feel this way. My wife is not “good enough” – she is a fantastic fit for me. Because looks are really a very minor thing, a change in how she looks would not change how I feel, nor mean I was settling.
      To use your analogy, you like red plates but the restaurant is out of red so you get the food you want on a blue plate. Does that spoil the meal or mean you are settling? Not at all.
      As for the other, I would bet your fear is magnifying it. I’m not saying your husband doesn’t notice the waitress, but I bet he notices her far less than you do and forgets her long before you do.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Does Grumpy Come From Not Feeling Appreciated?My Profile

      • I’m sorry Paul, but your analogy is not the same thing. Plate color is irrelevant. Enjoyment and satisfaction of a food is a better analogy. Plate color is too simple. Physical beauty is WAY more important to most men than something as simple as plate color. Why else would all of the marriage advice blogs, books, etc. keep telling us “men are visual, men are visual, men are visual…” It is drilled into us that the visual is critically important to most men.
        I’m pretty sure that when the gorgeous waitress is smiling at my husband, the last thing he is thinking about is my personality.

        • @B – Our brains LOVE novelty. I mean LOVE, LOVE, LOVE novelty! This video shows an experiment to see if people would take the stairs over the escalator if they made the stairs “fun”.

          It worked, people took the stairs. But, why? Was it just because they were now “fun”? It wasn’t as much about the stairs being fun as it was about the novelty of it. If every staircase had this musical feature, most people wouldn’t keep using the stairs. It’s something that got their attention at first because it was different. After the novelty wears off, people will revert back to using the escalator because that is their real preference.

          So, yes, men are visual. A physically beautiful woman will temporarily catch their eye. But, that doesn’t mean she is their preference. It means she was different and caught their attention. Just because she caught their attention doesn’t mean they want to be with her.

          Our brains are wired to perk up when something is novel. Novelty will always capture our attention. Our brains are also wired to love predicability. If we lived in a world of complete novelty, we would go crazy from all the stimulation. We need predicability in order to balance out novelty. For both men and women, there will always be novelty in our daily encounters with the opposite sex. While that excites the brain, it is our spouse who gives us the comfort we need to be at peace.

        • @B “Physical beauty is WAY more important to most men than something as simple as plate color.”

          Really? Says who? I’m a man, and to me it’s that unimportant. From my discussion with other men I don’t think I am totally out of step on here. Preferences are NOT big things, they are minor.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: No Kid ZoneMy Profile

          • Paul, you ask really, says who? Not to be contrary, but pretty much every marriage book and blog post out there. The mantra is “men are visual, men are visual, men are visual…” It’s practically pounded into our heads! There is so much contradictory information out there. Looks don’t matter, looks DO matter – be yourself, be what your husband likes – if you don’t let him look at you he’ll look elsewhere, he will look elsewhere no matter what you do so it’s not your fault – he can’t help but store the images of better women in his head for later, he forgets her as soon as she’s out of his line of sight. Contradictions, contradictions, contradictions! How on earth am I supposed to know what to believe?
            On one hand, I’m trying to process all the things the kind folks here have said, and on the other hand I feel like just giving up.

            • @B,
              You inserted the word “better” before women. Nobody else is saying they are “better”, that’s a lie of the enemy to stir up division between you and your husband. You need to stop listening to those lies and start listening to what your husband tells you. Stop siding with the enemy and turn and stand shoulder to shoulder with your husband against the enemy. Or I guess you can continue this thinking and maybe drive wedges between you by refusing to trust him emotionally and accept that what he says about how he feels and what he thinks. You are tearing down your house with your own hands with distorted perception and thinking. Just stop it, okay. :) The attention you’re getting here is a poor substitute for the attention you’re looking for. I would guess your husband feels d@mned if he does and d@mned if he doesn’t. Can you imagine how disheartening that must be?

              • @hiswifeagain, I apologize for annoying you and coming off as attention seeking.
                First of all, if they weren’t better, then why would a husband waste his time looking twice? And why would the enemy bother to lie about something so trivial?
                Second, what if I let my guard down, agree to stop believing what is right before my eyes and blindly trust his words (that he knows he is supposed to say) – and it turns out I was right and he was wrong? Then where did that get me except tricked into being over-confident.
                Can I just tell you, and I don’t know how to explain this, but to me it feels SO WRONG to be confident and believe compliments? To me, that feels so wrong, so prideful, even sinful at times. You know there are people out there who are stuck on themselves and thrive on compliments. I do not want to be that person.
                Speaking of feeling d—ed if you do and d—ed if you don’t, that’s EXACTLY how I feel. If I continue believing what I believe, then everyone in blog world hates me and thinks I’m a self centered egotistical brat, plus I’m unhappy believing I’m not even close to good enough for my husband. If I change my way of thinking to believe I’m super special and all that and beautiful and all deserving of his love, then I will feel like a self centered egotistical brat, and I’ll be unhappy with the conceited person I have become. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation.

                • I have a couple questions for you B. I’ve seen a lot off your comments on some of the blogs i follow. I can’t be 100% sure, but i think they’re all the same B.
                  1. How difficult is it for you to take a compliment on something you value, like your specialty dish you make every year, or maybe your awesomely decorated house? You have to be great at something. I’m finding that I’m really good at gravy, of all things. And i mean compliments from other people, not your husband.

                  2. How often do you speak to your family of origin?

                  Ill have follow up questions based on your answers. I pray for you every day. I feel like i can relate to you.

                • @B,
                  Why would he look twice if she weren’t better? This question is one of the reasons I’m telling you I believe you to be unteachable. This question has been answered multiple times by different people in multiple ways and yet you still insist that he looks twice be she is “better” than you. There are so many reasons he might look twice that have nothing to do with you or how you look. Not everything is about you.

                  Why would the enemy lie about something trivial? “He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44b

                  Why would I want you to stop believing what is right before your eyes? Because you are color blind in this area. You’re seeing green instead of brown because your eyes are faulty. You see what you expect to see and your warped perception causes it to look differently than it would if it weren’t warped. Remember funhouse mirrors? Are you going to believe that image because it’s right before your eyes?

                  You can’t trust your feelings. The fact that it feels wrong to accept compliments and be confident is false humility. That’s actually quite opposite of true humility.
                  You’re making wild assumptions about people hating you because we’re trying to help you see the faulty thinking that you’re repeatedly presenting here. For someone that says she thinks so little of herself, how is it that you think that you have the power to cause “everyone in the blog world to hate” you because you’re stubbornly hanging onto this? So it’s conceited to be confident and choose to believe our husbands when they tell us to them we are beautiful? I will anticipate your answer will be “No it’s not conceited for you to believe it because _________. (Fill in the blank with any reason you like.) So I will just go ahead and ask, why are you so special that it would be conceit for you to believe it, but it’s not conceited of us to believe it. If you do think it’s conceited of us then I guess we’ll just disagree.
                  Don’t you think it’s time to lay this issue to rest and face the real issue of you’re scared to death of intimacy and this is a smokescreen to help you avoid facing that issue?

                • @Molly, I just don’t like compliments. They actually make me incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes somewhat suspicious.

                  I talk to my mom about once a week. I talk to my sisters six to ten times a year. My dad died when I was a teenager.

                • @hiswifeagain, I totally get that not everything is about me. There is a podcast by Dr. Eggerichs (Love and Respect) about how awful it makes some women feel when their husbands look at other women in front of them, and why. Maybe that will help you understand how I feel. Not all of us are blessed with the confidence and boldness you seem to possess.

                  And you are the one making “wild assumptions” thinking that I think I have power to make people hate me. They just do. I should just not talk or write because no matter what I say, someone is always unhappy. For example, you do not know me personally, or what I may have been through in my life, and yet you’ve already made the decision that I am a self absorbed, attention seeking, disrespectful wife – based on my insecurity and my sadness at not feeling like I’m enough for my husband.

                  And your “why are you so special” comment? You sound EXACTLY like my oldest sister putting me in my place. Thanks for that. A slap in the face would have been preferred.

                  • @B,
                    The comment about why are you so special was not meant to put you in your place. It was to help you see the place you’ve put yourself in. The intent wasn’t to cause harm. The intent was to help you start to accept responsibility for your situation. Believing people hate you because you continue to believe the same thing despite all sound reason is self-imposed victimhood. Nobody here hates you. It seems when we offer helpful suggestions based in truth rather than trying to console you in your pain, you see that is hating you. For months upon months, people have offered you sympathy and tried to boost your confidence in yourself and you’re stuck in the same self-defeating attitude. I thought perhaps hearing a little hard truth from someone that’s been in the “I’m not loved or lovable” victim mentality would perhaps help more than more sympathetic comments that have failed to help you bring about any real growth. You have to accept responsibility for your own attitude and how it’s affecting your life and marriage. Blaming circumstances, your husband, your family of origin, or people on the internet will never get you to a place where you can love and be loved the way you indicate you want. Responsibility is the cure for an attitude of victimhood. James MacDonald says “Attitudes are patterns of thinking formed over long periods of time.”
                    I believe your comments over these many months demonstrate an attitude of victimhood. When you change your thinking, you will be able to change your attitude. That’s what people have repeatedly tried to help you do. If you don’t want to change your role attitude, please be honest about that and we can all stop trying to help you change your thinking.

                    I understand feeling defensive about my suggestions that your comments make you appears self-absorbed and unteachable. I’ve been there too. It was a verbal slap in my face from someone I didn’t know personally that helped me take a good hard look at myself and decide I had some maturing to do. I hope you will set aside the reflexive defensiveness and allow yourself to believe that I mean you no harm and that perhaps there is value in what I’ve shared with you. I wouldn’t have spent so much time replying if I didn’t care about you. You are my sister in Christ and I want to see you break free from this stronghold.
                    Blessings, HWA

                  • B. As I thought about what you said, the reality is you’re putting your husband in a hard position. For instance, you look at a past event where you say “He asked me because another girl left.”

                    Well guess what. He still asked you as Amazing Ace said and secondly, he can’t change what happened. It’s in the past. It’s done. Do you expect him to change the past? Because you are still living in it, does that mean he is? I bet he doesn’t even remember this girl. If he does, it’s something fleeting.

                    Second, there seems to be this attitude of “I could trust him, but what if….” The problem here is that when a woman thinks this, she seems to also think she’s not good enough for her husband, but she’s also implicitly saying he’s not good enough for her. “I could trust you, but what if you do something to hurt me.” This is putting a conditional statement on the trust. “I will trust you, provided I think it’s entirely safe for me to do so and if I risk any chance of any hurt, I won’t trust you.” Unfortuantely, no one can live up to that. No one can prove that they will never hurt you in the future. In fact, you can be guaranteed that in some ways, they will. I will hurt my wife somehow in the future. She will hurt me. That’s inevitable.

                    I would ask “What if God treated you the same way?” What if God looked at your past and said “Because you did this in the past, I won’t give you all of my love.” What if He had said “Unless I can be sure you won’t do anything wrong against my honor, I won’t send my Son to you?” We’d all be in trouble.

                    Give your husband some grace. Give yourself some grace. You have this life with your husband. There’s no reset button. You can give him a relationship with more of the nature of heaven or of hell, but you can’t do both. It’s your choice.
                    Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/20/2017: Matthew BatesMy Profile

                • Perhaps IF you would choose to start looking at yourself through God’s eyes you might see an amazing change in yourself. It’s not prideful or sinful to have confidence in yourself as a daughter of the King. We should take pride in the person God created and walk with confidence in His Love.

                  Regardless of what you believe, obviously there was and is something within yourself that attracted your husband to you. He would not have married you otherwise. Give the guy a break. You say he tells you he thinks you are beautiful, that you are who he wants and that he loves you…at least I believe that’s what I remember you often saying…so BELIEVE him for goodness sake! You said in one of your comments something to the effect of just saying “thank you” because you feel the need to, but if a ‘thank you’ is not heartfelt it is usually pretty obvious to the person on the receiving end.

                  If you continue believing the lies that others have put into your head — that you are not attractive enough, the wrong height, the wrong hair color, etc — no one hates you but you. You alone are making yourself unhappy. It’s truly a choice and until you choose to work on burying those lies and living in the Truth of who you are, both yourself and likely your husband will be miserable.

                  Lately, I’ve had some real self-image issues as entering menopause has caused excess weight gain and other not fun things. I’ve found myself being negative towards myself and even disliking a beautiful woman that passes by in my husband’s line of vision because I tell myself I do not measure up to her and he surely wishes I looked like her. But while my husband’s eye may wander her direction, and honestly mine does too when there is an attractive person in front of me, I know that at the end of the day it is ME he goes home with, cuddles with, makes love to and shares his life with. It is ME he chose. So I have learned to capture those negative thoughts and replace them instead with God’s truth of who I am. And I sincerely thank my husband when he compliments me and says he loves me because in doing so I’m accepting a wonderful gift from him that he is offering to me.

                  Psalm 139:14
                  1 Peter 3:3-4
                  Song of Songs 4:7
                  Proverbs 31:30

                  And honestly, maybe it’s time you took a break from reading all these blogs. You only seem to come away upset even more from what I see of your comments on this blog and several others. If what Paul and others are saying only makes you feel worse, then take a break. And maybe where you need to be putting your energies is in prayer and having a heart felt talk with your husband.

                  I pray for you, B. Sorry for your unhappiness, I hope you find healing so you can experience a loving abundant life.

                  Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

              • I ask these questions because my family of origin has done a number on me, and i think your family has done a number on you. You said, if i remember correctly, that your family makes fun of your height and hair. And i think i remember you saying that they have always been quick to cut you down whenever you’ve accomplished something or won something.

                My family is abusive. The older i get, and the more is them interact with children and other people, the more i see how toxic they are. I try to limit my kids’ exposure to them because I’m trying to raise my kids better.

                My family had me convinced i was unwanted, that i was a terrible wife who can’t keep a house, can’t cook, can’t clean, whose husband will leave me when he wised up. They have been critical of every parenting decision I’ve made. They make fun of me at every turn. I hear their voice every time i attempt everything. I’ve felt frozen, because any decision i make is wrong. Its either a bad decision or I’ll never be able to pull out off. My wedding was a hot mess. Instead of helping me out, every single person did whatever they felt like. That was 14 years ago, and sometimes i still have trouble looking back on it.

                I ask about the compliment because you have to be good at something. Its natural for normal people to compliment. Do you ever get compliments on your clothes? How awesome a party you threw was? How well behaved your kids are? How you make a killer quiche. How you have a great eye with a camera? Anyhing?
                Everyone is good at something, and there is nothing wrong with taking compliments.

                I don’t think everyone hates you. I think people are frustrated. Not one person hates you, that I’ve ever seen. They might get a little passionate. Every single person has been trying to tell you that you are worth something.I’ve seen people telling you that you’re worth something, and you argue back that you’re not. That’s frustrating for anyone.

                I have a couple more questions.
                1. Is there anything you’re good at?
                2. Do you know you’re a child of God?
                3. Do you know the bible is true?
                4. Do you have kids, or at least someone younger who looks up to you? Do you teach Sunday school or some other mentor role?

            • @B – I think the problem in that is you are hearing something “men are visual” that which is not being said.
              When I’m talking with someone and there is a TV in the room I do my best to sit where I can’t see the TV. I’m very distracted by a TV, even if the sound is off. It has nothing to do with what is on, it could be sports – which I care nothing about. If I can see the TV I am going to glance at it no matter how hard I try to not do that. This is true even if what is on is something I wouldn’t watch if I were alone and bored silly.
              It would be reasonable for the person I’m with to think I’m more interested in the TV than I am them. It would also be dead wrong. The fact that the TV draws my attention doesn’t mean I prefer it over the conversation I’m trying to have. The TV is nothing but an annoying distraction for me.
              Yes, men are visual, and sexual images get out attention. If you make any conclusions beyond that you may be dead wrong.

              As to the contradiction, part of this is the fact men are not all alike. Some are decent guys, and some are selfish jerks. I’ve heard nothing to indicate your married to the latter, so I think you can ignore the things that only apply to jerks.

              • Interesting example. At times my husband will pause the TV if I’d like to talk for a minute. Our cable company has this screen saver thing that pops up and has changing headlines when your TV is paused. He will get so engrossed in the changing headlines, that I usually say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, I’ll come back later.” Then he gets mad at me for leaving and sometimes he’ll say “I wasn’t even watching the TV” but he totally was. Maybe he didn’t mean to, but it absolutely seemed like he was more interested in the TV than in what I was saying. I could never understand why he’d get so mad that I was actually trying to be respectful by leaving him alone to read his headlines.

                • Ya know, B, one thing I find you say a lot in your comments here and other places is how you can never understand why your husband gets so mad when as you said in the above comment “I was actually trying to be respectful by leaving him alone to read his headlines” or in other comments you will make similar comments something to the affect of — “I could never understand why he gets so mad when I leave the room so he can look at the beautiful woman on tv” or “I can never understand why he gets so mad when I apologize for not being his type” or whatever. I cannot remember exact examples but this type of statement is something you share a lot.

                  Trying to be respectful to him by leaving him alone to read his headlines??? Really??? You really believe that?? And you really cannot understand why he gets upset?? Or do you just feel angry that his attention was drawn elsewhere when you were trying to talk to him?? So you then try to turn it around on here that you were only being respectful of him by leaving the room so as not to bother him while he was reading the headlines. Then I’m assuming he comes after you or later asks you why you walked away and you say how you could see he was more interested in reading the headlines so you wanted to respect that and left. Is that about right??
                  How about next time something like that happens you simply say, “Honey, I really need to talk with you and need your full attention, would you mind if we turned off the tv for a few so you’re not distracted?”

                  Do you really not get it? Or do you just choose to continue playing the martyr and poor me persona?

                  I’m sorry, but after reading your comments for the past couple years I see absolutely no change in anything you say about yourself or your husband. You refuse to accept yourself for who you are and refuse to accept that your husband loves you for you.

                  I lived with an abusive man for 20 years of my life, and while I do not know you personally or your husband and therefore cannot say 100% there is no abuse going on but I don’t really get a hint of that from the way you describe him. I really don’t see any negativity you have towards him, you aim all that at yourself. You seem to describe him as loving and caring, telling you how beautiful you are, how he loves you, etc. so therefore I’m assuming from the way you write about him abuse is not part of the equation, at least in your marriage…and I pray not.
                  You obviously grew up in an abusive home and it sounds like still deal on occasion with your abusive family.

                  You obviously have some real issues to deal with from your past from you’ve described here. I don’t think joint marriage counseling is going to resolve much for you, I believe you need individual therapy to sort out your own issues, then come together as a couple.

                  I pray for you B and don’t mean to sound harsh, but I believe there is something deeper going on here and nothing will change until you choose to make those changes and/or get help resolving past issues.

                  Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

                • Amy, if the offer still stands, I think I will email you privately. There’s is a lot I don’t share on here because it is personal and I do not want to talk negatively about my husband. There is more to the story.

                • Keep in mind that some people listen better when they are not staring right back at you. I have a child who cannot focus on school work unless they are physically engaged in something. I have another child who listens best if we allow their eyes to look around rather than stare at us. At work or at school it is required of them to be still and look,attentive, so at home we allow them the luxury of doing what they need, not what others expect.

                • Okay. From my perspective, I’d be an upset husband too. Here’s why.

                  I pause what I’m watching to talk to you and then when I look away for a bit or so, you decide that that isn’t good enough and that you’ll come back later. I would be upset thinking “Nothing I do is good enough. As soon as I make one mistake, I have to live with it.”

                  I really think grace is the solution.
                  Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Tyrant: Rise of the BeastMy Profile

        • I think you need to listen to what others are telling you. I agree with Paul. I think truly all women are beautiful and my wife is beautiful to me physically, but her beauty transcends the physical. It’s the beauty of knowing a woman so well and sharing so much with her.
          Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/20/2017: Matthew BatesMy Profile

          • “Truly all women are beautiful”

            I guess it is contextual. Mother Theresa vs Ashley Judd. Different types of beauty and different kinds of not-so-beautiful.

    • Okay, so I’ve been wondering something for a while now, and now seems as good a time as any to ask. What exactly do you imagine would change about your marital situation if it was possible for you to magically transform yourself into what you have described as your husband’s preferred type, namely a brown-haired shorty? Do you think he would stop looking at all the other brown-haired shorties in the world he sees? Remember, he would still like that incredibly common hair color and body type on others just as much as he would on you in that hypothetical scenario. There’s no reason to assume he would stop looking at other women even if you did conform more closely to his preference.

      I know this will probably seems like an unkind thing for me to say to you, but I’m trying to help you, not hurt you. I’m trying to really drive home the fact that your husband’s problem is HIS problem, NOT yours. It’s not a failing on your part, it’s his failing. If his eyes wander, it’s not (I repeat: NOT!!!) because you are physically flawed in any way or aren’t good enough for him, it’s because he hasn’t learned to control them and see at you properly, the way he ought to. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. This isn’t your burden, it’s his, so put it down and stop trying to carry it for him. Stop blaming yourself for his shortcomings. It ain’t right. Just stop.

    • @B – Hiswifeagain is giving you good advice. What she says about venerability and intimacy is especially important. As many have told you here and on other blogs, this issue really is more about you than it is about your husband. It seems much of the doubt and ideas you have about your husband are really about the self-doubt and low self image that was instilled in you as a child. I’m so sorry for that! This may be a poor analogy, but your thinking reminds of an anorexic. No matter how much others tell them they are bone skinny and malnourished, they see themselves as fat. It appears you have been conditioned to think things about yourself that are not true. So when others do speak the truth to you, you can’t believe them. You even rationalize reasons why people would lie to you about these things. You have definitely been lied to, but not from the people who are trying to help you now. Your husband has no reason to lie to you about these things. He chose you and he loves you.

      Every time I read your comments like this, I wonder the same thing. How do you define beauty? It appears your definition of beauty is purely based on physical appearance. Is that true? Also, how do you define love? Is love solely about sex? It also appears you think it is. I’m genuinely curious because these questions seem to be at the heart of your strife.

      Here’s a story that may help you a little with the whole preference thing. My husband and I dated for about a year. Then, we broke up for a few years. Shortly after we broke up, he started dating someone else. She was beautiful and the complete opposite from me in appearance. She was tall and brunette with a great figure. I was short with light brown hair and not nearly as good of a figure. After they started dating I told him one day how pretty I thought she was. (We still had daily contact with each other at the time.) His response was yes, she is beautiful! Ouch!!! I mean, really ouch!!! They dated for several months before breaking up. During the duration we were broken up, he dated a few other girls but only one in particular he really liked a lot. When we ended up getting back together, we discussed the people we had dated and reasons we liked them and reasons we had broken up with them. Here’s the kicker. The “beautiful” girl he dated right after me turned out to be totally opposite of me in every way, not just looks. She was materialistic and demanding. All she seemed to care about was what she could get out of him. Turns out she wasn’t a very nice person either. And then there’s the girl he dated and he really liked. He said he liked her so much because she reminded him of ME! I can totally relate because every guy I dated during that breakup time was also being compared to my husband. And, the funny thing is the guy I liked the most during that time was the one who’s personality was most like my husband’s personality. And, by the way, my husband’s physical appearance has never been my preference either. He’s also opposite of what usually catches my eye. BUT, he is extremely attractive to me because I see his entirety.

      My point: We have many types of preferences. Physical appearance related to attraction is only ONE of them. For most people, our preference in our mate’s personality FAR EXCEEDS our preferences of their physical appearance!!! While someone else may grab our attention for a fleeting moment, our spouse grabs our heart for a lifetime! You have your husband’s heart because of who you are. He chose YOU and wants to be with YOU just as YOU are.

      You continue to be in my prayers.

      • Except…my husband didn’t choose me. According to my brother in law, the day my husband asked me out, he was really planning on asking out a better looking girl (who was a petite brunette, of course). But she had gone home already, so he asked me out instead. So I was NOT his choice, I was just there. So he didn’t choose me. He chose her, and I was the consolation prize. I could have happily lived my life without that helpful piece of information, but I guess my bro in law felt compelled to tell me.

        • B. Did your husband say “I do” to you and commit his life to you?

          If so, then he chose you.

          Time to stop living in the past.

        • He didn’t HAVE to ask you out at all, if he didn’t want to. No one forced him to do it. He could have just gone home as well, as soon as he realized the other woman had left, and not pursued you. But he didn’t go home, he made a conscious decision to walk up to YOU, and ask you out on a date. And yet you say he didn’t choose you? How can you say that? The instant he decided ask you out, he CHOSE you. And again he chose you, when he ask you out for a second date, and a third, and a fourth, and however many more dates, and yet again when he eventually ask you to marry him. And again, he chose you on your wedding day, when he said “I do.” Then he chose you once again, the day after the wedding, when he chose to be your husband again that day, choosing to stand by you. And again, the next day. And the next day. And the next day. And the next, and the next, and the next, day after day, everyday, until this very moment, he has chosen YOU. Countless times, over and over and over again. He has always had the option of choosing someone else, or no one at all. ALWAYS. And yet, there he chooses to stay, every time. With you. Always you. Always, ever, you.

          So don’t you ever say he didn’t choose you. He has, more times than you can ever count.

    • Heck, I am just happy I got to go to a BBQ and eat free food someone else cooked!! Hotdog and hamburger preferences can go hang!!

      Besides, hamburgers are healthier than hotdogs. ;-)

  11. Hi All, thank you for taking the time to comment. I apologize for causing frustration. I do not mean to seem stupid or stubborn, but there is so much to my situation that I do not share. I appreciate all of the helpful things some of you have offered, but I am going to need time to process them all. I am sure you can understand that my issues didn’t start yesterday, and wont be resolved tomorrow.

    I will, however, think on all you have said. I will even try to pray about it.

    Again, apologies for frustrating you. I never meant to play the victim, or the martyr. A close friend called me a “people pleaser” a few months ago, and I was surprised she said it negatively. I have always tried to please everyone, especially my family, because I genuinely want everyone to be happy. I actually don’t care too much if I’m happy, as long as everyone around me is. My friend seems to think this is a bad thing. If I am coming off as a victim or a martyr, than I am becoming the last person I ever wanted to be. I do not see how being over confident can make me a better person and not more like a conceited snob, but I will certainly think about this. I think the stuff HWA said about being self absorbed, albeit negatively, might be something I need to think about the most.

    Okay, I promised myself I wouldn’t ramble this time. Thank you.

  12. I couldn’t read through all the comments for lack of time. I have to disagree that looks don’t matter to a husband. They do. The good news is that husbands know their wives are going to “fill out” when they have children, as their metabolism slows down, and so forth. The same way wives know their husbands will “fill out” as they age, lose hair, and so forth. But as someone once said, we all like eye candy. However, at some point both husbands and wives can let themselves go to the point they are not what their spouse would consider to be “attractive.” From a male perspective, it doesn’t mean the husband doesn’t still love his wife. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife. But if he’s managed to keep himself in decent shape, while his wife is morbidly obese, I guarantee you he’s doesn’t find her as attractive as she once was. Everybody concedes men are visual. Just because they get married doesn’t mean they cease to be visual. Of course, women are visual, too, so it cuts both ways. The vast majority of husbands don’t expect their wives to be bikini models, nor do wives expect their husbands to suddenly become tall, dark and handsome. But at some point the failure to take care of your body will have an impact on your relationship.

    • Different “I couldn’t read through all the comments for lack of time. I have to disagree that looks don’t matter to a husband. They do.”

      I find it interesting that several women are telling at least two men that we are wrong on this.

      It’s not that looks don’t matter as much as they don’t matter nearly as much as most women seem to think.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Open A Door or Carry SomethingMy Profile

  13. Men are visual and women are emotional, right? To deny the importance of looks to a man is akin to denying the importance of emotional connection for a woman. “Unless your husband is an extremely shallow person, what you look like is really not a big deal to him.” This is sheer poppycock. The male is biologically programmed to appreciate female beauty. If his wife is not appealing to him visually does that mean he is allowed to appreciate the beauty of other females? Perish the thought, right? So if he is predisposed to experience sexual arousal visually, then telling him he’s shallow because he cares what his wife looks like is like telling her she’s shallow for caring how sensitive and compassionate her husband is. Typical feminist double standard. Was the husband in Song of Solomon shallow for appreciating his wife’s beauty?

    BTW – I consider my wife pretty hot. She dresses really nice and wears make up, unlike a lot of frumpy wives at church who look like they got their fashion sense from a 1975 Sears catalog. My wife is also very well endowed and that is a source of much enjoyment on my part. But I guess I’m really shallow that way.

    • But is that really the MOST important thing that you love about your wife? Her looks will change over time, you know. What will you do when that happens? Will you love her less, or stop loving her altogether? Do you not love her inner being, who she is, just as much or more than you love her outer shell and how it looks? If you don’t, then yes, you are being shallow. Not saying this to be critical, only stating a fact. It’s a wonderful thing, that you appreciate your wife’s beauty so much. Really, it is. Simply marvelous. And it’s even fine to appreciate other women’s beauty as well. But if that’s the most important thing to you, the thing you love most about your wife to the exclusion of all else, then you aren’t building your relationship on a stable and enduring foundation. It will crumble and fall. It’s only a matter of time.

      • MOST important? After 30 years I sure hope not. But I find this discussion really isn’t so much about whether or not her looks (or mine for that matter) is the MOST important thing. Rather, I find that many people (mostly wives but not always) use this whole line of argument as a rationalization for letting themselves go. If a husband complains about he being overweight, she accuses him of ONLY caring about physical appearance. If she neglects her appearance by never wearing makeup or dressing in a sloppy way, she expects her husband to care about her inner beauty so much that he won’t care how she looks.

        I love my wife for a lot of things. But I still love how she looks and will spend a lot of money on her clothes, makeup, hair stylist, and manicurist. If that makes me shallow, then 30 years of being shallow is just fine by me.

  14. “If your wife isn’t doing her part, that’s for her to work on”

    I’m sorry, but you are not required to suffer in silence as a husband. If your wife is not doing her part she is in violation of the marriage covenant every bit as much as you would be when looking at porn. Sexual refusal and gatekeeping is a serious sin and when a spouse is sinning against another there is no passive deference required. Chores are fine. Choreplay and earning sex are abominations. You should never have to earn sex. You should never have to give it up as an act of “sacrifice.” It is a core function of marriage and it is ridiculous that people on this blog act otherwise.

    Sex is the only thing that separates marriage from platonic roommates. Marriage isn’t marriage without it. Stop suffering and start having sex. Force your wife to openly refuse you. Don’t let her get away with gatekeeping. Relentlessly pursue her and don’t let her off the hook. Make sex easy and comfortable. Make her refusal difficult and uncomfortable. Make her explain her resistance. Take it to the church elders if it persists. Enlist the support of close friends and family.

    Just imagine if your wife discovered you had an affair or were addicted to porn. Would she suffer in silence? Would she appeal to family and friends for moral support in the face of your sin? Would she possibly take it to the elders or the pastors? So why do we just allow this problem to go on? Why are refused spouses just supposed to sit passively by and let their spouses sin without even saying anything?

    • Who said anything about suffering in silence? I didn’t. I just say you can’t force change. You can only change yourself. It’s up to you what steps you take. The first person to always work on is yourself and I agree entirely on sexual refusal. It is a great harm to marriage.
      Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/27/2017: Brian GodawaMy Profile

    • I dont know if you were answering one of my comments but the thing is when do you know she is gatekeeping? And what if she is not gatekeeping but just not interested in sex? My wife isnt a bad person but she says that if she doesnt feel like it she cant do it. I stopped initiating sex a long time ago because well she is only interested when she wants it. As i said in an early comment she can get annoyed when i look at her with desire or say something. Everything sex related is on her terms. You say it is a sin but when is it a sin? LAst time we had sex was two weeks ago. I dont know when next time will be. She showed some interest today and i think it is because its been two weeks and because iv been ignoring her these last day because she got angry one day i looked at her with desire and made a comment. But we havent had sex and we probably wont. THats the hard part for me the inconsistency. I dont know when next time till be the next. When she wants sex its awesome and she enjoys it but its so hard because i dont know when she will feel the same. Lately i think she has been interested because of her hormones. She is pregnant and it is very early so i guess thats why but if this pregnancy is like the last one i guess i will have to wait two years until she will want to have regular sex. We started to have a little more sex(“only” two weeks apart) 1 1/2 year after her pregnancy. And i know that pregnancy is hard, and i know that the body doesnt work the same but after such a long time there could be more. So i dont know if she is gatekeeping or if im being unreasonable. Its just so hard when your sexuality is in another persons hand. I know people say: “thats what a relationship is all about”. But what do i have then? Nothing. I try to be a good husband so that i may receive something while she receives everything for me without me expecting anything back. I know i know i must be more Christlike and do everything for her without expecting anything back because God will reward me in heaven and etc. But it is still hard and i hate it. Thats what im saying. Our sexdrives arent good. Its evil! It was good but just as us its bad! We were good but with sin we became bad and its the same with our sexuality it was good before, in the garden of eden but now it is evil, its wicked and it doesnt do anything good for us. It destroys us.

      • Gatekeeping or refusing:

        Only when mutually agreed upon are you to not have sexual relations. Make sure you get an obvious “no” and then you have a case. Don’t just guess as to whether she is refusing. Make her declare her intentions to decline. You cannot let her off the hook.

        There was a case of a guy who kept his wife’s excuses on a spreadsheet:

        I don’t know if I would go that far, but if you were going to present a case to an elder at the church it could help (don’t count on getting any support from them, though. Ugh!) What you need to do is make sure that she is actually saying “no”. Ask yourself, “How much sex do I really want (need)? Then pursue her until you either get it or you get a solid “no.”

        Then you have something to pray about. Ask God to convict her about her lack of compassion for her husband’s sexual desires. Read He has a lot of resources about sexual refusal in marriage. Understand that sex is a right just as much as her right to your love. Fulfill your responsibilities, of course. But don’t suffer in silence and don’t accept less than what you think you are entitled to. Stop letter her dictate the terms and conditions of sex. That’s gatekeeping 101. It’s wrong and she should be called out for it. If she persists, seek outside counsel.

        The worst thing is to just feel sorry for yourself and expect God to issue a special dispensation of higher libido for your wife. If she needs medical help, go get it. There are medications and strategies for dealing with low libidos. Read Bonnie’s Oyster Bed:

        You cannot ultimately control your wife’s behavior. But you cannot passively sit by and let this pattern persist or you will be 60 years old and look back on your sexless life and start despising your marriage. Don’t let it get to that.

        If God grants you the patience to accept the situation, then you will have the patience to accept it. But only pray for that after exhausting all other alternatives.

  15. Well this is depressing. I just read on another blog that men cannot change their preferences.

    “Whatever his preferences are (learned or otherwise – which CANNOT be changed after early associations and resulting brain synapses have been formed, btw), are what they are.”

    So that tells me that my husband cannot truly love me or find me beautiful if I look nothing like his preferences, which cannot be changed. So shouldn’t he have held out for the woman that fit those preferences so that he may experience true love and happiness?

    I certainly might be in the “she’ll do” category, but I’ll never be special to him. Not as long as there are hundreds of women around that he actually would prefer.

    You all almost had me convinced until I read that other post. * sigh *

    • Preferences cannot be changed?

      Bull. I’d like to see the source for that.

      B. It honestly looks like you’ll believe anything immediately that agrees with you, but seem hyper-skeptical about anything that disagrees with you. That’s a problem to have.
      Nick Peters recently posted…Deeper Waters Podcast 5/27/2017: Brian GodawaMy Profile

      • It is a HUGE problem to have. I will agree with you there.

        • Look B. Here’s the deal. I’m a Christian apologist. I deal in sound reasoning and logical argumentation. When I see a claim made, I can’t look at just the conclusion. It could be a conclusion I agree with, but that doesn’t mean there’s a good reason to agree with it. The argument could be poor. There are a lot of bad arguments for the existence of God. Thus, I have to be a skeptic.

          So when I see a claim I have to ask these questions.

          What is the data?
          Does the data support the conclusion?
          Is there any other conclusion that the data could lead to?
          How good is the source?

          Those are the kinds of questions I ask, and I ask them of everyone. My father-in-law is a NT scholar. He’s very well known in the field to anyone who does apologetics, and yet I still check much of what he tells me to make sure.

          If a bunch of people here are telling you something, including men, and you read one article that says otherwise and throw out everyone else, that’s a problem. It tells me that more emotion is what makes you reach your conclusion than reasons and evidence.

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