Be The Good Kind of Tease

In days gone by a man would call a woman a tease if she led him to believe she would have sex with him but then didn’t or did something far less than she had hinted she would do. Being that kind of a tease was seen as a very bad thing.

But there’s another kind of tease that most men find to be a very good thing – the women who teases and then pleases.

A lot of women don’t like to be teased sexually. Given that sex can be difficult for a woman, I get this. If you struggle to reach orgasm, being stopped just short is NOT a good thing. But men usually have no problem reaching orgasm and being taken close and then held off is something most men enjoy and some men enjoy a great deal. Likewise for being teased with arousal that doesn’t lead to sex immediately. 

Sexual teasing falls into two categories; arousal teasing and stimulation teasing. Every man has a limit for each of these. Sexually teasing a man makes sex a longer process, which means he can enjoy it more. It also builds his arousal, which makes his eventual climax better. 

Arousal Teasing:

This is about making him crazy horny without much or any actual physical stimulation. It’s about turning him on and leaving him that way for a while. 

  • Arouse his with your words. Tell him, in explicit terms, what you’re going to do to him later. Then tell him you’ve changed your mind, and instead, you are going to do something else – which you also explain in detail. Alternatively, outline several possibilities and ask him which one he wants.
  • Visual teasing is easy effective. You can give him an occasional quick flash, leave an extra button or two undone on your blouse, undress over an hour or more while watching TV, or spend the evening in lingerie or fully nude. You can also use mystery to tease. Wear a short skirt and sit so he can almost see if you have anything on under the skirt. Tease him repeatedly before showing him enough to confirm what he hopes without yet showing him what he most wants to see. 
  • Touching your sexual parts under, through or without clothes is an especially effective way to tease him.  This couples well with the method above.
  • Use technology. Send texts telling him what’s going to happen later, or what you are or aren’t wearing. If you want to play at “sexting” in a safe way send him a picture of your sexiest panties on the floor around your feet. Or send him a picture of your bed with one corner turned down.
  • Get him to touch you in sexual ways, from kissing to foreplay. Do this while he remains fully dressed and you don’t touch him in return.

Stimulation Teasing:

Put simply, you do things you would do as foreplay or to give him orgasm but you stop before he climaxes. You can take him to the brink of orgasm, get just close enough to make him think you might finish, or stop well short of climax. Do this as many times as he can handle, either in short succession or every five or ten minutes over an hour or more.

Most men enjoy repeatedly reaching the brink of orgasm without finishing. In addition to making their climax far better when you finally give it to him, being that close is almost as pleasurable as an orgasm. This is as near as most men will ever get to multiple orgasms. This should only be done when you plan to stay with it till he does climax. Unless he asks for it, don’t do this and leave him that way for very long.

If you want to take him very close, manual sex is your best option. You have the control, and he can’t finish himself with a quick thrust as he could during intercourse. Additionally, you can watch his body for clues as to close he is to climax. His face, his breathing, and the way he holds or moves his legs can all communicate his arousal level. His penis and testicles are especially good indicators. At high levels of arousal, his testicles pull up close to his body. When he’s very close to climax, the head of his penis will change colour and/or texture. With practice, you will know exactly where he is and how much more you can do without taking him over the top.

One thing you may have to learn is when “Don’t stop” means don’t stop and when it means keep teasing him. He may beg you to finish him when he really wants you to keep going. Test this by stopping one more time when he asks you to finish, and then after he does climax and regains the ability to speak ask him if he’s glad you stopped or wishes you had kept going.

A Few Things to Know:

  • If you keep him on the edge a long time before he climaxes, he may lose his erection far more slowly than usual after orgasm. If you want to use that for your pleasure give him half a minute so he doesn’t get over stimulated. 
  • Men, especially older men, can lose their erection even when they are highly aroused. If you stop stimulation and he wilts it doesn’t mean he has lost interest!
  • Prolonged arousal and/or handling his penis more than usual may cause him to be sore the next day. Odds are he will think it was more than worth it. Keeping him lubricated will reduce the problem. Prolonged arousal can also result in some puffy swelling that may remain for a time after he climaxes. This is harmless and will go away on its own.
  • Long periods of high arousal without release can cause problems and in some men and can even lead to significant pain. Ejaculating will take care of this, leaving nothing but a dull ache which goes away with time. If you’ve never teased him before, start easy and build up. Find his comfort levels both mentally and physically. 
  • Long term teasing can result in a lot of pre-ejaculatory fluid even in men who don’t normally get much or any. This fluid is clear, thin, and slippery. Unless he has climaxed recently, it doesn’t contain sperm.
  • Done well, teasing followed by pleasing will leave a man in no condition to do much of anything. Don’t expect intelligent conversation, and don’t count on him being able to do a good job of providing you with an orgasm. Either tease and please when you don’t intend to climax or make your orgasm part of the teasing. Get him close, then tell him it’s women first night and ask him to take care of you, or do it yourself while he watches. 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I suggest you try this soon!

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © pixs:sell |

Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
Where we’re going Contact us about speaking

26 Comments on “Be The Good Kind of Tease

  1. Like most posts, I think this is great advice for most wives. However, there will always be outliers, like myself, in which case this would probably backfire.

    Long story short, I (the wife) used to initiate 99% of our encounters. Started reading blogs, realized this was abnormal, felt embarrassed and stopped. Sex life took a dive, my self esteem took a dive. Started working on our relationship, things started to improve.

    Yesterday I went outside of my comfort zone and told my husband that all day I’d been thinking about him coming home from work so we could make love. His reaction? Not what I’d hoped for. He seemed disappointed. I didn’t say anything, stomp off, or even pout. I did get quiet. He then says, with a sigh, “I’ll do whatever you want.” Um, no thanks. Pity sex is not for me. Is it so wrong to want to be desired instead of placated? Oh how I wish he could learn to love and desire me the way I love and desire him. But that is not to be. The love, maybe. The desire, never.

    He did try to act sad later. He even said, ” I feel bad because you asked and I’m not really in the mood and now you’ll be sad and not ask again.” Maybe. Probably. But who cares? If he’s just not into me he’s just not into me. There’s not much he can do about that. You can’t force yourself to love someone or be attracted to them. It just doesn’t work that way.

    I really feel like giving up. When I read posts like this my first thought is “what great advice! Oh how fun!” Only to be quickly followed by the thought, “no dear, that’s not for you. That’s for the wives who have husbands that love and desire them. You’re simply not good enough.”

    • So you just explained why your sex life took a dive — you stopped initiating. So if initiating equals a satisfying sex life for you then why undermine yourself by not doing that??

      What a shame that you received such misinformation about wives initiating being abnormal in some way. Here’s an example I thought of: let’s say you and your husband both love milk shakes from a local ice cream shop, they are the most delicious milk shakes! And in order to satisfy that craving you get, it’s as simple as saying, “hey honey, I’m craving one of those delicious milk shakes, how about we drive over there and get one?” And your husband agrees so you go and get a milk shake. But one day you decide that it’s not right for you to encourage your husband to go because he should be the one taking the lead, so you wait, and wait, and wait until hoping that somehow your husband will just KNOW when you are craving one of those milk shakes. All the while, your craving is getting stronger and stronger, and you finally figure your husband just doesn’t care that you really want a milk shake and then go on to assume that means he doesn’t care for you and your wants and desires. Then it continues to snowball to where once you were being satisfied on a regular basis, now you rarely get a milk shake or at least, very less often than you crave. And it’s all because you are now depending on your husband to know what you desire and to take the lead in making sure you get one.
      When instead, you go to your husband, like you used to, and let him know you really crave a milk shake. But what if he suddenly doesn’t want to go get a milkshake anymore once you start asking again?

      I’m sorry you didn’t the response you hoped for the other day with your husband, but when that used to happen with my husband I finally spoke up one day and told him how it made me feel undesirable to him when he didn’t seem interested or didn’t respond to me when I asked. It took a few times of explaining to him how I need him to show some interest or at least let me know why he doesn’t feel like it at that moment…he’s too tired or needs to finish some truck work, etc. At least that way I don’t feel ignored or like he just doesn’t care.

      “He did try to act sad later.” — and again, you are assuming something about your husband to where it comes across that he is lying when he says — ” I feel bad because you asked and I’m not really in the mood and now you’ll be sad and not ask again.”
      This would have been a good opening for you to talk with him instead of just shutting down and thinking, well no, I probably won’t ask again, but who cares because he obviously doesn’t.
      Use this to open up a dialog about why it hurts you when he doesn’t respond or doesn’t act interested. Tell him that while you may ask again another time it gets harder and harder to do that because of feeling rejected each time. Let him know you understand he’s tired from work, etc or whatever it is that’s happening with him, but you need to feel desired and wanted by him, like you desire and want him.

      Don’t give up, from what you’ve shared with me I think your husband does love you and obviously at one time you two had a more satisfying love life.
      Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

      • The sad reply seems honest to me. I have felt that way before “I don’t feel up to it now, but I don’t want to make you feel like I don’t care about you, care abour your efforts to strengthen the marriage or that I don’t love you”

        I think your real life experience advice is great Amy.

      • But…if you then proceeded to read in 100 different places that most men, the ones who really loved their wives and found them attractive, loved to take their wives for a milkshake as often as possible. The attractive wife almost never has to ask. In fact, many of the trusted blogs encourage wives to “ask your husband for a milkshake” as a SPECIAL treat, as a surprise he will love – NOT as an everyday thing. Because again, most husbands WANT to take their wives for a milk shake without being asked. Some wives even complain that their husband is so attracted to them he wants to give her too many milkshakes!

        Where does that leave the wife who has to beg for a milkshake? Maybe it simply is what is is and I have to learn to accept it. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was attractive or special enough, or loved enough for him to want to buy me that milkshake without me having to ask for it.

        And I’ve tried asking him what’s wrong. What is it about me that is unattractive? But he refuses to answer. He just says silly things like, “I am extremely attracted to you.” That’s nice. Not attracted enough to buy me a milkshake without me having to beg for it.

        I was taught growing up that asking for things was selfish and wrong. If someone wants to give you something, they will. You do not need to ask. Don’t accept charity.

        So that analogy could go both ways.

        • @B “I was taught growing up that asking for things was selfish and wrong. If someone wants to give you something, they will. You do not need to ask. Don’t accept charity.”

          And Jesus said we have not because we ask not.

          Your choice which you live.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…An Evening WalkMy Profile

          • @Paul, point taken.

            Although I must say it is perplexing to me, and somewhat hurtful, that when husbands are rejected sexually they are sympathized with and it is understood how hurtful that is to a man.

            But when I, a woman, express hurt at being sexually rejected by my husband, I am told “oh well, suck it up, buttercup.” Or that it’s my fault for not begging for it.

            Even if I were more confident and willing to beg, you can’t actually force someone to find you sexually attractive or loveable. Nor would I want to put him in that position.

        • Well then, B, guess you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

          Perhaps my analogy was lame or just didn’t really apply, but what I was getting at is how not one of us can know exactly what our spouse is wanting or desiring and sometimes we have to speak up to get what we want. Getting a milkshake has nothing to do with being attractive enough​ or having a loving husband, the best man on earth can’t always know when his wife has a craving.

          And from your previous comment, you obviously had a good sex life and felt good about yourself until the day you quit asking for what you wanted. Too bad, because you obviously have only succeeded in making yourself miserable.

          I’ve tried to offer support even emailing you in which you’ve never responded. Sorry you have developed such a poor esteem because of misinformation you have read. But until you choose to change your way of thinking you will stay stuck in self inflicted misery.

          I do pray for you and will continue to do so.

          • Ugh, I was typing from my phone and didn’t get my info in right!

            It’s Amy, not Amu! LOL

        • Since he says he does find you attractive, maybe don’t ask, “what it is about me that is unattractive,” but rather, “what is it about me that you do find attractive? Please be very specific.” The answer to that question is going to be a lot more revealing about your husband and what’s in his heart. The way you phrased your question puts him on the defensive, and probably made him feel like he can’t or shouldn’t be honest, like there’s no right answer but the one he gave that wouldn’t get him into more trouble. But if you ask him what he does like about you (instead of what he doesn’t), then he’ll be a lot more likely feel like it’s safe to answer freely and honestly.

          I think it likely that he is telling the truth when he says he’s “extremely attracted to you.” I mean, if he wasn’t attracted to you at all, I doubt he would have married you. However, its possible that the word “attractive” may have a different meaning to him than it does to you, that you and he are both using the same word to mean two different things. For example, I am capable of finding many people attractive, but I still don’t actually want to have sex with any of them. I just enjoy looking at them, ’cause they look so good. So for me, if I say, “so-and-so is very attractive,” all I mean is that I find their appearance aesthetically pleasing to look at, and nothing more. Whereas when you say “my husband is very attractive,” what you mean is he is sexually attractive to you, that you desire to do much more with him than just look. Same word, radically different usage and meaning.

          So it may be that part of the problem is that he uses the word differently, to mean something different than what you assume he means, and that has contributed to a small misunderstanding that has grown bigger over time. If you ask him what he finds attractive about you, his answer will tell you HOW he’s attracted to you, in what way. And knowing that is going to be far more useful to you than just knowing what he doesn’t like about you.

          • @AmazingAce, I think you may have hit on something. It could be a question of semantics. So all of this time, when my husband has been saying he does find me attractive, he could very well not have been referring to sexual desirability at all. Like, perhaps he sees me as something okay to look at, like a shiny new truck, or a bunch of daffodils, but not as something able to stir sexual attraction in him. (That’s where the whole preferences thing would come into play, I suppose. But that’s a different topic.)

            So anyway, you could be right. He could be telling the truth when he says he finds me attractive, but that doesn’t mean he finds me sexually desireable. Makes a lot of sense. And then, like the asexual woman Paul mentioned, perhaps he does have sex with me, not as pity necessarily, but because he knows I need that connection in order to feel loved, even if he doesn’t quite find me good enough to arouse desire in him. I guess that’s loving.

            Or at least, it is what it is. So I have to accept that, if I love him, which I do.

            I don’t know why I have such a deep longing to know what it’s like to be a wife who is actually desired. Selfishness, I guess. I need to examine that. And although I will probably never truly know what that feels like, being desireable, I mean, perhaps that’s not what’s important. Perhaps I just need to be thankful for the love he says he feels for me, and just be happy with that. I need to learn to be happy with that. My longings are just making me miserable, so I need to learn to be happy with the platonic love he feels for me.

            Thank you for pointing this possibility out. I’ve never looked at it this way.

            Although, I still wish I could stress to the wives who feel their husbands want sex with them too much, to please realize how truly blesssed you are. You very well may not like it if he changed and decided you were not sexually desireable. Being desireable to your man is a blessing some of us may never know. Please see his sexual desire for you as the loving gift it is.

            • I don’t think you needing to feel a reciprocal desire from your husband means you’re especially selfish, it’s just how you are. Some people really do need that, others don’t. Everyone’s different that way. It’s like how some people have a slow metabolism, and others a fast one. Those with the slow metabolism don’t have to eat as much food as those with the fast metabolism, simply because they don’t need to. They can get all the energy they need to survive from fewer calories. But the same amount of calories would not be sufficient for someone with a fast metabolism, they would slowly starve if they tried to subsist on less than they need. So they have to eat more, ’cause that’s what they need. They aren’t being greedy or selfish, they just have greater needs than others. I think that’s how you are. You have this need to feel sexual desire reciprocated, and that’s not inherently bad. It’s part of who you are.

              Do have that conversation with your husband, though. Don’t assume anything, ask him. I could be right, or I could be wrong, but there’s no way for you to know if I am or not unless you actually have a conversation with him about it. If I am right, it’s then up to you to decide if you can really be satisfied with that, or if you need more.

            • “I don’t know why I have such a deep longing to know what it’s like to be a wife who is actually desired.”

              Uh, could be because you’re married and that’s what we are suppose to feel — desire for our spouse and desired by our spouse.

              I don’t think there’s any word play going on when your husband is saying he finds you attractive, I just think he means what he’s saying. And every time you assume differently, without at least talking with him about it, you are in essence calling him a liar. And yeah, I know, I know, you’ve never CALLED your husband a liar, but you don’t believe what he’s saying is true. So what does that mean?

              I think you have backed your husband into a corner and he goes silent in fear of saying the wrong thing, no matter what he says. He doesn’t say anything and you take that to mean he doesn’t find you desirable. He then speaks up and says he finds you attractive, and you take that to mean he only sees you as something pretty maybe to look at but not enough to create sexual desire in himself.

              So what do you want your husband to do?
              I know you want him to pursue you sexually and because he doesn’t do that you feel unattractive and undesirable.
              I know you want him to be excited about making love when you do approach him instead of seeming uninterested.

              So how do you get those things?
              By asking. By telling him.

              And will he change? At all? Maybe or maybe not, but I would say most likely things will change but it will take time and unfortunately for you, a lot of patience and work at changing how you respond and how you internalize things.

              And in my personal opinion, I would NOT even go there about asking your husband what he finds attractive about you. I don’t care how you reword the question, the fact is it still puts him on the spot to try and give the correct answer and he probably already feels there is NO correct answer.

              And a little FYI — just because a husband wants sex all the time does not equate to his desire for his wife, and ask me how I know. I lived with an abusive man for 20 years and not once in that time did he ever try to please me sexually but he wanted sex a lot. He was hate-filled towards me and I know his desire was simply for sexual release due to his porn addiction. I can guarantee more sex does not necessarily mean more love and desire.
              Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

              • Yeah, I’d second being cautious about asking your husband what he finds attractive. My husband gave me one of those romantic coupon books for Valentine’s the first year we were married, and one of the coupons was for DH to say what he loves most about me. (And this is a book he picked out and then we went through together when he gave it to me, so this shouldn’t have been a surprise.) One day when I was feeling really down about myself, I asked him … and it took six minutes for him to answer. I know because we were in the car and I could see the clock. Six minutes of dead air. After about two minutes, I tried to say never mind, and he said no, he could come up with something.

                That conversation did not go the way I hoped.

    • I know it wasn’t your intention to make me feel bad when you wrote your comment, but it does make me feel discouraged nonetheless. I know you were just venting, and that’s OK. It’s good that you have this outlet for it, and I don’t want you to ever feel bad about being honest about your feelings. I’m not blaming you, or asking for an apology (as there’s nothing to forgive). I guess . . . I just need a moment to vent as well, and I hope you don’t mind (apologies in advance for the HUGE wall of text I’m about to write; you don’t have to read it if you don’t want, I would understand).

      When I see people saying stuff like what you said, it makes me feel, I dunno, a little sad and discouraged about the fact that I’m asexual. Not all the time, only sometimes. It does get to me, even though most of the time it just rolls right off my back. I am single right now, have always been single, and happy to be so. But if one day I were to meet someone special, and fall in love with that person, it’s somewhat discouraging to know that any relationship with them beyonf friendship would be almost certainly doomed to fail. Unless that person is also asexual (very slim chance of that, lol), then there will always be this need they would have that I can never fully be able to meet. I could compromise for someone I truly loved, and chose to have sex with them, but even that would not be good enough! They would call it “pity sex,” and scorn it. It would not be offered out of pity, but rather out of love. They would never see it that way, however. At least, not if that person is anything like you.

      Apparently it would not be enough for me to just have sex with someone I love simply to make them happy, even if making them happy would make me happy indirectly. No, I have to really WANT it too, really desire them, or else they WON’T be happy! Do you see how impossible that is for me? It’s such an impossible standard that I can NEVER measure up to, no matter how hard I might try. It’s just not in my nature. I can never feel that way about anyone, ever, no matter how deeply I might love them. That’s just not how I’m built, not part of who I am.

      So it doesn’t matter what I have to offer, it’s never going to be good enough for anyone who’s not asexual. I’m funny. I’m intelligent. Most importantly, I’m kind. I would have a whole lot to offer, so much love I could give to the right person. But none of that matters. As long as I’m not sexually attracted to anyone, as long I am disinterested in sex, as long as I am myself, then all of that is worthless. UTTERLY worthless. And I, by extension, am also worthless. In the eyes of someone like you, at any rate.

      I know it’s not true, that I’m not worthless. But that’s how it feels, and knowing that something isn’t true doesn’t always make the feelings go away (as I’m sure you know better than anyone, B). I don’t wish that I was different, that I wasn’t asexual. That’s a part of who I am, how God made me, and I am glad of it. But I just wish that sex wasn’t such a big deal to everyone else. Not that I want everyone else to asexual as well, far from it. God made sexuals and asexuals both, and both are an important part of God’s plan. What a boring world it would be if everyone was the same! But still, but still . . . it would be nice, I guess, if sex wasn’t such a big deal to sexual folk, not such a deal breaker, ya know? I feel like a lot of relationships would benefit from this, not just the mixed orientation ones with asexuals and sexuals. It would be a load off my mind, anyway, if I could know that any future relationships with non-aces isn’t automatically doomed from the start. That I could be loved for that part of me, for who I am, not in spite of it.

      That’s all I have to say right now. Don’t worry, this is not going to get me down for long. Soon, I’ll be alright again. It will roll off my back, as it always does eventually. I’m feeling better already, just getting it off my chest helps a great deal. I just needed to say it, express how I was feeling. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read all this, for listening. It helps.

      • @Amazing Ace, you’re right, I had absolutely no intention of making you feel badly. I’m sorry my venting about my pain and frustration caused you to feel sad feelings.

        It is true that I do long for a better sex life with my husband. Perhaps that is selfish. Keep in mind, my husband is definitely sexual. So I know when he is truly feeling desire, and when he is showing me pity. We all come through our lives with different experiences, seeing things through different filters, and me – I don’t like pity (due to a myriad of reasons). Selfish woman that I may be, I long to know what it’s like to be desired by a man, specifically the man I love, my husband.

        But never fear! That’s just me. Selfish, fallen, sinful me. There are plenty of people out there who are NOT me. I am sure there are many people who are far more mature, and with much higher self-esteem than I, who would not be as needy as I seem to be. Plenty of people that can separate love and sex, and have a very happy, even if sexless, relationship.

        And as I mentioned before, my husband is not asexual. If he was, I don’t think I’d be as quick to see his offer of sex as “pity”, but more as a loving sacrifice. If I knew, going into the relationship, that being asexual was part of who he was, I would like to think I’d feel differently, because the situation would be different.

        I’m not sure if that made sense on paper, but I hope it did, and I hope it helps, even if just a little.

        I’m sorry my original comment made you sad. Sincerely.

        • Your husband is sexual rather than asexual, as you say, but I really think he just has a lower sex drive.

          I, too, bought into the lie that if I were only prettier, more his type, my husband would be more into sex with me and doing the acts I want, but he doesn’t, like oral.

          It took years, and it took me swallowing my wanting him to be sexual a certain way for me, and it took me being sole initiator and being turned down a lot, and it took straight forward, non emotional conversations about how he wanted things, and it took initiating my own orgasms, or giving up on my orgasms to help heal the chasm between us sexually…basically working on removing anything stressful about sex so he could work on enjoying it more without whatever baggage and assumptions he was carrying holding him down.

          It was a huge sacrifice on my part. It hurt, it was unfair, it brought me to my knees, but it largely worked. Is our sex life exactly how I would have it? No way!! BUT, we have mutuality, and fun, and I rarely get a no anymore, and there is fire in his eyes again.

          My husband loves a good tease, but it rarely leads to sex right away. I have a heck of a time seducing him. But, he stores that up and it helps fuel our scheduled sexy times. It used to break my heart, but now I just enjoy knowing I puts sizeable deposit into our sex bank.

          • @libl,

            You hit on the best kept secret: Helping the low libido person start to learn how to enjoy sex more. Thank you for that.

        • Oh, it’s fine, you’re fine. There is nothing to forgive, and even if there was, then it would already be forgiven. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine too. It’s just not good for me to bottle these things up all the time. I have a fairly thick skin, but the things people say just builds up and up, until finally one comment will find a crack somewhere and work it’s way into my heart, where it could do a great deal of damage if I let it, if I don’t purge it and instead leave it to be internalized and fester. Better to let it out right away than leave where it is, ya know?

          I thank you for your kind words. I’m not TOO worried about finding someone, as at this point I’m not sure if I even want a relationship with anyone, regardless of how wonderful they might be, and I’m not actively seeking one. But still, one never knows what the future holds. I know that sex isn’t a universally big deal to everyone, that there are low drive people who would be perfectly happy in a relationship with me. I know this to be true, but it sure doesn’t feel that way much of the time, when most everyone says otherwise, all the time, when they say stuff like, “the only difference between friendship and romance is sex,” or “you’re just roommates if you’re married but not having sex.” Makes me want to scream! Just so aggravating. If there can be sex without love, why is it so hard for people to understand that there can be love, true love, without sex? It’s not a difficult concept to grasp, and yet it eludes so many people.

          Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say (with varying degrees of success, I fear) is that I know this in my head, but it’s easy to forget, especially when all the rest of the world is saying the opposite, and it messes with my head at times. So it’s good to be reminded of it from time to time. It’s good to hear it said from someone else, not just me saying it to myself. It’s reassuring. So thanks again for your kind words, and for listening. It does help, it really does. Thank you.

          Sorry if I’ve derailed the discussion at all. I didn’t mean to make this about me and my problems, when you’re the one who came here with your problem first. I’ve said what I needed to say already, so there’s no need for me to go on about it further. If there’s more that you need to say about your problems, I’m here for you. I’m ready and willing to listen to whatever you need to say, if it will help you even a little. Fire away, I’m all ears!

          • @Amazing Ace,
            You may be asexual but you are not at all alone with your feelings.
            I can assure you that many low libido people share your well articulated sentiments. Thank you for expressing what many of the rest of us won’t because we are considered “the bad guys”.

            It saddens me that “willingness” with love is considered pity.
            Sometimes that may be all a person has to give.
            Not everyone has sexual desire oozing from their pores.

            • Thanks, Jolie. I should get the phrase, “you are not at all alone” tattooed on me somewhere, just as as reminder. I think I need that, some days. Glad to hear I’m not all alone in feeling this way.

              Considered “the bad guys” . . . yep, that is exactly what it feels like. You’ve described it perfectly! And so succinctly, too; I’m impressed. Well said! I may have many excellent gifts, but being succinct in my writing is not one of them. This comment is probably going to be very brief by my usual standard, but that’s only because it’s late, I’m very tired, and a slow typist.

              “Not everyone has sexual desire oozing from their pores.” LOL! :) I love that line. One, it’s profoundly true (as I well know. Whatever else might be oozing from my pores, it’s most certainly NOT sexual desire), two, it’s funny as all-get-out, and three, it’s so well crafted, such a good turn of phrase, that it’s practically art. You are to be commended for it, I feel. It gave me a good laugh, and brightened my day considerably!

              Goodnight, everyone. I’m turning in now, see you all later!

            • My experience is a little different than B’s, and honestly, willingness would be huge. I don’t have a willing husband. When I tried to initiate sex, it was always no. I don’t mean sometimes or most of the time — I mean, in 4 years of marriage, my husband has never once responded to me for sex. Zero times. When I tried to schedule sex (EVEN FOR TRYING TO GET PREGNANT WHICH IS TIME SENSITIVE, pardon the all caps), it was no about 50% of the time upfront, and then even if he agreed to sex, it didn’t happen about 75% of the time.

              And my husband was incredibly promiscuous before marriage and (I found out later) has been looking at porn and masturbating for our entire relationship. So it’s not a lack of sexual interest — it is a complete lack of sexual desire for me.

              I’ve really thought about this a lot. What kills me is the extreme negative reaction (which I think it what B is getting at). It’s the sighing, leaving the room, getting upset and yelling, getting mopey and acting guilty. Just asking for sex shouldn’t be that much of a struggle. And then there’s the “fine, we can have a quickie before I go to work” like a week or so after I asked or “it’s been a few weeks I guess; let’s just have sex tomorrow before work.” It’s using words like “forcing myself” probably three dozen times. It’s the overall resistance to sex. Even if I try to talk about sex or how it makes me feel, within 2 minutes the discussion has turned into how I’m just making him feel bad and why do I bring up things that make him feel bad. (He even blamed me for pointing out that I will likely never get pregnant if we only have sex once per my fertile week. He was convinced we were having sex daily during those periods, and when I pointed out that I was actually keeping track and I knew, he said I was blaming him for us not having kids. Which kinda? But that wasn’t the point. Also, the bigger problem for me is … when you’re acting like I have pulled all the sex out of you with pliers and it is so much that you can’t imagine having to do more, it really makes me feel like crap when I know it’s dropped to once every 3-6 weeks. Is that so much that you complain and suffer over it? What does that say about me? Or about us?)

              I don’t orgasm or get foreplay (like … so obviously). I don’t get to have any say in what we do. I can’t play games or get dressed up.

              So I have asked myself … if DH just said yes most / all of the time (without a lot of huffing and puffing like he was put upon, I mean a good-spirited yes) but without enthusiasm and the overall restrictions were the same — would I be happy? Would I be satisfied with duty sex in that case? Because I simply am not, at all, right now — it makes me hate sex and resent him, if I’m being honest. I’d rather just not do it. But if he said yes reliably, would that be enough?

              I think right now, I wouldn’t be happy with that shift. I feel unloved, undesired, and rejected. I think a neutral yes, even a frequent neutral yes, would not be enough to undo that, because there is a big backlog of negative emotion there. But if it had been different at the beginning, if it had been tepid yeses but none of the noes and negativity … I think I would have been okay with that. Not really happy, I’ll be honest, but I think it would have been okay. And if he were enthusiastic and affectionate in other areas — like he really enjoyed being around me — I think that would have definitely offset a lackluster sex life and would have ultimately been better.

              I guess what I’m saying, Ace, is that if you do get married, if you have a generally affectionate, loving attitude and you are willing and supportive about sex (even if it’s never something you desire), you’ll be okay and your spouse will be happy. It’s more about recognizing and responding to their needs, making them feel loved and valued and a lot less about bodice-ripping passion.

      • @Amazing Ace “Apparently it would not be enough for me to just have sex with someone I love simply to make them happy, even if making them happy would make me happy indirectly. No, I have to really WANT it too, really desire them, or else they WON’T be happy!”

        I have mentioned I talked to a couple where she is asexual. She is vey much about sex for him, and he seems satisfied. So it can work.
        Paul Byerly recently posted…Control Of The MarriageMy Profile

        • Yeah, I know it can work. The problem isn’t so much what I don’t know, but more what I don’t feel. It something that doesn’t feel altogether true to me sometimes, even though it’s something I live everyday, and I KNOW I’m not the only one like me. There are entire online forums who’s members are all asexual or mostly asexual, so I’m definitely not alone in the world! And that’s not even counting all the people who don’t identify as asexual or ace spectrum, but are still very low-drive. But even so, we are relatively few, and shattered about. We don’t get to meet IRL very often, and even when we do it’s usually been prearranged online; it takes planning. Its kinda rare for two aces to meet in the wild spontaneously; it can and does happen, but it’s rare. You, on the other hand, probably can’t even spit and not hit someone who can relate to you and your experiences as a sexual being, even just a little. It’s an entirely different experience for you.

          It’s hard to not feel like a complete weirdo under such conditions, you see. Even under the best conditions, the constant pressure (and it IS constant, let me tell you) from the world (and the church, to a lesser extent) to be sexual can wear one down. Unfortunately, I’m not immune to feeling like a freak sometimes, even though I KNOW I’m not, that I’m perfectly normal. Feelings aren’t always reasonable.

          What I find helps most at such times is to reach out, to make my feelings known and my voice heard. You, and others here, have been kind enough to not only listen, but also to offer words of support and encouragement, and I truly can’t thank you enough for that. I appreciate y’alls kindness more than I can say. Thank you, Paul, and everyone else. Thank you. I don’t need such support very often, but when I do, I really need it. You have all helped me immeasurably. By and large, I try to not rely on external validation for my sense of self-worth, but a very little now and again does help. A little goes a long way.

  2. Great post, Paul. I wish I’d seen this a couple years ago, particularly the part about just because a man loses his erection doesn’t mean he’s lost interest. My husband has experienced this more as he’s gotten older. At first it was difficult for me, because I took it as loss of interest, even as he reassured me that’s not what it meant. I made it a point to believe him, since I new he wouldn’t lie to me about it, and we worked through it. It’s when I learned a guy can climax even without a full erection. Now it’s not a big deal when it happens, but this would have been useful knowledge to have, so I’m glad you’re sharing for people who may not know.

  3. My husband – 30 yrs married!- has ADHD. He does not appreciate teasing, especially not in this area.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: