Why Men Masturbate In The Shower

I suppose the first question I need to answer is “how common it is for men to masturbate in the shower?”

The vast majority of guys learn to do this as teens. Proper washing of the penis feels good and can be a bit arousing, and that can easily lead to masturbation for a young guy. So most men bring the habit into their marriage.

In our recent survey of almost 700 men, 54% have done it in the last month, and 28% in the last week. So yes, it’s is a common activity for married men. However, it’s nowhere near universal; 15% say they never do it, and 40% do so no more than a few times a year.

As to why, the easy and most common answer is a lack of sex. If a man is sexually frustrated a shower may make him aware of it, and doing it there is quick, easy, and mess-free. However, most men see shower masturbation as something far less than sex. When asked how they feel about doing it, 38% said it was okay but nothing special. It’s physical release, nothing more. As one man said in the comments, “Masturbation gives me some breathing room from the physical effects of the drive, dulls the hunger. It does nothing for the emotional needs of my heart; it does not make me more intimate with my wife or less lonely. It is highly depressing; I masturbate to get relief, yet it is a bitter testimonial to the profound loneliness I have found in marriage. 

Sadly some men think they’re doing their wife a favour: 17% said, “I’m glad I can do it rather than bothering my wife all the time.” Other men find it easier than risking rejection, especially when they feel they really need it on a physical level.

A dozen men said they masturbate in the shower to help avoid porn. As one said, “Can’t do that in the shower.

Several men said they masturbate before sex so they can last longer with their wife in bed. A few men said they masturbate but don’t climax so they are aroused for sex with their wife or so they are highly aroused as that makes sex better for them. Finally, 10% of men said they engage in shower masturbation when they are separated from their wife. Doing it in the shower prevents the temptation to flip on the TV and look for porn.

There were a few men who said they really enjoy flying solo in the shower, and 5% said more sex with their wife wouldn’t change their shower masturbation frequency at all. But 59% of men said more sex with their wife would put an end to doing anything in the shower while most of the rest said it would reduce it.

The bottom line is shower masturbation by married men is common, with about a third of men doing it at least once a month. However, the vast majority of these men see it as a physical necessity and they would much, much rather have sex with their wife.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife is so much more enjoyable than any shower!

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8 Comments on “Why Men Masturbate In The Shower

  1. My husband used to do this – a lot. I was kind of shocked when I discovered it, because I have always been a very sex positive and willing wife, and it seemed I had the much higher sex drive. He didn’t want sex with me nearly as much as I wanted to be with him. And once I discovered he was choosing alone time over me, that was just another painful discovery pointing to the fact that he didn’t find me good enough, attractive enough, or loveable enough to choose me over “alone time” or his fantasy time. It hurt to realize he DID have a sex drive, just not for me. When I finally asked him about it, he seemed kind of sad, and claimed he was most often thinking of me – BUT – I’m gonna call bull-oney on that one. I kinda thought it was bologna, but after reading this I’m convinced. No man in his right mind would choose to have “alone time” over actually being intimate with the wife they claim to love – unless they found her grotesque, or, incredibly bad in bed.

    The brighter spot to all this is, since our marriage has improved a bit, to my knowledge he has stopped doing this. I know you think I can’t tell, but I can. Don’t want to explain it here, but there’s a big difference.

    But this will always hang over my head – the knowledge that he could not find me desireable enough for the first 15 years or so of our marriage. The knowledge that whichever fantasy girl it was, she won out over me every time. That she, at least mentally, was getting the part of him that I so desperately craved. It’s a harsh truth I’ve had to face every day. I’m trying not to live in the past, but sometimes the memories rear their ugly head.

    I’m thankful that nowadays my husband seems to choose me. Although it’s very hard wondering how I could possibly be good enough for him as I’m aging, if I weren’t good enough for him as a young woman.
    Trying not to live in the past and accept the love he claims to have for me, but some days it’s not easy.

    • @AnonymousForThisOne – I can’t imagine a man with a willing wife choosing his own hand, but it happens. And it happens for far more reasons than you would imagine. Some of it is just selfishness – such as he wants release and he doesn’t want to spend the time necessary for making love with his wife. This can also happen if he’s just way to busy.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Brief Touch Packs A PunchMy Profile

      • My husband at one point in our marriage told me he preferred masturbating to having sex with me. It really hurt. I had always been a willing and eager wife and I had never refused him. I researched ways to be better in bed and took care of my appearance. And yet he would refuse me in bed, and more times than I can count I would walk in on him masturbating.

        He told me that sex was too much work and that I expected him to be responsible and do all the work towards both of our pleasures. He said I took too long, etc etc. He had some points and I addressed them. How he handled it was wrong, but that doesn’t exempt me from working on my side.

        He also told me I was no longer attractive to him, but I have called that out as a lie from a time of hurting and deception in his life.

        It took years, but we are creeping towards a better and better sex life.

    • “I’m thankful that nowadays my husband seems to choose me. Although it’s very hard wondering how I could possibly be good enough for him as I’m aging, if I weren’t good enough for him as a young woman.”

      It sounds like you have both matured and changed. I think women can sometimes err in their perception of this matter, and perhaps pornography use, by thinking it is about slimness, or youth, or beauty in general. Plenty of beautiful young women are lonely in marriage. His perception often is that his wife is difficult for him ti approach (maybe he’s wrong), or that she has rejected him often (maybe not in her mind), or that she has given the impression that true lovemaking is a bother, so he thinks he’s doing her a favor” by not approaching her.

      Or, he may just be emotionally immature and it is very difficult to make love to a living woman – that kind of lovemaking is a two-way thing, and that is much more involved, cumbersome, self-revealing and distracting. Same resume women masturbate.

      You have always been “good enough for him” (he married you”), and maybe in his mind you were too good for him. He kept away. But something changed to permit him in his own mind to know he can connect with you, and that that is what he desires.

      And, practically speaking, an older man just may not have the drive or sexual energy to both masturbate and make love to you. Things have quieted down for him. You, not just your body, were what he wanted all along, if he’s like most good-hearted men. He just didn’t know or understand how to find it. I’m glad he found it.

  2. I am struggling with an porn addiction and I am after many years really fighting to get free from it. I know I shouldn’t masturbate but because sex with my wife doesn’t happen often I at least once a week feel that I need the release. I agree with the above comment. I want to focus on my wife and it works but I can’t lie that it’s easy that other women get in my mind. The last time it happened I really tried to focus on my wife and it worked but its hard to. Or let your mind slip. I feel relieved afterwards but also bad. So I need to stop doing it but sometimes it’s so hard. Especially when I never know when we will have sex. At least I can make it through a couple of days more without sex. But it’s hard. If my wife would be willing I would ask her to ddo it but she never would.

  3. My hubby has always been open and honest with me about his struggle​s. I love sex but I know it happens and its not really about me or my looks. However, it is something he avoids as much as possible because he wants to keep a pure thought life and​ it tends to be a problem area. If I walked in on him I’d just be like “gimmie some of that” and join the fun (best compliment ever from my hubby: “you officially do it better than I can do it myself”;). Sex is tough for guys sometimes and I think the more positive and less agony, self-pity, nagging, and insecure we are over thier struggles, the better off our marriage and husbands will be. Sometimes we have to let go, take every burden to Jesus and truly find our beauty in Christ and our security in Him so we are free to be place of safety and strength for our husband.

  4. I don’t like mb’ing in the shower. I have done it, more when I was younger because like you said ‘washing can be arousing’ and it just made sense to complete the task. But now that I’m older (early 50’s) it takes more than washing to start the process. Plus, when I do mb, and I do occasionally, I like to make it last and enjoy it. Shower mb’ing is just ‘a quickee’ and not really enjoyable to me. Never was. Quickee sex is the same way, I just don’t enjoy it.

    The reason I mb at all is that my wife is too busy and is not open to putting ‘us time’ on her schedule. Plus she has a weird sleep schedule due to her busyness so night time sex is virtually non-existant and morning sex is too early for her. So I get up sometimes and release the pressure on my own before I go to work. We have sex about 1x per month and it is bad sex at that. No passion. No variety. Just going thru the motions.

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