His Last Best Hope To Come Clean
About a year ago we did a survey on sex secrets and found two-thirds of men and half of women are keeping some sort of post-marriage sexual secret from their spouse. The secrets vary from adultery and porn use to faking orgasm and lying about liking a sex act they don’t enjoy.
Secrets aren’t a good thing for a married couple, and sexual secrets are bad for a couple’s sex life as well as their relationship. If you have any sexual secrets you need to come clean with your husband. Even if it’s “just” faking an orgasm on occasion, please tell him the truth.
Beyond that, why don’t you offer him a chance to come clean on any sexual secrets he might have? Be aware he has two problems if he has such a secret: the secret, and the fact he’s been dishonest with you for however long. He probably fears telling you the truth will end very badly for him and might cost him a great deal. I’ve had men tell me their one-night affair 20 years ago will go to the grave with them because it would end their marriage if they shared it. I never know if they are right or not, but I’ve seen women leave or go nuclear over less, so I understand the fear.
If you want him to come clean, you must give him a safe place to do it and you must convince him you won’t file for divorce in the morning. I am NOT suggesting you give him a free pass. He needs to deal with whatever he did and also needs to give you time to work through it. What you might want to give him is a pass on is keeping it from you. Even if you have never given him reason to think you would make it your goal to punish him for the rest of his life, he has a friend who is living in that hell. Tell him you understand why he was fearful of telling you, and that you want to take that off the table so the two of you can become fully open.
Of course making this offer is tricky. It can come across as an accusation, or an expectation there’s a secret to be told. My suggestion is you reference this post – or send it to him with a note telling him you want to give him a chance to share IF there is anything to share. Tell him he has a week or so, and if nothing is said you will assume he has nothing to share.
Finally, don’t do this if you are not going to be able to be relatively calm and reasonable about it. If you offer him a safe place you have an obligation to follow through. If you can’t do that, he may actually have a valid reason for any secrets he may have.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and Lori knows everything
Want to hear what I sound like? In May I was one of several men who got to share about sex with the ladies of Sex Chat for Christian Wives. Check out Episode 12: Guy Talk – The Importance of Sex
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