If you and your husband are typical versions of your gender, you probably think he is far more into and concerned with the physical aspects of sex than the emotional and relational aspects of sex.

There is some validity to this gender stereotype, but it’s not nearly as strong many think.

First the why:

Most men have enjoyed touching their penis since prior to birth. (Really, I’m not making a joke here.) We figured out it feels good, and then near puberty, we figured out how to make it feel very good. On top of that, our hormones were pushing us to make it feel good often. Sex, or at least what passed as sex for us back then, was all about the physical. It was only physical for a good long while, often including early sexual experience with individuals of the female persuasion. To put it bluntly, he was horny long before he had any interest in an emotional connection with a girl/woman.

For most women it’s different. It’s now the norm for women to learn to pleasure themselves as teens (about two-thirds have done so by age 18) but they do it far less often than boys. They also tend to start later and are generally far less into exploring their bodies and the different ways to make it feel good. On the other hand, girls feel romantic urges sooner than boys do. Not physical/sexual urges, emotional and relational desires. 

So his sexuality was formed with a strictly physical focus while yours was formed at the same time (or even after) you started to desire an intimate emotional relationship with a guy. This does make him way more about the physical, but it also means his thinking about sex was all about the physical when he was developing a sexual vocabulary. What causes the problem is his language does not usually change when he starts to feel an emotional desire. He adds his interest for a relationship to his sexuality, but he doesn’t alter how he communicates about sex. This leaves him sounding like he is still mostly or only about the physical when he has actually grown and become more well-rounded.

All of that said, the physical aspects of sex probably are more important to him than to you. If you are willing to follow his lead you might find a lot more physical enjoyment in your sex life together. And if he can follow your lead, he can learn to enjoy the emotional and relational aspects much more.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve learned to feel things without using my hands!

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