I talked to a fellow going through a divorce who said his wife told him she emotionally left the marriage two decades earlier. But she never told him this! It was a De Facto divorce and he was never informed.

As best as I can piece it together, the husband got serious about the marriage within a year of his wife’s heart walking away. He did a good many things to try to improve the marriage, including counselling for both of them together and separately. All the while the wife said nothing and just went through the motions without any apparent intention of having a better marriage.

I have no idea how horrible the marriage was for this woman before she dropped out. Maybe it seemed hopeless, or maybe she was unwilling to deal with her stuff. Regardless of this, what she did seems wrong to me. The husband thinks she lacked the courage and will to speak up. I get that, but why didn’t she make some effort when her husband started working overtime on fixing the marriage?

Aside from the pain this has caused and will continue to cause this couple and their family, it has not ended well for the woman. Her world has become very small, and her soon to be ex is concerned for her future.

I see a few lessons in this.

• If you’re done, have the decency to speak up.
• If you don’t speak up and he starts to change, don’t just ignore it.
• Men do this too. If your husband suddenly stops seeking some change in your marriage that might be a sign he is about to perform a De Facto Divorce. Do something ASAP because time might be very short.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’d go down making a whole lot of noise!

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