Sexual Urgency: Gotta Have it RIGHT NOW!

Okay, this is going to be tricky. Let’s see if we can get through it together!

First I want to suggest what I’m talking about here is a strictly male thing. I can’t prove that and I’m sure some will disagree with me. I’ve heard women say they feel something similar to this, but what I hear from them doesn’t sound like the same thing to me. I say this because I fear some will miss what I’m saying by thinking it’s the same thing they experience. Past that I won’t argue with anyone who says she feels exactly what I’m going to describe here.

Sometimes a guy feels an extreme urgency to have sex with his wife RIGHT. NOW! But wait, this is not a physical thing, or at least not just physical. I have no doubt the physical is in there, but that’s more a result of the emotional desire than a cause of the urgency. Of course, it’s a feedback loop, so the physical makes the urgency even stronger.

What makes this different than just being “horny” is the need is not to have sex and climax. The need to be with and in your wife in every way possible. I can’t explain exactly how this happens, but I know the trigger is feeling close and intimate. It’s as if the intimacy is so good it demands being expressed sexually because for a man that is the ultimate expression of intimacy. (Please see I said “expression” there.) I’m guessing here, but I think it’s kind of like when a woman is so romantically moved she can’t help crying. In both cases it’s what is felt, and it’s what is needed.

When a man feels this kind of sexual urgency, waiting till tonight, or when the laundry is done, or “after I shower” won’t do it. The urgency is tied to emotions that can’t be put on hold. In half an hour he will gladly have sex and enjoy it, but it won’t be what he was craving when he felt the urgency. Physically it will be fine, but from an intimacy standpoint, it will feel hollow compared to what could have been.

If you listen for it, I suspect you can hear it when your husband is in this place. Or at the very least I think you can discern this is something other than “I’m horny again.” If you hear it, make a real effort to have sex right then, and if possible right where you are. It won’t be the best sex ever for either of you, but it will be one of the most intimate things he will ever experience with you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and yeah, much of this post if first person, but I’ve talked to other men who feel the same thing.

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © VadimGuzhva |

Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
Where we’re going Contact us about speaking

36 Comments on “Sexual Urgency: Gotta Have it RIGHT NOW!

  1. I’m pretty sure my husband has never had this feeling. Ever. At least, not for me.

    As the higher drive wife in our relationship, I think I’d love it if he felt this way, even once in a while. It would make me feel loved and desired.

    But no, sadly, sex here can take a long time to get rolling. And yes, that kind of takes most of the believability out of his claims of “you’re so beautiful” – or – “I love you.”

    I’m starting to try to believe him when he says those things, but a little bit of sexual desire would go a long way.

    • B, you say, ‘at least, not for me’. Do you have some reason to believe he has, does, or would feel differently with someone else?

  2. What if your husband never expresses this? I don’t only mean the difference in drive (fistbump, B) but my husband has never said that he wanted to have sex immediately. Once, very early in our marriage, he was sulking one Saturday, and I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was “horny” but my stepson was spending the weekend with us, and he didn’t want to have sex while his son was there. But that’s the only time anything remotely like “I want it now” has come up.

    • @sunny-dee – I think we have been trained to see this kind of an urge as selfish and unloving. When a decent guy believes this, he resists “assaulting” his wife with his urgency. A lot of men rather seriously neuter their sexuality trying to not hurt or offend their wife. So what a man feels and what his wife experiences may be very different things.

      Of course, there are other reasons for seeing (or not seeing) these same things. And a guy who will avoid sex while his son is in the house has something odd going on in his mind.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Sex, It Could Be WorseMy Profile

      • My pastor would agree with this position (and I have heard other like him). Along the lines of:

        0) Just because it “feels natural” doesn’t make it right.

        1) Sex should be mutual; anything onesided is unloving, probably violating the spirit of what sex should be; hence probably sinning.

        2) You are not paying attention to her needs and wants (e.g. whatever she was doing at the time); this means you fail 1:Peter 3:7 – you are not understanding your wife, not giving her honor as the weaker vessel. Hence, you are sinning against her and causing your prayers to be hindered.

        3) This is probably lusting against your wife, hence sinning.

        Although this is something I am working on changing; this is how I was raised. Do I have these moments when I desperately feel I must have my wife? Yes. However, my training and conditioning is “conceal, don’t feel” and never to act on these feelings or even express them to my wife (lest she feel pressured into sex with me); my training is that this a way to honor and love my wife.

        • @Nire – Yeah, I’ve heard all of those. Aside from #2 they have no Biblical support and are mostly contrary to what the Bible actually says.

          #0 – God gave us our sexual desire. Yes, it’s been polluted, but it’s still His doing and calling what he made wrong is very near blaspheme.

          #1 – Really? So sex is not a form or function of love? Love is often one-sided or lopsided. Beyond that, this clashes with how God made women sexually – many (most?) women don’t often feel desire until sex starts. And of course, this idea is in direct violation of 1 Cor 7. According to God’s Word, aside from extenuating circumstances, sex should occur when EITHER spouse desires it.

          #3 The Greek word we translate as lust means “strong desire” The word is not inherently about sex, and neither does it denote sin. Jesus used this word about Himself when He said He had desired to eat the Passover with the disciples. God intended for us to lust for (strongly desire) our spouse. It’s not sin, it’s God’s will.

          It is so sad that some are preaching a false gospel of sexuality that comes not from God’s Word but (at best) from the fears and brokenness of men.

          And finally, you are the perfect example for the women who say their husband has never felt this way. The fact he has never expressed it does not mean he has never felt it!

      • @Paul, you said “And a guy who will avoid sex while his son is in the house has something odd going on in his mind.” Not necessarily. We have teens and a small house. My husband doesn’t like to have sex when they are home (unless they’re asleep). Maybe it is odd, but he just isn’t comfortable if they’re within earshot.

        • Nire. I really wonder where your pastor is coming from.

          Yes. Natural feeling doesn’t make it right, but it is part of the way a man is as all of our research has shown. Men just have a strong desire for sex because that is how we connect. That desire can be misused, but the desire is not a problem.

          No one is saying sex shouldn’t be mutual. Paul is not advocating rape.

          Asking for sex from your wife is not ignoring her needs and wants. It’s asking her if she’d like some intimacy. Is it wrong in turn then for a wife to ask her husband if they can go out for dinner or something like that?

          Finally, to have a strong sexual desire for one’s wife is not lust. If one thinks so, then this is treating desire itself as evil.

          I also don’t agree with conceal but don’t feel. This is treating sexual desire like it’s something evil that we should be ashamed of.
          Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Seeing Through Christianity Part 3My Profile

        • @B – I know some men and more women feel this way. But it’s not a good thing – not for the couple, and not for their children. Knowing your parents have a good sex life is a very good thing for kids. It increases the likelihood they will have a good married sex life, and it decreases the chances they will start having sex as teens.
          IMHO, this fear is a result of shame, and shame is not of God and not appropriate in a marriage.
          Paul Byerly recently posted…What Happens In The Marriage Bed Should Stay ThereMy Profile

          • I still sort of disagree on this. If my son is home and it’s in the middle of the day, we’re not going to just run into our bedroom and get busy because we’re suddenly horny. We will flirt and build up anticipation for later at night when we go to bed or for when he may leave the house.

            It’s not about shame, perhaps it’s more consideration for my son who doesn’t need to be all knowing of our sex life and also, us wanting to have total privacy.

            If I were visiting my sister and suddenly her and her husband disappear into their bedroom and there are obvious sexual noises going on, well it’s just uncomfortable. I don’t need to be privy to their sex life, but yes, I know they have one.

            My son did actually come home early one Sunday afternoon while we were having a little afternoon delight and thought he was going to be gone until that evening. I told my husband I thought I heard something while we were in the middle of things and afterwards, while I was still getting dressed, my husband who had gone out into the kitchen came back in the bedroom and told me my son was home and was sitting on the porch. He came inside, we all said hi, smiled and went about fixing dinner. LOL It was funny, but very obvious my son was not upset just rather amused at the situation.

            But while it was good for him to see a healthy sexual relationship between my husband and I (this is my son’s stepfather), we would not have purposely gone into our bedroom with him at the house.

            Kids knowing their parents are sexual is certainly good and there are a lot of ways to show that in front of the kids such as long kisses, a little butt patting, hand holding and hugging. Sadly my boys never saw that kind of love between their father (my ex) and I because it was an abusive marriage.
            But I also think how you go about this may be different at various ages. When kids are younger, it might be possible to sneak away for a quick one when they are napping or watching a movie, but when they are teenagers it can be harder to find the privacy. And I don’t think putting them in a position of ‘having’ to hear and know about it, especially in the middle of the day is necessary.

            So nothing odd going on with either of us, we are just a normal couple seeking privacy for that sexual connection.
            Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

          • “…this fear is a result of shame.” – At first reading I was like, woah! Now you want me to believe my husband is ashamed of me?? That’s even worse than him not being attracted to me!

            But then I thought maybe you meant shame about sex. Which is stupid since we’re married, but a very real possibility, because in the house my husband grew up in, sex didn’t exist. It was not even to be spoken of. In fact, one time after we were married, I mentioned to my MIL that I had an appointment with my OBGYN. And later my husband was so upset and he said something to me like “WHAT were you thinking?? We do not discuss those things with my mother. Are you crazy?” And I was kind of flabbergasted because I hadn’t said anything detailed at all, only that I’d had an appointment. My house growing up was different. My parents were much more open and my mom was always willing to answer our questions.

            So maybe he does have a shameful stigma. Sad, because we are in our early 40s.

            • @B – Yes, about sex – sorry for the confusion! And yeah, his reaction to you mentioning the Ob/GYN is very telling.

              One weird thing about shame is it can be a greater limit in marriage than outside of it. Sex outside marriage is sin, so as long as you are going to sin, just forget about the limits and the shame and go for it. But in marriage you want to “do it right” and shame can mess things up real good.
              Paul Byerly recently posted…What Happens In The Marriage Bed Should Stay ThereMy Profile

            • Of course it’s not about him being ashamed of you. Paul is saying there is likely shame involved re: sex itself if someone doesn’t want to have sex while their kids are awake and likely to hear them.

              But I think what your wrote, “we have teens and a small house. My husband doesn’t like to have sex when they are home (unless they’re asleep). Maybe it is odd, but he just isn’t comfortable if they’re within earshot”, is far more likely to be the reason.

              That’s how it is with us. I’d rather have privacy and wait until either we go to bed at night or wait until my 22-year-old son is out of the house for a while. No shame involved and nothing odd going on in our minds, we too would rather he’s not within earshot if possible. We have plenty of opportunities of him being gone so it’s really not some big deal.
              Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

      • “And a guy who will avoid sex while his son is in the house has something odd going on in his mind.” How so??

        My husband and I are not comfortable having sex when my youngest son (22), who just moved back in, is home. Our house is small and the bedrooms right next to each other. I think we’re adult enough to wait until we know he’s going to be gone.
        And neither of us are comfortable either making love if we stay overnight at someone else’s home. I don’t think that means we have something odd going on in our minds, we are just mature enough to not have to hold off on sex until a more private time.
        Amy recently posted…What a joyous day!My Profile

              • That exact moment was during the day and Logan is old enough to figure these things out (8 at the time, 12 now). Obviously, I wouldn’t want to try to have some afternoon delight while he was wandering around, especially since we do have a very small house. But I’ve tried to talk to DH about having sex when it would be easy, like at night, and it’s a no-go then, too. I think some of it comes from the fact DH walked in on his dad and his dad’s new girlfriend having sex shortly after his parents’ divorce (which happened 30 years ago and still bothers him) and the fact that my stepson was the result of a fling with a coworker, not a relationship — he’s never had to learn skills to work around having a child in the house full time. And I am guessing that his sexual past has caused him to associate sex with shame? Which I think has broader implications for our relationship, aside from the “no sex when Son is here” rule.

                • @sunny-dee – If he’s never lived in a house with his wife and his child I can see how he might be less sure of it.
                  It does sound like he has plenty of things in his past that could cause shame. It’s a tough nut to crack, but patience and love are good tools for the job.
                  Paul Byerly recently posted…Cause……………. EffectMy Profile

  3. As a woman I can say that I have never felt that way, and can’t even think of something to compare it to. I (higher drive spouse) can only say that it would make me feel incredibly loved (and turned on) to have my husband react to me this way. As Sunny and B expressed I have never seen my husband like that. I would love to know what can trigger this. My husband and I have been working on our marriage and intimacy and I would love to say/do/be what he needs to get to this urgency once in a while.

  4. As a woman I have actually felt something very like this. It may be triggered by different things than a man’s, but it’s there. Times where I’ve basically grab my husband’s hand and brought him to the bedroom without really saying much. He knows what that taking his hand and heading for the bedroom means. LOL. Sometimes it’s because thigns are going so well with us that I get the longing for that level of intimacy. On the flipside, sometimes it actually happens when things are difficult between us, and I need a way to express that we’re still ok, we’re still one, even if we’ve got stuff to work through. Kind of reassurance for both myself and him, I guess.

  5. You know what – that’s really sweet. I think that this is what my husband tries to express to me sometimes.

  6. I’ve been trained over the years to suppress this feeling. :( Too many “I’m exhausted!” responses, and even on the rare occasion when she agrees, she makes a point of making sure I understand just how tired she is, which completely kills any spontaneity and has me backing out of the situation. This is something she is working on now, but it’s made it very difficult for me to express myself in this area. I don’t want to have to endure the sighs or eye rolls anymore.

    • I have never refused my husband, but there have been many times I felt too tired or not into it and just wanted him to take care of me. Show me some concern and love. Let me relax, rub my back or my feet, warm me up. Show me you care about me and my well being and not just getting sex. “I’m tired” could be a clue that she is feeling a lack in the relationship.

      • re: ““I’m tired” could be a clue that she is feeling a lack in the relationship.”

        To be fair, my comment was specifically regarding the topic “gotta have it NOW”. DW is much better at scheduled sex, though.

        And I do have a nagging feeling that she is a bit disconnected in the relationship. I work my butt off in our relationship, she’s the one who says I’m too good to her and puts herself down for not putting enough into the marriage. I just try not to get discouraged. I leave her notes, pick her flowers, do most of the laundry and dishes, pick up the slack on keeping the house clean when she’s overworked. She tends to over-commit herself, and the FIRST thing that goes when she does this is time with me. It seems so easy for her to not have time or energy for intimacy, but refuse to say no to others and work crazy hours. I get upset and bring it up everyone once in awhile, and she never comes out and says she’s disconnected. She will go on and on about how I’m such an amazing husband, and she’s a terrible wife, so it’s hard to say what she’s really feeling. Her words don’t line up with her actions. All I can do is keep being the best husband I can be and hope things get better.

        • I hate to say “it’s not you, it’s me,” but it really could be her. Totally arm-chair psychologizing here, but it sounds like she is beating herself up or feels inadequate or unappreciated or unworthy, and she overextends and works overtime and takes extra projects to prove or earn her worthiness. Investing in work has an immediate, direct result *and* the bonus of more limited emotional engagement. If she’s feeling inadequate, it would actually be harder to do something in your relationship that would make her feel worthy, and so that’s the first thing she avoids because it’s harder and more painful and more frightening.

          I’m a little sympathetic because I notice I tend to drop more things related to important projects at work because I am (ironically) more afraid of screwing up there. And my way of coping with stress or feeling overwhelmed is to hide.

        • I hear ya. It is similar here. It is tough to see my hubby jump when one of his guys say they need help, but I don’t get that same enthusiasm. It isn’t personal. He isn’t doing it to hurt me. He is doing it because he is insecure and needs the validation from the guys he respects or wants respect from.

          On the other side, I can relate to your wife. While I never refuse sex with hubby, there are times I have to just “go through the motions” because my mental and emotional loads are just too heavy.

          I once took my children to the beach. You’d think a day at the beach would be less strenuous than my husband’s heavy labor job. Come evening, I collapsed while hubby had a normal evening. I wasn’t just tires, I was sick. The hyper-vigilence of keeping an eye on multiple young children all day was thoroughly mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. This isn’t just on beach days. This is every day. We live in a world where moms are crucified if something “bad” happens to junior.

          This article is really validating. My mental load is very very heavy. There is just so much to think about, remember, be responsible for, etc. And who gets the blame if something is forgotten? Mom. Not dad…no one seems to expect him to know anything. If asked he just stares blankly at me and the asker just smiles knowingly. “That’s ok. You’re just another clueless dad. It’s really mom who ought to know.”

          This isn’t just for moms. It seems to be s universal expectation for most women. While feminism has helped women be able to have rights, like voting, getting paid a fair wage, and getting out of abusive marriages, it has also given women more heaped on their plates and sent many wondering who the heck they are and where do they fit in!

          Thankfully, the up and coming generations are seeing a higher rate of equally involved dads. My husband is old school, but learning.

          I feel constantly lost, lonely, overwhelmed, and never doing enough or catching up. There is never enough time, money, energy, or brain space and I crash. I am crashed today. Still in bed as my kids keep poking their heads in looking for me to serve them, but my body, mind, and emotions are fried. I need rest, but my brain never stops.

          I envy that my husband can just think of nothing and sleep through problems.

          Son gets in fight at school.

          Hubby: no fighting in school. You’re grounded. (Goes to bed to brood off his ill temper about the fight and goes to sleep)

          Me: what was the fight about, is he ok, is the other kid ok, are the parents upset, is the school going to discipline him, if he has to stay after school or gets suspended do I have to pick him up, or will he be bussed, how will this affect his school work, now I have to get on his case to do extra homework, grounded from what, now I have to enforce it and I just don’t have the time or energy to keep track of his punishment, that bruise looks bad, should he see a doctor, a psychologist, we are still paying for the last few medical appointments, should I pick up another client to help pay them off, how can I if he needs me to pick him up after school……

          Welcome to the brain of a woman

          • @libl – I do see dads becoming much more involved, which is great. But there are other things at work, and I think it’s far worse for women today than in the past for a couple of reasons.
            1) In the past, most kids grew up with extended family right there. There were grandparents, aunts, and cousins by the score. The job of caring for a child, especially a small child, was spread out a bit.
            2) Most folks had more kids. This is more of the above, with older kids helping with younger ones, but it also means mom can’t put as much thought into each child. A parent with 8 kids can’t be a “helicopter parent”, a practice which is bad for both the parent and the kids.

            I have an interesting view of this because where I live both of these things are still common. I see both extremes and some families in-between the two. In general, I find that both the kids and the parents are better off with a lot of extended family and more kids in the family.

            BTW, I am in no way accusing you of being a helicopter mother. But the fewer kids we have, the more thought and emotion we put into each one. The trick if finding a sane balance.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…Relationship Distress ToleranceMy Profile

  7. My husband has never experienced this because he avoids intimacy.

  8. If my husband has ever felt this and expressed it, I’m pretty sure I missed the message.
    Sometimes he just speaks a language I don’t understand.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: