Sexual Urgency

Let me start by saying I suspect some women will say they experience what I’m going to describe. I can no more prove they are wrong than they can prove they are right, but based on what I’ve heard from men and from women who feel something similar I think it’s not the same for men and women. Take that for what it’s worth, but at least consider you’ve never felt this.

With that said, I want to address sexual urgency – the extreme desire to have sex RIGHT NOW.

What you must understand is what I’m discussing here is NOT about a physical desire. Sure, there is a good deal of physical hornyness going on, but that is more a result of the urge than a cause of it. The real reason for this is a deep emotional need to be as inmate as possible with the woman he loves as soon as possible. Yes, it’s pushing him to a physical act, but it’s his love for his wife that is doing the pushing.

Now here is why this matters. If your husband is just losing his mind physically horny, putting him off for an hour or two is frustrating but not a big deal. If he is feeling driven by his feeling for you, putting him off may ruin it. His strong desire is situation, and the moment will pass quickly if you don’t embrace it. This is not the time for “let me finish _____” or “hold that thought while I shower.”. This is time for “how fast can we both get naked?’

I’m guessing the difference between the two kinds of desire I’m talking about is in some way similar to the difference between when you want to chat and when you really need him to listen intently as you share your heart on a deep level. But I’m a guy, so that’s just a stab in the dark to try and explain this.

All of that explained, it’s going to be difficult for you to know if it’s mostly he body or mostly his brain that is all hot for you. As I explained last week, his sexual vocabulary was formed when it was all about his body, so he may lack the verbal skills to share his heart with you. He may not even understand it himself – I felt this way a number of times before I started to see what was going on. I suspect there are clues if you look for them. I’m sure how he reacts to both having and not having sex will differ when his desire is more between his ears than his legs.  I think it’s worth trying to figure it out because saying no to “horny” is far less of a problem for him than saying no to “I need to be deeply intimate.”

~ Paul – I’m XY, and not all sexual motivation is physical

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