The Sexuality He’s Not Showing You
Do you think you know your husband’s true sexuality? Has he told you what he desires and enjoys and expressed himself fully? Odds are he has not. In last Friday’s Sexual Urgency: Gotta Have it RIGHT NOW! post a couple of men touched on this in the comments:
“Do I have these moments when I desperately feel I must have my wife? Yes. However, my training and conditioning is “conceal, don’t feel” and never to act on these feelings or even express them to my wife.”
“I’ve been trained over the years to suppress this feeling.”
The first man was “trained” by his family and church before he met his wife, while the second was trained by circumstances in his marriage. But neither is showing their wife their true sexuality.
Let me share a personal example as a way of looking at what can be behind holding back. Many years ago for my birthday, Lori gave me a tube of cake decorating frosting and a card that made it clear it was for me to decorate and enjoy her… ah… cupcakes.
That tube of frosting sat in the night table drawer for a long time. I think it got thrown out during a move. I never used it, and it would have been natural for Lori to think it was an idea that didn’t appeal to me. In truth, it did appeal to me, a great deal. But I had all kinds of fears about it. Did I want to do it “too much” (whatever that means)? Would Lori feel uncomfortable if I did it – either because of her or how I went about it? Would I expose something I needed to keep hidden or something that would hurt her or put her off sex? As much as I enjoyed the offer, and as much as I wanted to try it, my various fears kept me from doing it.
I know very few men who feel free to be themselves with their wife in bed. Part of that may be her doing, but most comes from long before he met her. A man is super sensitive about this, so he tends to read into what his wife says and does the negative response he expects. A lot of men have tried opening up a couple of times only to feel rejected. I suspect the rejection is often in the man’s mind. Sometimes we push the limits at really horrible times (she is stressed, tired, cramping) because we secretly want to confirm our fears.
If you hit your husband cold with this it’s unlikely he will expose himself. However, if you understand this is likely you can be on the look out for him putting his toe in to test the water. If you see him doing that, do your best to accommodate him. If you can’t, be sure you tell him you’re too tired (or whatever) to do it well, but you want a rain check. Then follow up.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love my wife’s cupcakes!
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