Many years ago, when Lori and I were having significant sexual struggles, I started to give her massages to help her learn to relax and enjoy physical touch. I promised myself this was a gift, not a way of getting sex. I would never ask for, hint about, or expect sex after I gave her a massage. I even decided I’d say “Thanks, but no thanks” the first time she offered something just for me after a massage.

After I’d been doing this for a while, there was an occasion when I felt it had been way too long since we’d been sexual and something had been said that let me know it wasn’t going to happen that night. As I fussed at God about how unfair my life was, I’m sure I felt Him nudging me to give Lori a massage. I was upset with her, and God wanted me to do something that had become a blessing for her. I wasn’t happy about it, but I did it. I didn’t expect it to result in sex, and it didn’t. (But it did aggravate my condition.)

From then on when I felt really frustrated about sex, I offered my wife a massage. I don’t know if it changed her in any way, but it certainly changed me. It’s hard to stay mad at someone when you’re blessing them. Blessing her when I was upset with her changed my heart and how I felt about her. That changed how I treated her, which probably changed her, but that was neither the point nor the goal.

All of this is to encourage you to do the same with your husband. When you’re crazy frustrated with him, do something to bless him. What you do doesn’t matter, and it need not have anything to do with the area of frustration. Doing this may or may not change your husband, but it will change you.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m so glad that frustration is in the past!

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