Over on TGH I had an interesting comment from a fellow who said “I want to be desired by my wife” and then went on to describe what that would look like for him. He ended by saying he wanted to feel desired because of her actions, not her words.

Most men feel this way. If you asked them what that would look like they would say things such as:

• I want her to join me in the shower and make me horny then step out telling me she’ll be waiting in bed.
• When we’re at a stop light in the dark I want her to take off her panties and toss them in my lap.
• I want her to tell me she has to have me right now, and after we’re done I want her to tell me how great it was.
• While we’re watching a DVD or the DVR I want her to pause, stand, and start undressing.
• When I walk near her naked I want her to do something sexual.
• I want her to feel me up under the table through my pants at a restaurant.
• I want to wake up to her making me hard so she can climb on top of me.

You get the idea. And for most of you, this all seems beyond you. I mean you could do those things, but you’d be play acting, not expressing your honest sexuality. It’s not how you are, and it’s not how you feel. Given that, it’s easy to think his expectations are unrealistic and unfair. You don’t think he wants you to lie to him, and doing those things would feel like a lie.

Consider this: a lot of men feel the same way about being romantic. It’s not how they are or how they feel. They could do it, but they would be play acting. It would feel like a lie. And yet, many sources, myself included, urge men to become more romantic because it blesses their wife. If it’s okay to tell men they need to be romantic even if they “don’t feel it”, isn’t it fair to ask women to do some things to make him feel sexually desired even if they don’t feel it?

My suggestion, if you want to go here, would be to start with a discussion. Tell him you know he wants those things, but they’re not a natural part of who you are. Also tell him you’d be willing to do some of those, for him, because you love him. Explain it will be a performance, but you’re okay with that if he is. Warn him it may not get you aroused and you may need his help to get your body going. Then pick and choose what you do and when. If doing such things isn’t going to be sex for you, do them when you are offering sex just for him.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I understand both sides on this one.

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