Why He Debriefs You After Sex

There you are, snuggled up enjoying after glow, and hubby starts peppering you with questions. “Did you climax? How many times? How good was it? Did you like it when I ______?”

The sex was great; the interrogation not so much. 

Why He Debriefs You After Sex

He asks because he’s unsure – or maybe has no clue at all. Female sexuality is more complex and less obvious than male sexuality and we struggle to know what’s going on. He asks because he cares about it being good for you, and he wants to learn how to make it even better.

The other side of this for some couples is the woman has been taught nice women don’t talk about such things. Hint a bit maybe, but never a full on discussion.

The obvious solution to this is to beat him to the punch; tell him HONESTLY how it was when sex is over. If something was especially good mention it. If something was meh, tell him that too. If you have any thoughts on how he could make it better, be sure to share them. If you would rather relax after sex, then make a point of talking about it at another time. Most men would love to wake up to “Last night was great, especially when you _____!”

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I like to de-brief before sex!

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20 Comments on “Why He Debriefs You After Sex

  1. I guess men never get tired of listening to women talk about how wonderful they (men) are! (see your last post.) I often tell my husband that the fun lies in, 1) talking about what we’re going to do 2) doing it and 3) remembering it afterward. He doesn’t seem to mind.

    • @Lynn – I’ve seen a lot of articles recently claiming men only care about a woman’s sexual pleasure because it makes them feel good about themselves. I find that as insulting as women would if men said something like that about women!
      I’m sure there are self-centered men who feel this way, but I doubt they are even close to the norm. I want my wife to enjoy life because I love her! I also like sharing adventures with her, and sex can/should be an adventure.
      Paul Byerly recently posted…Be The Change: HealthMy Profile

  2. I know nothing of the kind of man of which you are speaking. I tried and I can’t remember even one time in all these years when I’ve been debriefed after sex. That could help explain how, for years and years before I ever had the first orgasm, he always ‘thought’ I was climaxing. Never asked, never tried to find out for sure. I blame my part in that on naivete’. Not sure what to think about his lack of inquisitiveness.

    • Roomtogrow, how could you not speak up in all those years? How could you not have an orgasm all those years and not say anything? I just don’t understand that at all.

      • I think orgasm is overrated. I can take em or leave em. But hubby can’t understand that and is offended. So better to not discuss it.

        • I’m wondering then if your body doesn’t experience orgasm like most of the rest of us do.

          • @Tom Hillson,

            For what it’s worth, I too feel orgasm is overrated….for me, anyway. I’ve never craved one, they’re often too much work to achieve, and for the most part, they are just ok. I’ve always wondered what all the fuss was about, but of course, we don’t all experience the same things in the same ways.

            • I love them! Sends me to a whole other dimension and universe and I can float in blissville for a long time afterwards. Too bad I have to give them to myself.

          • @Tom Hillson – Sex is more work for women than for men. For some just a bit more, for some a whole lot more. (I wrote about it at https://www.the-generous-husband.com/2013/11/16/understanding-her-sexual-reality/ ). If the cost of having an orgasm is much higher, then their value is lower. The other thing is women can have orgasms from barely there to “what’s my name and where am I?” If she is on the low end, it’s not bad but it’s not that great.
            And yes, women can learn to have better orgasms – IF they want to, and IF their husband is on board.
            Paul Byerly recently posted…What I Want vs What I Think I DeserveMy Profile

      • @Tom Hillson, I said I was naive. This was before internet, no one ever told me about having an orgasm, I had no sisters and apparently the women I knew didn’t talk of such things and I didn’t know about Cosmo, lol. I’m not that ancient, I guess I just led a more sheltered life than most. Until you have had an orgasm (or heard of one or had the time taken to have one) you have no idea what it’s supposed to feel or be like. Maybe early on I just thought men had them…(?) and found out later that dh just assumed I was having them all those years. I shake my head even as I write that. Take two young people (a very shy, naive wife and a man who learned what he knew only from peers or hidden magazines), a guy who could go from start to finish, including his version of ‘foreplay’, in ten minutes or less, plus little to no communication skills, and the chance of even getting close to being aroused enough for an orgasm is was very low. I did speak up to say things like I wasn’t ready or slow down/wait, I need more touch, etc. but sex has never been something he is comfortable talking about. Once I had an orgasm, believe me, I spoke up more, to say ‘hey, I want more of that, let’s figure this out!’ ;) For a long time now I have read a lot and learned a lot, but he’s still not interested in learning more and still doesn’t ‘debrief’ me. I’m not going to lie, it hurts. Mostly because I know things could be a lot better than they are.

  3. As a husband, I used to do this in the early years of our marriage. And occasionally, when we try something new (not so much anymore, we’ve pretty much tried it all by now), I’ll do this. But I know her well enough by now that I can tell how it was for her just by paying attention. Still, we both might do a much less interrogative version with each other sometimes:
    Amazing sex with my amazing (husband/wife)!
    I wish my headache went away, it would’ve made our time together even better!
    I gotta work on being more gentle when I touch you!

  4. “If something was especially good mention it.”

    I have learned over the years to not do this. Just because something was “especially good” once, doesn’t mean it will feel good the next time (this is my sexuality). If I mention something felt good, even once, it will be repeated ad nauseam even when I insist it’s not doing it for me anymore.

    I’m better off just saying, “Last night was great” and leaving it at that.

  5. Honestly, my husband and I tend to debrief each other, not just him doing this to me. At first it was because we were trying to learn each other’s likes or dislikes, what felt good and what didn’t, knowing that could change from one time to the next. Now we don’t *need* to do it: we can tell mostly by paying attention and reading each other, but we still do mostly because it’s fun for both of us. Men aren’t the only ones who like to hear how good it was for their women, or who want to know if something could be better. I want to know for him, too. For us, it’s all a matter of timing. Sometimes we can discuss all that right afterward. Other times not, because I’ve just had one of those, “What’s my name and where am I” type orgasms, or because he has and falls asleep. Again, we’ve learned to read when the other is able to talk about this, (or form words at all), so sometimes we just go to sleep and talk about it later.

  6. I’d like to suggest that if sex is the only area of interaction we are asking about, then there is a much larger problem. I’ve learned to ask if I’ve created confusion or frustration, or if I was supportive, or helpful. Not only am I XY to her XX, but I am also extroverted to her introversion, intuitive to her sensing, and thinking to her feeling. I KNOW that I can make communication more difficult on every level. The good news is that after 36 years, she knows it as well.

    I’ve also learned to share if a problem occurred, but not to place blame. I am also trying to balance Proverbs 5 and Ephesians 5 so that I seek fulfillment, but love sacrificially.

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